Subliminal Talk

Stage 3 Day 1 (3)

Here we go. This time I made sure to check running pattern for this stage. 6 days on, 2 days off, 32 days in total. This is optimistic as it means more exposure = it should be easier to run. Stage 1 was 33% pause, Stage 2 40%, this one is 25%. We'll see in practice.

First exposure was weird. It was like a sensory overload or like smoking a bad weed. I had like a thousand thoughts but no motivation to do anything about it. And when I did something I quickly figured out it's not good idea after all. Thankfully it passed, it lasted maybe 2-3 hours.

I went for a long walk (4h) and while quite uneventful it made me feel weird compared to previous stages. It reminded me of feeling I had with DMSI. Confident, checking out women left and right. Sure of myself. I didn't have many realizations like the last time but I had a couple of good ideas that made me wish I had more hours in my day.

The true test will happen during this week. I'll be leaving for my mom's and I'll have to work from there - a task that never worked well for me. If I am not to fall behind (which I can, I'll just have more work at the end of October) I'll have to be disciplined. I know I can do it but somehow in the past it didn't work well for me - let's hope this will chance now.

(10-11-2020, 08:17 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Stage 3 Day 1 (3)

more exposure = it should be easier to run.

Not necessarily, more exposure might well mean more shit to process 
Based on your first day and mine (we’re in sync), I think that’s the case.

(10-11-2020, 08:19 PM)fab10 Wrote: [ -> ]

(10-11-2020, 08:17 AM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Stage 3 Day 1 (3)

more exposure = it should be easier to run.

Not necessarily, more exposure might well mean more shit to process 
Based on your first day and mine (we’re in sync), I think that’s the case.

Let me put it like this - intuitively more exposure means sub is better paced (Shannon will come down and say that it's probably wrong, but whatever). It's the difference between a marathon and 400m. And I do certainly think I'm more of a marathon runner.

Stage 3 Day 2 (0)

I agree shit is being processed. Into what, hard to say, but possibly gold. I've had quite a productive day today, managed to wake up surprisingly early and have a nice day's work. I'd do some more before I go to my mom's but alas friend wants to go down for a bear and cultivating my relationships is quite important for me now - and also I cannot allow myself to have stick up my ass because of imaginary quotas. Today in 3 hours I did more than I'd usually do in like 8 hours normally, I deserve a nice break.

Edit here: Also happiness. I've been listening to some music while working and damn, I've been dancing on my seat all the time. It rarely happens and certainly never did during stage 2. When I went do some stuff outside I thought I'd be dancing or running along the way.

Stage 3 Day 3 (0)

I keep having lots of ideas and little in terms of motivation. I'm getting there though. I've been doing a little bit of math and lots of thought on my time management. I wonder if I might be able to do something really useful with my time except for work and yeah, I may.

The problem is that I've been talking my boss and we got to conclusion I'll have to speed up and prioritize some work of mine. This will mean I'll want to focus as much as possible on it so that in a couple of hours when I'm done this work will be as good as possible. This line of thinking paints anything else as distraction and an excuse. I was using weight loss as an excuse not to put my thought to work this Spring (+ COVID-induced chaos helped it) so I know how it works.

Today I've been useless because of my stupid tooth. It hurt all night and I went to bed way too late. I didn't want to wake up because I was pain-free and so happy. Now I can feel it but it's of little issue. I think the problem is not tooth as such but either my ear or my sinuses inflating and pushing into that tooth's nerves. I can eat hot and drink cold without much issue. Also my gums are not inflated in the slightest. However if this continues I'll have to go to the dentist. I hope it will not come to this though, if I'm right and the dentist says they'll need to remove the tooth I might loose it without real need for my.

Stage 3 Day 4 (1)

Feeling a little out of whack at my mom's. It's to be expected as I'm not used to spend time here but I want to behave normally and casually. It's nice though so I cannot complain.

I've had, again, a long and very real dream about my sweetheart. One of these from zero to relationship kind of dreams that baffled me a couple of weeks ago. It's strange how during stage 2 she was indifferent to me in my dreams and now she seems not only nice but... emotionally vulnerable I guess.

As due to coronavirus there is almost no chance I'd stumble upon her at work and I have no intention of writing to her out of the blue I judge chances of contact with her to be close to zero. And as, like I've said before on this journal, it's not about her and more about what she represents for me, I really wonder what there dreams might mean. What does she represents. In the dreams she's almost always passive, reacting to what I do but not initiating anything.

