Subliminal Talk

Haha, me too! I've been digging into some pc games today after a long time.

Ha, fear of being judged as immature and fear of losing precious time lose 3-2 then!

I can't say there's many games that interest me right now. Far Cry Primal was a big letdown, The Division was okay but pretty repetative. The last game that really got me in was Fallout 4.

I don't know what i'm really waiting for other than Mass Effect 4, maybe Cyberpunk 2077 and some indie games Torment Tides Of Numenera and a few others.

(03-22-2016, 03:24 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]I can't say there's many games that interest me right now. Far Cry Primal was a big letdown, The Division was okay but pretty repetative. The last game that really got me in was Fallout 4.

I don't know what i'm really waiting for other than Mass Effect 4, maybe Cyberpunk 2077 and some indie games Torment Tides Of Numenera and a few others.

Yes, Far Cry Primal was a big letdown from the videos I watched, I agree that The Division looked very repetitive from the walkthroughs I have seen. The main games I am looking forward to are: Uncharted 4, Mafia 3, Sniper Ghost Warrior 3, Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands. The one which is on my radar the most is Sniper Ghost Warrior 3.

(03-22-2016, 03:49 PM)spiritman Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-22-2016, 03:24 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]I can't say there's many games that interest me right now. Far Cry Primal was a big letdown, The Division was okay but pretty repetative. The last game that really got me in was Fallout 4.

I don't know what i'm really waiting for other than Mass Effect 4, maybe Cyberpunk 2077 and some indie games Torment Tides Of Numenera and a few others.

Yes, Far Cry Primal was a big letdown from the videos I watched, I agree that The Division looked very repetitive from the walkthroughs I have seen. The main games I am looking forward to are: Uncharted 4, Mafia 3, Sniper Ghost Warrior 3, Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Wildlands. The one which is on my radar the most is Sniper Ghost Warrior 3.

I'm thinking about Dark Souls 3. It's supposed to be hard, with really cool/evil looking enemies. Not sure about it though, I'll need to watch the review before committing.

I WAS looking forward to Far Cry Primal as well but yeah, heard it was a let down.

Oh yes definately Mafia 3 and Wildlands.. forgot about those.

*deep breath*... so.

Day 18

I haven't been feeling too special, but today I was feeling disgustingly happy. Really, to the point of obnoxious. Then in the evening I got a call from my mother. There was some talk that I might visit either my parents or my sister, but now I'm visiting my sister. She got all emotional about, cried on the phone and what not. She's been using guilt on me plenty times before, so I sort of expect it. This time, though, I could hear she didn't mean for it and tried to brush it off and kind of explained and it was actually kind of heart breaking, as short as the call was.

So, I was doing something else for a while and then when I was free it started brewing in my mind. I wanted to be angry and shout at her from pulling those guilt trips on me again, but then I was sad because I understood she didn't mean it, where she was coming from and how she'd feel that way. I wanted to do something, but I wasn't going to start changing my plans that I was looking forward to and obeying against my will like a good boy the instant somebody starts crying a bit. I also didn't want to put my foot down and lecture her (again) on her behavior, my limits and whatnot, because then I'd just be letting out steam and she'd feel worse. So I felt stuck.

Started just sitting with emotions and using tapping to "not get stuck in them" like I see it. So not f-eft -style breaking the state by alternating in and out, but just being with them and kind of controlling my distance/attachment to the emotions by varying how much I'm focusing on the emotional content vs. feeling my fingers and body. Might've used some Sedona as well. Same purpose: feel it while not getting stuck in it (being in a pro-release state). Anyway, went through my childhood a lot. Realized there's a strong line of feeling trapped in there. In multiple occasions, I mean. Events, conversations, just in general of having to be somewhere I didn't want to be, making small talk with people I didn't want to talk with, staying quiet while my mum was talking about me to everyone like I wasn't there or couldn't talk for myself, and stuff like that.

Loads later I felt pretty good and it was clear I just wanted to call her in good spirits and just explain that I don't like when anyone feels bad over something I do, but that I'm not going to come this time. I ended up explaining exactly why I don't like being there and all and it went really well, she was happy I called and yeah all ok, normal. Then once I felt clear I just realized that hey I could just visit quickly tomorrow. That'd fit my plans perfectly well and I'd have time to read on the train, get back early and all. Then I thought I could ask a friend (relative) to join me. Called him and offered to pay for gas and that there's going to this huge steak and other food that she's made. He didn't have plans and said of course. Called my mum and she was beyond happy. And I'm looking forward to it, because I get the food and its nice to visit, and I don't have to feel so trapped because I made it short & sweet like I wanted to. So everyone's happy. I felt immensely proud of myself at that point, and then after letting go of that was quite overwhelmed.

