Subliminal Talk

The auditions went... pretty well. I'm satisfied. Actually, I'm going to be disappointed if I don't get the part, it went so well as far as I can tell. Maybe one little small hiccough, but that's due to the fact we did not get to rehearse with the pianist at hand. So now I guess I'm gonna keep using that manifestation thingy to manifest a positive outcome until I get news. Then it's back to working on *the ladies* (and my erections. When I, ekhm, play with meself, everything works beginning to end but I'd like my boners to be Titanic, like they were beginning to get the first two weeks on OED. Still, I think I've got 3-4 months left of EHPRA and then I'll give OED another shot. I'm also using, obviously, stuffies and thingies to help with that issue).

I'm glad to have some time off, though. Still, I get translation jobs and such, but tiny jobs. So some breathing room is going to be appreaciated. A couple of days off singing to rest up and then I'm going to work on repertoire to record and put in the Intrawebz for promotional purposes. I have 5 numbers in mind. Hopefully my original singing teacher is going to find the time for a little Meiesterkurs, I really could have used his help for these auditions (he's technically retired, though, so no sweat).

Hoping a 5.11G DMSI 5.0 gets made, I'd love that. I'm sitting out X4A-2000. Only have the budget for one Premium and DMSI it shall be!

Feeling wonky in a not-so-pleasant way these past couple of days. I did get some rest from work, though, so that's good. Something is being worked on, I think, and this something is kinda unpleasant, and was brought on by the following:

Now, funny story, I talked to a bro of mine and he told me that degenerate ex of mine approached him and offered to re-start their relationship (they were together for about a year or so when they were 20. Now we're all 36). He, being the simp he is, was actually really tempted to do so, but she did start giving him orders on what he should do with a friendly-love relationship he has going on with this lesbian chick (and I do mean lesbian - in an an exclusive relationship with another woman) and that set off alarms and he declined. I knew she was keeping the guy as an orbiter for a purpose, but having hit what incels call "the wall" she's beginning to get desperate for a provider long-term relationship now. New low for that woman, I hope she ends up all alone, sucking less and less attractive tinder-dong. A fitting end.

Also reinforces the fact that I had the right idea to go no-contact with that chick (or at least as little contact as possible if I intend to keep my buddies, like the aforementioned bro - he helped me out when I was on the brink of psychosis in Jan, or was it Feb, so he's essentially a good guy, but, as mentioned, in my opinion a prototypical simp, especially for damage cases). She's acting like a Vakninian Narcissist.

Other than that, still waiting on news after my auditions this Wednsday.

I have elected that some part of me is resisting change and thus refusing to heal and so I've decided to turn up the heat a notch by increasing the number of loops. Will try 4. I have free time, not much to do, so worst case scenario if it's too much I'll sleep it off.

I had to find a practice space for my singing because I've been receiving anonymous letters telling me "a place in a block of flats is not an opera! Also, something is buzzing in your place (they probably mean me playing subs, lol)". Must be some overly sensitive old neighbors that live beneath me. I mean, really, I'm playing subs from my phone, they're not that loud, and I only practice during early working hours (10 AM - 1 PM) so as not to disturb people's lesuire time. Like, seriously. What a nuisance. Especially since they're cowards and they've been sending anonymous letters, lol. Commieheads.

So also I'll be trying the subs on earbuds. I know this screws up volume calibration but I really don't want these bozos with oversensitive hearing aids calling the cops on me for bullshit reasons. Listening to subs is now officialy a public disturbance! Lawl.

Interesting dreams I've been having, though, after the increase in loops.

Some part of my subC seems to be in a vicious circle - it doesn't want to heal because it's afraid of changes I would immediately make which are being prevented/sabotaged/delayed which would not be a problem, and wouldn't be scary/unpleasant/triggering of PTSD symptoms were I healed. Like, f. in., women, sex and a proepr singing career, among other things.

Working the sub for 4 loops on earbuds (I would use high quality headphones but they decided to die on me, lol, and I spent money on other things so I won't be getting another pair until whenever, so cheap earbuds it is) is turning out rather well. I do hear the "bees buzzing" way more distinctly, though. I use the volume of 11/15 and it isn't too loud. Feels like it's working, no overwhelm, I may be a touch more sleepy but that's it. Dreams would indicate it's working, my wonky sensations are a little bit different now as well. I'm using the hybrid track, of course.

