Subliminal Talk

(06-21-2016, 06:23 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]

(06-21-2016, 05:39 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]TRE for me brought up some stuff to the surface, too much stuff at once. The problem was I did these TRE sessions and it stuck around for days. It's sort of like opening a valve and it all comes pouring out at once, there's really no way to regulate it other than stopping. It would be like going back to E1. The problem with that program was there was no regulation so you overwhelmed yourself with what was brought up.

It'd be interesting to know if you did it somehow differently to what I've been doing, because all I get is some relaxation. I've done 20-30 minute sessions, twice yesterday but that was abnormal. I'll do it daily for now and try to coax something out; at least I think it helps by relaxing my lower back a little, which is worth it by itself.

In the book I read Berceli wrote that if you do encounter lots of emotional turmoil, you can just do it less. How much did you do? He writes: "If you don’t have an intense adverse reaction to the exercises, you can practice them every other day for a month. Taking this approach helps to orient your body to the shaking and allows you to gradually decrease the tension in your body. After a month you can reduce the number of times you do the exercises to approximately twice a week. If you do them less than this, your body may once again begin to accumulate stress and tighten up."

The key is you have to completely let go. If you're consciously analyzing the process it won't work as well. You'll know when you get deeper into it because you kind of lose awareness of yourself. It's pretty much beyond words, but that's the point where the barrier between your subconscious and conscious is removed and things start flowing to the surface.

I only did it once a week. Some days were more rewarding than others. It was really hit or miss.

(06-21-2016, 04:48 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Hmm interesting, I do TRE from one of the dvd's so I do it most of that time they are demonstrating. But i've also been listening to my body, yesterday and the time before I got to the point I had this strong feeling of "ok that's all I can handle for today" and I stopped. Maybe you're going past that point Mat.

When I did TRE in the past more emotions did come up, but this time I haven't noticed it or maybe i'm not attributing it to TRE. I feel like E2 may be making those things easier to deal with aswell compared to when I did TRE alone.

Maybe, it's certainly possible. I have a tendency to go overboard with this stuff at times and push beyond my limits. I think the problem was when I hit the "that's enough" point I'd already invited more than I could handle and it stuck around for another couple of days.

Came up with a more Notebookish post, so I'll post it here instead of my new AOSI journal.

Seems if I don't listen as much, I have more time or mental resources to think. Got a good glimpse into what I consider is my #1 problem. I have many angles of thought on it, and they're sort of being coalesced into one. In short, it has to with memories and fears of being very separate from others in a social group; of feeling like an outsider who's not good enough to join the fun and play, laugh and connect with the others.

I was an only child and my father was very closed off emotionally. He spoke very little, and when he did he always seemed angry about having to do it and tried to use as few words as possible. I do understand him somewhat now, though. He had good intentions, but its this.. unfortunately familiar feeling that I guess has something to do with protecting himself. Can't quite decipher it, but I have the attitude towards my mum in some situations. Learned it 1:1 then I guess. Anyway, so there's this other group of children, sort of family, who are my peers in a way (about the same age). But, they are a group of *redacted*, all of them tightly knit with each other and with much more social parents and much more energy to them, it seems. So what usually happened was that they'd play with each other, and I was welcomed and I tried, but I always felt like an outsider on some level and wished I could be more like them. But couldn't, so I felt bad about being the way I was.

At this point I should say that what's really amazed me on some level is that I've had a lot of improvement in how I see myself in relation to these other 'kids' (not kids anymore). I've come from always being the quiet one sitting back and letting everyone else talk, feeling self-conscious and tired, to actually being to center of all conversation for 1-2 hours in groups of, say, 4 people from my extended family. There's still one of us who's extremely loud and gets all attention no matter where he is, so when he's around I still tend to start feeling a little unable to participate and thus self conscious. But its gotten a lot better.

