Subliminal Talk

Stage 3 Day 16 (0)

What a weird day. If yesterday I didn't know what to write about, today there is too much. So I'll try to say as little as possible and dispense with my wisdoms with time.

I've been extremely productive today, I found out my anxieties were unwarranted and the issue I was upset about is trivial, also I found out I'm completely decoupled from events in my nation and that I don't care much about it. Oh, and I'm more and more convinced I need change and I need to take my chances, even if that might be scary preposition and I will most likely regret it.

And I've been listening to this song on repeat.

Quote:I tried to find a way to bury all the pain
But these skeletons, these skeletons, these skeletons
Won't sleep.
You gave me clarity and showed me how to free
These skeletons, these skeletons, these skeletons in me.
These skeletons in me.
These skeletons in me.

Stage 3 Day 17 (0)

Weird day again, not as much as the last one though. I took a day off pretty much, ended up spending 4 hours on zoom calls and maintenance work anyway... Oh well.

I find I need to take such a slow days simply because I'd burn out and my creativity would suffer. Some ideas need time to ripen. Also, unlike before, I don't feel guilty about it. By now, with summer break far in the past, I've figured out my path for the next months and I have a rough timetable. I know when I'll have to speed things up and when I can let myself slide. Tomorrow and on Thursday will be hard work days for sure (unless my body says no and alarm clock won't wake me up) but today I had to think through some ideas how to approach problems I'm facing at work. Kinda work in the background I guess.

Overall I seem happier than before on this sub. With each day I seem to figure out better what I wanna do, what is possible and how to get there. My energy is being spend more efficiently, on the stuff I care about. For example it's so much easier for me to wake up right now. How it feels like is that week or two ago my mind was spinning with ideas but I couldn't follow them for one reason or another - now though these ideas consolidated, those that are worthwhile and realistic survived and I'll be trying to study them and follow them.

Stage 3 Day 22 (0)

I haven't posted in some time. More often than not it means that things are going bad and while it's not Stage 2 bad, it is quite bad. I feel so-so. My sleep schedule got thrown into trash bin as I woke up at 3 AM and couldn't get back down - 3:30 I decided to get up and took a nap around noon. That throw away all my productivity as I was tired but not sleepy. Oh well, it's Sunday, I can be lazy.

What's tragic is that I'm gaining weight. And in a scary rate, if my calculations are correct of around 1kg per week. Most of that I hope is water that I'll be able to somehow get rid off, but some of it is fat for sure. I eat more as I'm hungry more. I spend less time on exercise as I'm busy with work and less on walks as its cold and days are short. I don't know what to do and I'm panicking right now that all the progress I had with LTU5 with go down the drain because of this. I'm sure that if I let it continue I'll get to some kind of equilibrium and my weight will stabilize but I don't want that. I wanna be slim goddamn!

I say this rarely if not never but this is true now - I hate myself for gaining weight. And given I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what more I could do without sacrificing other stuff is tragic. I feel bloated, I'm scared of stepping on the scales, I hate myself and I want to go back to LTU5.

Stage 3 Day 24 (0)

Anger is a good thing sometimes. I'm using it right now, with mixed results.

So I sat back and considered what I was doing wrong that led me to gaining weight again. This is what I've found:
- Limiting nicotine. I was still vaping but with like trace amounts of nicotine, I went back up. I don't think it's that important but it might be - my dad gained 20kg or so when he quit. I don't like this but I can quit later on when I'm happy with my weight again.
- More walking. Now, that will require me to change my schedule and I don't know how I'll be able to be productive after 10k walk if I am to do it in the morning, but people jog and are fine and so will I. It will be tricky to turn this into a habit, but I'll manage.
- More exercise. I've been using work as an excuse not to exercise as much and it was a mistake. Last 2 days I've proven myself I can do both. If anything this puts me into an interesting state of mind, extremely motivated.
- Eat less. Daaa... I was eating more as I was hungry more and I was not limiting myself. I thought this will be fine, apparently not. Going back down to the summer levels.
- Stop eating bread. In September I stated to buy myself bread again, I used to substitute it with rice waffles. Back to bread-free diet.

We'll have to wait to see if these steps will bring results. I hope they will. I don't know what I'll do if they don't.

The problem is I'm straining myself. Between eating less, working and exercising more and difficulties falling asleep I am extremely low energy now. Thankfully I can force my way through this fatigue, but for how long?

I can feel your anger. It gives you focus, makes you stronger.

Stage 3 Day 25 (0)

I felt like death today. I woke up, had to visit my workplace and attend some zoom meetings and after a lunch a fell asleep again. The entire day I had problems with concentration. Sleep issues, lower calories intake and less sunlight kick me bad right now.

At least all this effort seems to bear fruit. I feel optimistic and when I finally fix my stupid biological clock so I am able to fall asleep when I'm supposed to I think I can keep on this lifestyle until March or so.

