Day 5
It seems like E2 is going to be a relatively rough ride.
Still miffed about yesterday but it has lessened to a degree. E2 is tackling the big stuff as I'm going through my day to day business. I'm feeling emotions and the stuff I usually suppress by rationalizing it away.
(10-29-2016, 03:44 AM)4Kingdoms Wrote: [ -> ] (10-28-2016, 07:31 PM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]I'm mentally expressing all the frustration inside my mind. The first response was to take action and change myself. Next is frustration about my current situation and the futility of my own actions to move past it and the last is contemplating on ending my life. I need E2 more than ever. I just wished I can just have a massive purge and be done with it.
It's taken years to get where you are now.
Fortunately, E2 will turn those years into months and eventually into days!!
Recently SargeMaximus recommended this book:
It's Not About the Shark: How to Solve Unsolvable Problems by David Niven PhD
https://smile.amazon.com/Its-Not-About-S...+the+shark
It teaches the reader how to FOCUS on the SOLUTION...
I'm usually a person that has the mentality of " here are some things you can start working on and keep yourself busy" but what undercuts this completely is the feeling of " Will this even help me at all?".
(10-29-2016, 05:53 AM)CatMan Wrote: [ -> ] (10-28-2016, 05:20 AM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Day 4
E2 is starting to tackle the deeper stuff and the only reason why I know that is it comes up in my dreams. As a minority, I felt inferior in some aspects and I felt hate too. I'm glad E2 is beginning to tackle this part of it because it will hopefully dissolve the victim mentality and in part regaining my confidence.
One of the subs included in E2 is Overcome The Victim Mentality. No worries, bro!
Not worrying about that. its just the dream made me angry instead of submissive. I verbally yelled at him then walked off.
(10-29-2016, 06:09 AM)Duke.Togo Wrote: [ -> ] (10-28-2016, 07:31 PM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Had a beer with some of my good friends I made this semester but the thing is... One of them mentioned a girl he is becoming close to in the club I volunteer with them and it just , for the leak of a better word, triggered something in me. Deep seated jealousy, hatred of some kind, and I felt absolutely sick and in my head for the rest of my time there. I had to leave and currently stuff feeling it plus the alcohol is taking hold.
I'm mentally expressing all the frustration inside my mind. The first response was to take action and change myself. Next is frustration about my current situation and the futility of my own actions to move past it and the last is contemplating on ending my life. I need E2 more than ever. I just wished I can just have a massive purge and be done with it.
I know I'm not saying anything different or nothing you haven't heard before, but the fact that you have been able to isolate the feeling is a big step forward. Knowing that something burns allows you to better deal with it and move from it.
Time and patience heals all wounds. And if you need someone to talk to, reach out to the members at this forum. We're all trying to get through this together, so, you're never alone.
Remember that. 
When I experience emotions, I feel it physically and then in hindsight I can see how I reacted to the experience. It felt like a cocktail of emotions and physical feeling. I just wished I had the patience to see that this will eventually payoff and I'll be better because of this run.
Day 6
Yesterday, I basically decided to take steps in improving different aspects as I can. Two main areas is the stuff that is planned is my health and my style.
I'm planning to stop half assing my workouts and actually commit to it. Right now, I haven't been going because my friend stopped driving me there. Gotta bite the bullet and start walking again. I'm planning on taking small steps like attending for a week and then start counting. Planning on incorporating more volume and cardiovascular work.
Style wise is simple, I got versatile clothes and new shoes so I can mix and match them. I think it looks good but I quickly became aware that I associated dressing well with the idea of "fuckboy" and how I never wanted to be like them. I guess it eventually seeped into my subconscious enough so that I avoided it. Consequently, I dressed like a slob for most of my life.
It looked good when I got everything but now the association is running full gear and I don't feel myself. E2 will cover it so I'm not worried but until then I don't quite feel authentic with the new style.
Besides working on my health and style is easier than tackling the emotional issues and my soul C: (excuse the emo-ness)
the entire day was completely unproductive because I decided to run E2 as im going about my business.
I slept for a couple of hours on and off. I finally got the energy to leave my bed when I check my social media page and asked myself "What can I do to get to the level the guys I know?" because I felt frustrated because I'm starting from what I think is a lower relative place and I have to work harder to rise to their level. At first, it frustrated me but now I can see the beauty of it because I can go in different directions to eventually get there and eventually go above their level with subs.
Tempted to run DMSI again.
Day 8
I decided to use my mone collection again. Tried three sprays of glace to see if I can use it socially. Didn't see anything out of the ordinary besides having better articulation but I doubt it is the mones.
Suddenly decided to research my major and THEN looked at REIT I can invest in the near future. I went into it full force and I did find some good picks. Just need to get the money to invest in it.
(11-01-2016, 04:34 PM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Tempted to run DMSI again.
Day 8
I decided to use my mone collection again. Tried three sprays of glace to see if I can use it socially. Didn't see anything out of the ordinary besides having better articulation but I doubt it is the mones.
Suddenly decided to research my major and THEN looked at REIT I can invest in the near future. I went into it full force and I did find some good picks. Just need to get the money to invest in it.
What currency are you thinking about investing with?
(11-01-2016, 04:53 PM)Blink Wrote: [ -> ] (11-01-2016, 04:34 PM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]Tempted to run DMSI again.
