Subliminal Talk

Stage 1 Day 7 (14)

I feel well. Tired for a couple of reasons but fine. To be honest I felt weird these two days of pause between sets of 4 days, but once I've gotten into the new set I've felt hopeful and calm again.

Everything seems to be breaking around me, but it's not all that bad. First of all this forces me to change, adapt and reconsider, secondly things break at the most convenient time (think if something has to break, let it break at that moment and not some other one).

NoFap got really easy not, I really hope I can go for 30 days without much hustle.

Stage 1 Day 9 (16)

He have a record! Longest NoFap streak. And what's even more amazing is that normally I'd become very defeatist around now, I got so far so why bother anymore, right? Instead I'm confident I'll be able to go for 30 days and I'm already preparing mentally for 90 days.

Stage 1 Day 12 (19)

I got to this moment where I want to turn the sub permanently and let go of it. I'm tired and feeling kinda lost.

I don't know, it just feels like these past few days that everything that can go wrong goes wrong and there is little I can do about it. Like so ancient pharaoh's curse was laid on me or something.

In moments like these what I long for, what my intuition tells me to do is to get my shit together and put my life in order. Quoting the great philosopher of our times "clean your room". Only it's not that simple. It's not a dragon to be slain or letter to be written. It's a process, it takes time and you don't know where to start and where it will end.

Thankfully I have trust in myself and the sub. My old methods, one I often forget about when I no longer need them, will help me. Also I feel like I'm lucky that more often than not I'm forgetting about the sub altogether - other than making a mark on which day I'm currently on I mostly let it go and run on ultrasonic. Sometimes I wonder if the sub runs truly well and that maybe I should switch to nightly hybrid version. I won't though, it works.

Just not as nicely as I'd have thought given quite a nice start.

Perhaps I demand too much from myself. But then this is what I want - I demand cause I wanna be a certain way and I want to become that version of myself. I said I'd slow down with my exercises - I lied, I keep on working hard as even with BMI 23 (down from 30!) I still feel like I'm too fat. I wanna work more even though I'm doing my share already as I want to be "an expert", I want to be someone respected in the field, someone other will look up to for their skill and knowledge and accomplishments. Ultimately I wanna be in a happy relationship and right now I feel like I'm not stable and emphatic enough to make this work as I envision.

When I'll wake up I'll be starting a new 4-day run. We'll see where it will lead me.

(08-23-2020, 03:32 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ] Quoting the great philosopher of our times "clean your room".

I do hope that you called him "the great philosopher of our times" facetiously.  

Apart from that, all the best, keep at it.

(08-23-2020, 05:56 PM)Have at ye Wrote: [ -> ]

(08-23-2020, 03:32 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ] Quoting the great philosopher of our times "clean your room".

I do hope that you called him "the great philosopher of our times" facetiously.  

Apart from that, all the best, keep at it.

Don't worry, I believe I have my nervous system developed a little bit better than your average lobster

Stage 1 Day 13 (20)

I keep having this kind of deja vu feeling. Not quite but it's like I'm walking around the city and I suddenly remember a feeling, an atmosphere. It's hard to explain but for me certain periods or events have this sense and smell to it. Like I was talking about morning walks reminding me of travels and rock festivals, for example. Today I had something like that, I don't know, 5 times or so? What it gave me was a perception of passing time, a glance into the worlds I used to be in but I'll never visit again. Only in flashes.

It's been kinda weird day altogether. For example right now I'm on my 18th hour awake and I don't wanna sleep one bit. No caffeine or anything like that either. Weird sense of elation, that's all. Weird sense of destiny manifesting itself but I cannot quite see where it is and what it does. Only glimpses.

Stage 1 Day 14 (21)

I've been very angry at myself for sleeping 12 hours today. I don't know how it happened but it screwed up my plans to work. Thankfully there is always tomorrow

I've had strange dream though. I was in the hotel and my transport was already waiting so I jumped to it without packing everything I had in my room. Later on I came back to the hotel and rented another room hoping to get my stuff back, but I didn't know how to ask for it. I don't know why, was it out of shame or anxiety?

