12-26-2016, 04:43 PM
12-28-2016, 06:41 AM
Yesterday was a day of pure negativity. I complained about everything, had no patience, and had nothing positive to say about anything. My wife found that to be extremely aggravating. She asked me about five times, "What is wrong with you today?" I avoided the answering the question each time, and the last time said, "It's not about you, has nothing to do with you, and I don't want to talk about it."
I've avoided the gym the last two days. I haven't wanted to be around anyone.
I woke up dog-tired this morning. It feels like week 3 of V1, it's that bad. I'm drained - emotionally spent.
I was hungry early yesterday morning, and I'm hungry now. I usually don't eat until 2 PM or so, as I follow an intermittent fasting protocol. Not sure I'll make it today.
I have a client that I don't want to train coming soon, and then I'm going to go to the gym and see if I can't turn this attitude around a bit.
My libido is up, while my interest in women is decimated. I feel like I need sex as a release, but don't want to have sex with anyone.
Perhaps I'm on the edge of overcoming something I'll find very liberating. We'll see soon, hopefully.
I've avoided the gym the last two days. I haven't wanted to be around anyone.
I woke up dog-tired this morning. It feels like week 3 of V1, it's that bad. I'm drained - emotionally spent.
I was hungry early yesterday morning, and I'm hungry now. I usually don't eat until 2 PM or so, as I follow an intermittent fasting protocol. Not sure I'll make it today.
I have a client that I don't want to train coming soon, and then I'm going to go to the gym and see if I can't turn this attitude around a bit.
My libido is up, while my interest in women is decimated. I feel like I need sex as a release, but don't want to have sex with anyone.
Perhaps I'm on the edge of overcoming something I'll find very liberating. We'll see soon, hopefully.
12-30-2016, 09:17 AM
My dreams are dominated by male family members or my old best friend. I haven't spoken to my old best friend in what seems like forever. I had a dream one night, then a dream about him during a nap, and then suddenly he mentions me on Facebook. I wonder what's clearing with all these male-dominated dreams.
I think my old best friend's a loser. He's always slept with a lot of women, but women I see as bottom-feed. He's had no moral compunction his entire life. He doesn't think much of himself, but he always just does what he wants and doesn't give a shit about what other people think.
I also dream of my sister's husband a lot. He and I are friends, and I really like him. But, he has put up with a lot of BS from her for years. I see him as a supplicating pussy in a lot of ways. That said, I always told my sister she'd never find anyone better for her than him. He's very successful career-wise. His level of patience and levelheadedness astounds me. I don't think I've ever seen him get angry. On the other hand, I've seen him withdraw into a quiet shell when my sister rails on him.
I also dream of my brother sometimes, who is a driven levelheaded guy. He's always been a conventional rule-follower, and he's uber-religious. We won't consider him or his wife as guardians for our kids because they're on the fanatical side, helicopter parents, and too lax with behavior boundaries.
Anyway, I'm not sure what any of this has to do with DMSI. I'm considering switching to B just to give my mind a break from healing, and possibly dig up some crap to the surface that I can hit with A again the next week.
Not sure what I'm going to do.
I see my wife's sister tonight, since she worked over Christmas. I haven't seen her for about 3 weeks. We'll see if anything's changed.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I woke up at 2:30 AM this morning, and couldn't sleep for almost 2 hours. That sucked. Not sure what was going on.
I think my old best friend's a loser. He's always slept with a lot of women, but women I see as bottom-feed. He's had no moral compunction his entire life. He doesn't think much of himself, but he always just does what he wants and doesn't give a shit about what other people think.
I also dream of my sister's husband a lot. He and I are friends, and I really like him. But, he has put up with a lot of BS from her for years. I see him as a supplicating pussy in a lot of ways. That said, I always told my sister she'd never find anyone better for her than him. He's very successful career-wise. His level of patience and levelheadedness astounds me. I don't think I've ever seen him get angry. On the other hand, I've seen him withdraw into a quiet shell when my sister rails on him.
I also dream of my brother sometimes, who is a driven levelheaded guy. He's always been a conventional rule-follower, and he's uber-religious. We won't consider him or his wife as guardians for our kids because they're on the fanatical side, helicopter parents, and too lax with behavior boundaries.
