Subliminal Talk

I'm trying to get a hold of myself lately.


After having the dental surgery, I've been on my off week from training. Believe me, if I was sure that I could train without making my recovery take longer, I would have done it. As of today I'm good to start with lighter weights, still some pain in my face. Anyway, I've really been watching porn the past couple of days since I'm feeling better, but not well enough to train. I think me sticking to my training helped me have some other physical activity to do besides masturbate. I've been doing all I can to not think about the energy in me that wants to be expressed through sex. It's just SO STRONG. But I know this whole porn thing is connected to my experiences with girls. I actually texted one of my female friends a week ago and two days ago messaged on fb. She didn't reply to either, no idea why. It created this cycle of me getting angry and questioning if I've even made any progress.

When stuff like this happens I always think back to try to figure out if there's any reason for someone to be angry at me or stop being friends. I feel like I'm the only one that thinks like that. So the cycle of anger started and I watched porn and masturbated to make myself at some level feel like I'm having sex. I see the problem. I know the cycle needs to break fully. Then the rest of me will adapt. For those who don't have any interest to watch porn, how did you overcome those urges to have sex or look at hot girls?

From what I can tell, watching porn and masturbating are the only parts of the cycle that I have complete control over so that's why I'm trying to break it there. Right now I'm not in as positive of a state as I have been.

Sometimes I look at this problem and I wonder if there's even a point. But I know that it's possible to create a reality where you have everything you could ever want. Of course it won't be a "perfect" life with no challenges, but it'd be everything you could want.

But somewhere in my mind, I hope that this is all coming up now as a temporary resistance to the sub. If that's the case, then I know that it'll be over soon.

Edit: The timing of when I started to feel worse co-incides also with my gradual lowering of hours of E2. Since I've been keeping track of all my hours in detail, it seems like my ideal E2 time would be 9-10 hours of ultrasonic and the rest masked. At least 16 hours a day. I think having lower E2 hours makes it easy to remove the veil that hides you from consciously feeling what it's working on. So from now on I'm getting as many hours as possible. At night I also switched to my laptop speakers, but I may go back to sleep phones.

Just a quick update.

So far this summer hasn’t really been that fun. I really would like to just hang out with some friends, but no one back in my home town has been responding/they’re out of town/too busy. It’s been a bit frustrating. I got an awesome video game and I’ve been playing it a lot. Funny enough some of the characters in it deal with specific things I’ve been dealing with. It’s one of those games that take a long ass time to beat, but I’ve really been enjoying playing (Persona 4 Golden)!
I’m gonna switch up my calories starting today. I’ve been at the same bodyfat percentage for the past 2 weeks, time to change it up.

I went out with my parents a few days ago to see a movie. When I saw attractive girls, I still felt negativity towards them, but it’s not as bad as it was a few months ago. I’m gonna say it’s an improvement. Or it could just be that since I haven’t been out that much and haven’t seen them since summer started then it’s not triggering me as often.

Today I thought about what my goal is with E2 again. And I remembered the same thing I said months ago: Freedom. I just want to be free. My dream life would be me being a professional actor, landing fun roles, hanging out with awesome people, and having the hot girls in my life I intend to have. I know of course I’ll have to keep up with my strength training, nutrition, mental well being, etc. But I honestly feel that if I have those 3 things (Acting career, hot girls, awesome people to hang with), I’ll have no trouble focusing on maintaining myself.


At this point, I wonder if E2 will lead to freedom or something else. I know it’ll lead to being emotionally healed, but that’s just 1 part of the freedom I’m talking about. I’m aiming not just to survive, but to THRIVE!

Edit: I had an awesome idea! If I just wrote down things about my progress and made it like stats in a video game I'd probably feel that things are more fun! I feel this is such a cool idea, totally doing it!

Sounds great that you are establishing a Solid foundation, ' emotionally healed.' This is a major freedom from suffering from all parts of Life. Career wise, it takes perseverance, time commitment and especially, sacrifice to be successful; Sounds like E2 is opening up doors of insight and self-knowledge

Well due to my stall in fat loss, I switched to a ketogenic lifestyle. I switched 3 days ago and I lost 2 pounds of fat/water weight in that time period. Another 10-15lbs and I'll be legit lean. I'd slowly lean bulk at that time.

