Subliminal Talk

(05-20-2016, 08:31 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]Hey! Interesting analogy, though the concerns I have are more "sorry, I need to put my own needs before yours", and I see that analogy more as "sorry, you need to put your own long-term needs before short-term needs". But hey, its a different perspective.

Intellectually what I posted is, and has been, 100% clear to me - still, it often prevails. Don't like disappointing others, I guess. Maybe that links back to how I place 'value' on myself, somehow. Mm, whatever. There was other stuff mixed in that particular bad day as well; something about others getting it all in the end when I don't, or some general down-feeling like that (victim). Got out of it though after a little talk & fun.

Ah, ok well bad analogy on my part then.

However, consider this: if you were to put other's needs before yours, where would it end? I mean, if you get really creative, you can even make an argument for never eating or breathing ever again. Obviously, this is ridiculous, because you need those things to live. But the same is true about other things, like you happiness and well-being.

That's why I say: "if my actions don't kill, physically harm, emotionally scar or traumatize, take something from or hinder another person's goals, then there's no reason I shouldn't be 100% ok with doing it."

Plus you gotta consider what kinds of people would want you to be miserable for their happiness or personal well-being...

Yep. Actually it seems many people want me to put my needs before theirs in my decisions, if the situation is recognized at least. And yes, if I realize they don't then my caring stops there and I'll do whatever the hell I want. Its something about my (bad) expectations. Guess I'm traumatized that way. But I'm having some positive experiences to balance that right now.

Appreciate your thinking again, because that what you say is just healthy and not really trying for anything grandiose besides that.

(05-20-2016, 09:04 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]Yep. Actually it seems many people want me to put my needs before theirs in my decisions, if the situation is recognized at least.

This is a good sign. I've had the same thing recently where I think that I'll actually be reprimanded (but don't care) by saying something about myself and then I'm surprised to see people be accepting of it.

Then after I'm like "who are other people to reprimand me anyhow? I'm not a kid!" definitely some early trauma carrying over there.

(05-20-2016, 09:04 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]And yes, if I realize they don't then my caring stops there and I'll do whatever the hell I want. Its something about my (bad) expectations. Guess I'm traumatized that way. But I'm having some positive experiences to balance that right now.

Yeah, cool, good to hear.

(05-20-2016, 09:04 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]Appreciate your thinking again, because that what you say is just healthy and not really trying for anything grandiose besides that.

Exactly.

Glad I could help a little.

Day 86, I think

"who's making you do it?" is something I've been asking myself on multiple occasion throughout the last weeks. E.g. today I was thinking about E2 vs the new AoS: "why do I have to become this picture of serenity, why the hell couldn't I just strive towards that which I like in those other guys (energy, confident, directed, intense)?". Well, who's making me? Shannon? Nah, he's just making (awesome) programs. Its all on me, if I want to go that way, then that's what I can choose to do. Other examples would be: who's making me eventually get into relationships, who's making me do or not do something I wouldn't choose to do or not do on my own, etc. I do long for having a stronger sense of direction like I've had on other subs (and even off subs) - it seems my reaction to E2 is to be even more observant and open towards all kinds of stuff. Being more reactive than before (as opposed to self-directed). Hate that sometimes, as it feels weak. It does also feel good and free. Free to enjoy things. But no desire for even potential conflict. Passive.

Enjoying solitude and enjoying good company. Sometimes like today I'll feel something processing and I'll feel drawn for long walks, which are awesome. Today I felt like smiling and ended up doing an experiment to see if I could get people to smile (back) at me. No success :D On two walks, I tried a little to make contact with some, I guess, 50+ individual people on the street. One young woman, I instantly felt was almost giggly and would've smiled at me, though we ended up missing that. One older woman gave me a supremely suspicious look that made me laugh out loud afterwards. Other than that... nothing. People are just extremely careful to look away and not to make any contact, get out of danger as quickly as possible. And I wasn't staring or anything, I just had the intention to smile and I felt light, with E2 playing on ear plugs. Really feels like I'm alone in here. Such a contrast to a trip I made a while ago. Though I'm not saying the others are douches - its taken me this long to even properly try in this very anti-human environment, so why would I presume it'd be easy on them either. Hoping to progress from this careful, even shy, opening up of my behavior towards something more powerful. Soon.

Day 87

When I get angry, I feel it much more strongly now. Just now, I was about to explode from the inside out with the stupidity I have to endure these last weeks while still at my old job. Really had to work on maintaining my composure. Last week I also had this occasion where I needed to take a deep deep breather when someone was displaying her attitude.

(05-31-2016, 03:17 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]Day 87

When I get angry, I feel it much more strongly now. Just now, I was about to explode from the inside out with the stupidity I have to endure these last weeks while still at my old job. Really had to work on maintaining my composure. Last week I also had this occasion where I needed to take a deep deep breather when someone was displaying her attitude.

I find it weird, I've been running E2 since the day it came out as well and I recently have been feeling angry about the things I was angry about before starting E2. I felt a bit less angry earlier on, but recently, it's been strong. Hopefully it's addressing those issues.

I took a day off, and now I'm testing out the new DAOSI - now on Day 2.

So far I've just been really tired. After the 1st night I felt like a had a fever: a felt (my face) was warm, and didn't feel that good. Could've been tired+aura. Then just really tired in the evening, especially my eyes would not keep open. One girl might've noticed me.

Last (2nd) night I somehow woke up at 4am, then I guess I intended to get up but didn't. I remember I felt something strong, initially thinking something is wrong, but then realizing I can still breath and it doesn't hurt. A hot sensation in my upper chest, throat, and maybe mouth. Might've been similar to something I'd feel at extreme arousal, ie. just about to have sex, or maybe in muay thai training or something. Then I fell asleep again. Not sure if that was a dream or really happened. Haven't really felt any strong sensation from the program while awake. Some dreams I remember were not about women.

