03-05-2016, 10:07 PM
Sub History:
ASC (1 month)-EPRHA (6 months)-AoS+BIATBWS (2 months, unsuccessful)-ASC (1 month)-EPRHA 2.0 (now)
The Story
I have really been trying to find a way out. I ran EPRHA for 6 months, I felt zen during the last month or so, or at least it felt like it. The people and things that bothered me before running it didn’t bother me anymore. I just didn’t care anymore. I appreciated myself more, but I just wasn’t motivated. I still felt like there wasn’t much point. I was surprised at how it started off as my personal hell and it ended as a positive note. The thing I didn’t like about it is that I didn’t enjoy socializing that much. I didn’t have that spark of excitement or spontaneity during the run. That’s one thing about myself I really enjoyed. I hope this doesn’t happen with 2.0. Anyway, since then, I feel 50-60% of what I felt during the bad part of the run (this is since I started tapping). The subconscious is resisting…that seems to be what causes me to feel the culmination of my past here in the present. I feel like there’s no point sometimes. And now that I’m tapping I understand my thought processes better.
Since tapping, I’ve realized that I am angry at girls in general for straight up being a pain in my ass. I’m still angry at some of the people that bullied me in grade school. At times, the anger has been so strong I literally just imagine cutting off heads as I pass by people or beating them to death. This has been diminished quite a bit since I’ve been tapping. And what I’m seeing clearly now for the first time is that I’m angry at myself, for repeatedly failing to live up to my own expectations over, and over, and over again. That’s a big one that I had no idea of until I realized every character in my head is me. Once I found that out, I saw that I have low self-esteem, high amounts of self-hatred, and I abuse myself mentally on a regular basis. This has to stop. I don’t want to feel this ever again, none of it. And I’m ready to let it go. So I’m running EPRHA 2.0 for as long as takes for me to get a clean slate. That’s all I want right now.
Anyway, if this sub can fully heal me emotionally, then Shannon has done an outstanding job and I’d be immensely grateful.
For the next week or so, I will avoid tapping, according to Shannon’s recommendation just to get a feel for the sub. If I do tap this week, it will be solely to alleviate some soreness from my workouts, that’s it.
I want complete and total social freedom. Freedom to interact with anyone I see without holding back any part of myself. I think that will come as a result of me having a clean slate, so that’s my first major goal.
I will be listening exclusively to the FLAC tracks. Masked trickling stream during daytime, ultrasonic when asleep.
I won’t be posting daily as I did with my last journal, I’ll just come here when I feel there’s something to post. I’ll keep track of my hours offline.
This year is a major turning point for my life.
Starting this tonight.
ASC (1 month)-EPRHA (6 months)-AoS+BIATBWS (2 months, unsuccessful)-ASC (1 month)-EPRHA 2.0 (now)
The Story
I have really been trying to find a way out. I ran EPRHA for 6 months, I felt zen during the last month or so, or at least it felt like it. The people and things that bothered me before running it didn’t bother me anymore. I just didn’t care anymore. I appreciated myself more, but I just wasn’t motivated. I still felt like there wasn’t much point. I was surprised at how it started off as my personal hell and it ended as a positive note. The thing I didn’t like about it is that I didn’t enjoy socializing that much. I didn’t have that spark of excitement or spontaneity during the run. That’s one thing about myself I really enjoyed. I hope this doesn’t happen with 2.0. Anyway, since then, I feel 50-60% of what I felt during the bad part of the run (this is since I started tapping). The subconscious is resisting…that seems to be what causes me to feel the culmination of my past here in the present. I feel like there’s no point sometimes. And now that I’m tapping I understand my thought processes better.
Since tapping, I’ve realized that I am angry at girls in general for straight up being a pain in my ass. I’m still angry at some of the people that bullied me in grade school. At times, the anger has been so strong I literally just imagine cutting off heads as I pass by people or beating them to death. This has been diminished quite a bit since I’ve been tapping. And what I’m seeing clearly now for the first time is that I’m angry at myself, for repeatedly failing to live up to my own expectations over, and over, and over again. That’s a big one that I had no idea of until I realized every character in my head is me. Once I found that out, I saw that I have low self-esteem, high amounts of self-hatred, and I abuse myself mentally on a regular basis. This has to stop. I don’t want to feel this ever again, none of it. And I’m ready to let it go. So I’m running EPRHA 2.0 for as long as takes for me to get a clean slate. That’s all I want right now.
Anyway, if this sub can fully heal me emotionally, then Shannon has done an outstanding job and I’d be immensely grateful.
For the next week or so, I will avoid tapping, according to Shannon’s recommendation just to get a feel for the sub. If I do tap this week, it will be solely to alleviate some soreness from my workouts, that’s it.
I want complete and total social freedom. Freedom to interact with anyone I see without holding back any part of myself. I think that will come as a result of me having a clean slate, so that’s my first major goal.
I will be listening exclusively to the FLAC tracks. Masked trickling stream during daytime, ultrasonic when asleep.
I won’t be posting daily as I did with my last journal, I’ll just come here when I feel there’s something to post. I’ll keep track of my hours offline.
This year is a major turning point for my life.
Starting this tonight.