22/180
Day 22 Off - Wed June 9 - OFF #1 - part 3
So as you read above there was fear. So during the remainder of the day there was none lol I felt relaxed and calm I think. I usually notice fear/anxiety in my sternum. I felt nothing later in the day. I did have anger though towards my bro and frustration as he avoided doing something for that I needed doing for my packing and for my travelling too. I anyway got over it quickly too.
---
23/180
Day 23 Off - Thurs June 10 - OFF #2
So I didnt sleep at all. My flight was at 6am. At 2.30am I was dressed in the clothes for travelling and I was packing my huge suitcase number 3 last minute due to reasons outside my control. Being a hot morning and perhaps adrenaline I was sweating alot and thus running on adrenaline. All good so far then got in the car and lost my cool with bro and our friend who were both taking me to the airport to help with the offloading of luggage from car.
So I lost my cool briefly and composed myself but I always lose my cool at something when my bro is involved and it pisses me right off as it shouldnt be the case. Im stating anger here in this journal as data incase anger is related to fear or something OF works on?
Anyway got to the airport and was in line. I was a little not anxious but concerned. its hard to say what it was but I wasnt relaxed yet not worried and it was because the airline told me I wont need any covid testing to land in the next country through which I was transiting yet I knew at the airport that rule may not stand. Anyway got to the check in and I was calm cool and in control because I thought "well worst case is i dont fly and either fly another route on Sunday maybe" but anyway I was correct no test was needed and off I went. All the way through I wasnt at all nervous or anxious as I may be. I was relaxed.
I so was on the plane and wanted to call the male air steward to ask about whether I could stand to get to my cabin bag or if the seatbelts had to remain on and thus no standing, as I couldnt see the seatbelt light/indicator anywhere on the overhead panel. Im always apprehensive of pressing that button when i want to as I dont know I feel im disturbing them or being a nuisance perhaps. Is that fear? well I didnt press it
but he soon walked towards me so I was able to ask and thus got the postive and stood up and got on with what I wanted to do.
I got to the first country through which I was transiting and all good. I then had 2 hours before getting on the next plane. Normally I wouldnt go for a walk or anything i would simply get to the gate and sit there and wait. I wouldnt go for a walk out of fear of getting lost or missing the flight I think. Anyway I spoke to my sis the day before and she said go for a walk and look for some postcards as postcards from every country we members of a family may visit we get postcards from. So this time as soon as I felt I MAY have found the gate (the flight no didnt seem at all familiar) I thought ok ill go for a walk with my cabin baggage in tow.
I walked towards another big overhead monitor of flights and again same and ONLY flight at the time and destination was shown so I was sure that that gate was mine and it was literally the gate I had arrived next too lol so I knew where that was so off I went on a walk. I think hiding behind a mask gives an extra confidence so this data im providing may not be fair or true as its same as perhaps wearing a Royal Knights helmet, though I have never worn such an attire nor do us brits live in the medieval period but the point is a mask or helmet perhaps provides a shield or defence from the world.
Anyway I went into a shop bought some souvenirs but no postcards were sold so they told me to try the next area/concourse whatever its called. As I walked I saw a member of airport/airline staff and approached. As i spoke she thought I asked her if its ok to smoke (WTF i know right haha) and she immediately said no there is no smoking here to which I said "no ive not even mentioned smoking at all" we laughed and then I asked her and she wasnt sure but pointed in the direction I was headed for postcards. Got there walked a little saw a shop and bought some cards and other things.
Walked back past the no smoker and shouted "got it all" holding up the new gift bag of items in my hand and she was pleased. Nothing relevant but nice to share this here if not data atleast to give you the read some context.
Got to the gate and sat and nothing new.
Got on the plane and sat down on row 5C. I was told by the airline I was 5C. I wanted 5A but was informed a mother and child had already reserved that so ok. The people came onto the plane SLOWLY and then an older lady of say 60 and her toyboy/son I dunno was behind her and she stopped I looked up and she said I am row 5C and showed me her ticket/boarding pass. The lady and guy were nationals of this airline and destination country so their english wasnt first language so broken but understandable. The guy took over and said this is her seat and I said well i was told this is my seat. He then ordered me to show him my boarding pass. I chuckled behind the mask of power i was wearing haha I said na im good im not showing you my ticket. I was thinking come on man you arent staff or my leader what the hell haha
Anyway this continued for a minute then a sexy airstewardess came and asked for my ticket so I showed her. She saw my seat for the previous flight on which 5A was written and she goes ah you are 5A go sit there. Now I saw her mistake but hey im not gonna care nor argue so i got up and moved to there and though whatever im cool. I sat and after a while guess who turn up but a woman and a child but also a man haha The original lady and her toyboy however did not sit on 5C but on row 6 not behind me but across the aisle on the right side of the plane and I on the left. I thought what was all that for then but anyyway now new guy was discussing with toyboy about how they have all taken the wrong seats and it was getting a little amusing like a comedy sketch in a national lampoons film.
