Subliminal Talk

Stage 7 Day 78 (2)

What would you be doing if you never had to work for the rest of your life. What if you'd had guaranteed good life even if you were to lay in your bed all day. Would you still go to work because this is who you are? Would you go and travel the world? Maybe join some charity or other cause? Or would you grow lazy, bitter and lacking any purpose or goal.

I'm pondering this as my life situation is slowly clearing. Remember these two things I care about? Both of them failed. And while at the beginning it was crushing, now it's... obvious. Like with some many things in my life when I care about something it goes to crap. It's not that I have a bad life or that I'm a failure - rather it seems like all good things in my life came either easy (meaning there were easy for me, I did not fight for them) or by chance. When I fight, when I care, when I struggle for something, it goes to manure.

So, here I am, jobless in 5 months, seemingly with plenty of opportunities and promise but somehow feeling hopeless. And I wonder - what if I gave up. I have savings, my investments go nicely, maybe I don't need to work. I mean I don't even know what I'd like to do for a living. Turning my passion into a job burned me and sucked the life out of me. Other places I care about reject me left and right. I could step down from the pedestal, take more soul-crushing job. But do I even have to do that.

I don't know.

Last year, when COVID hit and the work stalled to a crawl I had a lot of time. I was in a situation when I was all alone, I had money and could do anything I wanted. I focused hardcore on self-improvement. And I was happy. Despite COVID Spring/Summer 2020 must have been one of the happiest times of my life. And now I'm miserable because I focus way too much on a job that sucks everything I have out of me and brings little in terms of satisfaction.

Part of me tells me that this is foolish, that I should have a job, buy a house and start a family like every other normal human being living middle-class dream. Other says screw it, you worked hard enough, live off of the fruit of your labor, add some contract work on the side every now and then and screw everything else. Follow your dreams and aspirations, don't go with the current the society sets for you.

It's a beautiful thought. This is something that keeps me going on through these trying times.

Stage 7 Day 81 (1)

It never ceases to impress me how much faith my mother puts to me. It's humbling. Like I am put into shoes way beyond my size.

I was talking with her about these doubts and problems I have described here recently. It's clear how much more pressure I put into myself compared to what she expects. Whatever will happen, whatever I'll do she's sure I will do what's right and does not have expectations. I won't be able to find a job I'll enjoy? Fine, take a break, develop new skills and try again. I'm thinking about starting own business with no experience? Fine, you'll do well I'm sure.

If only I were this sure. I oscillate between two states now - I'm either panicking as I feel I'm running out of time or I'm relaxed because I still have lots of time and nice safety net below me. And the truth is somewhere in the middle, but I cannot find the golden mean. The worst thing is sometimes I feel there is so much to do it's truly anxiety inducing - why even bother when the task seems insurmountable. But then I calm down, I go and extinguish one fire after another as the task is not monolithic - it consists of dozens of smaller tasks and while as a whole it's way too heavy, each one in detail is just comfortable enough.

But still, somehow, I feel the weight of them all even then they rest peacefully on the ground.

Stage 7 Day 85 (1)

OK Mystic, all the things you're saying are very nice, very heartfelt. But tell me this. Is this "work" of yours just an excuse? I mean I get it, you care and it is draining you but I'm sure there are enough hours in the day to focus on other stuff as well! So let's be honest, what's your excuse? Why you don't do all the things you long for?

Fear not, Mystic is here to answer this troubling question!

That is an excellent question random voice in my head as I've been wondering it myself for a couple of days now. It is easy to preach but hard to live by your tenets, that is true. And I do say I have plans, dreams and longings I need to leave at the backburner for some time due to work. So am I full of crap? Yes. But there is some context to it.

My work is more that just a job. For nine years now this is what was driving me, what was giving me purpose when I had nothing. Heartbreak? Get to work. Death of father? Get to work. Any kind of self-esteem issue not solvable by push-ups? Get to work. My friends are calling me not by my name but by my job. I think of myself first and foremost as my job. And now that it's coming to an end, now that I'm about to make my first adult decision at the age of 25+ and quit it to venture into the great unknown and do something different... I want to end it with a bang, not a whimper.

I suffer but I suffer only because of my vices. Because of my pride, my hubris. Not that anyone will care. But I will. I want to make sure that I will do the best goddamn job I can in these last few months. And given that quite possibly I won't even "have to" (even though I should) take another day job in my life I want this to be my statement. Something that others will remember me by and something I will be proud of till the day I die.

