Subliminal Talk

Day 32

As the full 32 days approaches, I'm having a strong urge to alternate to OF or OGSF for the next 32 days. Especially OF, as I was introduced to a lake of fear when I did something just slightly out of the ordinary socially today. It really makes no difference if I improve on all the other parts included in E2 gradually, if deep down I have so much fear in certain situations - I'm never going to stop avoiding standing out. Not that I don't have a lot of shame too; most of it is about not being good or still having fears despite working on them for a long time.

Reading some journals, Raz said how much time he's spending online is a direct measure of how much he's resisting the program, and Leonidas as been talking about internet is his teddy bear to escape engaging the world. Agreed on both counts. I'm thinking I should log out and do OF for a month, then see what's up after that. Or log out for a month, at least.

Was thinking about aversions last night: I want to not still be so shy socially, I want to not have myvoice be so feeble and constrained sometimes, I want to not have my self development be so hard & slow, etc. Yep yep. I'm sure these are magnified by the amount of thinking and comparison I'm habitually and obsessively doing. Hence the want to simplify and redirect.

Well well.

Letting what I just posted sink in - that I was going to take a break from the forum, and maybe from the internet - showed me some things. If I think about not being on the computer or not thinking what to post, I have to actually do something, right, go somewhere. This brings up fear. I was just walking with this with a lot of people around me and I saw much more fear that I thought I would. In fact, I thought I wouldn't. And it really drew me into the moment and out of my head. I know realize that all that other stuff, like shame, guilt, sadness, depression, etc, I only experience because of thoughts.

My present moment is filled with fear, so I habitually distance myself. I go into 3rd person perspective, I see and feel myself acting in a way I don't like, and THEN I feel shame and think what I should better, why this and that. That's why I don't think I have fear: because I don't even experience it, because I'm not there. I'm in my head & thought, where there is no fear, there's only wanting to control and wanting approval.

But choosing to just feel the fear, I felt and feel great! I'm excited as hell and I have some adrenaline pumping in me now that I really, really like - just now I'm clapping my hands and the keyboard because I want to get something done! Happy, even.

Letting go of that fear, I'm not sure which of the two would happen: would stop escaping my experience and be much more present, or would I lose this strong focal point of fear that I can now use the anchor myself to the present, and would I then habitually drift even more into thinking because the present would hold less weight? I think the former though.

Interesting. Fuck, I like this! :)

Oh, and of course as I was feeling this outside just now, I opened the door to this young very very hot girl - and damn was she attracted! Its just all so easy when it is, and all so impossible when it isn't.

Feeling strong. Who needs coffee anyway.

Is the groundedness purely from E2 or from something you ran before? The periods of groundedness get longer and longer the more I run ASC, I am curious if it will keep growing once I change to E2. So far the thing that pushes me off being grounded the most is fear.

I might've chosen the wrong word with "groundedness". I didn't mean stand-your-ground-type groundedness, as in confidence. I had been doing Larry Crane's Abundance course for several days before that. I think you might know it, but you feel a feeling, put your head down, feel it in your chest or stomach area, see it as wanting ctrl, approcal, or to be safe, and then let it leave. Now as she was feeling all kinds of negative, she had the tendency to both resist the feelings, and hold onto those thoughts and think where and why all that which makes you not able to let them go. So in what I wrote, I felt I was grounding her... energy or thinking to just be with the feelings instead of doing all that other stuff. Same thing with my boss: his energy was all over the place nervous, stressed, angry, and so on, and I felt I was sort of keeping him in place near my own state that more calm and more in line of letting that go. And keeping myself there too, because I was feeling the pull to go along his energy as well. So its state transference and at the same time its about who has the stronger frame, but I wasn't putting any direct effort into trying to control their states; I was just working to control my state and being open. Why it was improved, I think, was a mix of E2 and practicing by myself.