Anyway, I'm not sure what any of this has to do with DMSI. I'm considering switching to B just to give my mind a break from healing, and possibly dig up some crap to the surface that I can hit with A again the next week.
Not sure what I'm going to do.
I see my wife's sister tonight, since she worked over Christmas. I haven't seen her for about 3 weeks. We'll see if anything's changed.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I woke up at 2:30 AM this morning, and couldn't sleep for almost 2 hours. That sucked. Not sure what was going on.
12-30-2016, 09:24 AM
Hmm, I've noticed a progressive change in my general approach towards fellow males on DMSI, so the dreams might be related to that. In general, I now find myself treating other males with *serious* disdain, except for the few I actually respect - and even then, it's a pretty distant sense of respect. It's not like I feel the need to get chummy or anything. I have one friend, a father and a brother, and that's all I need. And even those three guys are a handful sometimes. 
Basically, it seems like I've been stripping away all need for the approval of fellow males and the need to mimic/follow their behavioral cues.
A side effect of that is that I get kinda annoyed whenever some other male gets within kicking distance and stays there for too long; I feel the urge to remove them forcefully from my personal space. Makes taking the subway something of an ordeal sometimes.
EDIT
Damn I'm heavy on the happy face lately. Probably a sign of something.
Basically, it seems like I've been stripping away all need for the approval of fellow males and the need to mimic/follow their behavioral cues.A side effect of that is that I get kinda annoyed whenever some other male gets within kicking distance and stays there for too long; I feel the urge to remove them forcefully from my personal space.
Makes taking the subway something of an ordeal sometimes. EDIT
Damn I'm heavy on the happy face lately.
Probably a sign of something.12-30-2016, 09:08 PM
Just got back from my last Xmas gathering/gift opening (thank the lawd it's all over!).
I'll be brief, and only mention the juicy stuff (as juicy as it gets, anyway).
Went to sis-in-law's house before my MIL/FIL and wife. Body language, everything really, was flirty on her end. No kino. What I did find out, however, is that she wasn't wearing any panties. She had on hip huggers, and found many many ways to bend over in front of me so that her asscrack slid out and peeked at me for 20-30 seconds at a time. This is significant, as when my MIL/FIL/wife showed, she made sure that those pants stayed up - not a crack to be seen the rest of the evening.
She was always the first to laugh or giggle with any wise crack or joke I happened to say. Even when no one else seemed to be listening, she was.
By the end of the evening, my BIL was hanging all over her marking his territory.
Funny part last - my SIL got a piece of art from MIL. She immediately picked a place for it and said to my BIL that she wanted it hung up -- NOW. I rolled my eyes and chuckled. My wife says, "See, why can't you be like that honey, put stuff up for me like 'N'(BIL) right away?" I say, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Well, if that's what you want, you can go find yourself one of them. Otherwise, it gets done when it gets done." Arms out, lounged back, big smile from me. Room got a little quiet. Sorry (not sorry), I'll help out here and there, but I'm no Johnny-On-The-Spot - not gonna happen. I'll do it on my time, on my terms. If ladies find Johnny-On-The-Spot "yes dear, right away dear" sexually attractive, makin' their nether-region all juicy, I'll cut off my left testicle and eat it.
Seeing a lot of journals turning into B journals. I can't help but think that the experiences I'm finding disappointing ("lack of external results") are part of the clearing. As disappointments that "this or that didn't happen" come up, questions like, "Why do you need that to happen so bad? Seems needy," are simultaneously popping into my head. I don't need the things I think I want so badly to see to happen - I need clearing and healing. So let's get rid of it - all gone, alrighty, buh-bye then.
I'll be brief, and only mention the juicy stuff (as juicy as it gets, anyway).
Went to sis-in-law's house before my MIL/FIL and wife. Body language, everything really, was flirty on her end. No kino. What I did find out, however, is that she wasn't wearing any panties. She had on hip huggers, and found many many ways to bend over in front of me so that her asscrack slid out and peeked at me for 20-30 seconds at a time. This is significant, as when my MIL/FIL/wife showed, she made sure that those pants stayed up - not a crack to be seen the rest of the evening.
