Subliminal Talk

(09-27-2020, 06:31 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]They've been remaking it in the Skyrim engine as a mod. But it's been going for a few years now so who knows when it'll be done.



I tried Morrowind back when it come out but it didn't hook me as much as Oblivion and Skyrim. Especially Oblivion. I tried to play it recently again and even modded it just looks too horrible for me now.

Hey, of course I've heard of Skywind To be honest I'm more excited for Beyond Skyrim though

Yeah, like I said nostalgia is part of this. I know Vvardenfell like my own city and still I'm surprised sometimes. I love the freedom and sheer madness of it all. Just going forward and seeing what you're gonna stumble upon next. Skyrim arguably done it even better but in Skyrim it's impossible to get lost, in Morrowind you just wonder and breath it all in.

Stage 2 Day 18 (2)

I'm feeling better. Physically all the symptoms are gone and I'm even back to my old self workout-wise, the only problem being I'm not giving myself time to do it like I used to. Still I love the sense of accomplishment and I don't wanna lose my mojo so I'm keeping on.

I've even managed to do solid 8 hours of work. There is asterisk there as big chunk of that time was wasted because I had to go by my workplace as my friend's presentation, which was supposed to happen via the internet, happened in person "for those who wanna come, max N people" and I thought he deserves respect to coming to the event personally if I can. I don't regret it, I've met my colleagues I didn't have opportunity to meet with since March. Still, 3 hours or so spend on talking and listening I could have spend elsewhere. The fact that I'm mad at it shows you something I think.

The only problem is that I'm not sleepy right now. It's 11 PM and I've had something like 3 hours of sleep. This means when I finally manage to fall asleep I'll be impossible to be woken up, I'll sleep until late and I'll waste my day due to this. We'll see how it goes, I have a plan and I'm curious how it will work.

Uuuuups, I've done fracked up. Due to my severe *insert your favorite mental retardation here* I've been running 4 days ON 2 days OFF instead of 3-2. Oh well, too late now to change that, I don't wanna screw timings now. I'll be reading release note on the new stages more carefully now :/

Stage 2 Day 19 (0)

Oh boy, I'm still tired. I've come up with a amazing idea of going for a 30 km 5 hour long walk. It was worth it but damn, my legs hurt like hell.

To be honest I was planning 20 km max walk but I was listening to some new playlists Spotify threw my way and this is exactly what happens when I listen to good old hits of mine instead of educational podcast. I've had 5 hours of recollections, shadows of the long dead emotions being brought back for a short while and all around great cleaning. I've let my mind wonder of course and I think I've encored for a while at least at all of my emotional issues (that I am aware of of course).

Damn I needed this. I know I complain this a lot recently but these short days really hit me hard and I don't deal well with the new setting. I was Christmas already, maybe then I'll have hope that I can be happy again... :/

Seriously though I've missed this kind of walking. I have forgotten why I was walking. I started not to loose weight but to sweat away my emotions when I was in a bad relationship. I needed space to think and 10 km walks were great for it. Now it's a habit of mine, an excuse to watch some greens, listen to podcasts and have some exercise. But walks stopped being this emotional remedy for me, a sort of walking zen with Stone Sour, Nightwish and Seether in my headphones. I won't be lying, when I was listening to "Song of Myself" by Nightwish I was almost crying today. I'm not easily touched by stuff like that but in such a state of mind these "Leaves of Grass"-esqe lyrics are something hitting me way too deep.

All the thoughts I had during this walk are a treasure trove of ideas and realizations. If some are more important and I remember them tomorrow I'll post these deem worthy here. I think I had like million of them but I was in such a dream-like or rather meditation-like state that I remember only a handful of them, the Nightwish thing being hands down the most important one. Lyrics for Orden Ogan's song were also interesting but I don't think they're important so let's skip that

Screw it, I'm gonna write some more about the walk right away. Wanna share these thoughts while there are still fresh. I'm lying in my bed, writing on my trusty tablet right now - this is unorthodox for me but I wanna write this and I want the process to gently guide me to sleep.

