Subliminal Talk

Stage 1 Day 23 (30)

Wow, 30th day of NoFap. In the past that would be like an impossible milestone, now it's just yet another day, move along. It's sad though that it doesn't give me much joy. I should be proud and boasting, instead I'm just tired.

Work-wise it's been the weakest day for me so far this month. I did good but I had this hard task to do that needed to be done and, like I'm sure many of you know, this causes attack of procrastination. It's worse that normal because you cannot do anything else work related as you have an important task but that task is the last think you wanna do... Ultimately I did this but I'm serious, my hands began to tremble from stress when I sat down to it. Fight or flight reaction cause by stupid order which took me 1.5h in total.

I'll be leaving for my mom's tomorrow and I don't know for how long. I may be that only for the weekend, or maybe for an entire week. We'll see. What is interesting is that ever since my dad's gone I hated to go there, now due to how out of whack LTU makes me I almost view it as an sanctuary. I'm sure it's a fiction and I will hate it once I'm there, but nevertheless I'm surprised by that.

And last but not least my dream(s)... I have dreamed of my sweetheart today. I mentioned her some time ago on my past journal and semi-regularly I talk about her. Long story short I was in love with her almost 10 years ago, got rejected but somehow I still end up thinking about her every now and then. Plus we work in the same building so pre-corona we'd bump into each other a couple times per year, mostly ending with simple hellos.

In my dreams she was always dismissive, like she was not noticing me or pretending not to. Like she wanted nothing to do with me. This year she'd often be merry and talkative, if not to me directly then to my those close to me. She'd be even helpful. That being said I'd be very passive. In today's dream I was active, reaching out to her. She was perhaps not dismissive but not trusting. Not "leave me alone" but "what do you want" in this sincere and not passive-aggressive way.

I wonder if dreams like that are just dreams or maybe they mean something. Given everything there may be something to it, but still I calculate my chances of her wanting to reconnect with me to be 0%. And do I even want this, after such a long time do I know her anymore? But there are interesting parallels between me and her and my friend and my ex. If they could get back together...

Stage 1 Day 24 (31)

I'm at my mom's and already regretting it. OK, maybe it's a little unfair but... I don't know, I just don't feel well here. On the other hand I want this kind of reset change of setting provides and I can afford to spend here anything between 2 and 9 days with full flexibility, being fed prime home foods and with ability to remote work without interruption when my mom goes to work herself. So while first impression is so so there are reasons to be optimistic.

Just remind me to play LTU on my work laptop instead of my gaming one tomorrow, OK?

On more serious note I have a thought I wanna share. I don't remember when I came across this, must have been during one of those periods when I'd research occult, the most recent one being in June. There was this idea how we are slaves to our parents as we are their offspring not only physically via DNA, but also through upbringing, humors, etc. Slave not in direct sense, but more in the same sense as we are slaves to out bodies. Here I find it more true than anywhere else.

But also find it kinda scary how my dad's death affected me. Still, after 1.5 years there is this aura of loss in here. But what I got was not mourning but will to fight. More than ever, more than when he was alive, I want him to be proud of me. This is why I was and still am on self-improvement (and LTU5 and now 6 aid me). It's like it's the last thing I have from him. He couldn't do this while he lived but now he's my greatest motivation. When I tell you that I love myself and when I fail there is this voice in my head saying it's fine and I will do better next time and it's about growth? I'm not sure if that's me or him sometimes.

I'll be honest. My dad was a great person and a great father, he provided me with everything I needed and more. But he made a lot of mistakes when raising me. The last months almost feel like me raising myself sometimes, me myself manning up as my dad couldn't do it because he was too soft or too scared. But there was not a person who had ever loved me more than him. And the thought that I could waste that love, that he could look down from wherever he is and say he's disappointed... That's crushing. And that's one of the reasons for my great successes in the past months.

It's just a shame I don't feel him in here. I feel vacuum left after him, but not him. That voice might be the only thing I have truly left. I shall cherish it.

(09-04-2020, 03:49 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]...that he could look down from wherever he is and say he's disappointed... That's crushing. And that's one of the reasons for my great successes in the past months.

I have every bit of faith that if he's watching you, he's proud that you're investing the time and effort to better yourself. Keep it up, man. 