Day 8
I decided to use my mone collection again. Tried three sprays of glace to see if I can use it socially. Didn't see anything out of the ordinary besides having better articulation but I doubt it is the mones.
Suddenly decided to research my major and THEN looked at REIT I can invest in the near future. I went into it full force and I did find some good picks. Just need to get the money to invest in it.
What currency are you thinking about investing with?
The U.S Dollar naturally
(11-01-2016, 05:05 PM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]The U.S Dollar naturally
Cool! Just wanted to make sure you were from the States. I thought you were from Canada for some reason.
So, you can also consider these 3 ETFs. IYR and REET from iShares and VNQ from Vanguard. If you don't know what an ETF is, it's just a fund that has a lot of REITs in it. So you don't really have to choose one or the other, the fund managers do the work for you, and they add and remove REITs in the fund when they see fit.
IYR is a US, REET is global, and VNQ is US as well.
Check and see if they fit your goals. Also for disclaimer, I do not work for Vanguard nor iShares. I do hold REET's Canadian equivalent in my portfolio, which is CGR.
(11-01-2016, 05:19 PM)Blink Wrote: [ -> ] (11-01-2016, 05:05 PM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]The U.S Dollar naturally
Cool! Just wanted to make sure you were from the States. I thought you were from Canada for some reason.
So, you can also consider these 3 ETFs. IYR and REET from iShares and VNQ from Vanguard. If you don't know what an ETF is, it's just a fund that has a lot of REITs in it. So you don't really have to choose one or the other, the fund managers do the work for you, and they add and remove REITs in the fund when they see fit.
IYR is a US, REET is global, and VNQ is US as well.
Check and see if they fit your goals. Also for disclaimer, I do not work for Vanguard nor iShares. I do hold REET's Canadian equivalent in my portfolio, which is CGR.
I was planning on holding individual REITs that are based on industry. For example, There will always be a need for hospitals, health care facilities and such. I have been eyeing private prison REIT's despite the shaky moral grounds. Other than that the financial and other factors regarding it is fairly sound.
Edit: Looks like Private prisons aren't going to be a good pick now.
(11-01-2016, 05:24 PM)Aventus45 Wrote: [ -> ]I was planning on holding individual REITs that are based on industry. For example, There will always be a need for hospitals, health care facilities and such. I have been eyeing private prison REIT's despite the shaky moral grounds. Other than that the financial and other factors regarding it is fairly sound.
Edit: Looks like Private prisons aren't going to be a good pick now.
Nice!! Looks like you're doing your research well! And know what you want
Day 9
The first thing I noticed when I woke up is how Guilt, Shame, and Fear has been noticeably reduced when I thought about my mistakes. I don't react to the degree that I used to. I can work the situation in my head more clearly and I'm able to extract the lessons I need to learn from the memory.
I feel like a huge block is building up right now. Might lead to a break though in a few days.
Day 10
If DMSI v3.0 includes healing then i'll consider switching to it. The bulk of my conscious issues is around women. Or perhaps it is because of the other issues that I have is the cause of the issues around women.
In other aspects, Either the 2 pumps of glace got me half way out of my shell and E2 is doing it's thing or its placebo. Either way, today felt great because I was less in my shell and I'm more talkative with everyone around me.
Had a workshop that's headed by a cute asian girl I know. We got to talk for a bit but she makes cringe worthy self-Deprecating humor.
Day 11
Had to facilitate a discussion, I failed to steer the discussion. The saving grace is the fact that the detours were interesting.
I felt jealousy stab my heart when I see other guys succeeding in dating and relationships. While I still feel this now, I can at least process that pain enough to see the underlying lesson. Dating, in some part, is about finding what I have in common with another person. I don't know why I have this huge mental block in my mind that prevents myself from doing just that. I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me.
Was able to be partially vulnerable with a male friend of mine. He asked what I would have changed in senior year in high school. Main regrets were my lack of confidence, missed opportunities with women, and lack of work life balance.
My senior year of high school was a period of isolation and anger. I was isolated because I worked during all my after-school times and lost touch with all my friends. At lunch, I couldn't really connect with the guys around me so I started becoming solitary person. I became angry because I saw everyone else happy and apparently found a significant other. The rage inside boiled for months and I ended up feeling lonely, angry, and hurt.
It was the same year i met my first girlfriend, it came by chance and we started talking. It was like a drug to me and a loved it. I would text her everyday and what not despite having virtually nothing in common. Eventually her inexperience and my constant need for attention spiraled to the peak and I asked her out. She said yes and we began dating. Funny enough my physical rapport and eye contact was on point. She kept asking me why I liked her and I kept responding with I don't know( this part had alot of shame attached to it when I think back). It was probably my extreme neediness drove me over.
I guess she fell out of love because I became needy and felt content and slipped at some point. She fell out of love and I was ashamed that I couldn't see all the red flags such as her talking about other dudes to me. I failed one of her biggest shit tests on that topic due to the same neediness and insecurities. The final nail to the coffin was me "escalating" too fast and that ended the relationship. Of course, she didn't want to hurt me and failed to mention this so I spent my first three months in my semester in college trying to contact her. After a while she finally broke the news to me.
Just typing this out was a purge in itself. Though I feel nothing... I'm listening to E2 while typing this out so that might be something. What's done is done, only thing I can hope for is to learn from these experiences and then be rid of all attachments so i can begin a new.
Edit: looks like I need to be in E2 for the long haul.