Day 41/180 ON #2- MON 28 June - part3
1) Been restless, agitated and whenever ive battled and regained some composure ive soon enough lost it again.
2) Im just glad and looking forward to a rest day rather than another day of sub
Day 42/180 OFF #1- Tues 29 June
So yesterday for me was a big big deal as due to how I felt it was evident that the sub is working and I am executing. So day 40 im more proactive and less procrastinating on just everyday tasks and chores and on day 41 im listening in the day and feeling irritation and chaos. So I cant wait to really push this sub as far as I can to get where I need to be on day 180.
23% complete. If I simply take this as a linear progression then wow I still have 4 more of these yet to complete. (approx)
Anyway on to today....
1) Got to bed around 1am, watched shows/internet until I slept around 3.30-3.45am.
2) Woke at 9am and unlike other mornings this time I stayed awake and fought the urge to fall back to sleep. I went to the bathroom, returned back to bed and stayed awake with the help of Youtube.
3) At 1 point during watching a youtube video i actually remarked to myself something on the lines of "what on earth am I doing wasting my time like this". It was new for me, as if I had broken through the 4th wall as they say in the movies and was speaking to myself in the 3rd person. As if I was having a conversation with myself rather than simply having a fleeting thought.
4) Finally got out of bed after an hour and then made and ate breakfast and put the laundry on (washing machine).
5) I saw i had a few minutes spare until 1pm so decided to log on and check emails and this forum and thus here I am now am (1.08pm).
6) I woke feeling fine, of course I was fighting to stay awake since I only slept less than normal but otherwise I dont feel the chaos and angst of yesterday, well not so far. I have the desire to get on with things today as yesterday was spent procrastinating A LOT due to the irritated feeling I had. Not a full 100% full steam ahead, warp speed at maximum kind of light speed 88MPH motivation but the desire to act is still something
So basically not playing the sub has been a welcome to reset my mind from yesterdays turmoil.
Day 42/180 OFF #1- Tues 29 June - part 2
1) Ive been productive today. Not scary academic studying (lets not jump the gun and get carried away here) however I had a to do list for today of 2 items, and first was done then the 2nd is still being done (11.25pm current time) but ive been at it all day.
There have been moments where I lost momentum but then I got back onto it again.
A stark contrast to yesterday which made me wonder that could the irritation have been due to me sitting at my desk for 3hours (3 loops length) to not obscure the sub as it played on my phone and this sitting in 1 place caused my irritation perhaps? Maybe but nevertheless today has been less irritating and whenever I lost momentum I got up and moved and did something else then returned or simply allowed my distraction to take my mind away from the mental fatigue.
Either way i also have a self imposed deadline on my mind and this has caused me to be much more pro-active today but that has been possible due to the lack of chaos as felt yesterday.
2) I havent felt anything else except at 1 or 2 times today some jealousy due to some news from friends. I wont share the news here that is irrelevant but I noticed the jealousy and no idea if its from fear or not.
Addendum:
Im kinda losing the motivation now a little to carry on. I feel like the ratio of focus : distraction, has flipped for me now and im unable to focus as long lol.
Day 43/180 OFF #2- Wed 30 June
So today is 2nd day off, another day of not listening so what happened....
1) Got to bed early around 1am (early for me) and yet didnt want to sleep until 3.34am which is when I drifted off.
2) I woke at 8am and was pleased but 30seconds later I fell asleep again.
3) I finally woke at 11am, later than I had hoped and planned. I then went online on my phone as I tried to wake up. I wasted alot of time both online and then on a long phone call.
However at 1 point I recall scrolling through a website and then getting some thoughts about the past and things that I missed out on and the future and the present and got sad and then a little teary.... eye got wetter than normal but no tear came out so basically I got emotional.
This is odd and totally random and I composed myself quickly and easily. I dont know if this was the sub but it was sudden and sponatenous.
4) After that had the phone call etc and felt back to normal again.
5) time is 2.39pm not feeling hungry for breakfast or lunch or any food so waiting until I do and thought id come on update my journal for now.