I won't make any further comments on this to avoid any Rule #4 violations, but I read your post and I felt in my heart that I needed to respond.

(09-04-2020, 04:36 PM)NOMAD Wrote: [ -> ]

(09-04-2020, 03:49 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]...that he could look down from wherever he is and say he's disappointed... That's crushing. And that's one of the reasons for my great successes in the past months.

I have every bit of faith that if he's watching you, he's proud that you're investing the time and effort to better yourself. Keep it up, man. 

I won't make any further comments on this to avoid any Rule #4 violations, but I read your post and I felt in my heart that I needed to respond.

Thanks, I appreciate that. It's not easy to talk about this stuff but I feel like I needed to. It's good to know it connects with others.

Stage 1 Day 25 (32)

Thankfully I remembered to play the sub on my other laptop. It's so weird that soon I'll be switching to Stage 2, I'd swear it was last week when I started running LTU6...

My plan for reset kinda works. We'll see how I will fare when my mom goes to work and I have 9 hours only for myself, but so far yeah, it works. Obviously I may revert to my old habits once I'm back in the city but it's obvious and something I'll be mindful of.

I did some clean up in my self-improvement progress apps. I removed all those habit trackers that score 99% as I no longer need them and they will only make me sad or mad then I'll fail them because I need to prioritize other stuff. Also I've tweaked a couple of other stuff. In all honesty my number one goal for once I'm back in the city will be to figure out how to change my focus towards work and social interactions without loosing all the good habits like working out and reading books I've developed due to Corona.

Also, as for my mom, she seems... better? I don't know exactly what it is but she seems to deal better with life than she did a couple months ago. I'll write more on this if I figure it out but at this moment I'm just happy for her. I think she still have miles to go, but given everything she went through these past years I count all the small blessings. It's easy for me to demand much from her as if she was 30 and not 60. What I consider and excuse for her might be a genuine concern and I have no way of knowing this.

Stage 1 Day 27 (34)

I was meaning to write yesterday, but I didn't. I was meaning to do this today, but I'm unwilling. There are too many thoughts and ideas going through my head it's hard to decide what to even write about. I don't wanna somber this thread with endless posts about my parents for the next week.

Let's make a deal. Tomorrow is my last day on this stage. If my calculations are right on Friday I'll be starting a new stage. So, feel free to ask me any and all questions. I don't care if you want to compare and contrast our experiences or you're just curious. Ask away and I will respond as plainly as possible. I know my responses seem to be... interesting, but that's mainly because this journal is a nice place for my prosaic outpouring.

Remind me to talk about House, M.D. one of these days, ok?

I can relate to having too many ideas to write on, and which one is important. For myself, I've tended to rely on fears to push me this way or that to make the decision, but the FRM is working against that aim for me, which is good. For now, I find I write best first thing in the morning--before I've listened to fearful thoughts surfacing-- or right after work--when my fears around men can fall away.

I'm kind of glad I wrote that, as a constant fear around men is showing up. (I think) I'm unsure of why I get fearful, but it mirrors childhood beliefs I've had and carried. Maybe this is being worked on in me, which is probably why I'm thinking on it. That awareness feels good, for this stage has been VERY active in me. Being aware of things I usually hide from myself makes me think I'm closer to being free from it. In short, I'm becoming much more aware of the mental and emotional blinders I wear on a daily basis.

Did you have any awarenesses pop up during this last month?
What's your main (desired) focus on LTU6 so far?
Do you feel hopeful going forward?

(09-07-2020, 02:38 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]I can relate to having too many ideas to write on, and which one is important.  For myself, I've tended to rely on fears to push me this way or that to make the decision, but the FRM is working against that aim for me, which is good.  For now, I find I write best first thing in the morning--before I've listened to fearful thoughts surfacing-- or right after work--when my fears around men can fall away.  

I'm kind of glad I wrote that, as a constant fear around men is showing up.  (I think) I'm unsure of why I get fearful, but it mirrors childhood beliefs I've had and carried.  Maybe this is being worked on in me, which is probably why I'm thinking on it.  That awareness feels good, for this stage has been VERY active in me.  Being aware of things I usually hide from myself makes me think I'm closer to being free from it.  In short, I'm becoming much more aware of the mental and emotional blinders I wear on a daily basis.