ION: I think me and my friend Fernando are going to have nice month just to ourselves. I thought about inviting Guy and Shane, but its ok - we'll meet up with them again in no time. A lot to catch up, just the two of us. I'll be installing site blockers and keeping my engagement with other self-improvement efforts to a minimum, tap dancing included. Let's not have any distractions.

Well, since EPRHA 2 is pretty great I might stick with it for another month. Not sure. There is a lot of fear in the present moment, though, and I'd benefit from a more focused approach. Therefore, alternating between the two should be good, but that means I'll be with these subs for a while. Then again, if OP 5G comes out and includes OF, I should be in a good place to start that after some months on EPRHA2. Fear is definitely strongest of any feelings I feel in intensity, so it should probably have a strong focus for the cleansing to be effective. Well, whatever I decide, the rest of the plan holds. Starting tomorrow of course, lol.

My girl is coming for a visit tonight. I'll most likely tell her about subs, since in her line of work she could actually really benefit from EPRHA 2.

Since I've been on E2, I've been allowing myself to let go of porn. I thought to myself about using the sub, but since it's something that I can just do if I really want to, I'm letting it go. If you have to use OP, then I think you should. I've been only thinking about looking at porn on the weekends since starting E2. The longer I go without it (and I'm not fapping either), the easier it is to forget about it. I'm on week 3 now and I don't plan on going back

Very interesting.

Maxx, I meant Overcoming Procrastination. Glad to be of entertainment, lol.

Day 33

Ugh. That about sums up today. Feeling gloomy and pathetic, uninspired the whole day. Thinking about the title, I'd say I feel emotionally sore. If there was a muscle or organ in my body called Emotions, I'd feel sore. Mix in a good measure of victim mentality, hopelessness and sleepiness, and you've got my day. But its just a day of course - its not that I AM hopeless, I just feel the feeling. Trust in the process, even though right now I feel pretty much the opposite of an alpha male in every sense.

The fear from yesterday is gone. I miss it. Really liked the energy and focus it gave me.

I know I need to do attachments/aversions wrt to job searching and stuff about my current work, but I've been putting it off. Too many variables and unknowns. For example, I find it hard to invest the mental effort required for my current job, because I think I should be looking for jobs that'd really move me forward and apply, which I can't because I get so wound up in thinking if I should invest the time in re-education instead, if I even want to work in this business, and what then, where do I want to live, how, and what is important to me in the grandness of it all. And then I put myself down for not actually getting anything done on any front. Well I am, but I'm not coming up with an Answer To Everything like it seems I expect of myself. Fuck it. I know its not really so difficult, this obsessive behavior is just a symptom of something. Its the lack of purpose I'm feeling that I just despise atm. So many things done just because we "should", so many relationships so shallow because we "shouldn't", and so many people thinking they're so important they're entitled to being assholes. If a cashier at a supermarket charges another person for food, then there's some use to it all. The other person gets to eat at least, maybe make a really good meal. If an office worker goes to a meeting that's of less use than a single email, a researcher works on something that's never gonna be used, an engineer designs a product that's meant to be disposable trash, or someone in administration just works to make everyone's life even harder.. there's just no gratification to it. So you gotta find something you like to do outside work, but the normal stuff doesn't have all that much going for it either. So you go to the gym, you're big. Bigger than that other guy. So you got laid this weekend. So you knit yourself an umbrella. Wonderful. Gotta try 'n collect my victories from doing something useful and not to worry about this rat race stuff.

On that note, I told Her about subs yesterday and she seemed receptive to the idea.

Chef, massage therapist, dance instructor, therapist, subliminal producer, nurse, doctor. Male escort for Independent single mothers. Yeah. Its just that knowing myself, it can't be too simple. And then at this point it can't have a specific educational requirement either. It should have an element of building something - or making something better - and that something should be useful. It should also not be all logical and immaterial, there should be something creative, something concerning or including the body, movement, senses, something humane. Honest, not too PC. And I don't think everyone can be self-help writer or blogger, it should be something more concrete than that. But then that's back to rat races. Maybe its just about the meaning you give to it yourself, and your values being included in it to a high-enough degree in some way. Got to realize that I can be of some value, in some way that uses what I've got to a fuller extent.

