Subliminal Talk

About to finish off my second loop. It feels like the "disconnect from negativity" thingy finally kicked in properly, I can feel it happening physically.

I had a bit of trouble falling asleep after two loops but I slept later. I was a little bit frustrated during my singing practice today (it's not AMAZING ENOUGH for my tastes!). My dreams would indicate that my subC is hard at work healing stuff related to singing/my career, among other things. The wonky "dark" sensation that then would go all wonky-ticklish within my body has pretty much disappeared (I could feel it happening gradually while I was listening to the loops). I am experiencing anger at various people - it's as if certain individuals are really hoping I'm going to shut up and stop expressing my displeasure/righteous anger, even internally (and especially externally) and that I will cease *doing productive stuff* (as well as stuffies and thingies) altogether. Now I'm torn between practicing some more and calling it a day and doing translation work instead because I've got quite a bit of it.

Actually managed to write some lyrics and a melody for one of the songs for tomorrow, one more to go! Maybe I'll make it in time. I won't have the time to practice them in properly, but oh well, hopefully they guys'll understand they did not give me much time to work with. But I'm pleased with the fact I completed something pretty fast.

Wrote lyrics and basics of melody for the second song, recorded the first one on my phone and the band guys liked it. I'm a happy camper, especially since I was worried about my singing today.

I also managed to get back on my dieting regimen and hopefully I'll be losing kgs in no time. I've stabilizied at around 105 kg, but that's a little much, I'd like to weight about 90 because that's a weight at which I look good with little belly flab and feel strong. Lower than that would dig into my muscle mass probably.

Had vivid, singing related dreams last night. I'm feeling a little bit frustrated with my practicing because it's not as awesome as I want it to be. But serviceable. Anyway, could use a break of a couple of days.

I was a little worried that increased loops would hyperfocus me on healing while I've got quite a bit of things going on, but it does not seem to be like that. The what I persume was outside negativity is still "out", so to speak, and while I'm listening to my loops I get wonky sensations in that general area, but without the "darkness" that was within.

Band auditions went well, they asked me to join, so I did. Now I just gotta make sure to stay in tip top shape for auditions on Monday after all the growling, haha. It should be fine though after I get some sleep. Now it's back to work on translation, blargh.

X4A-2000 sounds intriguing but I think I'll wait for DMSI next gen when it comes to premium programs. Unless people start using it and report a love bonanza, then maybe I'll bite. But the premium stuff is costs a pretty penny.

Pah, they cancelled my Monday auditions (yet again!). I think I'll contact my singing teacher in the interim to work on the repertoire for them. But it's disappointing, even though my voice is a little bit wonky after yesterday's growling and screaming, lol. Bah!

Feeling a little bit tired, had to ask for an extension, just in case, on this translation job I have to finish today because I also have my analysis sessions and other things to do (like singing). I'm really fed up with translation work TBH, I'd rather sing full-time!

After consideration, I will be resigning from the metal band, the growling and yelling messed up my belcanto a little bit, it'll probably take a couple of days to get back in shape now. So this experiment did not pan out, oh well! Gonna hate breaking it to the guys, they seem very enthusiastic and alright sort of people. But since I've got employment prospects I'd rather not mess 'em up.

I did call my 'ol singing teacher and set up a little get together to practice the repertoire since they cancelled the auditions again, to make the most of the additional time.

I missed my loops of EPHRA yesternight because I was so tired after the entire day that I forgot to put 'em on when falling asleep, whoopsie! Let's call it a bloom break, not gonna do the same tonight.

Had a dream indicating that some serious stuff is healing. Good!

Going to have to take a couple of days of break with singing practice because I've strained my voice and now it feels as if I had a throat infection or something. Lesson learned, unfortunately growling and screaming doesn't mix with belcanto, haha. We'll see when I have those full-time job auditions, hopefully I'll recover by that time. It's a little bit frustrating, but it's my own fault, really (I miss metalz so much!). Maybe I'll look for a project where no growling is necessary.

Finished a translation job, will now take a day or two off and then it's back to the grind, oy.

Pah, Foobar crapped out on me and I only got one and a half of loops in last night, because I fell asleep. Darn it! I want two loops, they're working well!

Didn't have any dreams I can remember last night, but that doesn't mean things aren't happening under the hood. Gonna chill a little bit today before going back to the grind on the morrow. My voice feels a little bit better but still not back up to snuff. I tried to quit the band but the guys were like "no, don't!" and they prohibited me from doing growls but want to keep me in. We'll see how I feel after a non-growling rehearsal.

So I'll be listening to my loops while awake tonight. Went to a little party today, felt pretty good, felt like picking up chicks. Still got a hits only from that lovely ex of mine and a buddy of hers, lol. I want moar than that! Gonna quite that band I just joined (too bad for the guys!) and look for something more up my alley voice-wise. They'll be disappointed but that's life.

A little bit more wonky feelings today, some anger coming up to the surface, some interesting thoughts regardings sex and sexuality, will discuss it with my analyst when I get the chance and don't forget to, heh.

Anyway, this journal really is very "non-binding" by which I mean the results I get may not be the results other people will get because I'm totally not following instructions and am running hardcore by using the hybrid format. I honestly don't see the struggle, resistance or overwhelm, but that's me. I'm awesome like that, I guess.

Also a lot professional/singing stuff has been cleared out/is clearing out. It's like I'm healing from all the mobbing, abuse, incompetence and general degeneracy that made me almost quit the whole singing thing entirely. Now I'm practicing regularly (at home - usually, I'd rent a practice room, but I was like, yeah, screw that) and feeling pretty good about my voice and would love to perform some. And all that even though I'm not totally up to snuff after the growling which makes me sound a bit like an old, tired basso who had bad technique, haha (but that's temporary, feeling better day by day, I just need to warm up properly).

Good talk with my analyst today. Now we're gonna have a break of over two weeks! I'm totally gonna miss her. I kinda have to restrain myself from flirting with her overmuch, lol.

Feeling a little bit wonkier than before, a little bit tired maybe (could use a break from translation - like, a total one, but nooo, I've got this pretty big job I've gotta deliver on Thursday and they keep sending me these smaller jobs all the time *sigh*). Quit that band, the guys seem to have been expecting it so it went well - they were glad I came out with it instead of waffling interminably. Still recovering my vocal powers after that metal bonanza, lol.

I made some alterations to my stuffies and thingies and hoping this is gonna give better results. Feels promising.

I've gone back to one loop of EHPRA, though. But no worries, i've got more craziness planned! Stay tuned (or not, I won't be going into detail here in order not to give people ideas, ha ha).