I'm considering whethre to go for OED again right after EHPRA or to try OGSF v. new (I used OGSF ver. previous according to instructions and honestly did not get too much out of it. Granted I was on utterly shite medication back then) for some more trauma removal. Maybe I'll try the latter.

And hopefully by then, once I'm done running EHPRA, OGSF and OED, we'll get DMSI v. new in 6G or something.

Why not just listen when you’re not at home? It’s only 15 minutes so shouldn’t be too hard. That way you don’t have to use headphones.

Now where would I listen to it then? In the park?

Earbuds are kinda nice because I can actually leave my home to go shopping or stuff while listening to the sub.

Also, I don't do 15 minutes ultrasonic, I am currently at 4 hours of hybrid.

(07-03-2024, 12:27 PM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]I don't do 15 minutes ultrasonic, I am currently at 4 hours of hybrid.

Damn that’s crazy my man. Show some self preservation lol.

(07-03-2024, 05:15 PM)Frosted Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-03-2024, 12:27 PM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]I don't do 15 minutes ultrasonic, I am currently at 4 hours of hybrid.

Damn that’s crazy my man. Show some self preservation lol.

Nah, no worries. The only side effect, if any, is I am a little bit more sleepy and I sleep a touch longer. I don't mind.

4 loops on earbuds appear to be making me slightly hyper-focused on healing (f. in. libido's down, I am thinking about healing related stuff all the time, etc.). Might as well, not much else to do right now apart from the occasional translation job and singing practice (which is on hold anyway until I get access to my new practice space which is in two weeks' time).

Had a good, productive analysis session today due to all that, though. It's highly recommended to pair this with therapy of some sort (even if you're healthy - most theraputic modalities actually don't work for people who actually need intervetion, lol, and not just according to me, but f. in. that Vaknin fellow too), I personally recommend psychoanalysis to go along with EHPRAing (but you may have to shop around a bit first to find a competent one). CBT, IMO, is utter shite.

I find myself having to supplement the grounding shield with something way more radical (think like DRS on steroids) + two more shields because, as has been noted by other users, when you're grounding stuff people tend to treat you like a spittoon for their negativity (is probably why my neighbors are whining about me). So radical shielding it is!

My 2000-th post! Hooray!

To reitarate, 4 loops on earbuds appear to be working rather well TBH. I gess less wonky sensations which would be indicative of resistance of some sort, and more wonky sensations which would be indicative of healing of some sort (feeling lighter, "darkness" dissipating and suchlike, especially in my right leg for some reason). I also get even more dreams, but they're deeper dreams (I don't remember them as vividly) and they appear to be dealing with something new, not circling around the same issues over and over again.

I will probably invest in a better pair of headphones/earbuds down the line, but that will probably have to wait until my birthday at least. And even then it's not certain. I've got expenses, man!

Four loops on earbuds are working very well. I'm getting pretty hardkore healing dreams but I wake up well-rested anyway. Some wonky sensations indicative of deep-seated emotional pain (manifesting as physical pain in areas of wonky sensations). Honestly, the only thing I'm annoyed about is that it's taking so long, blah. Elements of a mindset change related to being more healthy/less damaged as well.

Still, I chillaxed for about a week (apart from the odd translaton job), set my stuffies and thingies in order (I have some very promising new ones as well), established a regimen. Now I'm bored or something. I really could use some action, or something more productive and interesting to do (like, f. in., getting that part so I have something to work and look forward towards).

I think I'll run OGSF next for trauma removal (I don't really care about negative affectivity). Then it'll be OED again. And then, hopefully, DMSI in 6G! (Because that's going to take a year or so, lol).

Had a productive session with my lovely therapist. I had some choice words to say about some of my "friends", too.

Had a dream last night which would indicate my subC is dealing with something related to times when I was in primary school/junior high. So we're digging deeper now.

Today I did nearly 5 loops of EHPRA because foobar decided to crap out on me like, 3/4ths of the way through my initial loop, so I decided "screw it" and started my loops from the beginning (the loop was also interrupted earlier on by a phone call, oy. It's why I'd rather play subs from my computer, less chance of such things happening). Not feeling any sort of overwhelm or anything. Thinking about stuff. Thinking about disawoval, as the man said. <thinky face>