Either it's due to me not being out much or E2 is making the difference. Instead of feeling intense rage when I see an attractive girl, I may think mildly angry/aggressive thoughts, but most of the time I feel aversion/avoid being around them. It's a change, and I think it may be in the right direction. This is great as I'm approaching my 5th month of E2. I only hope that the effects multiply as I approach one year. After that one year period I'll very likely get on DMSI v3.

It'd be awesome if E2 got an upgrade to E2.5 before E3, but it seems really unlikely. It also seems like the external world is reacting to me. I thought that either I'm able to predict some things that happen before they happen, but now I'm nearly 100% sure that it's actually me that's causing the changes I see in my world. That's pretty cool.

For about a month or so I got in 8-9 hours of ultrasonic via laptop speakers at night. A couple days ago I went back to using my Sleepphones at night. Now I get in a total of 12-14 hours a day, sometimes 16. I think that listening at low volumes sometimes or blasting it is the best way for me. Then it's doing both getting in there deep with little resistance and grabbing the attention of the subconscious.

It feels like this 6 month period is going by faster than my 6 months with E1. A lot less pain and torture. I'd just like for things to speed up a bit


Ion, the incidents and stories relating to Pokemon Go are ridiculous and funny. I didn't think it'd be THIS popular.

(07-15-2016, 08:26 AM)maxx55 Wrote: [ -> ]Well due to my stall in fat loss, I switched to a ketogenic lifestyle. I switched 3 days ago and I lost 2 pounds of fat/water weight in that time period. Another 10-15lbs and I'll be legit lean. I'd slowly lean bulk at that time.

It's more likely glycogen/water weight. After you stop losing the "quick weight," then it'll be more fat and/or muscle. The body will tend to catabolize a little muscle through gluconeogenesis to make some glycogen here and there. An unfortunate downside to a low carb diet.

If you grow tired of it, and have never done it before, try an IIFYM diet. Use the IIFM web calculator and count your macros, hit your numbers. Easiest thing I've ever done - in combination with a lifting/cardo program - to get ripped.

Source: Me - B.S. in Exercise Science, NSCA-CPT, NASM PES & CPT, nutrition/supplement/diet fanatic. If you ever have interest in seeing more science, check out Lyle McDonald (BodyRecomposition.com), Suppversity.com, Ergo-log.com to name a few...

I've tried IIFYM but it didn't really work for me. Maybe my cal number was off though. So far, in the past Keto style, Primal eating, and carb backloading has given me results. I may give IIFYM another shot though.

(07-15-2016, 09:03 AM)maxx55 Wrote: [ -> ]I've tried IIFYM but it didn't really work for me. Maybe my cal number was off though. So far, in the past Keto style, Primal eating, and carb backloading has given me results. I may give IIFYM another shot though.

The last time I did it, I calculated IIFYM at a 25% deficit and I also calculated macros based on the LeanGains calculator. I did some kind of hybrid based on those two, and remember doing 2 higher deficit days to 1 higher calorie day (as a refeed of sorts). I worked out 3 times per week, and did 30 minutes of moderate cardio twice per week. That was it, and 4 months later hit my goal. I had to reduced calories and adjust macros after 6 weeks or so.

(07-19-2016, 03:34 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-15-2016, 09:03 AM)maxx55 Wrote: [ -> ]I've tried IIFYM but it didn't really work for me. Maybe my cal number was off though. So far, in the past Keto style, Primal eating, and carb backloading has given me results. I may give IIFYM another shot though.

The last time I did it, I calculated IIFYM at a 25% deficit and I also calculated macros based on the LeanGains calculator. I did some kind of hybrid based on those two, and remember doing 2 higher deficit days to 1 higher calorie day (as a refeed of sorts). I worked out 3 times per week, and did 30 minutes of moderate cardio twice per week. That was it, and 4 months later hit my goal. I had to reduced calories and adjust macros after 6 weeks or so.