Its just funny how when I'm conflicted or feeling bad about something, I can only see bad and worse options. Soon as the fog clears I'll realize there's a perfectly good solution right in front of me.

There's something else going on too. I've now had 3 very good conversations where I've been quite open about my wants and feeling, motivations. The effect of fog clearing was there too. And then today as I was going through the memories and stuff I was actually thinking that hey this something I want to discuss with this and this person (thought of 3) when I see them the day after tomorrow, etc. I'll tell you, not long ago I would definitely not have looked forward to getting into those kinds of conversations by my own choosing.

I think its also interesting how these understandings where both parties feel good about a conflict can be reached by very openly seeking to understand, be understood, and relate. Because I used to just have this attitude that I have to hold on to my rights, my borders, to not get stepped on, be alpha, and all that. All that gets you is separation and a stalemate where you might get what you want, but neither party really feels good about it. There is the conflict, but it seems if this mutual understanding can be reached and I'm at ease, then it might turn out there's another option, or that the already existing options aren't so bad after all.

(03-24-2016, 12:19 PM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]I think its also interesting how these understandings where both parties feel good about a conflict can be reached by very openly seeking to understand, be understood, and relate. Because I used to just have this attitude that I have to hold on to my rights, my borders, to not get stepped on, be alpha, and all that. All that gets you is separation and a stalemate where you might get what you want, but neither party really feels good about it. There is the conflict, but it seems if this mutual understanding can be reached and I'm at ease, then it might turn out there's another option, or that the already existing options aren't so bad after all.

Interesting. I'm realizing/working with this now as well and I agree, being "alpha" about stuff is just a stalemate, and not particularly pleasant.

I had this at the store just now. Was feeling really bottled up around the cashier woman (she wasn't even attractive it was just a weird vibe, not anxiety) and thought I should make small talk but the found myself resisting that strongly and saying to myself "no! She hasn't blah blah blah" it was kind of weird. I started feeling warm and uncomfortable, almost like I owed her something, yet when I left, I had the strong feeling that I left some groceries behind, almost like she stole them.

It was a weird experience, and I'm not sure how to reconcile this.

Have you ever had this? When there's a conflict but you're not sure what it is or how to solve it in a mutually beneficial way?

Awesome post dude!

@Blink: Thanks man!

@Sarge: Seems to me like you were wanting ("thought I should make small talk"), and that wanting blocked you from doing something naturally. Then you might think "well if I dropped the wanting I wouldn't get anything / nothing would happen", and that just underlines that its all about wanting something. I think this is sort of the same thing that I was saying in my post about being in a state of resistance (in my case angry, sad, wanting to make mum feel better, wanting to get mad at her, wanting to resolve it in the optimal way. In your case wanting to make something happen, wanting to have great social skills, to be able to spike attraction anytime, anywhere, and *insert more wants*). One just can't notice the natural options that are right there. If we can get that resistance cleared up to something like acceptance and love in that moment, then we might just casually notice the right thing to do. But if it were me with the kind of cashier you described ("she wasn't even attractive it was just a weird vibe"), and I'm honest, the natural thing to do would probably be to make light funny remark or two and continue with my day, ie. nothing would happen. If I think of this through the "getting girls lens" then this is bad, because you're supposed to be at least honing your skills and pushing everything. But I wouldn't really want anything with that cashier, so why would I need to feel bad about not doing it? And even doing it would kinda make me feel bad at some level, because I'd be faking it, or putting on a persona.

I don't have any answers, but I'm just getting really put off placing myself in those kinds of wanting scenarios. Its all just marketing. RSD is marketing. EDM is marketing. Cool cars and motorcycles are marketing. Success is marketing and sex is marketing. Love is marketing and any imagery we might aspire to is marketing. Especially beautiful women are marketing. I'm thinking there is good fun to be had in all those things, but the imagery/vision, and the desire to have that image and the lack that accompanies it, is marketing. But then how the fuck am I supposed to break out and live outside that marketing when everyone else around me is fully engaged in it. But then what do I want so badly that I'd need those other people to accept my ideas about this? Do I already have it all.. and if I do, then now what? But its cool, I'm actually feeling really good just now.


Day 19

Came back home from meeting my parents. It was good. Just realized that my father said next to nothing - and I didn't bother me at all! I noticed it, but I didn't stress about needing somehow be the one who'd make some sort of connection to not have it be so weird, but.. yeah, just didn't think of it.

Finished "not giving a fuck", trying to get into journaling so I made a list of what do I generally want right now before I can happy. 15 items came up. Its all so normal that I'm almost ashamed of not being more interesting. Job, money, women, vacations, envy towards someone, want to do something meaningful, to be admired, and to figure everything out and really choose the absolute best way to live my life. Of course I'd be really boring after I knew everything, but whatever. Started reading Lester Levenson's autobiography. Seems very EPRHA at first glance. I'm still eating tons of potato chips, seems like I can't help myself.

