(06-12-2021, 10:26 AM)Jake2015 Wrote: [ -> ]25/180
Day 25 ON - Saturday June 12 - ON #2
Damn I honestly cant remember if I played the sub or not :/ So what to do. I feel 60% sure that I did play the sub. I must have but now wondering well did i?
I think ill err on caution and assume I did not play it thus play a loop soon whilst awake. Worst case is that I played 2 loops rather than 1 but rather than than no loops.
Does your player on your phone not have a "Recently Played" playlist?
(06-12-2021, 12:31 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ] (06-12-2021, 10:26 AM)Jake2015 Wrote: [ -> ]25/180
Day 25 ON - Saturday June 12 - ON #2
Damn I honestly cant remember if I played the sub or not :/ So what to do. I feel 60% sure that I did play the sub. I must have but now wondering well did i?
I think ill err on caution and assume I did not play it thus play a loop soon whilst awake. Worst case is that I played 2 loops rather than 1 but rather than than no loops.
Does your player on your phone not have a "Recently Played" playlist?
Hey bro thanks I cant see that on my player. Im using PULSAR music player for android.
Addendum:
Ok yes I googled and saw the recently played list but it doesnt say when the track was played and I only use this player for subs (OF3) so thats the only thing showing.
what I think ill have to do is play it tonight instead of an off day, then go to 1 off day and then back to 2 on and 2 off
25/180
Day 25 ON - Saturday June 12 - ON #2 - part 2
So not had any time to play the sub since ive needed earphones to listen to laptop stuff as speakers are blown hence earphones will get in the way of the phone playing the sub.
I will therefore play the sub tonight and forego my 1 break day, resulting in this being 1 day on and so 1 day off and back to 2 days off.
I got frustrated and angry at sis over something I was dealing with for her with a friend who was in a rush. I dont know if anger is data for this sub but im sharing it.
Also a uni friend informed me that exam rules have changed and no exam on friday instead we all have to do it on thursday. it didnt bring up as much anxiety as perhaps it would have done before and I am alot more rational perhaps and a little less anxious that normal. However not 100% as yet so lets see how I go but seems promising. I wonder if resolving fears with this sub automatically results in greater confidence and Alpha Male-ness?
26/180
Day 26 ON - Sunday June 13 - OFF #1 - part 1
ok so as you know I listened to the sub today on my day off.
Tomorrow I will take a day off so it will be 1 day off then back to 2 days on and 2 days off. (why? for context read previous posts)
As has happened last couple of nights I have woken and fallen asleep immediately.
I today woke exhausted once again struggling to open my eyes.
I had a dream but fuck my life I cant remember it even though I made the effort to remember it when I woke argh! I think again the dream was violent in some way and had no connection to my real life except for the characters and scenes lol. I cant say or offer more than that im afraid. I wish I could remember. I totally forgot I even dreamt until i sat to type this.
Other than this all i can say is that I AM TIRED and SLEEPY!
I am recording things here for data but this current lifetstyle of mine isnt usual as ive said often in my posts, so my tiredness could still be related to my improper inefficient sleep cycle and schedule as well as my travelling etc. So now that I am back I want to reacclimatise myself in the next days and weeks until I have a healthy pattern again and regime.
Once that pattern and regime becomes a habit and daily practice (im speaking mostly about my sleep) then hopefully if I am still tired i myself can categorically say it is the sub doing all this which means that my subconscious and the sub are speaking thus im executing without doubts if I am etc.
I have an exam this week and I felt anxiety about it and some about the future as I thought about the future. What future I cant recall it was momentary but I think it was about graduating and working etc.
So yes anxiety is there. I think insecurity over my appearance is still there. I think not depression but regret or sadness over the past is there too as I have thought about time lost etc.
In 4 days time it will be 30 days since running this sub and I feel if i am executing then there is more than a 6months journey here considering how slow it seems to be working on me.
I dont know how this sub works but there is also the chance that it works in an exponential rate so gets faster and faster the more it works so perhaps 6 months is more than enough - this is the optimist in me stating this out loud though.