I hope I'll feel better tomorrow. I have some work to do and while nothing bad will happen if I skip it I don't wanna throw excuses at my boss. My energy management feels like a crappy strategy game right now. I wish I could play it on an easy mode.

Oh, and I just sneezed. Maybe I'm getting sick.

(11-04-2020, 02:18 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Stage 3 Day 25 (0)

I felt like death today. I woke up, had to visit my workplace and attend some zoom meetings and after a lunch a fell asleep again. The entire day I had problems with concentration. Sleep issues, lower calories intake and less sunlight kick me bad right now.

At least all this effort seems to bear fruit. I feel optimistic and when I finally fix my stupid biological clock so I am able to fall asleep when I'm supposed to I think I can keep on this lifestyle until March or so.

I hope I'll feel better tomorrow. I have some work to do and while nothing bad will happen if I skip it I don't wanna throw excuses at my boss. My energy management feels like a crappy strategy game right now. I wish I could play it on an easy mode.

Oh, and I just sneezed. Maybe I'm getting sick.

 Ever tried "Sun-lamps" those ,you know like the people in orgeon and washington state use for seasonal winter blues?  Himalayan Glow Small Ionic Natural Salt Crystal Lamp or similar in a search,might help along the way.... its a though. hope ya feel better ,soon.

(11-04-2020, 02:32 PM)ncbeareatingman Wrote: [ -> ]

(11-04-2020, 02:18 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Stage 3 Day 25 (0)

I felt like death today. I woke up, had to visit my workplace and attend some zoom meetings and after a lunch a fell asleep again. The entire day I had problems with concentration. Sleep issues, lower calories intake and less sunlight kick me bad right now.

At least all this effort seems to bear fruit. I feel optimistic and when I finally fix my stupid biological clock so I am able to fall asleep when I'm supposed to I think I can keep on this lifestyle until March or so.

I hope I'll feel better tomorrow. I have some work to do and while nothing bad will happen if I skip it I don't wanna throw excuses at my boss. My energy management feels like a crappy strategy game right now. I wish I could play it on an easy mode.

Oh, and I just sneezed. Maybe I'm getting sick.

 Ever tried "Sun-lamps" those ,you know like the people in orgeon and washington state use for seasonal winter blues?  Himalayan Glow Small Ionic Natural Salt Crystal Lamp or similar in a search,might help along the way.... its a though. hope ya feel better ,soon.

No, I haven't. I stick to walks and vitamin D supplements. I live on similar latitude (or longitude, I never remember which is which) as these states, but as it's Europe climate is much warmer and less humid (thank you kindly Golfstrom). Maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea ever, I'll keep it in my mind, thanks

Stage 3 Day 26 (0)

I've wasted entire day of work due to stupid mistakes. 3 or so stupid, avoidable mistakes. Maybe it's not really wasted as now I'm wiser, but I feel angry and tired at myself. When I work I tend to simply go from task to task if I have something planned to do or just try things out when I need to be creative. Today I got mad and obsessed, for 6 hours or so I was agigated, the strange feeling of adrenaline's fight or flights response forcing me to keep on going. Once I finally found a solution I called it a day as I could finally relax and go for a walk.

I care too much about it, this is why I need to change the job :/

Stage 3 Day 27 (0)

Had to take a day off because I felt so bad. LTU really pushes me hard right now to the point I'm willing to disregard my limits and I'm paying the price for this. I even had to convince myself that it would be OK not to work on Saturday. And I won't, I will be as lazy as possible and I will be regaining my strength.

The mentality of "do this or this is resistance and self-sabotage" really is not working right now. I want too much too fast. Prioritizing is hard as everything seems important (especially when I was already having it) and guilt over being worse than my past self is overbearing.

I need to be more clever about this but how do I distinguish between proper care and excuse?

I have this beautiful vision how in a years time I will have a new job, I'll be able a rest a flat all for myself and I'll be able to focus on anything I want. This is most probably faulty but it gives me hope and direction, and that is worth a lot. If you were to ask me during my LTU5 runs where do I see myself in a year's time I wouldn't be able to answer. Now I know perfectly well. And I almost hope my current plans go to shit as then I'll have to work hard at it knowing what I truly want now.

I don't like this stage but I like it for the courage in exploring new ideas.

Stage 3 Day 30 (0)

I asked my boss for a week off, I think he'll oblige. Physically I fell normally but mentally I'm in a bad place - my motivation is non-existent right now as I cannot focus on anything. While reading I skip lines and have to backtrack constantly. While working I just stare at the screen dumbfounded, not knowing what to do sometimes. Nothing I could come up with helped so I hope a week of lying on my ass will.