Back to the issue, because of some random events I actually got picked on a lot at school, so I definitely felt like I had to try to stand my ground and be strong against everyone, and still try to do my best in hobbies and such. I've still always thought of myself as kinda strong, confident and even funny deep down, but I've always worried about not having enough energy. So, I knew if I had enough energy I could be 'on', and I'd do just fine. But if I felt I didn't have that energy, then I couldn't apply the force that I needed to be confident, and then I thought there's no choice but to again become this withdrawn, isolated thing that was not part of any group - or that no group would accept as one of their own. So I WANTED to be social, but I NEEDED a lot of energy to be 'on', and if I didn't have it I'd just want to get out of the situation as fast as possible. So of course if I knew, for example, that I was to go out tonight, I'd spend the whole day stressing over if I have enough energy of not in the evening, and of course that worrying always made sure I was out of energy in the evening. So its not surprising that going out was always very inconsistent for me; sometimes it was just awesome and I could talk to anybody, sometimes it was horrible. Every time the thought of going out was stressful. Still is.

I do also think this has implications to why I haven't really been able to relax into any of my relationships. Though I do make connections, and if I can get to sex then the women will almost always want a relationship with me. I'm still in good terms of some of my exes because they're great people - I actually can't even get to sex with 'trashy' or 'bitchy' women, because I don't know how to connect with them enough to do that. But then with the women I keep dating, it tends to get deeper and then I tend to get restless and put the brakes on ever so slightly, which predictably makes them chase it, and that's where I'm usually at at any relationship. Though I am 100x more open now than I used to be; E2 and OGSF 5G especially have been amazing in this regard.

AM6, so far, tends to make me more isolated, but that's never been my problem. I've always felt safe when I'm alone. ASC felt like it was really hitting something important. I think ASC gives me that energy that I'm always craving for (more animating energy in my body), and with that my problems are solved. With energy I feel confident, masculine, strong, driven, great. But ASC 5G did hit a lot of resistance, so I'm eagerly waiting for ASC 6G. In a way I think E2 is just what the doctor ordered.. it basically tries to relax me and get me to be fine with this not-pumped-up state and be fine with 'just' socializing with people 'normally', and like myself even in that situation and all that. But if you read this far, you can probably understand why I'd unconsciously do all I can to avoid that. I've even been doing that consciously for as long as I can remember - that's why I keep drinking coffee! (though not more than 1-2 cups a day anymore)

What else, this is a long post... Well yeah, in line with liking myself a lot when I DO have energy is why I love sex. Especially though sexual energy, because when I'm very turned on I feel very very strong. And if I'm with a girl and were flirting hard, I'll feel the energy, and thus very strong, and thus very good about myself. If its a ONS, or the 1st time, I remember its been all too clear some times when after sex the energy has faded, and then I'm only 1/100 as confident as was just before. And also the whole pick-up thing was suitable for me, since it was about puffing myself up for relatively short interaction where I could maintain this confidence and feel good about myself, but I could also get out before, or shortly after, it went on for too long and I'd start to want to isolate again. If I could get this thing handled, you know I might still just want to have ONS's, who knows, but realistically, I think my view into what I'll eventually want is obscured for now. I'll have to clear some of this blockage. E2, ASC 6G, AOSI v2, I think they can all help - they're just different approaches. (If I know on a belief level that I AM sexy, then there should be any need to force it anymore.)

E: And one more connection was that I noticed I'm also on some level expecting to not fit in, or be accepted by, my new coworkers. I think professionally I'll do well, but this has more to do with that casual (not sexually charged, or otherwise energized) socializing in the office. Traces right back to what I was talking about, me thinks.

Day 111

I experimented with DMSI 2.1 for 5 days or so (had a big event coming up), then took a day off and came back to E2 two days ago. I've tried to reduce all these side-tracking days from my E2 day counter here, so 111 represents the days I've actually been on E2. The OGSF and self-validation of course was also in DMSI 2.1.

Imo, DMSI is shaping up to be a really good program. Especially now with even more E2 components integrated into v2.2, I would switch over to that if women and getting laid was my focus atm. As it stands, I'm not exactly sure what my focus is, sex isn't critically important right now, and now that I've seen E2 bring up this sadness etc., I recognize that its something I'd be much better off without. So, sticking with E2 for now. Though I am moving, and the situation with the gf is that she is great and sexy, but I don't think we'll ever really really build anything out of it, so... I'll ride it out for now, but I know I'll be interested in dating in the (near) future. Also, I'm going to need a motivation boost as I'm starting at a new job, so even in that sense I might not afford to be on E2 that much longer. Anyway, I'm blabbering..