Thanks! I'll definitely use a similar approach when I try IIFYM again. If I don't try it to finish my cut, I'll definitely try it when I'm lean bulking.

Short update.

I no longer doubt that I won't heal fully in a year. That's amazing in itself.

I'm finally understanding things about myself more. I now know that I don't just want to fuck hot girls. I want to experience everything there is to experience with a wide variety of girls. Some of them I'd like to be in a romantic sexual relationship with, some I'd like to be just a sexual relationship with, but I no longer just think about brutally bending all of them over and fucking the shit out of them.

Anger when seeing a girl is subsiding. This is major.

Some manifestation of people from my past. Interesting, really. They're very happy to see me.

Some things relating to my career are moving quicker than I planned which is fantastic!

And last but not least I'm going to be doing Carb Nite, which is a Cyclical Ketogenic Diet to finish my cut. I may not be single digit by the end of the summer, but I'll be close and definitely there in 3 more months or less since I'll be back in class and have less time.

Sleep hasn't been the best. It's near impossible for me to stay asleep for more than a few hours with the sleepphones on. I wake up a bit tired. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can listen to a loop of E2, stop listening, and then I'll be knocked out until 11 am or noon. It seems like more hours are kind of taking a toll on me now, whereas before I could go 16-20+ hours no problem. I'm now mainly listening to trickling stream to make sure it hits my deep subconscious. And I now get in 8.5-14 hours a day.

Things are looking up. I totally plan on doing DMSI v3 after E2. And I'll probably do v3 until AM7 and SM4 come out in 6G!

Well honestly, I feel like I'm done with E2. I don't necessarily feel any more resistance at the moment. At the same time, I feel like things like my masturbation habit would have gone away if I was done. Recently it's been happening at a much higher frequency. If I had a hot girl to fuck, I know it'd go away on it's own lol. At the same time I don't really feel upset that I don't have one. It's just that I've been very bored for a lot of the summer and I just do things to not feel bored. Yes, I've been doing things I need to like sticking to my nutrition and training, but I still overall feel bored. Especially now.

I've been sick the past week, can't train, and I thought it'd be best for me to allow carbs into my nutrition for hormonal reasons. I'd love to be at 100% again, I'm better, but like 75% at the moment. I'm just bored and ready for my life to be exciting again (aka, hanging out w/ friends having adventures and meeting new people). The few things I've done relating to my career have been fun, but it was a very brief part of the summer.

Regardless, I'm not changing from E2 until DMSI v3 comes out or AM7 (which I know will be a long while). I'm waiting for v3 so all the issues can be totally ironed out. Even if it releases this year, I'm not stopping E2 until March 7, 2017.

Note to self:
I just re-read my AOS+BIATBWS journal to see if I could see anything that stuck out to me or anything I could learn from. Seeing the kinds of subtle results that some are getting from DMSI and also figuring that that AOS and BIATBWS are 4G subs, they may have been in the process of trying to work for me. It's just that I had to listen to each of them seperately that really limited my exposure and processing time. Plus it seems like I had a LOT of resistance with those subs. With everything being in one sub for DMSI, I should get substantial rock solid results. Especially with all of my time invested on E2.

Rage ahead

I really felt like I just HAD to get this out!

All this time here I am feeling like I'm making decent progress over the last 5 months and then I get back to campus to move in. And in 3 days, I'm having major anger towards girls and guys who have girls that I see just from going to the local places I had to go to to pick up some things.

I was really looking forward to starting off the first day of classes on the right foot, I REALLY believed that this semester would be different. Until all the FUCKIN ANGER CAME BACK! I saw this really hot girl in the grocery store but I didn't go talk to her, I had a list of things to get and I didn't feel like wasting time, effort, and energy for fuckin nothing. Then when me, my mother, and her were passing each other on the same aisle, I intentionally just looked straight ahead because I could already feel the anger welling up. Looking at her hot face would've made me ANGRIER. But then my mom tells me after we pass that I should have said hi because she looked at me. For whatever reason, this REALLY PISSED ME OFF! I really hate when girls do bullshit like this and you end up having a long interaction, make plans, and then the plans never happens. I'm so SICK of this fucking BS.