I wonder now how much I'm losing because of this. Because I have opportunity to get something which is rightly mine but I lack gumption to take it.

(08-25-2020, 03:21 PM)Mystic Pymp Wrote: [ -> ]Stage 1 Day 14 (21)

I've been very angry at myself for sleeping 12 hours today. I don't know how it happened but it screwed up my plans to work. Thankfully there is always tomorrow

I've had strange dream though. I was in the hotel and my transport was already waiting so I jumped to it without packing everything I had in my room. Later on I came back to the hotel and rented another room hoping to get my stuff back, but I didn't know how to ask for it. I don't know why, was it out of shame or anxiety?

I wonder now how much I'm losing because of this. Because I have opportunity to get something which is rightly mine but I lack gumption to take it.

I also slept 12 hours the day before yesterday, which was day 14 for me too, I think.

Stage 1 Day 19 (26)

Sorry for not posting updates, these past few days had been weird for me. Dreamlike is how I would describe it. Not in a sense that I sleepwalked through them cause I didn't. Also not in a sense that they were unreal. I don't know how to describe it. Best thing would be that there are these days sometimes that you just remember, "good old days" or something, but you didn't yet know you'd remember it in such a way. I feel like these days are happening now and I'm aware of it.

My sleeping schedule is all screwed up. Sometimes I sleep 12-13 hours, sometimes I wake up after 4 and I'm energetic enough that after 22(!) hours I have to force myself to go to bed. A couple of weeks back this wouldn't bother me as I'd go to sleep whenever I was tired. Now though I need to get back to normal sleeping schedule because of work. Thus a need for forcing myself to go to bed.

Days are getting shorter and it's really bothering me. Historically October and November are the worst months for me not only due to short days, but more importantly because days are getting shorter. It's about change, not crappy status quo dictated by the Earth's orbital motion. It's this kind of depression that reminds me of sad high school years and having to getting used to change of clothes to thicker ones. But to get this feeling in late August is untypical. Then again I'm using the monster that LTU unquestionably is so I shouldn't be surprised

And it's not that I'm sad cause I'm not. I'm not happy either. I'm content, as simple as that. A little bit dreaded word but I like that state. Things are not great but everything is in it's place and I feel like I'm moving forward with my life. I hate feeling of hopelessness brought by lack of progress. Slow, methodical, steady. Something to give context to the boring every day.

This makes it all the harder to break my old habits I've developed for weight loss. I haven't reached my goal quite yet but I'm comfortable already and there is still time in Autumn and next year. As long as there will be no yo-yo effect I'll be happy either way. All my friends are awe struck how thin I got. Again, with BMI 23 I'm still a little bit to go but yeah, I'm the slimmest I've ever been in my life. But still I find it difficult to just break these habits. Whatever I do, in the back of my head I think if I should do more exercises this evening or go for a second walk and how I cannot buy myself a beer for a evening cause it's a caloric bomb. Some of this is good, especially on lazy days, but on work days... What would be better for me, to work for 4 hours or go for a 20k walk? If given a choice 20k always wins. And as long as Summer is this ongoing and my boss is not breathing down my neck choice is mine and mine alone.

All the tables, all the statistics, all check marks I was checking for some dopamine rush and feeling of pride that I can do it, I can beat my averages and my records and arbitrary goals... I have to let go of it, find myself source of that dopamine somewhere else. I cannot be everything at once and while coronavirus and summertime allowed me to be the slimmer version of myself soon I'll need to be hard-working version of myself. I wish I was better at balancing these two.

And maybe this is the reason for dreamlike quality of recent days. I still get these dopamine rushes for doing good job but they come with guilt. I know I should be doing something else but I follow old habits that are starting to outlive their purpose. It's all subconscious and I meditate almost not at all recently so I cannot say with any certainty. But damn, something is going on and I'll have to embrace these changes.

Round 2 because I feel like making long, rambling posts to compensate for long silence. This post is more on point though.

I'm sure this had been always true but I started noticing it only recently. Maybe it's because I'm learning more now than ever before, or rather my range of topics has broadened significantly. Or maybe I have some more insights. I don't know. But hear me out.