I think I know how I should relate to E2 now. I should relax into it. Duh.

So, think that you're afraid of something, but you need to function anyway. For example, your neighbor has a big-ass angry dog, and you need to walk just past it every day. Its scary, but you quickly learn you can sort of tense up and push that fear back, and holding that tension you can walk past it. And soon you can walk past it while talking on the phone. The tension is still there, but you've sort of forgotten about it.

I think for me its like I'm always putting this tension against something. I haven't fully mapped out what those things are, but it includes GSF and other things that trigger emotional pain (abandonment, social rejection, smt like that). Definitely includes hearing some older kids always calling me names and just trying to ignore that and stand tall and remain confident. I CAN function quite well, but I've learned I can do that if I can make myself feel really confident or energetic or sexy or something like that, which pumps me up so good that the relatively low amount of tension I still have to uphold doesn't feel that much. So now that's why I always feel I NEED. Ways to do this include coffee and pumping up my confidence in various ways, incl chest-up body language and clapping my hands and such. This is why I LOVED ASC when it was working; it got me what I felt I needed. I've always had trouble with maintaining energy levels, and I think this is at least part of the why. There might be a medical component to it as well, but idk and I'll not get into it.

I also think especially the PUA mentality/community/industry, and especially with my predisposition towards this, enforces this mentality that people (men, me) need to MORE than they are. And bars/club environments enforce this. Initially in PU you needed to be a performer and do magic tricks, then you just needed to be really really social and extroverted and indifferent, and then you just needed to be really sexual, etc etc etc. Sexual is my favorite since its most low-key and relaxed, but still. Its always pushing - not necessarily pushing myself to her, but pushing myself internally through that tension I hold. I did always notice that if I felt energetic, or I had to something grand like running across the street to get to her or something, I'd usually be fine. When I was pumped up mentally. But anything low-key or casual would be really difficult to get myself to do. Casual failure like catcalling = hardest thing in the world, big risk/effort failure = ha, that was fun!

I don't even want to hang out with my friends unless I'm feeling at least average energy, and I recognize the reason is because I think I will not be confident enough (most often), interesting/funny enough or whatever. If I don't have that extra juice to ignore the baseline level of tension I'm always holding onto in any social situation. That's why I've always had great difficulty holding relaxed eye contact e.g. at work, while I can hold steady-as-a-rock eye contact when I'm charged and sharing a moment with a hottie somewhere. I don't need alcohol, I just need the rush, and to give myself permission in that moment.

So, in conclusion, I think my challenge with E2 is try to always let go of that tension. Practical example: I go for a walk outside and I see I'm about to walk past 5 hotties eating and chatting outside at a cafe. Or I get into a conversation with anyone during the day. Reaction #1: my body language might or might not stiffen, or I might make sure my chest is up, or smt like that. Reaction #2: mentally, I'll stiffen, or sort of freeze a little bit actually. Like if you were to lift a deadlift at the gym, just before lifting you'd have this moment where you blow the air out and tense your core muscles, and there's a moment of blankness mentally. I sort of hold that, so that all my reactions are a little controlled. Of course I'll try to loosen up, but still sort of make sure that all the peaces are in my control. Then how I'll usually "do" confidence when I get like this is I'll sort of manually switch it on by force, and then I push it to being. So I feel that if I fully relaxed, I could not push the confidence, and thus I would have to be that weakling who isn't good enough, who doesn't impress, deserve respect, attention from women, etc, I guess. So I guess I have to try and embrace just being normal, or anything that I happen to be if let go of all control. With procrastination too: not thinking I'll do it when I'm feeling motivated and inspired, but just sort of move the required muscles with no extra tension and see it for what it is.

