02-08-2016, 09:14 AM
On day 33 of ASC, I decided to switch things around. ASC hadn't been affecting me strongly in a while, but I did have feelings of hopelessness that had already faded significantly when I switched, so it could that I was close to reaching the next level.
Made the switch for many reasons, most notably because I think I have a lot of shame, especially, to get over. ASC was tackling these issues and others as well, but I decided this might be a better route for me at this point in my journey.
I'm on Day 2 now. Well, 2.5 :)
"the opposite of GSF" and the motivation module sound like they lead to a good place. A big reason why I was avoiding the clearing subs is that I thought I might need more push and motivation, but it seems this is addressed now. Cool.
I'm especially interested in shame because.. fear is familiar. Fear I can handle, and fear is usually between me and something, whereas shame.. it seems like it comes from the inside; I haven't seen it coming, and I have not had the means to kick its ass. Like an ant eating eating my brain and self-esteem while I'm sleeping.
It does seem like its shame, or fear of shame/being ashamed, that keeps me back in, and from doing, a lot of things. Examples would be meeting and approaching women, sexual performance, work performance, casual socializing, etc. Its like I expect and require very strong performances of myself, and if I don't feel like I can perform that well (not energetic, not in the mood, ...) then its very very hard to get myself to try. And yeah, I had a lot of assholes always calling me names in school (trying to look cool in front of the older kids) and the amount of public shaming I put myself through in 2 years of PUA stuff left a mark too. Of course I always blocked these things, but I think its been piling up and creating some resentment and this angry expectation of "don't you dare try that shit on me again".
I was 15 minutes into OGSF and reading THIS article when I suddenly burst to tears. Happened again when I finished it... and again maybe 10-20 minutes later as I was doing nothing at all. lol. And that's great btw, I love releases. Very rare for me, though.
I have been feeling good. Light. Not nearly as powerful as on ASC, but loving, yes. There's an interesting story there, but it gets too personal on her part so I'll refrain from writing it.. but the short of it is that there was some potential for drama with the MLTR and my reaction basically was to lay back on the sofa, close my eyes and just start smiling to myself, completely blissed out :D When she's pissed off about something her frame is pretty much solid, ice-cold steel, but all I could do was smile and then laugh at myself for smiling for no reason like that. In the end it broke through her state as well and we had incredible sex afterwards. I did spend the weekend with a FB back from the past, but holy fuck there's so much more life to "my girl" that there's no comparison. Love being reminded of the good things like that.
EDIT: Day 25 was the first day on EPRHA v2.
Made the switch for many reasons, most notably because I think I have a lot of shame, especially, to get over. ASC was tackling these issues and others as well, but I decided this might be a better route for me at this point in my journey.
I'm on Day 2 now. Well, 2.5 :)
"the opposite of GSF" and the motivation module sound like they lead to a good place. A big reason why I was avoiding the clearing subs is that I thought I might need more push and motivation, but it seems this is addressed now. Cool.
I'm especially interested in shame because.. fear is familiar. Fear I can handle, and fear is usually between me and something, whereas shame.. it seems like it comes from the inside; I haven't seen it coming, and I have not had the means to kick its ass. Like an ant eating eating my brain and self-esteem while I'm sleeping.
It does seem like its shame, or fear of shame/being ashamed, that keeps me back in, and from doing, a lot of things. Examples would be meeting and approaching women, sexual performance, work performance, casual socializing, etc. Its like I expect and require very strong performances of myself, and if I don't feel like I can perform that well (not energetic, not in the mood, ...) then its very very hard to get myself to try. And yeah, I had a lot of assholes always calling me names in school (trying to look cool in front of the older kids) and the amount of public shaming I put myself through in 2 years of PUA stuff left a mark too. Of course I always blocked these things, but I think its been piling up and creating some resentment and this angry expectation of "don't you dare try that shit on me again".
I was 15 minutes into OGSF and reading THIS article when I suddenly burst to tears. Happened again when I finished it... and again maybe 10-20 minutes later as I was doing nothing at all. lol. And that's great btw, I love releases. Very rare for me, though.
I have been feeling good. Light. Not nearly as powerful as on ASC, but loving, yes. There's an interesting story there, but it gets too personal on her part so I'll refrain from writing it.. but the short of it is that there was some potential for drama with the MLTR and my reaction basically was to lay back on the sofa, close my eyes and just start smiling to myself, completely blissed out :D When she's pissed off about something her frame is pretty much solid, ice-cold steel, but all I could do was smile and then laugh at myself for smiling for no reason like that. In the end it broke through her state as well and we had incredible sex afterwards. I did spend the weekend with a FB back from the past, but holy fuck there's so much more life to "my girl" that there's no comparison. Love being reminded of the good things like that.
EDIT: Day 25 was the first day on EPRHA v2.