I wanted to test this, no idea how long I'll be running it for. I'm going out a bit today, so at least for that long. Maybe the weekend, maybe the month, and so on. E2 is a good program and I do have a desire to get back on it. The flipsides are: E2 isn't really directed towards anything concrete ("what do happy people do?", and when "can" E2 be stopped?), and DAOSI is primarily only about the rare, quickly fleeting, moments in my day-to-day when I see some hot girls - whereas E2 works primarily on me, all the time, no matter where I am. Though if DAOSI is all powerful as its sales page says, the 2nd goal should have a strong effect as well, making it more well rounded program for personal development as well. I have a lot of doubt of my attractiveness, and if I could overcome that resistance to the instructions in DAOSI , I think I'd be much better off. But I realize now that any sub needs to be run for at least 3 months to have any benefit. Its now a perfect time to run DAOSI (summer months), but of course I'd regret to lose the momentum I've gained on E2. Also, in those months I'll be moving and starting at a new job, so E2 would keep me calm there. DAOSI should keep me relaxed as well, and increase confidence, self esteem, etc. On the other hand, the summer will be very beautiful on E2 even without the ladies. Truth be told, I'm not sure why I'd need them anyway, but that might be denial. We'll see.

In terms of goals, I understand the subs need to have a clear goal to be effective. I've also observed that it is really unnatural for me to be that single-minded in my life for extended periods at a time (3 - 12+ months). Another observation is that I don't care to put a lot of conscious effort into chasing tail these days - though this could change, of course. So, if I put most of my conscious effort into my job, hobbies, and personal development, AND I run a sub such as BASE, then I will completely block out any dating life, and will not make any progress there. So a sort of balance could (maybe) be achieved by consciously working on other goals, and concurrently running a sub that has a strong dating component. Because I do want my dating life to "take care of it itself", so this might accomplish just that. And subs are positive programming, so there's bound to be spillover into other areas of my life too. Or E2 will work on everything, makes everything a little lighter, a little easier. I do feel somewhat lazy and in observation mode while on it, though. No strong desire to engage in challenges, because I'm already quite happy. Because I don't need them to be happy. But.. bored? I want to become more engaged again - but maybe more just for having something exciting to do than the actual "results".

Feeling Lighter is a good feeling on the program; Inner work does involve being content being by oneself when needed

So, I looked under the hood repeatedly, and now I know continuing with E2 is the right choice for me at this time. Most likely for another 3 months, making it 6 months of E2 preceded by 1 month of OGSF. That'll also get me well over my move and new job, so I'll be in a good position to go forward from there. Right now I'm hoping for Ultra Success 5.5G, but no use speculating.

If I stop E2, stuff will come up in 2-3 days. When I start playing it again, it'll release within 20 minutes to an hour with yawns, cry, laughter, etc - and I'll feel like I've gone through something. You could say I'm a bit slow, or sore. After this, I am very convinced that E2 is for real - both state shifting and the ability to bring stuff up. Not conclusive about actually dealing with that stuff, since its still there, but time will tell. I'm also convinced I'd be much better off without these underlying issues.

I'm wondering if the program would be more effective with less listening. If I play it a lot I'll get into this constant state where I can't tell anything is happening, being processed, been processed, or anything. If I stop the program and let the issues come up, then restart, they will get dealt with. So I'm thinking it might be better to have daily mini cycles of this, i.e. only listening at night and letting things come up during the day instead of spamming the state shifting all the time. Because if I do, I will often not feel any of the signs in my body that something is being or has been processed, and its therefore hard to believe that it would be. I guess its just control issues that I have to try and get in as many hours as possible with these programs. I am letting go of it a little though - just a little.

Shannon: is it possible that too much of E2 will prevent stuff from getting processed, maybe because of the state shifting, positive programming, processing instead of executing, or just plain getting tired or bored with the instructions? Would it be better to aim for constant bliss or a bit of contrast between letting stuff come up and then releasing it with the state shifting?

I have thought about this too. You know how it is, the beginning of any sub, "Wow! This is amazing. This is so powerful!" And then, day by day, it starts to settle in and you don't even know what the heck is happening. And it does make me wonder if the subs, especially the latest ones, are better utilized over a span of a short period of time, say anything between 1 to 14 days. Deal with the stuff as it pops up, let it go and continue our merry way.

Pau Ko seems to be doing great with 2 hours a day, so that seems viable. Also maybe taking one of two days of every week, or 2 on - 1 off. Because right now on E2, it does clearly work again after I pause using it for while.

Btw, I am definitely one of those personalities who hates being told what to do. Shannon has been saying that in cases like these e.g. AM can begin processing (only) after running the program, while on break. But wouldn't it then be better to integrate short breaks into the schedule, rather than supposedly processing 6x32 days of input all at once?

Then there is this one guy who reported amazing results in just 1 hour a day.

I don't know if this analogy fits, but maybe it's like a game of tennis. Let's suppose, it's a match between the-shit-life-throws-at-us vs E2. E2 is on the receiver's end and deals with the ball accordingly. But when life doesn't have any shit to throw, E2 is like, "Okay, what do I do now? I have already dealt with the stuff that life threw at me." And goes into passive mode.

Yes, that's exactly how I was feeling. Spot on. Its good that this is a single-stage sub then, so there's room to experiment. I could've chosen better than to start my sub career with 18 months of multi stages and just trying to spam "enough" hours in for insurance that I'll always be ready to transition into the next stage. But shouldn't judge what I did in the past based on information that might only be sinking in now.