Holding eye contact while tired and not really wanting anything from the conversation. That's where it comes out. I feel like I should just have more energy to be more confident, like I should maybe be more expressive, or just sort of in general do or be more of something that I don't exactly know what, but I probably don't have the energy for it now - and that's why I tend to act more shy when tired. I'll stand my ground if need be, but I'll mostly look away and just focus on the words. Auditory is NLP terms, me thinks.

I know its a long post. Writing this out is therapeutic

(07-12-2016, 09:20 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]So, think that you're afraid of something, but you need to function anyway. For example, your neighbor has a big-ass angry dog, and you need to walk just past it every day. Its scary, but you quickly learn you can sort of tense up and push that fear back, and holding that tension you can walk past it. And soon you can walk past it while talking on the phone. The tension is still there, but you've sort of forgotten about it.

Didn't read the rest of your post after this but I just had to comment.

I was doing sales yesterday and there was a dog who growled at me. It was literally the first time this had happened to me whilst doing sales. I've seen a hundred or so dogs, all different sizes, but they never growled at me, so it was strange. I tried to relax into it and pet him but he stayed growling so I figured best not inflame the situation.

It was interesting, and more interesting was how it was the first time this had happened to me.

Not sure exactly what this has to do with your realization, but it was just something I wanted to share.

Mm, interesting. Never had any problems with dogs. Oh, actually one bit me when I was a kid, but no trauma. Also got a little stupid going between two bigger dogs biting it out a couple years ago. Though I am more of a cat person. I like how they're so agile and move so fluently, and also how they're not craving for me to pet them all the time, but they have more personality that way. And you sort of have to know how to handle them. They're like women in a way, and vice versa.

(07-12-2016, 10:36 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]Mm, interesting. Never had any problems with dogs. Oh, actually one bit me when I was a kid, but no trauma. Also got a little stupid going between two bigger dogs biting it out a couple years ago.

Ouch. I've been bit once before too I think. But it's been a while since I've had a problem with a dog. Like I said, I can't even remember the last time before yesterday.

(07-12-2016, 10:36 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]Though I am more of a cat person. I like how they're so agile and move so fluently, and also how they're not craving for me to pet them all the time, but they have more personality that way. And you sort of have to know how to handle them. They're like women in a way, and vice versa.

I've heard that. Does that mean if cats start liking you, women will start liking you?

Day 112

Feeling a bit more spacious and calmer tonight, finally - even if I seem to have gotten a flu with a slight fever. Been going through a lot lately, emotionally. If I want to feel bad I can start comparing subs and other life choices; my mind will start going in circles and I'll more or less drown in it. If I want to feel better, I can just let it go as much as I can and try to focus on what's before me, or just be. How annoying that sometimes to gain clarity I have to let go of trying to figure it out.

Day 113

Today I'm so glad I'm using E2. The better feeling I had yesterday - went away, replaced by shait. The gf was having a pretty bad emotional breakdown (nothing to do with me), and maybe that triggered something in me or just the general mood of it drew me in. Side note: I don't mind a crying women at all anymore. When its got nothing to do with manipulating me, that is. I think its healthy (catharsis), and I'm happy she's processing.

Anyway, today was pretty sh_itty as well, lots of sadness and stuff. I've been remembering that went I went for high hours, E2 made me really happy at times - and now with low hours its just been bringing stuff up but I've been sad and miserable all the time. So I went for high hours again, and I'm gradually feeling better and better. Its like the veil of sadness is lifting and I'm feeling the positive programming of E2 again: hopefull, open, free. Right now I'm getting a new sense of what the word 'free' might mean for me, and how that'd feel. I went for a walk practicing it, and how I can just freely look at people without trying to enforce any sort of frame or hide anything or nothing like that. Just be. Had this funny thought 'I' am what I am regardless of how anyone could react to or think of me doing that - and that the two are just completely non-related. I guess I've always been mixing those things heavily. Of course, I expect to be taking a few steps back soon, as it always goes, but it is seeming hopeful.