Oh and I've doing "Omm"s every day for 5 minutes, once or twice a day. Helps with my voice a lot because it relaxes my throat and makes my voice more resonant. I was self-conscious about it at first, but now I don't give a shit whether my neighbors hear me or not. Sounds like this I mean https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZR6yuCIie0

(03-25-2016, 09:43 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]...

I don't have any answers, but I'm just getting really put off placing myself in those kinds of wanting scenarios. Its all just marketing. RSD is marketing. EDM is marketing. Cool cars and motorcycles are marketing. Success is marketing and sex is marketing. Love is marketing and any imagery we might aspire to is marketing. Especially beautiful women are marketing. I'm thinking there is good fun to be had in all those things, but the imagery/vision, and the desire to have that image and the lack that accompanies it, is marketing. But then how the **** am I supposed to break out and live outside that marketing when everyone else around me is fully engaged in it. But then what do I want so badly that I'd need those other people to accept my ideas about this? Do I already have it all.. and if I do, then now what? But its cool, I'm actually feeling really good just now.

...

Believe it or not, I had exact thoughts running through my head a couple of days ago. And I battled against the same questions. Well, I don't have the answers more than you do, but an Emerson quote here sums it up pretty well, I suppose.

"It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who, in the midst of the crowd, keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

On that note, check out his essay, Self-Reliance, HERE. It is my one of my favorite pieces of writing of all time.

(03-25-2016, 09:43 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]@Sarge: Seems to me like you were wanting ("thought I should make small talk"), and that wanting blocked you from doing something naturally. Then you might think "well if I dropped the wanting I wouldn't get anything / nothing would happen", and that just underlines that its all about wanting something. I think this is sort of the same thing that I was saying in my post about being in a state of resistance (in my case angry, sad, wanting to make mum feel better, wanting to get mad at her, wanting to resolve it in the optimal way. In your case wanting to make something happen, wanting to have great social skills, to be able to spike attraction anytime, anywhere, and *insert more wants*). One just can't notice the natural options that are right there. If we can get that resistance cleared up to something like acceptance and love in that moment, then we might just casually notice the right thing to do. But if it were me with the kind of cashier you described ("she wasn't even attractive it was just a weird vibe"), and I'm honest, the natural thing to do would probably be to make light funny remark or two and continue with my day, ie. nothing would happen. If I think of this through the "getting girls lens" then this is bad, because you're supposed to be at least honing your skills and pushing everything. But I wouldn't really want anything with that cashier, so why would I need to feel bad about not doing it? And even doing it would kinda make me feel bad at some level, because I'd be faking it, or putting on a persona.

Hmm, that doesn't really connect with me. It felt more like she wanted something from me and I felt that same "needy pull" you feel when a begger tries to get money from you on the street.

Let's not forget that other people can be needy too, not just us.

If there's anything I wanted, it was to have that experience go smoother, maybe transmute the energy to one of mutual enjoyment.

I had this same experience with women before where I feel them get super clingy to me and that freaks me out.

(03-25-2016, 09:43 AM)LionKing Wrote: [ -> ]I don't have any answers, but I'm just getting really put off placing myself in those kinds of wanting scenarios. Its all just marketing. RSD is marketing. EDM is marketing. Cool cars and motorcycles are marketing. Success is marketing and sex is marketing. Love is marketing and any imagery we might aspire to is marketing. Especially beautiful women are marketing. I'm thinking there is good fun to be had in all those things, but the imagery/vision, and the desire to have that image and the lack that accompanies it, is marketing. But then how the **** am I supposed to break out and live outside that marketing when everyone else around me is fully engaged in it. But then what do I want so badly that I'd need those other people to accept my ideas about this? Do I already have it all.. and if I do, then now what? But its cool, I'm actually feeling really good just now.

Wish I could help you man, but part of me thinks if we didn't have these wantings we'd all just be meditating on mountain tops all day. I certainly could have back when I was into "The Power of Now" and let me tell you, it's great but, when you get to that point, life seems completely useless. Might as well just return to the source at that point, you know?

So my philosophy is: since we're here, and we ARE the embodiment of form, why not enjoy the world of forms? Sure you can know what you really are (i.e. Remain enlightened) but enjoying the world of forms becomes a video game.

Least, that's how it is to me.

So rather than trying to "get" something, I'm in fact trying to figure out the controls so to speak.

I don't expect you to understand, but if you REALLY want to be "free" from the world of form, practice the power of now every second of every day until you do not care if you die or not. Once you're there, you'll see what I mean.

@Sarge - How about when you feel the other person becoming clingy adopt the mindset of "mission: get them to invest in me more than me in them accomplished" instead?