On top OF ALL THIS SHIT, it's my b-day (22nd) and I wanted it to at least not suck. Honestly, I wanted it to be FUCKIN EPIC, but at the very least not SUCK! And I already feel like it's gonna suck! Seeing hot girls, guys with girls, being pissed off, not having accomplished what I wanted to over the summer, and having to start class all really just made me pissed off.

I know where I need to be, but it just seems like it's nearly impossible or not as attainable as it should be. It makes no sense. And it needs to change. It NEEDS TO CHANGE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

I feel like it'll be INSANE when I finally can run DMSI and put all these fucking girls in their place with their bs. The tables will finally be turned!!

I feel your pain man.. I really do. This sounds alot like me.

The anger, pain, fear around girls. Getting interest at times from the EXACT type of girls I like even ones who are 10+ years younger than me and my own self, anger, fear, insecurity getting in the way.

E2 is definately helping with anger for me. But it's kind of in waves. I'm finding a tendency of it being there but harder to access alot of days, like the thoughts of it are there but the anger is blunted. Then some days it really wells up and I just feel it strongly and eventually it clears. Each time that happens I notice a positive difference.

The desire to put girls in their place, get them back for all the ways they have fucked you over... yep, sounds like me too.

Good luck. E2 has been making a positive difference in my interactions with girls so there is hope with continuing use.

Well it seems Shannon really knows his tech. I wasn't feeling myself and he recommended me lowering my hours, he thought I was being overexposed. His advice seems to be very helpful.

I feel much better now than I did 24 hours ago. Creativity is starting to come back, my social fluidity is starting to come back, and it seems like some others my age are generally slightly more social with me. When I say this, I mean they are initiating/commenting to me first a bit more than what is usual. Nice.

Shannon's recommendation was 1-2 hours a day. I'll be doing 1 loop of ultra and 1 loop of masked each day for a week. I just hope I don't get spoiled on how easy it is to get these low hours in.

Notes to self:
8/25-8/28
-started feeling more like myself, but I'm different
-it feels different being me now. It's like I can in my mind really see the blown totally healed version of myself. I know that being free from all negative emotions like guilt, shame, and fear, would set me free to just express myself. My behavior would be completely based on what I enjoy doing and what I choose to do, nothing holding me back
-it's like the emotions of guilt, shame, and fear have weakened over the (almost) 6 months
-I feel like I'd definitely, without a doubt, have everything healed and all positive programming solidified if I ran it for 2 years straight (maybe sooner). But that's not going to happen, I'm sticking to just a year

Things to be worked on:
-Everyday life seems to be more boring than usual. I'd usually be doing exciting things pretty often if not daily like meeting new people, making plans with girls, and hanging out with friends. Haven't been doing as much of that recently
-The whole cycle with girls seems to breaking. It's not broken yet. But I feel like it's close
-Sometimes I still see the down sides to things. It's not as emotionally painful as it has been in the past, but it's still there
-I feel like people manifest into my life, but the manifestation only happens halfway. Like they don't become a friend or a part of my life. It also seems like I cross paths with my older friends more often

The Good:
-Negative emotions are definitely weaker now than 6 months ago. Solid
-My emotional stability has improved
-I know the program actually is helping me
-It seems like guys acknowledge/initiate with me socially occasionally now (which almost never happened before)
-MAYBE, not sure, but MAYBE things have improved regarding interactions with girls. This is a really hard one to mention. In my mind, things haven't been cleared/healed/corrected until I can clearly see and experience hot girls I'm attracted to feeling mutual about it

Plan
Over the past few days of doing only 2 loops of E2, I've been able to get an idea of what my new baseline is. Seems like if I run too many hours, I become emotionally numb to life. Too few hours and the negative stuff is more easy to see (like it was today). I'll be aiming for somewhere between 8-12 hours a day, with the majority of hours coming from the masked track.