After a bit of (understandable) pushing from her, I shared what I'm doing with E2, and some of the stuff I've been going through. I always have this habit of hiding something from people, and now I now its been bothering me. I don't want to talk about this stuff with her because I think it shows how 'weak' I am, and that might make her lose respect for me, or she might use it against me later on if we get separated. But of course what I'm doing is 100% good, right, etc., so it can only be used against me if continue to be ashamed of it. Of having weaknesses, of doing self-development so much, doing what no else does, etc. In reality, she is very very live-and-let-live, so of course it wasn't a problem at all. She got horny, actually. I would still have hangups introducing her to the forum, especially because DMSI is all the rage atm. So that's where my shame is: E2 = acceptable, good; DMSI = my dirty little secret. I also had a bit of insight into how I might want things to evolve and play out between us, but that's not for this journal.

Noticed DMSI 2.2 is out. I will be using it at some point, but I feel I'm on the right track now. Gotta refrain from reading the forum too much, except the E2 journals - that are getting better every day, btw. Awesome that people are seeing progress.

Day 114

Funny enough, today I feel normal. Its been a while. This is very typical of me when I up the hours: I start feeling completely normal. Felt normal though AM6 twice, and I felt normal on E2 before I reduced the hours because of traveling. Not sure if the programs are working properly like this, or if there should be more processing time. Maybe the ride is just much smoother with high hours, idk.

I'm a little sick, on vacation, and waiting to actually move in a couple days, so I'm just doing nothing (but thinking and reading). Picked up The Happiness Advantage and just started.

I think I had short dream were someone either told me or cast a spell on me, saying that I'm not afraid of people anymore, and I cried my eyes out in the dream.. and then I woke up feeling just fine and not emotional at all, which was a weird contrast.

I need to start doing stuff again. There are plenty of stuff that I'd like to do, but for some reason or another I either can't decide between options, or I feel that I can't do them right now; GSF, feeling like I wouldn't know how or wouldn't have enough confidence/charisma/sexiness to pull it off, or deservedness issues. So I evade doing much and instead focus on looking inwards to see what I could change to make it easier or effortless. This isn't working. But at least I'm not out of commission by that sadness that's been all consuming lately.

Maybe it is processing time that makes the difference on how E2 feels. I remember I kept my hours very high and then I lowered down to only 8 just to "see where I am". It got super bad emotionally for me, so I upped the hours after that. I'm in a more balanced place hours wise now.

Day 131

Ok, so I've been meaning to post something for a couple of days, but haven't been able to decide what. I have experienced a clear shift in this, and I'd like to explain it, but its mostly experiential stuff (ie. an experience), so I don't want to try to capture it into some (false) rigid logical puzzle. I actually had the thought that I could probably teach this quite well in person (its a presence thing) - and that I'm probably making quite a bit of effect on the gf.

Anyway, some random notes (might post more later as I need to go soon):

+ I've been really into getting in great shape again. Studied the Kinobody programs (WSP, and that Radu fellow on youtube), been doing (proper) IF daily again and been tracking my calories and protein for 2+ weeks now. Also doing the KB WSP gym routine, which is primarily based on increasing strength in the 4-8 rep range. I've been eating a LOT of crap since I started on OGSF 5G before E2, but now it finally flipped 2 weeks ago. I don't have that much to cut; in 1-2 months I'll be at 9% and then I'll do 2 weeks maintenance, and then onto a slight surplus.

+ I'm sort of disillusioned from fear and the more sadness-feeling woes. I've had a lot of time to just be lately, and I switched from earphones only to just playing the ultrasonic on speakers for almost the whole day, plus Stream through sleep phones at night. Could be that US track made the resistance so strong, abundant and clear (plus I listened through the Practicing the power of now audiobook 2-3 times), that I sort of went "fuck this, I don't want to this anymore" - "this" meaning to create tension (=discomfort) by resisting.