With two day break and start of stage 4 on Thursday I think this is a good time for summary of this stage. But again, it's hard for me to come up with anything coherent now. I'll just say what I said before - this stage overextended me, I tried to do too much too fast. In the past I would make plans, think what to focus on this month and after achieving this I'd move to some different focus. Now I wanted everything at once and I paid the price. And I cannot help but blame myself for this - lack of forgiveness and self-everything (love? appreciation? forgiveness?) was also a staple of this stage.

What I am thankful for however is that it made me look differently as some problems. A month ago I wouldn't be brave enough to quit my job, now it is almost set in stone. Month ago, seeing how I was gaining weight, I'd think it's fine and I will burn it all in Spring. Now I took action and lost some of the fat, not feeling bloated anymore and proving myself I can do it.

I just wish I had more energy guys. If I had more I could do more and maybe I wouldn't blame myself and overextend myself even further, leading me to the state I'm in.

Stage 4 Day 2 (0)

Feeling optimistic. This stage had been much gentler than stages 2 and 3 so far. From what I remember stage 3 started gentle as well, so we'll see how it goes.

Much of my optimistic outlook stems from my vacation. I said I asked my boos for a week off and he obliged. Sometimes one needs to hide his pride and recuperate and this was such a time for sure. I'm much sharper now, more motivated and eager for everything. I could do some work during the weekend but no, rest is rest and I'll start my struggles Monday morning. It doesn't mean I cannot work, it just means I will work only on stuff that brings me joy. It's such a shame I cannot focus on these when other stuff hangs on your shoulders as well.

On Tuesday I'll have an interview for that new job opportunity. Again, it will be just a scholarship and if I'll continue in that direction I'll start working for them properly next Autumn or late Summer. Anyhow there are good reasons to be optimistic on that front as well. The more research I do the more I like the prospects. This job will never become my passion like the old one, but it will be fun regardless. You also get this whole corporate safe zone vibe which is also interesting. While being white male being diabetic may give me some diversity quota there.

Interestingly when the HR person called to me I had all the schedule for interviews from their side free. I knew that interviews will be conducted entire next week (Mo-Fr) but I was surprised I can choose my own date and hour. I assume (or want to assume) my CV was on the very top of the list and they called me first or almost first. It's funny how with 0 experience in corporate world I can get far with my skills alone.

Don't wanna go in that direction in this post but I cannot help but wonder how many serendipitous things happened that led me to this path. How seemingly random stuff brought me to decisions that shape my fate now and how safer, more "ordinary" decisions might have give me so much less options now.

Stage 4 Day 6 (0)

I've just had that scholarship interview in the corpo. It went very well but still I'm nervous. To be honest little depends on the results as it doesn't land me a job, but the experience and some pocket change while I finish my previous work would be nice.

If I don't get it then my self-confidence will take a serious hit to be honest. I kinda almost hope this will happen as I'll be in uncomfortable situation and I'll have to fight my way out of this to feel like I have options again. That scholarship effort may or may not be giving me a false sense of security, but it's nice regardless.

Maybe I'm overreacting, I'm very well qualified and interview went very well. But that's an issue as well - what if I'm overqualified and they're looking for rookies to train?

Stage 4 Day 16 (1)

Sorry for not posting in a long time. I've been busy, then I got sick and now I'm slowly recovering, hoping beyond hope I'll be able to get back to work on Monday. It may or may not be covid, my temperature oscillates around 37-37.5 but what's weird is that my sinuses are fine while always they get blocked whenever I have cold. All I do now is I try to take good care of myself and rest a lot, so far it's working.

I got the scholarship, which is great. Again, it's nothing major but it will let me learn new stuff and experience new work environment which will make switch next year so much easier.

I feel bloated again, gaining weight again which is beyond frustrating. I don't eat that much but having 0 exercise this week while your organism is used to it may do this to you.

Stage 4 Day 32 (0)

I thought that at least at the end of the stage I'd post an update, in case anyone was worried that daily spammer went quiet. If anyone's asking I'm fine.

This whole month I was feeling sick on and off. Right now I feel almost fine but not enough to push myself to my limits. I want to though, which is frustrating. Lack of exercises and walks meant my metabolism slowed down significantly and I've gained some weight again. Thankfully other than that I've been even if spread out.

Overall this stage had been very good. My Autumn depression was practically over and I'm looking forward for days to become longer again. Frankly I'm overjoyed when I think that in not that long time Spring will come. While I've almost sleepwalked through Autumn, Winter and Spring promise much, much better.

My bigger problem right now is general dissatisfaction. The more time passes the more I'm self-assured that I'll be quitting my job in Summer, but until that point I feel directionless. Between COVID fiasco and the thought that I must finish all old projects but I there is no point in starting new ones... Like I said I feel like I was sleepwalking this whole Autumn and the reason was that I was in this strange transition period. And I'm still gonna be in it for the next 6-9 months mind you. Now however I've grown to accept this and my resolve is stronger.

I wonder what stage 5 will bring