On that note, going to reduce journaling. Looking more forward to tomorrow already.

From THIS post:

(04-07-2016, 10:21 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Three minutes is the typical ITM-SS kick-in time. But the program can't be interrupred in the middle of a big job without you seeing what it's working on. It's designed to mask you consciously from and minimize the unpleasant aspects of the healing process, but that only works while you use it.

This might explain part of why I've been feeling so down these last days. I guess I was feeling tired or something, so I decided to drop the hours again to maybe 12 hours, and yesterday maybe 8-10. Look like E2 is more or less designed for higher hours, as you need to play more to get the ITM-SS, and then when you play it more you dig up more stuff and you can use the ITM-SS even more. And that's good sounds effective. The only downsides I see are that more hours might make me more tired, and then I was going to recommend a low amount of hours for my girl if she decides to try it, but that could end up being discouraging (=feel bad). I think I'll recommend just at night + anytime she'd start feeling bad.

(04-07-2016, 12:04 PM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]Its the lack of purpose I'm feeling that I just despise atm. So many things done just because we "should", so many relationships so shallow because we "shouldn't", and so many people thinking they're so important they're entitled to being assholes. If a cashier at a supermarket charges another person for food, then there's some use to it all. The other person gets to eat at least, maybe make a really good meal. If an office worker goes to a meeting that's of less use than a single email, a researcher works on something that's never gonna be used, an engineer designs a product that's meant to be disposable trash, or someone in administration just works to make everyone's life even harder.. there's just no gratification to it. So you gotta find something you like to do outside work, but the normal stuff doesn't have all that much going for it either. So you go to the gym, you're big. Bigger than that other guy. So you got laid this weekend. So you knit yourself an umbrella. Wonderful. Gotta try 'n collect my victories from doing something useful and not to worry about this rat race stuff.

'What is my purpose?' is a really tough nut to crack. I have been using all kinds of tools in order to crack the shell of this one. But all I reached were exactly those thoughts you laid out above there. There is more to this though. There are societal expectations, external gratification and approval streamlining your flow of thoughts here. But do those really matter to you?

I still do not know consciously what my purpose in life is, except the part of living and doing things I like and learning/experiencing and growing and exploring. So I take a road that is stimulating for me. That is all that matters.

Hang in there, I am sure with the help of E2 you will untangle this knot eventually.

(04-08-2016, 01:12 AM)Raz Wrote: [ -> ]

(04-07-2016, 12:04 PM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]Its the lack of purpose I'm feeling that I just despise atm. So many things done just because we "should", so many relationships so shallow because we "shouldn't", and so many people thinking they're so important they're entitled to being assholes. If a cashier at a supermarket charges another person for food, then there's some use to it all. The other person gets to eat at least, maybe make a really good meal. If an office worker goes to a meeting that's of less use than a single email, a researcher works on something that's never gonna be used, an engineer designs a product that's meant to be disposable trash, or someone in administration just works to make everyone's life even harder.. there's just no gratification to it. So you gotta find something you like to do outside work, but the normal stuff doesn't have all that much going for it either. So you go to the gym, you're big. Bigger than that other guy. So you got laid this weekend. So you knit yourself an umbrella. Wonderful. Gotta try 'n collect my victories from doing something useful and not to worry about this rat race stuff.

'What is my purpose?' is a really tough nut to crack. I have been using all kinds of tools in order to crack the shell of this one. But all I reached were exactly those thoughts you laid out above there. There is more to this though. There are societal expectations, external gratification and approval streamlining your flow of thoughts here. But do those really matter to you?

I still do not know consciously what my purpose in life is, except the part of living and doing things I like and learning/experiencing and growing and exploring. So I take a road that is stimulating for me. That is all that matters.

Hang in there, I am sure with the help of E2 you will untangle this knot eventually.