Did you have any awarenesses pop up during this last month?
What's your main (desired) focus on LTU6 so far?
Do you feel hopeful going forward?

As for the theme of fear - I'm not sure. I feels like I'm being stripped of my excuses that we borne one way or the other from the fear. I cannot say I'm more "courageous" though, so far I don't think I've made any decisions that would be extraordinary for the past me. But then I'm more interested in the process than giant leaps and there were no opportunities to speak of, so...

Did you have any awarenesses pop up during this last month? I'm not sure what you mean. So far I didn't have any grand revelations and no pop-ups except for existential angst every now and then There is this dream-like quality to things I described some time ago, so maybe it counts?  

What's your main (desired) focus on LTU6 so far? I'm going back to work in October and I want to be well prepared for it. Also I wanna keep all the profits of the habits I've developed the past 6 months. But the greatest focus is emotional by far. I've been writing recently about my dad and I've been thinking (more subconsciously than on purpose) about that sweetheart of mine, my last heartbreak that I still didn't got over completely even though it happened like 8-9 years ago. I try not to set to much focus though, I'd rather just play the sub and see where it leads me. You cannot force healing like that, I don't think at least.

So, the focus is dealing with loss and inability to control everything, especially other people? You're guess is as good as mine to be honest.

Do you feel hopeful going forward? Hell yes! Perhaps hopeful is a bad word, more like curious. In the past I'd watch out for what curved balls life would send me, now I think things will be more optimistic. These past few months proved to me that I can use and thrive even in bad circumstances like Corona BS. I've used this time to prepare myself, I've been training my body, mind and soul and the next months will be the time to reap the fruit of this work. Add LTU6 to it and yes, I am hopeful. Not in a sense that things will magically be alright, but that there will be a lot of unexpected, both good and bad, and I'm sure I'll be able to make the most out of these situations.

Stage 1 Day 29 (36)

I'm itching to start the new stage. Now yet Mystic, not yet, be patient.

I wanna write some kind of summary of my love life on this journal, mostly because I need a venue to write my thoughts down and an opportunity to analyze this and the role that sweetheart of mine plays in this. It's not gonna be easy but it might be necessary. I'll have some time tomorrow so I'll try to do this before the new stage starts. Lots to talk about my expectations, NoFap, my past mistakes and what I can look for in the future.

As for House, M.D... I wanted to write about this TV show because it's important for me. When it was airing I was in High School and I was using it to teach myself English - you have no idea how well watching with subtitles will teach you. However I did not watch it all to the end and imagine my surprise when YT in proposed videos send me essay about House. Watching it reminded me of how I liked this character. Way back when I imagined myself being like him when I'd be older - cynical and jaded but respected for his skills and knowledge. Now that I'm not that edgy I don't see the appeal so much. Maybe it's because I've watched it in an essay format but I seem to see through his mask now and how fragile he was behind his persona. I think this is this kind of lesson that comes with life - cynicism is not something cool, it's both defense and coping mechanism.

Tell that to 14 years old me though. Everybody lies, I'd answer.

Stage 1 Day 30 (37)

If there is one thing I hate about myself and I would change if I only could it would be to become able to wake up easily. As long as I don't HATE TO wake up at a given hour I will go back to sleep. All the trumpets of the High Heavens can drum into my ears, I will wake up and go back to sleep a moment later, barely remembering if at all that this miracle had happened.

Starting today and especially this October this no longer will do. If I had learned anything these past months it's the power of habit. And so I will work hard to make waking up early and regularly as my habit. Without my productivity will be low. Without it my time management will be poor. I may hate myself for it but it needs to be done. Wish me luck as this might be my biggest challenge yet.

Stage 2 Day 1 (38)

I played LTU through the night today and damn, I feel useless. I don't have any motivation to do anything. I think it means the next stage is working, or at the very least it's doing something. I hope this will not lead to me doing something stupid like breaking my NoFap streak, one lousy day is enough to break such a nice score.