Is it worth more that my dreams and longings? No. In any other situation I would just quit and walk away. But these are nine years of my life. I want to do this right as my dreams will be here in a year or two or several, but this chance, this opportunity, it's temporal and ephemeral. I will escape me if I don't pursue it and I know I will regret it till the day I die that I didn't finish what I started.

This may be childish, this may be foolish, stupid, foolhardy and stubborn but that's me first and foremost. Part of me will die in a few months. I want this to be worth it. And if I chicken out... I'll be suffering for longer, with diminishing rewards and nothing to show for my work. There is nothing to show for right now except if you take a broader view.

And there is one more thing. I hope this part is not against the forum rules, if it is then please remove it but leave the rest of the post. I tend to be a fatalist. Not in a sense that I give myself to fate but rather I trust it. I wanted to post here something about how I tend to be extremely lucky in my life. Because I do and it well may be byproduct of how I look at the world and my experiences. But damn. Look at my signature. "Letter written in uncertainty". This doesn't mean I am unknowable. I means my circumstances are. And while I can control them to some degree I cannot do it fully. I am not the author of the letter, I am the letter itself. And in my heart of hearts I think that what I'm doing right now is right. That there is no way to do this better than the way I do it now. If there was a clear one I would've taken it.

Stage 7 Day 86 (0)

This week's gonna be hard one. The amount of things I either have to or set myself to do is incredible. Thankfully if I manage to do them all things will get easier down the path and I'll be able to relax more come summer.

I really look forward to summer this year. I still haven't decided whether I will switch to nocturnal mode of living (like I did last year) or not, but there is something about that that makes me really wanna do this. Living chiefly during cool summer nights, going on the long walks on the daybreak... That was part of the charm I long for so much now. I really wonder if I'll be able to recreate it. Part of me thinks this is futile and I should search for new ideas. I'll try what worked first however.

As for what I'll be running next, I don't know. I decided I will be running stage 7 at least till the end of June. Whenever I decided to end it though I'll take a month off and either pick something seduction related or money related. We'll see.

Stage 7 Day 92 (1)

I'm having a deja vu. A month or so ago I've had these two things going one for me and both of them failed. Now I have two very similar (if anything even better) things going and I cannot help but wonder how this will turn up. Somehow I think I'm more optimistic this time, as if I've failed enough so now I must make it and, to be honest, now that I have some luck and opportunity at my wings I don't know what I'll do if I fail.

Thankfully I'm not a helpless bystander here. I know what I need to do.

Stage 7 Day 132 (1)

Oh boy, I know I've been posting rarely but I had no idea it's been so long. That's almost scary. I've been running LTU this entire time and I intend to keep running it up until the 180 days mark.

I wasn't posting because too many things were happening in my life and I wanted them to settle instead of bragging and whining about them as I waited for the results. And the results are that... I'm winning? Sort of? I don't even know that's going on.

Last time I've posted I had this list of goals to accomplish. And I mostly did this. I've found a new, exciting and well paying job. I've found a new flat where I will live with my best friend like in good old times. I'm making sure I do a proper exit from my current work. I've even found a girl worth something and liking me! But it's not all sunshine and rainbows. This entire LTU run, starting with stage 1, I feel like I've been doing 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Things work out for me, but just not ideally and there are problems along the way to set me back. Let me iterate what I mean.

• I wanted to change a job. I was given a golden opportunity and I put a lot of work into this. I was rejected from that job but I got in another, possibly even better, one.
  
• My financial situation is improving. So much so that I'll be able to improve my standard of living significantly. But it's far from being carefree, "early retirement" kind of situation. And the scepter of me getting there in 5 years or so makes it even harder. It's true when they say money doesn't bring you happiness.
  
• I've met a few fine girls in this time but something always goes wrong. They either reveal red flags or cease contact altogether for some reason. No "f*** you, leave me alone". Just responding less and less up until no responses come. The most recent one said last week how she's in bad situation and needs some time alone. The same pattern, repeating over and over. 
  

I'm sure there is more, I'm just too tired to figure them out here. What I'm trying to say is that I'm in this weird pattern now of: I want a change -> Opportunity for change arises -> I work for it -> It doesn't work out -> Something good is happening because of it regardless. It's like seeing your goal but hitting the glass walls in the mirror room. I'm getting there, I know I will. Two steps forward and one step back still make for an advancement. But when things seem to go your way and you stumble time and time again it becomes... Not even frustrating.