Stage 3 Day 5 (2)

I find it hard to believe it's day 5 already. It's been such a easy ride so far.

There is not much to say expect for the usual stuff that happens when I'm at my mom's. Feeling a little bit useless but fine and happy. The tooth gives me some problems so I won't be able to avoid the dentist - it doesn't hurt enough to be a huge bother but enough to be a concern. I will want to deal with this even if the pain stops entirely just in case that it might come back with vengeance.

Stage 3 Day 7 (0)

My biggest problem right now is that I have way too many ideas. I have like dozens of ideas a day for things I'd like to do and only excuses to counter then. You know, a day has only 24 hours and one also needs to sleep. Anyhow right now I have this romantic idea (or at least I think about it more than usually) how cool it would be to win a lottery, quit my job and do some kind of cool projects instead - not for money and purely for fun and accomplishment.

Also I start to feel romantically undervalued. I feel like some kind of cuck pretty much. Everyone seems to be in relationship and be merry and happy and I am here all on my lonesome. And while right now I'm choosing to be alone I wonder if that's because I truly want to focus on myself like I did in the months past or because I only attract crazies and other high emotional risk women. Again, it's not a new thought, but it's something that was absent in a long while.

Stage 3 Day 10 (2)

I feel weird. I'm tired, sure, but that's beside the point. I'll try to explain it as well as I possibly can.

I feel sad, powerless and angry/irritated. A lot of it comes down from all the feelings of loosing out on things, both in the past and today and in the near future. All the dreams I have, all my self-improvement goals and romantic life and career and my countless projects - I know I can achieve it all and I know I deserve to achieve them. But there is simply too much and so I have to give up at least some of it - and if I give up some I might just as well give it all, procrastination kicks in as I don't know where to start and I'm overwhelmed and this brings irritation and powerlessness.

I know what I need to do. But first I'll go for a long walk. Tomorrow, at dawn, no matter it'll be dark and cold. Then I get to work. And after that, during everything I'll be doing, I'll be asking myself if what I do furthers my goals. And not tangentially like I'd do in months past but directly. I have lots of mental energy I just need to focus and free from anxiety of starting damn work. I have lots of ways of relaxing and being productive at the same time. I'm figuring out the ways I can incorporate weight loss into all of this (this past week was all about it and I know, I wanted to put it forward into Spring but I simply cannot). I can do all of this.

So 1) A long walk 2) Simply get to work and fight anxiety instead of waiting for it to pass 3) Work on your time management.

I might feel anxious and weird but damn do I feel empowered.

Stage 3 Day 11 (3)

I'm mad at myself. The same angry/irritated streak I talk about before. Why? Because nothing came out of that walk, I woke up after like 11 hours of sleep and the entire day I felt sick. I did do some work today, I did some zoom meetings and some of my own projects but it was like 20% of what I intended to do. I feel ashamed of it and I don't even know if I should as I feel sickly and I may well be on the way to some flu or whatever. Yesterday I felt sick as well and I hoped beyond all hope today I'd be fine.

I don't know... I feel like whatever I'd choose to do is just a string of failures and excuses. And fighting it, being defiant is the only thing I can do about it.

Stage 3 Day 12 (0)

I'm so tired. Thankfully not mentally, but certainly physically. I've been quite productive today but extremely unfocused and disoriented - staying focused on the task was quite a challenge. I wanted to go for a walk later on and I did relatively little as my legs hurt and I decided not to force myself and get back home.

It seems simply that my current mental ambitions cannot be quite met by my physical strength. And I am too stubborn and too eager for results to simply let it go.

Stage 3 Day 13 (1)

I haven't felt so anxious in a long time. Reason? I care too much and demand too much from myself.

Physically I keep feeling so-so and more on the bad side. Fully functional but tired. I'm going a little bit crazy that I might have COVID - not only one person in the block at my mom's is in a quarantine, but now I've learned that my friend's coworker with whom I met a couple of days ago tested positive. Chances are slim, but the fatigue and brain fog check out.

The most annoying however was that I couldn't fall asleep. I finally managed to do this around 4 AM, this obviously made me skip my alarm clock and wake up around noon with the feeling of a wasted day. Add to that the fact that nothing seems to work at my work and I waste my time banging on the wall and you get a recipe for anxiety. I feel useless, like one, giant failure.