26/180
Day 26 ON - Sunday June 13 - OFF #1 - part 2
So today I was tired all day but not as much as I have been I dont think.
By evening I was awake and refreshed. I had 1 major goal/task to do in my to do list. I am focused on only 1 or 2 things to do a day while I settle back and this task I was procrastinating on due to my tiredness. I know that tiredness feeds procrastination but since this task was constantly running around in my head I eventually got off my fat ass and got on with it. Its nothing major its simply tidying a large table up but it was a mess haha anyway I got it done!!
I did it in a relaxed manner whilst dividing my focus with youtube and messages from women on a casual sex site im on cos hey why not im single and im on OF so bring it on lol
Jokes aside the reason im sharing this is because in the past 3 days ive been in conversation with I think 7-9 different women. Its fucking crazy! some ive been in touch with for past 2 months but have not be actively talking to me or went quiet as I was too busy to chat and some were new from today or last 3 days. I have no idea if this is OF since well ive met them all online and well I dont get it I really dont. I dont know if this is OF and im not gnna jump and say it is or isnt OF since this isnt the DMSI sub but if this is at all OF then wtf! lol
but anyway excitement over lets see what happens in the next few days or how I cock it up cos we all know in todays era of social network online hooksups and dating its the men who are messing up by not swallowing that red pill lol
anyway tomorrow is day off so no sub listening. I feel relieved so maybe 3 days on is max for me.
27/180
Day 27 OFF - Monday June 14 - OFF #2
So day off today and got woken up by a friend. However I wasnt as tired as I was yesterday.
Nothing else to really say or state so far.
Addendum:
So im going to add extra which may be relevant actually. So I woke, and spoke to my friend who woke me about an upcoming exam that he today found out that we may not able to sit. The way he said it caused me to react in the same surprised way as I normally would and I think (cant recall) but I think my anxiety was either same or less. I dont think it was more however he then went on to say we may be able to do it at another day from which I immediately felt euphoric and great and thought in my head "well doesnt matter its an easy exam this one and we can do it again at the last sittings in the fall/autumn dates" and then went on to tell him this.
I then after that got chatting to 1 of the women briefly and she was free for a quick call (our first) so I said sure why not. That call ended up lasting for around I dont know 2-3hours with breaks due to other calls needed precedence. Shes amazed at how well we click as indeed am I but hey ill take a win lol
I then had the other females message me here and there and thats cool nothing major, however I think it was saturday where 1 female and I were texting and the topic became rather sensitive so i asked her to delete as its not something that needed to be on anyones server though not serious and it was simply chat its still something that caused some anxiety in me however soon I was able to let it go.
So in essence i could be feeling less anxious in certain situations but less doesnt mean NONE, since im still feeling it for sure but lesser perhaps. Also I could very well be feeling it for a very quick short duration so if that is true im either releasing fears quicker than usual or im letting the feelings dissipate quicker. there is a 3rd option which is that the fearful situations are not as fearful as some others thus less fearful situations leads to less fearful feelings. I may need to stand at a high height (fear of heights) or be locked in a room with a wasp/bee or spider (fear of these) to see how I feel lol
anyway thats all for now but I still feel its early days even after 27 days since I have felt fear during this journal.
Also I was tired and full from eating and thus procrastinated at toadys main task at hand but then did it and got it done by 70% so far which is something.
Also the girl I had oneitis for when I was on OF2, who has now gone to pretty much radio silence which have I too, well its her birthday in a few days and im thinking of just doing something for her as a one off and then ghosting her simple cos why not turn the tables. So the birthday gift I plan to do for her is a service paid and arranged online but I was hesistant to log on and check it out. The anxiety I had was I think the effort to get it right. I think that perfectionism is the fear I have that leads to me procrastinating on my academic learning and work.
I think the procrastination I have been trying to deal with for so long stems from fear of failure thus if my immediately analysis whilst I type these words is correct and that fear of failure is what causes the perfectionist way of thinking.
So I guess thats something I may have realised some years ago with Shannon's help too but its become apparent again. Clearly this fear of failure hasnt gone however I did end up logging on and checking the site out but im too lazy to arrange the servicec/gift as yet.