It's just so tiresome.

Stage 7 Day 132 (1) cont.

I started thinking about what to run after I'm done with this stage. In fact I'm kinda sorta done with it already - I feel like it did what it could and I'm left with walking in place. I don't have to run it to the very end and I never planned it this way - it was just a natural choice while I had no idea what to do next.

This past year I've been focusing on my financial and spiritual development and to that point it was a success. But I'm left wanting in more general life-related topics.

So I feel like I'm left with 2 options - either AM or DMSI. AM is grand but feels kinda old not gonna lie. I think it worked quite well for me back in the day and I hope to repeat this success.

On the other hand DMSI is newer and cooler. It will not let me work on my issues as well as AM but it will give me more opportunities and, given my last post, give me bigger chance to have some use of these opportunities.

I'm weighting on the side of DMSI right now. I've checked and version 3.3.1 was the last one I was running and the current on in 3.3.2. OF is all the rage it seems but I think I'll skip it. I think I know what I lack the most now and I wanna strife towards that goal.

Hey Mystic Pymp, if you want to improve in general life-related topics I can recommend MLS. I know it's not exactly the first thing that comes to mind for general live improvement. For me, it not only improved my "academic" performance but also helped me to better understand myself and interact with others more effectively.
In my last post for MLS3 (before starting MLS4) I even called it a "mini-LTU" IIRC 

Hope this may help in your decision
MM

(06-24-2021, 08:18 AM)MegaMan Wrote: [ -> ]Hey Mystic Pymp, if you want to improve in general life-related topics I can recommend MLS. I know it's not exactly the first thing that comes to mind for general live improvement. For me, it not only improved my "academic" performance but also helped me to better understand myself and interact with others more effectively.
In my last post for MLS3 (before starting MLS4) I even called it a "mini-LTU" IIRC 

Hope this may help in your decision
MM

Interesting idea but sadly I'll pass. I cannot say this wouldn't work, I simply never were interested in improving my learning because I'm quite good at it already. My brain is like a sponge when it comes to absorbing knowledge and I've never had a hard time learning. And while I'm not manually skilled so learning instruments for example is difficult and I'm not good at languages I never felt a need to go in these directions.

My choice of AM comes from my past experiences. While I've had great experiences with LTU5 and 6 to some extent, AM was the sub that helped me turn from anxious teenager to somewhat independent young adult (damn, that was a long time ago). I cannot help but wonder what would happen if I were to run it now.

My choice of DMSI comes from my current analysis. Now that I've got my life in control and I'm finishing one goal after another of what I set for myself, I can see the cracks that are left. And my lack of serious relationship is the biggest one hands down. I've outgrown a need for a partner simply because I fear loneliness or I believe it somehow will make me magically happy. But still I long for a deep relationship. DMSI is not for that and while I'm not interested in "just sex" it might be a good tool to help me find something deeper. There are "attract" subs and some other options as well (I've had a surprisingly good results with "Become Irresistibly Attractive to Beautiful Women").

I wish I could write right now about the girl that gives me a headache. But I cannot because I want the dust to settle a little bit. In a week or so I hope the matter will be resolved. Simply because either I will grow bored or because she will get back in touch. I have no reason not to trust her, she is shy and introverted outside her circle of friends so this is believable. That doesn't make it right and I don't have to tolerate radio silence from her.

If you guys have any more suggestions please let me know, I'll gladly comment and consider them

Stage 7 Day 133 (1)

OK, screw it. Today I'll end my LTU run and go with DMSI for this summer starting in July. I will start a new proper run (AM? LTU?) in October.

@Shannon What do you think? Do you have some recommendations given my recent posts?

Intermission

I'm supposed to start my short DMSI run on Thursday. But, to he honest, I have no idea what I truly wanna run now. I fell... Puzzled. Directionless almost. I got everything I wanted except for relationship and I don't fool myself DMSI will magically help me in this regard. I'm not after casual sex and AM has better potential in helping me in that area. If anything I long for BIATBW & ASC combo, old but powerful sub combination that worked wonder for me, what, 5-6 years ago?