+ Realized what Tolle was saying: the emotions are not me - so I need not identify with them. Maybe a bit more in the style of Alan Watts (contrasting), on mt table before me, I see (observe) a pen. I see a big-ass TV near the opposite wall. I see them, thus they're external to myself, thus they are not me. In the same way, I "see" (mostly feel as a sort of cloud of energy) a fear response, or a sadness, or physical pain, or a thought, or even mind processes. Tolle says to observe the Painbody, which I think is good in that it even magnifies the distinction when you sort of label the collection of those emotions like it was another person (Pain Body, lol), so its definitely not you. I have been observing emotions for a long time, but I think what this did to me was it took away the shame and guilt and feelings of inadequacy that arose with the feelings. For example, when I felt fear I was also ashamed that I was afraid when I should already not be - and then my priority was to make it go away (exert control over it) so that I (ego) would remain intact. Because who I want to be, and I guess who I think I am, is not afraid, so if I experience fear, then I'll also get quilt over being "wrong", and not being able to control it, or something like that. Anyway, disconnecting me (as the observer, who I cannot observe myself) from the emotions (all that I observe) just reduces them to sort of objects - like the pen before me. There's a reason they there, they won't just vanish, but now it makes no sense at all to resist their existence. For example, "the painbody" is there because my mind has learned through experience that I should be very careful in situation X, so what it does is that is brings up this sensation that I observe currently. Often the sensation too strong that, effectively, I cannot freely do the actions I might like to, but that's just because the strength of it is so distracting to my senses that my attention keeps getting drawn to it. It does not actually have any power over me. No matter how scared I felt, I could still just let it be and do what I wanted to - its just distracting. Maybe there could be so much that I'd have a heart attack, BUT I have a theory that it'd still not be the fear exerting control over my physical body - it'd actually be me resisting the feeling of fear, and I'd resist so hard in the wrong places as to physically mess myself up. So the fear was just a ghost, and, scared of it, I willingly jumped off a cliff to my death.

+ Resistance. (ah shit, I need to get going already...) My working theory is that, initially something happens and the person feel fear. The fear is felt as a sharp pain. The normal reaction to sharp pain is to do anything is one's power to quickly make it go away. With no lions to run away from, one often cannot physically do much in the face of, say social fears. So, one learns that he can apply tension (not sure if this is always muscular, or somehow mental) to dampen the feeling. Fear --> pain, tension (=resistance) --> no pain. So then you have all these fears and traumas that don't get dealt with, because every time they arise, they're (now subconsciously) immediately dampened by learned tension. One thus ends up thinking there is no fear, there's only "normal" discomfort in a lot of situations. I never show fear, nor do I think I have it, but instead I keep myself very controlled. I exert effort to keep myself controlled. From what do you think that is? "Being non reactive".

+ For example, a part of my work is that I need to deal with math of a specific type, and learn it from various, often poorly-written sources. I set aside some time to study a couple days ago, and I noticed I just kinda don't want to do, and had the urge to do something else instead - but caught myself in the middle of switching. Symptoms: I must somehow generate enough motivation to this work even for short amounts of time; with time-based pressure, coffee, adequate sleep, etc. I'll only do it for a short amount of time, and then I'll get distracted so easily. When I've been forced to it at 110% efficiency for a couple weeks, I've felt really burnt out. I get fidgety, I don't feel creative at all. Now to think of it, I feel a lot of tension when doing it. Resistance. This resistance makes me wheel like crap, do I really want to keep creating more of this for myself (since resistance does actually not work in affecting external situations)? What's behind it - what am I protecting myself against? So what eventually unveils is that (now familiar) feeling of trying to do and figure out anything and everything I can, and kicking and screaming in resistance on the floor like a baby, but just being unable to the get HOW I could possibly do this.. thing, whatever it is. Kind of desperation, and the ultimate loss of control, because there's nothing I can do anymore. So I'll just start slowly relaxing the tension that's masking this, and then I'll let it be and flow as easily as I can. I'll get this image of feeling utterly helpless in front of someone, and I see the urge to then run away, but I relax it, because there's no reason why I couldn't just stay and the feeling be. Oddly, at the other side of that sharp step of a total loss of control is actually total freedom. Its really, really different. You're standing there, with the same strength of energy in your body, basically, but in resistance mode, you're trying to dampen all that energy by applying opposite tension and its draining the hell out of you, and then suddenly by just letting it be you're still standing there, but all this previously pent-up energy is actually overflowing from you and you're not even feeling twitchy or anything, just energized like never before. I can just feel it now, its there's a sun under my chest blasting through, or some huge stream of water flowing up and out of my chest. Surreal. Wow. So anyway, getting to that basic emotion, I can see its the same thing I'm resisting in some other contexts as well. Another basic feeling is feeling like I need to escape from the spotlight of attention people are giving me, because they'll see that I can't do or be or learn or perform in the way I should or want to.. so that's also about losing control, specifically about being utterly helpless right there in front of, and on the mercy of everybody. I can do the disconnect with this. What's interesting is, remembering that bit about not identifying with the emotions, and thus having no shame over them, when I stop resisting them, I suddenly feel something like pride in having them and showing them to others. Its like I'm proud of all this beautiful energy that I have, and its also like I'm actually saying a lot or communicating with it, even though I have no thoughts to verbalize. Sharing something, I guess.