Wow I didnt think I had any data oh well I guess reading other journals really does evoke and inspire lol
27/180
Day 27 OFF - Monday June 14 - OFF #2 - part 2
So I left the window open in my bedroom and had an electric heater plugged in the wall that sits under the window on the floor. I spent the day in the living room of my apartment. It was raining crazy outside and I was engrossed in my own tasks etc.
Suddenly realised what I should have done and rushed to the room. The rain had indeed come through the window soaking the floor and thus the heater. The casing was wet and the inside must have had splashes too. The side of the bed, a small corner was wet also.
My reaction was calm and no anxiety at all. I didnt seem to care but felt well just clean and see what happens. Then there was a little tiny weeny anxiety/apprehension around whether I can safely touch the heater with some paper towels to wipe it dry and also whether safe to pull its plug out of the extension cable I had it in which was plugged in the wall. Well that feeling went soon after but im sure that feeling to protect myself by my subconscious is a good anxiety perhaps.
That done I then seemed to continue with my day as normal and dont at the moment recall any other data I can share at this moment. Its bizarre I have or may have an exam this week but I dont seem to care too much or seem worried about it. Its normal for me to be worried on the day or the night before however even now I just cant seem to feel like I care lol
Its also my birthday now and even that seems chilled. My mother called me to wish me happy birthday from the UK which was nice but I dont seem to feel like ive done in the past which is well its a big deal so unsure why.
nothing else to say really at this moment.
(06-14-2021, 09:22 PM)enoch Wrote: [ -> ]Happy birthday Jake
@
enoch Thank you very much bro!!
28/180
Day 28 ON - Tuesday June 15 - ON #1
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29/180
Day 29 ON - Wed June 16 - ON #2
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30/180
Day 30 OFF - Thurs June 17 - OFF #1
I havent been able to come on for the last 2 dates due to it being a hectic couple of days as I had a big exam today.
All I can share is what I recall which was I felt anxiety during times and procrastination around the prep for the exam.
However today was the day of the exam. I was fine until I left my apartment and then a whoosh of anxiety crept on me but it also left me quickly with my thoughts being thoughts that rationalised the fear. I got to the exam hall and then got nervous again but less anxious. It was as if I was trying to get more of a handle on the anxiety itself.
I also felt I think lastnight or today to maybe increase the sub again so im currently on 1 loop, 2 days on and 2 days off so maybe now or soon ill give 2 loops a try and see. This feeling wasnt an intense desire or anything but simply a thought to maybe see if ive yet to reach a sweet spot with this sub or perhaps simply increase the efficacy of it.
Ive had ZERO sleep due to this exam as well as my terrible sleep regime so noting it here for data.
So im reluctant to increase the sub until I get atleast a sensible number of hours of sleep at a sensible period but then that could also take me a while to reach so will see.
Since ive had no sleep today, I will aim to get to bed for 9pm if I can so if you dont hear from me later today have a good night yall lol
I also remembered that today I saw a gorgeous girl doing the exam. Shes not in my groups cycle so ive maybe only seen her 1 or 2 times in the last 3+ years the point is she was gorgeous and my friend who just talks and talks cockblocked me. Hes a dick!
Anyway then I was walking behind her on the way home and thought ill catch up but I had a mask on and also I have to focus on myself so I did speak to her as a friend but didnt take it any further as felt well with the pandemic too im not really going to go out of my way to meet a girl haha
I dont think this is fear but it definately isnt the gung-ho attitude of a risk taker either. Is this something OF can work on??
31/180
Day 31 OFF - Fri June 18 - OFF #2 - part 1
Hadnt slept at all due to the exam yesterday and focused myself to make sure I get into bed for 9pm and try and fix my sleep cycle.
I got to bed at 8pm after watching a movie and eating eating eating so that I was hungry no more thus content to get to bed.
Luckily being a no sub day/off day I was able to put on a 1hour sleep meditation from YouTube. I also turned off blue light on my phone and laptop and realised I need would need to schedule this in. I got to bed, took some adapotgens and minerals for sleep and boom was out by I dunno 9pm atleast. I say this as Im sure I woke at some point and heard the youtube track and fell asleep again.