She was always the first to laugh or giggle with any wise crack or joke I happened to say. Even when no one else seemed to be listening, she was.
By the end of the evening, my BIL was hanging all over her marking his territory.
Funny part last - my SIL got a piece of art from MIL. She immediately picked a place for it and said to my BIL that she wanted it hung up -- NOW. I rolled my eyes and chuckled. My wife says, "See, why can't you be like that honey, put stuff up for me like 'N'(BIL) right away?" I say, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Well, if that's what you want, you can go find yourself one of them. Otherwise, it gets done when it gets done." Arms out, lounged back, big smile from me. Room got a little quiet. Sorry (not sorry), I'll help out here and there, but I'm no Johnny-On-The-Spot - not gonna happen. I'll do it on my time, on my terms. If ladies find Johnny-On-The-Spot "yes dear, right away dear" sexually attractive, makin' their nether-region all juicy, I'll cut off my left testicle and eat it.
Seeing a lot of journals turning into B journals. I can't help but think that the experiences I'm finding disappointing ("lack of external results") are part of the clearing. As disappointments that "this or that didn't happen" come up, questions like, "Why do you need that to happen so bad? Seems needy," are simultaneously popping into my head. I don't need the things I think I want so badly to see to happen - I need clearing and healing. So let's get rid of it - all gone, alrighty, buh-bye then.
12-31-2016, 03:38 AM
Quote:If ladies find Johnny-On-The-Spot "yes dear, right away dear" sexually attractive, makin' their nether-region all juicy, I'll cut off my left testicle and eat it.
This really cracked me up.
01-01-2017, 07:17 PM
For two nights I've used the masked trickling stream track, 14/15 clicks and sleep phones (cozy brand). The reason for that being that 3 nights ago, the ultrasonic was straight jagged and screaming in my right earphone, which led me to believe I may need new earphones. I dunno, I hesitate to try again without ordering new ones, but the TS track is fine. Not ordering new ones, and not trying again, may be simple resistance, but I don't want to order shit sleeping ear phones again (if that's the issue) and I don't think different brands will be any better. I dunno.
That being said, last night I had the most emotionally depressing/saddest dreams I've had in recollection. My thoughts were, "I've never had this much go wrong for me in a row, for this long." The only dream I remember was one in which my wife was in the hospital, my baby daughter was dead - and had been reabsorbed by my wife's body when we had our next ultrasound. I don't know what that means. I know it's not real, and when I woke up, I wasn't bent outta shape, but I was damn tired. I didn't want to go anywhere all day, I didn't go anywhere (been watching Netflix all day), and tonight I had a few drinks to "take the edge off." We all know that means, "I had a few drinks b/c I couldn't deal with the fear I'm experiencing and don't want to handle."
Anyway, honesty first.
Last night, my wife's family was over again. Went to dinner. Anytime I engaged my SIL, I could sense the change in my gaze. I felt grounded. She was hooked in. She's an ER nurse, and by the end of the night, she was talking about ER cases that involved...vaginas. Why that subject matter? The other topic of the evening, entertained by her and her mother, was affairs. Just weird.
I had to tell my wife off in front of them all again. She kept telling me to do this and that, and I said, "You keep speaking to me as if I'm your servant, and we all know that I'm not that." No response. Silence gives consent, lol.
'Bout it. Going to listen to 3 loops of TS masked Version A again tonight. My wife is at work, though, so I could listen to the hybrid through speaker. I may do that instead...
That being said, last night I had the most emotionally depressing/saddest dreams I've had in recollection. My thoughts were, "I've never had this much go wrong for me in a row, for this long." The only dream I remember was one in which my wife was in the hospital, my baby daughter was dead - and had been reabsorbed by my wife's body when we had our next ultrasound. I don't know what that means. I know it's not real, and when I woke up, I wasn't bent outta shape, but I was damn tired. I didn't want to go anywhere all day, I didn't go anywhere (been watching Netflix all day), and tonight I had a few drinks to "take the edge off." We all know that means, "I had a few drinks b/c I couldn't deal with the fear I'm experiencing and don't want to handle."
Anyway, honesty first.