How did I have the strength to go so far so fast? I mean I'm used to 15 km walks but more often than not I was guided by the end of them by the sheer will to get back home. Today I felt so much emotion and so many emotions that fuel was easy to find. There was anger but only a little. I mostly simply felt ecstatic, at least at first. I felt happy, morphine-like happy and free and with this feeling I can do anything. I haven't felt this euphoric in a long time, especially not in anticipation of things to happen and not because something happened. I think somewhere deep subconsciously I wanted this walk to happen, my only second such a walk this year and a worthy encore for this season.

When I found 4 4-leaf clover in like span of half a meter it felt even better. For context I found like 100 or so of them this year, sometimes multiple of them or 5- and 6-leaf ones, but 4 so close to each other is extremely rare, I think only once did I find place with more of them and that was during my mom's surgery this July I think. What I think I've never mentioned was that I'd use sometimes these clover-finding ability to ask for things. You know, like "oh God, if I did wrong prove it by smiting me with a lightning" sort of idea. I know what I asked for and I wonder what will come out of it. In the end I think it will come down to Shannon's recent message and me believing this can happen.

About that long lyrics of mine... It's about "Nobody Leaves" by Orden Ogan. The story is that 4 years ago or so I was living in a different place and had different walking paths and I started walking due to my ex and our f-uped relationship. "Nobody Leaves" is one of two songs (about the second one later) that remind me of my state of mind during these walks - not heart break or anything like that, just how it was to do long walks on these paths, going through things I did go through. In that song there are these lyrics: "This night I'm burning My love tonight Inside she's dying In cleansing light" and despite listening to this song probably hundreds of times only now I've heard them in a sense that I paid attention to them. Well, maybe these past 4 year my English comprehension improved or I was in a different frame of mind, I just find it amazing that things like that can happen.

My second song is Silverlane's "Last Day on Earth". This is an interesting song as you can read it as being committing suicide. I think at the end of that weird period in my life when this song was relevant I believed that and disliked it for it. Now though I was listening to it looking for this meaning and I found courage instead. I guess that's the beauty of poetry and music - everyone can interpret them as they will. Death of the author I think it's called. Anyhow back then I must have been cynical, interpreting song negatively and now doing so positively. Oh how things change.

In the second part of the walk, when I was past my normal distance, I've gotten tired and high on endorphins. That high is much different than the euphoric high I described before. Euphoric one is simply bliss, runner's high is giggly and not as free, feels more grounded and not as light but at the same time not as fragile. What's good about it is that in this state time flows fast - you're tired and hurting but damn, after 30 minutes it feels like only 5 went by. It's easier to suffer for 5 minutes than 30, especially as hurting seems to slow time down. Of course, good old hyperaware me, I knew what's going on and I was cautious not to get under a car or something like that. I think that some people might have though weird of me when I said a couple of words to myself. BTW thinking out loud is another runner's high symptom for me.

I feel like I'll be referencing this walk in the future, I need to bookmark it or something. It all felt like 5 hour long dream more than anything else but damn was it fun. I don't think it is easy to reproduce, it's just something I seem to need sometimes. But well, maybe I'll be trying it every now and again, maybe even develop a route like I did for 15 km.

Stage 2 Day 20 (1)

Some good news, some bad news. Mostly bad. Due to corona fiasco my work obligations will start in the middle of October. This is seemingly good. But it means I will have more time when I get paid and results will be expected but nobody will look over my shoulder if I'm working. There is room for procrastination in this equation and this will mean I'll have to either shamefully admit I'm a lazy flak or be diligent.