+ I am slowly trying to move more towards the state I described above in my normal life. Its there, but I haven't had to chance to interact much in it, yet. Yesterday, when I was really feeling it hard, I went to the grocery store and there was this kinda cure chick that I've been having some surprising moments with at the cash register. Not even sure if what I did could be considered flirting, but holy fuck there was a lot fear-energy flowing around in my body! Caught myself habitually tensing up, and it just went away, then I relaxed/opened, and it was all there again. Again, its just surreal.

+ I can access this most easily when I'm in a fasted state. Maybe its the adrenaline, I don't know. Dies down when I eat, though its still there occasionally.

+ Oh, one more thing about productivity on E2. According to me view on using tension/resistance as a dampener of fear and such, it implies that we life in constant state of low-level tension (=fear). Its not really a choice to keep it up, its just a learned response, like the reflex to pull the hand away from the burning stove, which causes pain. Emotional pain -> resist by applying tension. So, with this in place, the only way one can become very motivated is to have the emotions felt labeled as motivation become so much greater in magnitude than the low-level tension that attention is drawn onto them naturally, and thus away from the fear-tension. (considering meditation, intense focus on an object can, I hear, cause the mind to let go of all muscle tension, so maybe its does also dissolve with enough focus on motivation...) - while it last. I definitely could be wrong, but what AM and such do is they go the "normal" route of getting to user to man up and apply more tension to overcome the base-level tension, and thus get shit done. E2, on the other hand, works by reducing all tension, but the tension is what's keeping the emotional pain dampened, and also from being processed. I wrote in Shannon's journal that I felt like I have no tools to work with anymore, and that I felt I cannot do stuff anymore. I think this is because "to do" is in my mind equated with that adding more and more tension to overcome friction, and if my ability to apply a lot of tension is gone, then my tools are gone, and I'm powerless. I think the E2 way is to do stuff in total relaxation. Now considering that initially E2 brings up a lot of stuff, and that I especially was constantly resisting that stuff, I was so distracted in it that the motivation to do stuff was buried way beneath it. Its still very wobbly, but its better, and I think that it comes down to the amount of resistance I apply to everything. If I don't resist, fears and urges are just very bright-colored ghosts, and I just need to adjust my eyes for a while to see through them again. If I resist, I manifest them as real tension that is as physical as I am.

+ Yes, I'm rambling. Feels like I'm just journaling to myself, if anyone read this, please remember that I consider all I say as strictly my opinion. I don't have much interest in a philosophical debate, I'm just trying to learn as I go along. It seems I'm also afraid of being critiqued, lol.

+ Trying to stay off the forum as much as I can. Reduces mental noise a lot, because I don't compare subs as much. AM/BASE/DMSI/SM are all choices. The obsession over women has been lessening a lot, so I'm not really sure how to weight my options for the coming years. I find a lot of the discomfort in a relationship comes down to resistance as well.

+ Sigh. Yeah one more thing is that, I though if I'd be very open, then people are going to be very mean to me, and it'll hurt. Helped a lot to see that, actually if they are being "mean", its not actually them. Their painbody is being triggered by something, and what I observe as an attack towards me, is actually just them identifying with their painbodies, and then acting as the painbody "tells" them to. And I them perceive that as an attack - so in a way I'm still identified with their painbody (or is it mine, idk). So it sort of helps to see both sides, and then its just the emotional conditioning and whatever hurt and at times accidentally believing those ghosts are real that causing the drama or the suspicion and carefulness between me and "the asshole" for example, but kind of behind it (s)he's a lot like me, it that he is an observer. And of course the he who is the observer is the only thing that I as the observer cannot observe, and thus maybe it is eventually the same observer identified as two distinct personal, but yeah.. not quite there yet :D

Have a nice weekend!