Last night, my wife's family was over again. Went to dinner. Anytime I engaged my SIL, I could sense the change in my gaze. I felt grounded. She was hooked in. She's an ER nurse, and by the end of the night, she was talking about ER cases that involved...vaginas. Why that subject matter? The other topic of the evening, entertained by her and her mother, was affairs. Just weird.
I had to tell my wife off in front of them all again. She kept telling me to do this and that, and I said, "You keep speaking to me as if I'm your servant, and we all know that I'm not that." No response. Silence gives consent, lol.
'Bout it. Going to listen to 3 loops of TS masked Version A again tonight. My wife is at work, though, so I could listen to the hybrid through speaker. I may do that instead...
01-01-2017, 08:37 PM
It seems like your wife may be trying to assert dominance to claim ownership and "reign you in" as everyone becomes more and more attracted and you increase in value.
01-02-2017, 07:13 PM
I'm doing it. Switching to Version B tonight.
Could be resistance, could be my subconscious really really wants me to run B to help achieve the goal. I don't know. I do know that my thoughts have been on thinking about Version B constantly the last few days, and my mind is coming up with reason-after-reason to run it. So instead of continuing to resist the pull to switch consciously, I'm going to go with the flow.
We'll see how it goes for a week. I hope I can get some energy back. Every day for the last week, at least, I've been a walking zombie. Little energy for the gym, emotional lows at home, little desire to leave the house, high irritability with little patience, and depressing dreams.
My wife's home tonight, so I'll start off with 2 loops of masked FLAC. It's the weakest, I know, but with headphones I don't trust to run ultrasonic frequencies, earbuds I'd rip out of my ears as I sleep b/c they hurt, and not being able to listen on speaker, I don't have much of a choice.
Here's goes nothin'.
Could be resistance, could be my subconscious really really wants me to run B to help achieve the goal. I don't know. I do know that my thoughts have been on thinking about Version B constantly the last few days, and my mind is coming up with reason-after-reason to run it. So instead of continuing to resist the pull to switch consciously, I'm going to go with the flow.
We'll see how it goes for a week. I hope I can get some energy back. Every day for the last week, at least, I've been a walking zombie. Little energy for the gym, emotional lows at home, little desire to leave the house, high irritability with little patience, and depressing dreams.
My wife's home tonight, so I'll start off with 2 loops of masked FLAC. It's the weakest, I know, but with headphones I don't trust to run ultrasonic frequencies, earbuds I'd rip out of my ears as I sleep b/c they hurt, and not being able to listen on speaker, I don't have much of a choice.
Here's goes nothin'.
01-02-2017, 07:25 PM
(01-02-2017, 07:13 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]I'm doing it. Switching to Version B tonight.
Could be resistance, could be my subconscious really really wants me to run B to help achieve the goal. I don't know. I do know that my thoughts have been on thinking about Version B constantly the last few days, and my mind is coming up with reason-after-reason to run it. So instead of continuing to resist the pull to switch consciously, I'm going to go with the flow.
We'll see how it goes for a week. I hope I can get some energy back. Every day for the last week, at least, I've been a walking zombie. Little energy for the gym, emotional lows at home, little desire to leave the house, high irritability with little patience, and depressing dreams.
My wife's home tonight, so I'll start off with 2 loops of masked FLAC. It's the weakest, I know, but with headphones I don't trust to run ultrasonic frequencies, earbuds I'd rip out of my ears as I sleep b/c they hurt, and not being able to listen on speaker, I don't have much of a choice.
Here's goes nothin'.
I ran B earlier. My mood improved and I became a beast in boxing. Will see if it sticks...
01-03-2017, 05:53 AM
Version B
2 loops, TS masked only, FLAC 13/15 clicks, Cozy phones
Sex dream about my SIL, BIL, and wife...and it was fucked up. In another city, in a rented apartment of sorts, we all stayed together. I was sitting in a chair in SIL/BIL's bedroom. My wife/SIL/BIL were in bed together. Wife was on her back holding SIL, SIL was on her back in between her legs, and BIL was fucking SIL. They didn't seem to know I was watching, but I felt like they did and didn't care. Then BIL pulls out and finishes himself off on my SIL.
I ran off to look for something, the dream went on, but I don't remember much and know I didn't see them again in the dream.
