Back on Version A, masked headphones, 13/15 clicks volume.
Dreams were fun... It was like a never ending night, where I'd wake up, contemplate the dream in a halfwaking state, and fall asleep where the dream would continue and morph into other dreams.
The only not cool dream came near the end of my sleep cycle and I screamed obscenities at my brother and my dad. My dreams are always riddled with male family members.
Woke tired. The streets became sheets of ice overnight. I saw my cute MILF neighbor slide right out of her driveway, so I rushed over and put Traction Magic down so she could get into her garage. We don't interact much, but she gushed with gratitude for my help.
Unfortunately, said ice kept me inside all day. I didn't get to go workout, which I needed, and I didn't get my break from watching my son by putting him in the gym daycare for a few hours, which I needed!
I took an hour nap, once again woke exhausted. This seriously is like being on AOSI V1. The underthehood clearing is unbelievably energy-taxing.
Other than that, I've felt trapped today, had periods of thinking negatively about how I'm a bad dad while looking at my son, how am I going to do this with two kids, feeling like I need a two week vacation somewhere to rejuvenate, and how is that ever going to happen...Waaah, waah, waah!
Alright, off to man-up now.
(01-10-2017, 03:31 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Dreams were fun... It was like a never ending night, where I'd wake up, contemplate the dream in a halfwaking state, and fall asleep where the dream would continue and morph into other dreams.
I often experience something very much alike while on DMSI, especially the A version. Curiously enough, this did not happen as I was using the earlier versions.
I hate the term "man up". Nothing but a shame based manipulation tactic to get men to "just deal with it" no matter what "it" might be... including laying down his life for the interests of others.
(01-10-2017, 07:41 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Good to know.
My opinions are still just opinions, lol.
Had a really bad day today. Suspect that post is a result. Fortunately it ended with a complete 180, thanks to a DMSI manifestation and a ribeye steak.
Don't be afraid to take my opinion as an opinion and ignore it if you disagree.
Oh, the phrase and sentiment is certainly very often used in a manipulative manner, especially by power players.
Then again, as an order/reminder to oneself, can most certainly be useful at times - when one defines masculinity on their own terms.
Hybrid loops on speaker last night.
Monster dreams - some alien creature with the mouth of a tapeworm, but the size of a large dog. Not sure if I was being chased or not. I only remember the image of all those teeth...
Woke tired, of course. I've felt like a war is being fought in my subconscious all damn day so far. Feeling limited, trapped, caged, bored...depressed, even. Nothing seems exciting or interesting. Got another, "What's wrong with you!?" from my wife. I just said I was having a down day.
I haven't eaten at all. No appetite whatsoever. I went out to run an errand, wife had me grab her lunch, and I didn't get anything for myself. While walking down a few aisles at Lowe's, I got pretty dizzy. Not sure if it's because I haven't eaten, or something else.
Going to a basketball game tonight, and a pre-game cocktail hour. We'll see how that goes.
Not a whole lot to report about the cocktail hour - there must have been 1000+ people there. It was ridiculous.
We got lucky a got a table as it opened, and then the former mayor of our city sat next to us. He opened me, then got our contact information because apparently his granddaughter wrote a children's book they can't sell. He said he'd ship us one for free (we had our son with us). Kinda weird, kinda cool.
I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit to even look for IOIs. It's like no one around mattered to me.
At the game, I felt waves of heat, but didn't notice any IOIs in particular. Maybe I just wasn't looking, because I just don't really care.
That being said, that's how I've felt all day. It's like the frustration and exhaustion is beating something in me to not give a shit, because there's something in me that is ALWAYS giving a shit - in a way to be liked, to please, to gain attention. This part of me is being destroyed. I can just feel it, and right now I just feel positively scummy. I have people-apathy. When this process is complete, I don't really know what it's going to be like to be the person on the other side...
I know the feeling. It's like who cares who's looking at me. I'm the man.
I've got lots of people looking at me, especially when driving, it;'s kind of freaking me out tbh.
This sort of apathy can be the result of a healing/clearing cycle, as RTBoss describes it.
A few things I didn't mention from yesterday:
- At the gym, a fitness model that loves attn (but who's married, w/kids) talks to my lifting partner. I ignored her completely.
- At my wife's OB appt, I started getting IOIs from her gyno. She's maybe my age, married, kids, but highly intelligent/pretty/athlete. She hung around longer than usual, engaged me more than usual, and even showed us pictures of her kids on her cellphone. In the exam room, and out in the hall, her feet were always pointed toward me and away from my wife.
- Yelled at my wife in anger, and said mean shit. Apologized later, and she was over it INSTANTLY. Must be the forgiveness aspect of the aura, b/c she normally would have held that over me for awhile.
Headed to a late Xmas/New Year's party for my wife's work at a coworkers house. They have it annually. Always a lot of hotties there, mostly with husbands/boyfriends. I usually drink at this thing, but my pregnant wife obviously can't, and frankly I don't even feel like it.
There's always this guy who is incredibly intimidated by me that makes the atmosphere a little uncomfortable, but fuck it. Bring it on. Normally I'd want to cover up some of these feelings I'm having with alcohol, but right now I just feel like going out and bathing in them. I want to see what happens when it's just me - and as for impressing anyone, I just don't give a fuck.