Day 135 (4*32 + 7)

Kinda funny that I still don't see it sometimes. I've been somewhat nervous these last days, at work mostly. Very tired in the evenings and didn't sleep that well either. Today I was just so spent I had to take a nap before I could possible force myself to go the gym. Felt "tired" and "stressed". Fell asleep quickly just looking at the stress/tension. I wake 20 minutes later, stay there for some extra 15 and I start to regain my consciousness.. and I see its basically terror that was underneath the tension, i.e., the reason for the tension. Now its very clearly there, radiating from the left side of my chest and neck area. Just let it be, yawn like crazy, and it clears in 1-2 hours (went to the gym at 1 hour and let it continue). That's how its happened a couple times now. But still, I couldn't see it through the stress/tension, even as I was actively looking for it yesterday because I know I felt stressed and tried to resolve it. Anyway, feeling lighter now.

I'll see if I can stay with E2 until the 6-month mark. Seems like things are moving forward (slowly) now, so no sense to stop now. I can definitely see how e.g. AM could work much better after a good while on E2. The normal state for me (and I'd bet for a low of other people too) is to resist something as a protection mechanism against fears or insecurities I'm not consciously aware at that moment. Let's take a casual eye contact situation at work as an example (or take clubbing sober if you wish). So then comes AM, saying that I should be dominant and masculine in that situation. So on top of holding that tension, as I'm forcing the fear to not be there, I'll also try to increase the tension to force it even further into dominance. So I'll get there, but its shaky; I'll be dominant, but only for short time spans, I'm not really relaxed, it'll feel uncomfortable, and I might avoid the situation. The total tension required for dominance should be a lot less after E2. Idk, maybe there shouldn't even be any tension after all the programming has sunken in.

EDIT: Btw, blow jobs are awesome now. For some reason I haven't really ever been able to fully relax into receiving them, but now I can. It also seems the gf is a lot better and more enthusiastic at giving them than she used to be. Ha.

Hahaha i'm laughing cos that would be a funny, unexpected testimonial..

"Since E2 blow jobs are much better".

Day 145

I think I'm doing well on E2.

I switched off E2; I'm testing DMSI 2.3 for now. Day 2.

Not quite sure about anything. What I want out of life, I mean. All the stuff I learned to look up to, like being 'alpha' or getting the hottest girls... nah. Much of that stuff how women are evil, and relationships are bad... nah. What's closer to what feels right atm is that guy who's naturally in a good mood, and goes about things in a cooperative way. Assuming the best, but of course not agreeing to anything he doesn't like (out of guilt or insecurity).

I'm definitely not yet at E2's goal. I was thinking about that momentarily today. There was a post some time ago already where Shannon said E2 is aimed at emotional vulnerability (or that's how I remember it). I am there, I think. Well, some of the time. It is the only way to live in the end, I think. Can't really see how one could get long-term fulfillment out of something without being emotionally vulnerable. Mental wounds are also not going to heal if you don't let go of the protective tension around the wound, so to say. Though with E2, in this phase at least, it does tend to mean you'll be somewhat whiny every now and then (not begging for pity, but more like acknowledging that you're not feeling too well - again). Mostly I'm testing DMSI to see how I'll feel with a more external focus for a while, and maybe I'll have some ideas on what I want to run next.

This last week I ventured into doing some releasing stuff. Don't care to listen to any moralizing about that as its 100% my choice. Anyway, felt really good and the gf was going on and on about how "sexy" I am and how horny she felt. Didn't even use any pheros (like I normally do). I'd say it probably had something to do with clearing away some guilt that caused me to be overly 'nice' to her. (Thanks mom, really, for controlling me with that victim shit and thus installing that guilt crap. I see you now. Though you did your best, I know.)