I had two dreams today, at least two I can remember. One was about me writing to that friend of mine who hooked up with my ex. Her wrote back to me that he's busy as he's having sex right now (hmmm, OK?) and he's having sexual problems - apparently his tool don't work so well. The second one was me with my female friend, we were sitting and doing something and then we started making out as if our lives depended on it. I started to play with her clit, I think she had an orgasm but I couldn't go quite further than that because I felt guilty as she has a boyfriend.

I have no idea what to make of these dreams. As for the second one it's a trope, I often dream about making out with that particular girl.

That reminds me of kind-of-a-dream I had about my sweetheart a couple of days ago. I don't know exactly what that was, it might have been a dream. I couldn't fall asleep so I was laying in bed trying to make my thoughts flow. I started to think about her and played out the entire future I wish to have, from meeting her and asking her out for a coffee to me telling her in bed how I want to spend the rest of my life with her. It must have took maybe 10-12 scenes if that was a movie. It felt like something between imagination and memory - more crisp and real that a fantasy but more flat and featureless than a recollection. Anyhow when I was tired of it or maybe something distracted me I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. I thought 10 minutes tops had passed. It was 2 hours.

If it's useful - I've been encountering this uselessness feeling a lot and it's really helped to consider this just the condition in which to develop the ability to conjure up motivation and energy. As a result I've kicked off my journaling habit and started using conscious means of keeping myself moving , mainly by listing in my mind the times I persevered and pushed through. It doesn't make me feel amazing but I get through the challenges in front of me that way and it feels great after. In short overcoming these valleys though force of will/some personal effort feels great, makes the end result all the more sweet.

That being said I broke my nofap today ha, but overcame a bunch of other shit which didn't seem likely.

(09-11-2020, 04:43 AM)Darwin Wrote: [ -> ]If it's useful - I've been encountering this uselessness feeling a lot and  it's really helped to consider this just the condition in which to develop the ability to conjure up motivation and energy. As a result I've kicked off my journaling habit and started using conscious means of keeping myself moving , mainly by listing in my mind the times I persevered and pushed through. It doesn't make me feel amazing but I get through the challenges in front of me that way and it feels great after. In short overcoming these valleys though force of will/some personal effort feels great, makes the end result all the more sweet.

That being said I broke my nofap today ha, but overcame a bunch of other shit which didn't seem likely.

You're right, one must push through it, there is nothing else to be done. Still, my default way to do it is to indulge in one of those old habits of mine that make me feel like I'm doing something useful but I'm treading in place instead.

Stage 2 Day 2 (39)

Today I managed to do surprisingly much work and some more useful stuff on top of that. What I was lacking these past months in my life seems to be music. Surprisingly when I listen to music, be it during work or reading, I'm much less distracted and it's easier to keep focus on the task. I feel dumb for not thinking about this earlier :/

Tomorrow I'm going back to the city and for the first time since my dad died I don't feel like I'm being choked in here. There's more, I almost want to stay here for longer! I don't know, maybe it's because my mom was at work most time I was awake... The facts remains, something has changed with my attitude towards my home.

Stage 2 Day 12 (2)

I hate this stage. It leaves me exhausted and anxious. I feel like every hole, no, every fold even of my brain is being mindf***ed hardcore style without lube by the sub.

Like seriously, I'm so tired at this point. I'm trying to brave this through and power until it's over but I'm not getting much better. Tomorrow I'm supposed to start this sub again and I dread it.

At the same time though, when I ask myself if I wanna run this sub the answer is that it's a shame this stage is not 3 months long! LTU is doing something right to be sure, it's just that, compared to LTU5 or the first stage of 6, it's so balls-to-the-wall.

Failure of NoFap streak not withstanding an interesting example are these flashbacks. You that that feeling when you're reminded of something shameful or stupid you did or said in the past. Well, I get these a couple of times a day, 2-3 on average.

Add to that that I cannot fall asleep because my mind is hyperactive and I cannot wake up because I'm exhausted by my job and workouts. BTW I'm doing well with my work hours goals, however my productivity is kinda poor as I make lots of mistakes and poor judgments.

I'd describe my current status as this - I'm okay physically, I'm okay emotionally, I'm okay financially, I'm okay socially etc., however mentally I'm a sinking ship. Where was that me from a month ago, sharp as a razor's edge and feeling life is magical?

This stage is definitely tough. It'll be interesting to see how Stage 3 goes.