Why is this in my head, geezuz, lol.
2 loops, TS masked only, FLAC 13/15 clicks, Cozy phones
Sex dream about my SIL, BIL, and wife...and it was fucked up. In another city, in a rented apartment of sorts, we all stayed together. I was sitting in a chair in SIL/BIL's bedroom. My wife/SIL/BIL were in bed together. Wife was on her back holding SIL, SIL was on her back in between her legs, and BIL was fucking SIL. They didn't seem to know I was watching, but I felt like they did and didn't care. Then BIL pulls out and finishes himself off on my SIL.
I ran off to look for something, the dream went on, but I don't remember much and know I didn't see them again in the dream.
Why is this in my head, geezuz, lol.
01-03-2017, 03:50 PM
Does this mean that soon Chaos will have to create a new achievement for you?
01-03-2017, 04:08 PM
(01-03-2017, 03:50 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Does this mean that soon Chaos will have to create a new achievement for you?
DMSI Voyeur Badge?
EDIT: (Purposely avoiding insinuation, lol)
01-04-2017, 06:02 AM
Version B, hybrid track, speaker. Finished before sleep.
Started it off pretty loud, then realized that whenever the ocean waves got really loud, the ultrasonic whine seemed to distort - so I turned it down a bit until I didn't notice any (or much) distortion. I do worry about the US portion degrading due to the masked sound as the track plays.
I had stupid non-sexual dreams involving futuristic robots and wolves and/or other predatory animals. I forget most of the content, I just remember waking up, tossing/turning a lot, and thinking "These dreams are so stupid!"
This morning I am tired as shit, and I'm getting the beginnings of a headache. I also have some slight anxiety.
I was feeling better, energy-wise, having switched to the masked-only tracks. I'm definitely in for an afternoon nap today.
EDIT: I remember, while running the hybrid B track on speaker last night, that I wanted the sub to be done running REALLY BAD by the last 30-45 minutes. I was watching a show I really like on Netflix, so it's not like I had something else better to do. I just wanted it done.
I'm also still receiving massive respect in the gym, and meeting new people thanks to hanging out with my workout partner/buddy. He's kicking my ass during the workouts, he's so much more advanced than where I'm at both concerning strength and work volume. I was going to attempt to bench a weight I knew I wouldn't be able to do more than 4 times, after he repped out 10. Another big guy he knows came by and told me he bet I would rep out 15. I said, "No way - 4 max," and he laughed at me and said that he still bet I'd do 15 reps. Sure enough, I repped 4. He says, "You got to have that confidence!" and I said, "There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance - crossing that line could be the difference between an extra rep and an injury that sets you back a few months."
Started it off pretty loud, then realized that whenever the ocean waves got really loud, the ultrasonic whine seemed to distort - so I turned it down a bit until I didn't notice any (or much) distortion. I do worry about the US portion degrading due to the masked sound as the track plays.
I had stupid non-sexual dreams involving futuristic robots and wolves and/or other predatory animals. I forget most of the content, I just remember waking up, tossing/turning a lot, and thinking "These dreams are so stupid!"
This morning I am tired as shit, and I'm getting the beginnings of a headache. I also have some slight anxiety.
I was feeling better, energy-wise, having switched to the masked-only tracks. I'm definitely in for an afternoon nap today.
EDIT: I remember, while running the hybrid B track on speaker last night, that I wanted the sub to be done running REALLY BAD by the last 30-45 minutes. I was watching a show I really like on Netflix, so it's not like I had something else better to do. I just wanted it done.
I'm also still receiving massive respect in the gym, and meeting new people thanks to hanging out with my workout partner/buddy. He's kicking my ass during the workouts, he's so much more advanced than where I'm at both concerning strength and work volume. I was going to attempt to bench a weight I knew I wouldn't be able to do more than 4 times, after he repped out 10. Another big guy he knows came by and told me he bet I would rep out 15. I said, "No way - 4 max," and he laughed at me and said that he still bet I'd do 15 reps. Sure enough, I repped 4. He says, "You got to have that confidence!" and I said, "There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance - crossing that line could be the difference between an extra rep and an injury that sets you back a few months."