The lady with ther child however were nice and a little shy and eventually she spoke to me and I was polite and asked if she really wanted this seat or was happy with the 2 vacant seats next to me but she really wanted this seat. Another airstewardess came over checked my ticket and now told me that I was sat on 2C and need to go there. Yes my ticket said 2C if you really looked hard enough whch I didnt as I was told where to sit by the airline on the phone when I booked the ticket and also i was just not in the mindset I guess to bother to check so diligently this time whereas normally I would be far more prudent.
So I moved to that seat no problem no fear or anxiety. I was finding it all an adventure. I was sat on 2C, 2B was empty and a guy was sat on 2A. Since 2B was empty I put my gear down there and sat down and buckled in. He didnt mind about my stuff being there though I was conscious of asking him but didnt especially when someone couldnt put there bag in the cabin locker above so he kindly said no problem and got up and by me (so I got up and stood in the aisle) so he could get his backpack and put it between his legs space at his seat. From there I heard his accent and he was an american. So we got talking. I cant go into detail as he couldnt with me but he didnt know I know my movies so we got talking and he worked in the film industry on sets and was flying over to my destination country to work on a new movie.
I worked out what the movie was much to his astonishment and then we chatted during the flight and I threw in little things such as if you have any day passes look me up and ill come and see how movies are made and maybe rub shoulders with some A-Listers etc. We then fell asleep (not together lol) and when we woke closer to landing there wasnt much chit chat and so i thought well im not going to beg to stay in touch it was a cool chat but if you suggest it then cool otherwise que sera sera (google it for those that dont know this terminology).
Anyway I got off the plane no chat except the usual cordial goodbyes with him and i went to get my luggage. I got to the taxis and saw my landlord had called me (missed call but I was on the plane). Coincidence and bizarre as she never calls but texts. I was a little unsure and hesitant. Cant recall if anxious to be honest but some element of trepidation did enter my body however fuck it I messaged to say I just messaged so wassup ( I didnt type like this those lol) and then she called and she basically wanted to know my future plans and when I plan to either leave the country after my course or stay so had a chit chat though i was now exhausted.
I got to my place, and the rest it irrelevant. I hadnt slept for around 34hours up to this point and then I planned to stay awake for the remainder of the day until I could rest my clock. I basically hadnt slept for 47hours and then did fall asleep.
---
24/180
Day 24 ON - Friday June 11 - ON #1
So I slept without playing the sub. I suddenly woke up twice during the sleep and then fell asleep almost immediately but recall no dreams at all. I then got woken up at 2pm time here in this country by my mum saying I should wake up now. This was around 12-13hours worth of sleep and I was exhausted. I realised I hadnt played the sub so hit play and slept again for another 2 hours. I woke tired again and exhausted.
When I played the sub at the usual 13/15 volume the only difference now was that the phone was on this bed/mattress closer to my head. I felt a throb in my head. Left temple. It was a a trobbing sensation. Not pain or sore but obvious on n off tension of sorts that was up and down lets say like a pulse. It lasted I think for around a few mins maybe 5 at max.
Rest of the day was of nothing noteworthy.
I should add that I know I have feeling conscious and insecure of my looks for the past few days. Relevant no idea again something I recall so adding it. Do I tend to feel insecure like other humans sure, however am I more aware of my own self image and how I must look to others, yes I think im more aware of the reality of how big or small i look compared to the past where I was perhaps delusional of my reality and more optimistic of how beautiful I must be lol
Time here is now 4.56am and im still not willing to go to sleep. The same as yesterday even though I was tired. I seem to fight the need to sleep or go to bed as if it is boring perhaps.
Anyway thats all the data for now.
as a reminder I am currently on 2 days on and 2 days off and have only done perhaps 1 cycle of this so far. I want to do this for a good 2 or 3 weeks before I consider asking Shannon to change it simply as flying takes it out of me and so need a week due to covid to settle in and another week just incase to reacclimatise to my new surroundings. I think 2 or 3 weeks is wise. I have 6 months on this sub so may as well do this properly and right for hitting the right sweet spot for me.