I take care of my Mom with a disability (she's blind). I work with disabled veteran's. There are a group of hearing impaired individuals that I work with (born that way). Some of my co-workers are special needs (born that way) and some of my normal co-workers have children with special needs. One of my friends is a teacher that has a class of children with special needs.

Do an experiment. Wear a blindfold or cover one eye, wear earplugs or plug up one ear, wear the blindfold and earplugs at the same time. Wear a weight vest all day long with the maximum amount of weight in the pockets. Tie one hand behind your back. Why??? Learn gratitude. Stop taking things like getting laid this weekend for granted.

The person in administration that is working on making everyone's life harder, I'm working om making everyone's life easier. The guy at the gym that is there to be bigger than me, I'm at the gym to get healthy and stay healthy.

Yes, society and their rules. Some need to be obeyed or you will go to jail, avoid those. You still need to ask yourself? Where do you want to be in 3 months, 1 year, 5 years from today? In 3 months you are going to be somewhere you want to be or end up somewhere you don't like. Write down your goals. It is like going on a road trip with or without a map. Eventually you will reach a destination, was it your intended destination??

Thanks for the comments guys. I know there's no one else but me who can solve my questions, but perspectives help, and journaling helps.

Though 4Kingdoms, I think in that last part you're just echoing my questions back at me. I ask myself what do I want to do and where do I want to be in the future all the time. That's what most of that last post was about. And that's also exactly why this thing bothers me: because I feel it is important and urgent, yet something I can't seem to get solved. Urgent because I know not making a decision is the same as deciding to do nothing. And I can't write down my goals if I don't know what I want. And I can't spring to action if I don't have goals. And if I do nothing I feel like shit, hence the post. But I don't know how to start in the middle. Amazing though how much helping you're doing, you're definitely someone to look up to in that regard. Interesting how if I think about doing something like that, I think "no way... I'd have to give up / surrender about everything..". Useless longing towards somethings I can't even identify, and then this feeling of wanting to hold on to, and fear of letting go of, what I've already invested so much into. And expecting anything else to require an equally large investment to get into.

I resonate with what Raz said about taking a road that is stimulating for me, but I haven't fully come to terms with it, so I can't focus it and write out specific goals to reach it. "Stimulating" as in partying all the time is not it, and maybe not even "stimulating" as in working to get really good at something myself, because there's this "what's the point" feeling. So I hesitate setting goals towards something like that, because I'll feel I'm just making up a distraction so I don't have to solve the hard question (but will have to face it eventually anyway). This is what what used to happen with the gym; I'd have a drive, a motivation to accomplish something, and then I'd just "decide" on the gym. Similar thing with women and clubs. Not saying that I'm not interested in getting laid, I'm saying the accomplishment of that doesn't fulfill me, so it can only be a side job, so to say - not the answer.

On one hand, I need to decide on something fast, because "the clock's ticking". On the other, I need to let go of this need to know the answer, because its not helping. If I don't know, then I don't know. Paradox. Realistically, the only way I'll be able to move forward to is to relax and just do something. Though that again clashes with reality, since I can't "just" try some different jobs and see what I'd like. Why? Fear of losing what I have, and the fact that its damn hard enough getting a job in the industry I actually have work experience!

If I wasn't way too afraid to do it, and I'd actually believe I could pull it off, I'd probably burn all bridges and take a break from society, just keeping myself alive somehow and doing something to focus on something other than myself. NOT as in have children, but something that wouldn't bind me so hard. Maybe then I'd be free to see what's right in front of me, or maybe that's just romanticizing.

I think the right road is towards stimulating myself in enough ways, i.e. using more of myself: both the driven, ambitious parts AND the parts that want to connect. Still far from tangible goals, though.

Oddly I can only remember 1-3 dreams on EPRHA. On OGSF I had lots of practical dreams, always with components of shame and fear that I could easily recognize afterwards. I have tension in my jaw though, feels almost like I'm grinding my teeth (which I never have).