6) Im not really looking forward to playing the sub tomorrow. Not excited by it. This could be resistance. I think sticking to 3 loops for a while before considering increasing the intensity makes sense however the days off are needed. I think in the past trying to stick to a heavy schedule of sub listening lead to stress for me and this 2 days off and 2 days on seems to be managable but since 3 loops ive not clearly felt as chilled as usual.
You are mentioning laying awake and falling asleep later than planned a lot. Do you have a bedtime routine? Nothing fancy, just some steps that you repeat every night. It helps to signal to your body that it's time to unwind and sleep.
On day 40 you also mentioned watching tv and youtube before sleeping. Screentime before sleep messes with your body chemistry (blue light from monitors, makes your body suppress melatonin. Melatonin regulates sleep-cycle.). So it would be best to avoid any screens about 30 min before sleeping. If that's not possible you can use software to filter out the blue light, like f.lux on PC or low blue light mode on android.
I try to do both. If I fail the cut-off time, the software still got my back
Hope this helps
MM
(06-30-2021, 05:07 AM)MegaMan Wrote: [ -> ]You are mentioning laying awake and falling asleep later than planned a lot. Do you have a bedtime routine? Nothing fancy, just some steps that you repeat every night. It helps to signal to your body that it's time to unwind and sleep.
On day 40 you also mentioned watching tv and youtube before sleeping. Screentime before sleep messes with your body chemistry (blue light from monitors, makes your body suppress melatonin. Melatonin regulates sleep-cycle.). So it would be best to avoid any screens about 30 min before sleeping. If that's not possible you can use software to filter out the blue light, like f.lux on PC or low blue light mode on android.
I try to do both. If I fail the cut-off time, the software still got my back
Hope this helps
MM
Thanks a lot @
MegaMan. All you have said I have used to planned to use. The issue for me seems to be when im derailed. So before day 40 not sure when I was following a set routine, using flux on laptop and blue light filter and twilight on my phone however then had an exam and that exam caused me to give up and derail my efforts. Its as if the stress of it got to me and I needed a break which set me back to my usual poor routine.
I need to get into the right routine again asap but I dunno why im unable to do it.
And thank you for reading and following my journal as all help is appreciated bro!
Day 43/180 OFF #2- Wed 30 June - Part 2
1) So ive been trying to get on with as much as I can today as I gave myself a self made deadline for 1 task that I set myself.
This 1 task has grown and so It wont be completed today but ive been trying to get on with it. My focus and concentration have been up and down. Not the irritation of days ago though but its been hard to get into the flow or maintain the flow at times.
2) That being said I suddenly google searched and found online lectures for my subject and this has really made me happy - its a coincidence that ive come across this as I never have before so ive emailed them to see if they cater for all the information that I need.
3) Now stopped I think for the evening, its 11.15pm and I dont want to do any more and so making a pizza in the oven and will relax to a tv show.
4) Whilst writing this post I had the thought of increasing the sub to 4 loops due to doubt of whether im fully executing or just scraping at the surface. But my rationality had kicked in and I know that for now lets see how 3 loops goes and then ill seek advice before moving things any further.
Day 44/180 ON #1- Thurs 1 July
1) went to bed late so no surprise there and woke around 10.45am and as usual lingered for around an hour then got out of bed.
2) I listened ofcourse but woke as if I hadnt. I mean i felt refreshed, I felt fine. I call this bliss as there was no tiredness or turmoil or anything. I literally feel as if I hadnt listened to the sub at all and that is when I think shall I increase the intensity. I wont but still its confusing.
Day 44/180 ON #1- Thurs 1 July - part 2
1) been on a call all day with a female and so that took over everything thus very little of all else done but getting on with tasks.... so is this procrastination no idea or just perhaps life.
2) Nothing else to report i feel as if I listened to no sub today. 3 loops is like ive listened to no loops lol
You don't have to "feel it", for it to work. Most of the time I didn't feel anything from MLS4. Every few days I just noticed the new results and it was amazing.