I woke at 6.55am thinking it was 12 or 1pm and thus I had over slept so yup I was very pleased!!!
Woke, washed, ate breakfast and a cup of morning tea and chocolate cos im celebrating this huge success and milestone for me lol
Anyway back to the sub so its 10.22am here and if i can maintain this sleep cycle of 9hrs sleep at the very least then ill be giving my body all it needs to finally function at optimum.
So time to consider increasing the loop now to 2 loops a day instead of 1 I think.
So my new protocol shall be 2 loops a day, 2 days on and 2 days off.
I will also focus later on in the day to read over this journals, as its been 30days and see what I can see if anything in terms of execution as I know I still have fear - based on yesterdays exam it was there as was procrastination somewhat and laziness. The fear to study is very much still there too I think though im more accepting of wanting to study.
I also realised that waking up early leaves me at a loss as to how to fill my time and day but is that a fear im unsure but could be a reason I may have become a night owl. No idea but a thought.
Addendum:
So not last night when I had this 9-10hrs sleep but the night before or before that I do recall putting my head on the pillow and feeling some tension in my head that I felt when I first played the sub. However this was an off day and i just recall this now. So whether that days tension was the sub or simply how I may normally be has caused some doubt in my mind but either way ill still be hitting play and proceeding ahead.
Addendum:
Whilst thinking about now increasing the loops to 2 a day rather than waiting until my sleep is regularly fixed I also have the urge or feeling to add a silent track for 30mins to the start of the 2 loops. Unsure why so will ask shannon about this.
Addendum:
No tiredness. After 9-10hours sleep maybe it was 11, I dont feel tired. So it seems on this 1 days data that perhaps the previous days tiredness was not the sub but the crazy sleep regime I had. Time will tell.
30th Day summary (TBC: To be Completed later today)
Started on Wednesday 19th May 2021 - 1 Loop a day, 2 days on and 3 days off.
Changed On Saturday 5th June 2021 (17 days later) - 1 Loop a day, 2 days on and 2 DAYS OFF
Now Saturday 19th June 2021 (14 days later) I will change to - 2 LOOPS A DAY, 2 days on and 2 days off.
I am tempted to increase this to 3 loops a day even (at a later date) as I want to notice something physiologically such as a headache or more to really say that I can feel the sub working for me.
Day 30th OFF - Thursday 17 june
Day 31 OFF - Fri 18 June
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Day 32 ON - Saturday 19 June
Day 33 ON - Sunday 20 June
Day 34 OFF - Monday 21 June
Day 35 OFF - Tuesday 22 June
Day 36 ON - Wednesday 23 June
Day 37 ON - Thursday 24 June
Day 38 OFF - Friday 25 June
Day 39 OFF - Saturday 26 June
Day 40 ON - Sunday 27 June
Day 41 ON - Monday 28 June
Day 42 OFF - Tuesday 29 June
Day 43 OFF - Wednesday 30 June
Day 44 ON - Thursday 1st JULY
Day 45 ON - Friday 2nd July
Day 46 OFF - Saturday 3rd July
Day 47 OFF - Sunday 4th July
Day 48 ON - Monday 5th July
Day 49 ON - Tuesday 6th July
Day 50 OFF - Wednesday 7th July
Day 51 OFF - Thursday 8th July
Day 52 ON - Friday 9th July
Day 53 ON - Saturday 10th July
Day 54 OFF - Sunday 11 July
Day 55 OFF - Monday 12 July
Day 56 ON - Tuesday 13 July
Day 57 ON - Wednesday 14 July
Day 58 OFF - Thursday 15 July
Day 59 OFF - Friday 16 July
Day 32 ON - Saturday 19 June - ON#1
1) as you can see from the previous post I havent had any chance to update it as not had any chance to read my own journal. Just been very busy preparing for next exam and focusing on my sleep.
2) Today was the first day where I increased the intensity so incase you havent read above, today is the first day of 2 loops, 2 days on and 2 days off.