Also I'll be taking late shifts at Mondays, working till 7 PM. I don't know what it will mean yet, if I'll start working late and allow myself to sleep late or maybe use morning to do a long walk, get back from it and work till evening hours. The fact that it's only this one day of the week means I cannot really make this a habit, but I need some nice solution that will not disrupt my weekly work flow.

Last bad news is that even though I still have 2 weeks of relative freedom, I'll need to do quite a lot of thankless and useless bureaucratic work before that time. For some of it I have more time but I'll be damned if I'll be wasting my time on this stupid crap later. So the next 2 weeks are preparing myself for regular work and Zoom meetings, re-opening new projects and closing my personal ones while dealing with dozen of mail to different departments because they need document scans not worth their weight in paper.

And if I sound jaded then yeah, I am. In a perfect world I could just work, I'd have my desk and do a good job I'm good at. Instead I need to sit in front of the same laptop I play Morrowind on, in the same room I sleep in and need to deal with paperpushers.

Stage 2 Day 22 (0)

Yesterday I did zero work because I had to accommodate a foreign guest. And by that I meant not only help him move in, but also go for a dinner and a handful of beers. Today I did zero work because I feel sick and hangover. To make matters worse I am obliged to drink tomorrow. And so I'm honestly thinking about cancelling that particular party. They can deal without me, I'm not sure if I can deal with another wasted day. And here I'm mostly thinking about hangover Sunday.

And no, I cannot simply say I'm not drinking. My friends would think I'm sick and would get worried Also I have an opinion to uphold

Addendum

So I'm back from another walk. I just wanna note that I have 3 types of walks - podcast, playlist and single song. The last one I was talking about was playlist but today was single song. "Inside Out" by Five Finger Death Punch to be precise.

Two things. First I got angry. Like really angry but without adrenaline burst. Later I realized what I felt was disappointment and resentment. I am in this situation right now and I won't be able to change it much in the next 12 months. It's shitty situation but I don't really care, it's just that... I don't know, I miss a little bit the old order I guess. Anyhow I have 3 options. What I'm doing right now is keeping the status quo. Like I said, I cannot be bothered to care. I could also escalate things, be an asshole and feel some satisfactions. I don't wanna do that cause I don't want this to be done to me. And lastly I could talk it through, be a larger man and get to some understanding. I probably should do that but I simply cannot. Thought of giving another chance makes me weary as all the same crap will happen again and again in perpetua.

Second this is I realized I want to bulk up. After a long fight with my weight I'm finally comfortable with it but that cannot be the end. Next stop would be to bulk up, build some muscles and stamina and strength. Some time ago, just to see how it would work, I bought myself some protein powder and damn, it's expensive but sooooo tasty! I think I will start drinking like 1/4 or so of a proposed dosage because I don't exercise too much nowadays but if the idea sticks I might do some more in that direction. I'd say I want to start in Spring but that sounds like a delay tactic - I'll see how much time and energy I'll have once normal work begins in like 10 days and then I'll make my decisions.

By that time I should be at the middle of Stage 3 anyway, I'm sure this will change my perspective. Right now I'm not eager to go to the gym (even before corona it was questionable for me), but there are options to work out from hole - I have space, I can buy some accessories and I want to use the time I'd be spending on my walks listening to podcasts or watching YT. It really sounds like a good plan.

Stage 2 Day 24 (2)

I'm never drinking again... 

OK, feeling better now I can write some more. Oh boy, I didn't have such a bad hangover in a long time. Nowadays I drink little and even when I do since starting LTU 6 my metabolism deals with this quickly. This time it didn't really work, when I woke up I though I wouldn't get up all day long. Obviously after some hydration and eating it went slowly back to normal and now physically I'm tired but fine.

The party was very nice, I haven't had so much fun in a larger (5+) group of people since metal concert I've been to last winter. I was confident, always had something interesting to say to people paid attention to me. There was not a moment when I felt left out or awkward, something that used to happen always while partying in the past year.