Sending relaxed vibes
MM
(07-01-2021, 02:32 PM)MegaMan Wrote: [ -> ]You don't have to "feel it", for it to work. Most of the time I didn't feel anything from MLS4. Every few days I just noticed the new results and it was amazing.
Sending relaxed vibes
MM
Oh i see, thank you bro! :
I think its just cos ive not seen anything that im eager to see something anything but something but yeah its something I may only see once a month even perhaps.
the 3 loops may be the sweet spot for me and this ive only just started so it will take a while yet I suppose.
Thank you ill try not to get to glued on trying to feel for change.
Day 45/180 ON #2- Fri 2 July
1) Had to shower and it was very late when I did and finally got to bed and slept I think around 4.30am or 5am.
2) Set alarm for 10.30am and when they went off kept snoozing and cancelling (I set many alarms) as waking up though I tried was a struggle. I was waking up for a delivery of a food processor in my endeavour to eat better and the driver called which woke me again at around 11.50am and now he wont even deliver today but tomorrow.
3) Yes I dreamed. As usual when I have broken or less than optimal sleep then I tend to realise I woke from a dream. This dream is hard to recall accurately but even harder to convey into words. Suffice to say I was dating a girl and I think she was part of the mob in some way lol Thats really all i can say or add. How is this related to OF if it even is is well anybody's guess lol
4) I however yesterday before the shower after the hours long phonecall got into gear and just ticked 1 thing after another from my task/todo list. I was able to give it a short burst of willpower it seems.
5) Today however im sleepy and sluggish. I dealt with supermarket grocery delivery which was cleaned, disinfected and put away and then had breakfast was a sugar laden cereal and toast resulting in what is now the lack of sleep plus food coma....a double whammy!
6) im sipping on tea and trying nay struggling to get proactive and thus coming on here to do my journal is the first step to recovery... as I stand up and say I Jake 2015 am tired and slow today....they say admitting is the first step to recovery right haha
anyway so ill try and get more proactive.
ohhh and point 7) after 3 loops though my sleep etc is poor the actual fallout from listening is nill pwa (from eurovision, translated into standardised english as No Points) meaning 3 loops seems to be subtle and unnoticeable.
I am getting little thoughts of increasing more, whether that means increase to 3 on days (which I prefer not doing) or 4 loops which also seems too much for me but this may not be autoconfig but just my own desires to sense, feel and see that the sub is working by reacting to it.
Ahh thats the term ive been seeking. Im looking for reactions from me due to the sub to see more clearly that it is working, or that I am executing and not stonewalling and thus gain more confidence, trust and certainty. I think 6 years of stonewalling has led to doubts ofcourse.
8) just remembered that as I was walking towards my kitchen, behind the door on the floor under the heating radiator was a tiny almost cute spider. It froze in fear. I saw it and initially did a double take, who wouldnt right, but then realised it was small and posed no threat to me so killing it was evil and rather I would let it live. I then went towards it and it moved a little so I used my feet (protected i must say within footwear, known as trainers/sneakers) to stomp closer to it to make it scuttle away under the radiator and hopefully to cause it enough fear to know coming out is not safe for him/her/they/it or whatever the pronouns are for spiders these days.
That aside what I wanted to say was that as i got closer even though i knew the spider posed no real danger to me, I still had a reaction. I am wearing shorts today and I felt goosebumps come alive, to red alert all the way from my shins to my quads. I then realised that rather than it being a gust of wind, clearly it was he who shall be named..... the dreaded master of evil, spells and illusion himself..... subconscious fear.
You're making progress. It's evident in the tone of your posts. They're less frantic than I recall them being in the past.
Don't drive yourself crazy overthinking everything. There will be peaks and valleys along the way. That's part of the journey.
You're doing a good job with execution. Keep going.
(07-02-2021, 07:02 AM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ]You're making progress. It's evident in the tone of your posts. They're less frantic than I recall them being in the past.
Don't drive yourself crazy overthinking everything. There will be peaks and valleys along the way. That's part of the journey.
You're doing a good job with execution. Keep going.
Thank you very much Nomad just what I needed to hear bro, appreciate it Cap!!