As for that girl I mentioned... I feel frustrated. So the story is that we started writing, we met for a date and everything was fine. I was really going well, nice and slowly. But then she stopped responding to my messages and since then she responded only once, over a week ago. She said she needs some time alone because she's overwhelmed with her studies and in situations like that she keeps away from the people. And I believe her. She seems like the type who would take things to personally and as an introvert added frustration makes her wanna limit her interactions to escape to her own safe zone.

That being said it's frustrating. I this situation I don't know if that phase of hers will pass and we'll be able to have fun again or if she ghosted me never to talk again. I don't think she has found for other buddy and I hope if she were to ghost me she would let me know. That may be fool's hope, sure, but that's what my intuition is telling me. And I am willing to wait, in my current year-and-a-half long journey with Tinder she is the best girl I've found so far. Not the most beautiful, not the nicest, but certainly the best. I'd feel such a shame and disappointment if I were to lose that chance. And with each day of radio silence chance for that increase.

Add to that the simple awkwardness as I don't even know what should I do. I message her every now and then, either sending her some nice pictures from my walks or texting some cheers. I don't want to message her at all as I feel like I'm nagging her when she wants to be left alone. All the same I want to keep posting to show her that I care and I'm not mad at her for that behavior (like I said, I'm frustrated, but not mad). Although, to be honest sometimes I am mad. It passes quickly though and I don't wanna write this to her as message written in anger would only make her situation worse, given what I believe is happening is true.

At the end of the day it's all not that important. Opportunities come and go and I've been on a lucky streak anyway. The anger I feel is more the symptom of my low self-esteem when it comes to women more than the reaction to the current situation. So the best course of action is to keep doing what I've been doing. If she returns - great. If she doesn't - she was never to be mine to begin with. DMSI won't help me get her but it will make me feel like I have more options. And when anger and despair come that is the realization that I need.

Oh boy, did I enter a rabbit hole if there ever was one.

So, searching for the answer for the pressing question "what should I run next?" I had this glorious thought of browsing my old journals. Good thing I keep them and I even made a handy summary at some point. That was 5 years ago, since then I run a myriad of LTU, DMSI and probably more I cannot remember now so no part 2 I'm afraid. At any rate while skimming through these several realizations came.

First I was wrong. I was running AM refresher together with BIATBW, not ASC like I thought I did. That makes a lot of sense, but also it means I cannot run this combo now as my last AM run was years ago. Still, maybe me thinking of ASC in response to my response to that radio silence may be serendipitous thinking yet!

Second, Oh Man did I change. When I was writing these entries I was young student, an impressionable virgin. Now I'm so much more mature, for better or for worse. I'm not sure if I've changed for all the better but it cannot be denied that my transition from young adult to simply adult was starker than I thought. Me reading these posts made me chuckle a little sometimes because how I was trying to boast here. I'm curious how I will respond to this journal in years time.

This makes me wanna run AM all the more. I wonder how older me would respond to the program. And, I won't gonna lie, I miss AM and everything around it. AM made me research a lot when it comes to self-development. And like I've mentioned this is something I neglected these past months. I don't regret that, not particularly as the results turned out to be good, better than I anticipated. But now that the dust is settling there is an opportunity go back in that direction. And, let's be honest, it should be easier this time compared to 5 years ago.

Thanks for @Johannesbrst for giving me some good advice. He suggested running OF. Obviously I was thinking about this but dismissed it quickly. Most of journal now are about OF and I've outgrown following fuds, especially if I am to buy another sub when I have plenty of great subs to run already. Also I don't consider fear my biggest enemy nowadays. But as I was ponding this idea I started to warm up to it.

The thing with ASC+BIATBW -> AM is that these are older, more gentle subs than the new ones. You are meant to listen to AM for long hours while OF requires only one loop per day. And I feel like I need a gentle sub after LTU6, which was bone crushing at times. Also it fit timeline well - I run a mix of easy subs for the rest of the summer and AM when I start my new job. OF I'd need to run till the end of the year, this isn't as neat.

That being said OF is not a bad idea once you get used to it. Journal are optimistic, there are no riots due to sub not working. If anything that might be quite a wild ride. I think I'll give it a chance, we'll see where it leads me. Feel free to share your own experiences, it will help me make an educated decision.

Anyhow tomorrow I'll be creating a new journal, it's time to end this almost year long journey with LTU6. It wasn't a fun ride but it got me to places. More destination than the journey kind of thing. I'm curious to see what lies ahead.