Subliminal Talk

I'm feeling a little bit better though I still have moments of kinda like, bleh-whatever mixed with sadness. Kinda not feeling up to testing some of the stuffies and thingies I got my hands on recently (they're for feminine attention of the sexual kind ), maybe because I'm focused more on healing, I guess. I'd love to have that done with to get on with other things.

Still, I recorded a little ditty, had to show this actress-chick who's offered me a potential job - again, playing touring shows for kids - that I can do "romantic" (because in default mode my singing voice gives more of a "thunderous, scary" vibe), we'll see whether she likes it. It'd be fun. Although I'm still rooting for myself to get a stable, full-time job with all the perks and I have an audition in June for one (chorus work, but close to home and at a prestigious institution so the pay should be decent), but failing that I can do some more touring (I like the boss lady because she's a) quite hot judging from her profile pic, b) offering better pay than my previous touring gig - the amount they paid me was, in her own words, "shameful"! I like her already ).

EDIT

Oh, I had a dream that was singing-related last time I slept. It was interesting!

Had a very interesting explicit sexual dream in which I was having relations with this little slut that wasted a lot of my time and energy on "shit testing" for a relationship while sucking schwanz left and right (and of some pretty smarmy customers to boot, lol) who then went on to try to sabotage my other female pursuits after I decided it was no-go. Interesting that it was her.

I'm frustrated because my singing pursuits are going... not at all. Grrr. I keep applying for opportunities but it's a minor miracle when they even decide to give me a listen for reasons I know not; it really shouldn't be this hard, I'm even applying for chorus work, fer chrissakes. Blargh. Anyway, waiting for response from that hot lady boss, maybe she will be my deliverance!

So the auditions for the opera chorus are ON. Now it's time to get serious with preparations! Fortunately I do have over two weeks for that purpose, gonna call up my original singing teacher to hit him up for a little instruction.

Had a very productive session with my beautiful therapist today, very good. I feel better. My desires for the feminine are making a bit of a comeback, although I can't wait to be finished with EHPRAing to get back on OED which, together with my one mother of a shielding regimen should now bear fruit for hopefully more than like, two weeks.

Pah, my singing teacher is unavailable in the time alloted for preparations, so that's unfortunate. He did give me a contact to pianist so that I can prepare a bit better, so that's nice.

Anyway, feeling pretty good. Been eating a bit more than usual but I always end up overeating when my crazy parents visit (they bring lots of food). I'll make it up by turning up the diet a notch after.

Feeling pretty good, listened to my loop of EHPRA. Had some very fascinating thoughts/made some connections yesterday after my analysis session while playing yesterday's loop, too.

I finally have some chill time from translations which is nice as well, I can rest a bit and focus on voice practice.

I'm kinda frustrated at times with my singing practice because I want it to be awesome, and it's like, meh. I'm sorta struggling through bad instructions and habits I developed because of them which make my sound kinda lacklustre. Annoying! But hopefully it'll be enough to get a stable chorus job which would be very welcome so that I can stop wasting my life on translations.

My mood appears to depend a lot on whether I'm happy with my vocal practice or not on the day. I did have a (kinda sorta milf-y) neighbor come up to me and complement my voice today, so there's that. Always good for an ego boost.

I made some changes to my stuffies and thingies, now they're new and improved. I did invest some money into them, though, so I'll be replenishing my coffers for some time now. Preparation for the chorus job auditions do take up a lot of my mind-space, though.

I still get dreams which may be healing related, but I remember them less and they're less narrative-driven now.

I've been making some female friends today over on an esoteric forum I joined some time ago. That's always nice, they're nice ladies.

Things are progressing, stuffies and thingies are doing their stuff and thing, I'm feeling optimistic today.

I am starting to, shyly and a little haphazardly, but still - do some things I was always tempted to do but was blocked by quite possibly feelings of internalized shame.

Had another very complex healing-related dream tonight.

So, for instance, I set up a dating profile in an app and made a profile on a dating/sexing website and, for day one, it's going pretty well. I'm still a little hesitant, but it's like I'm healing through all the humiliation and hate I got hit with whenever I'd try to do the nasty or the lovey with a woman - and lemme tell you, I've seen some shit in this regard. Such be the times we live in, oy.

Feeling pretty good, singing practice is going well. Some more alterations to my stuffies and thingies, but these should pay dividends over time. Weigh-loss is going well although I did have another "cheat week" because my parents visited.

I also signed up for a little dance/yoga retreat to chill after my auditions and to meet lovely yoga and dance ladies. I went to a retreat like that some years ago and it was great, I'm still in touch with some of the women I met there and one is maybe even interested in a little something (though she is on the slutty side, so I won't be going for anything serious because that's the way I roll).

Funny. I had wonky sensations I've come to associate with using this program now in my right leg, over the knee, going "put-put-put". Hopefully this implies some sort of progress/change is being made.

I do feel a little bit down today but that's okay, not every day has to be splendid.

Definitely something funky going on with my right leg, listening to my loop for the day and I'm getting this heavy, "pain-but-not-really" feeling mostly in my right knee. I'm going to take it as a good sign of healing progressing beyond what's been worked on until now.

Had some more healing-related dreams yesternight, but I don't really remember them for a change. Feeling pretty good today, that wonky "pain-but-not-quite" sensation comes and goes. Currently it's gone.

Procured a stuffy and thingy which I'm going to receive within the next 10 days of which I'm very hopeful it's going to bring about nice results (it's for *the ladies*). Looks very good on paper, we'll see in practice.

Tonight I'm getting funky sensations in my right eye mostly. Very wonky.

Otherwise feeling good, libido is increasing gradually, so are sexual functions (even though I've only tested them by myself, bah). I like progress.

I'm getting some hits on that dating app, to my amazement (I don't have too many nice pics and I never could get 'em dating apps to work for me too well), from very fancy women. Neat-o! We'll see whether anything comes of it IRL.

The wonky sensations have lessened, but I'm still getting healing-related dreams a mile a minute whenever I sleep. I feel good when sleeping but after I wake up I feel a little down. Anyway, continuing.