What I hope to do is to get some rest during the weekend. I will forbid myself from working, focus on myself like I did during the summer and get back hard on it on Monday. I hope it will work and by Monday I will feel much better.

And before you ask no, I don't have any problem with breathing, sense of taste or anything like that. With my damned luck I'm almost certain I will not escape coronavirus, but this is not it. And even if it is I'm lucky to have it very mild in comparison.

Stage 3 Day 13 (0)

Somewhere I must have screwed up day count, thankfully I have a proper one on a spreadsheet. So yesterday was day 12, not 13.

Anyhow I feel kinda better today. Morning was terrible because I was hangover - I decided to indulge myself to kill off some of the anxiety. It worked, but again it was hard to get up. Still, I was productive and happy. And today, despite the urge to buy myself some beer again, it was very easy to disregard such thoughts. Waste of money, calories and morning. Not worth it category.

Interestingly today a new career path may well opened before me. I don't wanna talk about this here and now, but tomorrow I'm gonna update my CV and apply for a scholarship which is timed extremely well to my current work plans. When (with my credentials I'm almost sure to get it) I get it and if they keep me after the scholarship this would be a complete change in my career trajectory while keeping my skills and interests. And even if I keep the old one this will be an excellent learning opportunity and something to add to my CV.

Stage Day 14 (0)

OK, so this is interesting. I haven't update my CV yet (I have a week for that so no worries) but I was thinking a lot about this whole ordeal today, especially during my 10k walk. And I became hopeful and even colors became brighter. Let me explain.

I love my work. I work with something I'm passionate about, coworkers are awesome, pay is very good as well as job security, there are stable prospects for the future, lots of opportunities... And I say this with straight face. But there are two problems.

The first one is that the work follows me home. This was as issue in the past but now with remote work it's extremely serious. When I don't have to worry about work like today I'm happy and cheerful. When I have to work, even if I think I've done my due, it still lingers as its hard to impossible to leave things hanging. 80% of my work seems to be about fixing what's broken and trying to find out why it doesn't work, which is extremely frustrating. Too many moving parts, too much to keep in mind - so hard to get rid of it once you're in the zone. Even worse is that anxiety about working on project that didn't work and you left it for another day is tremendous because of all of this and I do like 4-5 things in parallel, joggling between them.

Second thing is work makes it impossible to be passionate about it. When I want to do something fun, learn new stuff etc. what ends up happening is I wonder if it will be useful for my work. If not then I should disregard it and work instead. It's been like 2 years since last time I've done something really fun just for myself. I'd love to have that feeling back.

And change of career path would solve these problems. 9-to-5 work would allow me to disengage after the shift. Change of topic would allow me to enjoy my passion again in my free time, just for fun. Pay would be similar and possibly higher so that's great. Security would be lower and colleagues might fight me in the rat race but I'm ready for it. And the best thing? If I accomplish what I've started in the next year I'll have resume strong enough I'll be able to get back to my current work at any time pretty much.

I'm not sure if it will work. Maybe I won't qualify, maybe I'll figure that's not as fun as I think, maybe I will want to stay. But the idea is tempting and even if things don't work out with this one I may well try my luck elsewhere. Because these thoughts of peace of mind and regaining my passion are too tempting to pass.

Stage 3 Day 15 (0)

I really don't know what to write about today. I couldn't sleep again; fell asleep around 4 only after I forced myself to masturbate cause I knew this will make me relaxed enough to fall. It's not a bad method but not when you're not even remotely horny. Then I went for a long walk where I was quite angry at my mother and pretty much the entire world. Back at home I felt inspired so I set up some work for tomorrow, did some research and updated my CV. I found it so surprising how little I've changed in the past 3 years since I had to prepare CV. Makes me think if my outlook about the past self if correct.

Other than that... I feel apathetic. I think the style of today's post shows this well. It's the culmination of Autumn sadness so don't expect much, but at the same time things will only get better from here. By the December I should be fine with short days and cold weather. If anything I'm more fine with it than usual, the crisis starting early maybe has something to do with this.

I'm apathetic about tomorrow as well. I know I'll do some good work but I have 0 passion about it and surprisingly little anxiety. I'm just tired I guess, that's all.