3) I couldnt sleep. I went to bed at 8pm, aimed to sleep by 9pm as per previous day. I was in and out of sleep. I doubt I went to deep sleep much but I was always coming back out of sleep however at the END OF THE 2 LOOPS, around 2hours and 15mins I woke up and checked my phone for the time and to see if the sub was still playing.
I needed a bathroom break twice during the night cant recall if this was the reason I woke up but it did make me wonder how it was significant that the loops end and then im awake..... hmmm?
I also due to constantly waking recall I had a dream, that was violent and worrying. I didnt like the dream. It wasnt a horror kind of dream more violent and upsetting. I dont recall the dream fully now want to repeat it here suffice to say if these are the kinds of dreams I have every night (I dont recall my dreams at all when I wake usually) then no wonder im living a fearfully fucked up life.
Anyway I couldnt sleep and eventually got up at 5am rather than the planned 6am.
4) I was making breakfast and suddenly on my white microwave as I was stood there with a plate that a small spider came from NOWHERE and skuttled across the surface of the roof of the microwave startling me with...you got it FEAR!!! I after a second or 2 then tried to compose myself that nothing to be afraid of and also to think where the heck is OF lol I then worked on a superb plan of action to remove said spider, a plan even Colonel John Hannibul Smith from the A-Team Tv Show would be proud off that involved a paper towel and a quick grab squeeze panic and throw manouver ive perfected over the years......but when I returned with my chosen weapon of destruction the spider was nowhere to be seen.
This incident alone made me wonder if OF is working or not but also that after 30 days with only 5 more months left, I have a long long way to go.
5) Yesterday was a productive day. After the journal update I got on with my most pressing task for the day - working on the next exam which is only days away.
6) Today I so far made breakfast a big breakfast followed by quick microwavable pancakes and tea. I spoke to my friend on the phone and then got him off quick so that I could focus on todays goals. Due to waking early and trying to focus my self around sleep ive become more focused on getting things done in the day and not wasting time which is great.
7) Tasks for today well first was to get this journal done while the above data was fresh in my head, rather than coming and doing this update later and forgetting salient points. Then I need to address a reply to a friends email. Again can be done later but rather do it now so that will take me a hour atleast. After that I have to unpack my luggage which was in quarantine to be safe. Well that safe time is complete so next 2 days is unpacking.
8) I spent 3hours since waking on having a wash, making and eating breakfast and enjoying a martial arts movie as I ate as well as speaking to my friend and now its 8.17am so not bad even though I really do need to work at making my breakfast reduce to 2hours and then eventually to 1hour.
9) I may be back later to update my data for today and I may also be back to read over the last 30days data to see if I have changed due to the sub but if I dont no worries I need to learn to prioritise more and besides im not fussed as long as I play the sub and I change I dont care about reading over the past to see that change as long as some time in the next remaining 5months I realise the fear has gone completely as the sub promises to do.
10) Finally, to speed up my time ive realised im not writing in the same way today but more focused and concisely thus these numbered bullet points which is nice.
Day 32 ON - Saturday 19 June - ON#1 - part 2
1) Got on with the next task on my todo list. Got that out of the way. Nothing else for the rest of the day.
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Day 33 ON - Sun 20 June - ON#2
1) Got to bed at 8, fell asleep around 8.30-9pm.
Woke at 6am due to alarm, snoozed and slept longer. Woke at 8am.
Goal was as the last 2 previous days to sleep and wake anytime between 5-6 but was extra tired this time. I only got up at 8am after waking naturally as I wanted to wake early and not mess the success of waking early ive had for the past 2 days otherwise I know I wouldve stayed in bed till even 1pm probably.
2) had breakfast, and felt okay but now feeling tired. Time is 11.28am whilst typing this.
3) Cant recall if I had any dreams etc.
4) Been feeling tired as stated and lazy and putting off the continuation of the task I had started yesterday. Im procrastinating on it as mentally it seems boring, tedious, repetitive etc but I know it has to be done today to continue with daily improvements in my goals, even if incremental.
Ill get on with it so may return later.