The problem is that after I woke up I felt so extremely anxious... I was reliving the party and tried to paint everything in this anxiety-inducing color. Also I started to compare my life and accomplishments with these of other people and felt bad. Like I'm not good enough, I should be doing more and I'm a failure. I went for a walk and the feeling was only reinforced. I think alcohol helped me consciously become aware of some of my own problems and fears and after I woke up it all came flooding.

And the truth is I don't know what I wanna do with myself and my life. I don't know what I wanna be doing and who I wanna be, not truly. And at this moment I believe that I have to let it go, live with today and see where my dice land but at the walk I was scared s**tless for my future. Everyone had a partner, I'm lonesome. Everyone's career goes forward, I feel like I'm not moving anywhere. Everyone has something to show, I am full of crap.

The only thing I can really do if this feeling doesn't go away is to use it to give me strength to work and self-improve. This year may be vital for my career and so I really should move my ass and start working hard for my success. I still have a couple of kg to burn, I have the best sub I've ever used to finish, lots of fun to be had and achievements to strive for. All of this depends on my choices and is my responsibility, no amount of fatalism will change that.

Stage 2 Day 26 (0)

Let this stage end already!

There is some silver lining at least. Yesterday I've had the most productive day in a very long time. Like I was a machine. Today less so, I've managed to do maybe 75% of what I hoped for but even that way probably less as my concentration was weak and I've made many time consuming mistakes. It's still much better than what it used to be in the past weeks.

I think I've changed my look-out towards my habits recently. Now I take my habits as secondary and my work as primary, only superseded by my relationships and health. In huge part it's the results of these drunk realizations - I want these results I long for and so I will fight. If that means I have less time for reading and walking - so be it.

Even now I'm wondering if I should do some loose ends in the evening + I've made a list of things to do tomorrow, where I've never been planning ahead like this - it's always been what I feel like doing or what needs to be done as soon as possible.

Oh boy, I've just re-read my last post and the lack of strength, focus and motivation is terrifying. I've just lost all guilt for being lazy today and if anything I'm amazed I managed to be as productive as I was!

Stage 2 Day 27 (1)

Amazing. Me, wanting to get up early and do lots of useful work, slept up to almost noon. The only thing that made me wake up was the fact that I didn't want to miss Zoom meeting...

I feel like crap, again feel like I'm getting sick. I really do hope it's not some kind of effect from the next stage or otherwise the next 30 days will be hard.

Stage 2 Day 30 (2)

Ufff, I've just completed Tribunal and Bloodmoon. It means that 2.5 moths long adventure with Morrowind is done... for now. I've played for 2 days and 17 hours, that doesn't count modding the beast which must have taken at least 24 hours. Anyhow, even if there are still plenty of quests to do and things to discover... it is done. My character is pretty much god among men (and mer) right now and so exploration is not that fun. Still I will play every now and then just to take a walk and complete some quests I find interesting. I may play the game again in a couple of years, for now I'm glad I've finally completed the game and all the expansions, for the first time in my life. It's a nice coda for the second stage of the LTU.

I don't need to say how bullcrap this stage was. Or rather how it made me fell, there's no need to hate the medicine for its taste. And to be honest I'd wonder if there was something wrong with me if not for the fact that others' testimonials were so similar. If anything I'm shocked as to how much I was able to do and achieve during this stage, a couple of months ago in such a circumstances I'd lay in my bad and make myself a victim, now I was able to be useful. It's just a shame I was forced to choice where to put my energy while in the past it was easy to do many things and have strength to do it.

I cannot help but wonder what stage 3 will bring. I'll be listening to it tonight and I won't lie - I'm hopeful. I should be weary and suspicious, instead I'm hopeful and I feel like things will go well.

P.S. I have no idea what I will play next, I have some more blasts-from-the-past but these tend to be worse than one remembers them, so... And I don't wanna play Oblivion, I don't have time to spend a week modding the crap out of it and I surely will never play vanilla Oblivion again!