When I get new information (or remind myself of an old one) what I do is I want to put it in the context of what I already now. More often than not it's like feeling the blanks or making a picture sharper. This is easy as the new pieces are not in vacuum. I can connect them to things that are already there.

But sometimes, very rarely in fact, I get pieces of knowledge that are very surprising. And it's not that they run against notions I held previously. Arguments and counterarguments are part of the discourse and they belong to the previous category. But there are these facts that are not only surprising, they feel like something I should have already known for a long time. They feel like glitches in the matrix. Did I forget about this? Was I ever aware of this but I disregarded that information? Or maybe world is shifting around me, I'm now in the darkest timeline but my mind is still in greener pastures timeline.

The latest of these was about how Botswana is one of the richest countries in Africa. I know perfectly well since being a kid there Botswana is. I know a bit about Africa and its economy. I know of successes of counties like South Africa, Gabon, Rwanda, Libya before it was blown to pieces... But Botswana? Never thought of it in this was. But here it was. Or how many former French colonies are using the same currency. I was reading about French influence in the sub-Saharan Africa and their neocolonialism but never did I hear about a single currency (or rather 2 currencies). You'd figure they'd mention that, no? Maybe they didn't, maybe I skipped it somehow. I don't know, I'll never know and all I can do is add this new information into my stockpile and compare and contrast any new information with these ones as well.

It's just weird like that sometimes, that's all.

Damn, I wanted to post an update for today and realized I posted two updates already this morning. Well, third one incoming.

I had to fight myself not to go for a evening walk due to my quota. I have time but it's raining and I'd rather stay home than get wet. Still, a month ago I'd definitely go. Such habits and modes of thinking are really great but I simply won't be able to sustain my quota in the future. So they go.

I'm not sure if this is my lower mass or sub's detox but alcohol works differently now. Today I went to see my old friend, I drunk 3 beers and got nice and tipsy. After than I came back home, took a short nap. Now I'm 4 hours since the meeting and except for sore muscles I'm fine. I'm not feeling drunk nor do I feel hangover. I feel like I've just run a marathon though.

Stage 1 Day 20 (27)

Using the fact that I cannot quite fall asleep I decided to post an update. And given how my friend got together with my ex (they know each other way longer than I know them, so it's a storied relationship) I decided to post about once a trope on my journals - relationships. Yeah!

First of all no, I'm not bitter about this, not am I jealous. I feel sorry for my friend. Fiance dumped him, my ex came and get to fill her place. That woman is a mistake, one of those famme fatale that always get what they want. If I'm right he will come back screaming with me having zero pity for him - he knew perfectly well what he's going into. If she's changed and they will be together and happy than damn, I'm willing to forgive her everything and be a friend for them both. I wish him and her both all well, I doubt there will be a happy ending though.

I'll let this situation mature and see how it develops. So far I didn't lose a friend for this and I hope I won't.

Anyhow, relationships, right? I was writing a lot about it on my previous journal because I was very puzzled over what I want in relation to women. Do I want to find myself a partner? Who should it be? Why do I want it? Why am I opposed? What I think came to was that I like my bachelor freedom and I'm not ready to relinquish it yet. But something like freedom... I never wanna let go of it. So why stop pretending and just declare myself volcel and be done with it?

In recent days, mostly subconsciously, realizations came to me. I always thought of relationship as a means to happiness. "I am with her and she makes me happy". And I saw through that falsehood a long time ago. Even while being with someone I'd always get this somewhere in my mind and remind myself and true happiness in only possible if you're able to be happy alone. And while this is true, it lacked something. It didn't make quite as much sense as I'd like.

Purpose. The secret is purpose. True, happy relationship, the kind my parents had and one I long for is not so much about replacing one's happiness with theirs, but replacing purpose. I love myself and I don't feel ashamed to call myself selfish - I want best for myself after all. Being in relationship should be like being selfish, but for more than one's person benefit. Your purpose shifts. I see how it's easy to decide to sacrifice your own happiness on altar of something like that, but if done right you never need to.

I don't know, maybe what I'm saying is obvious. Maybe I'm jaded for looking too hard in the past and being childish. All of this sounded better in my head while on the walk. Anyhow I don't feel ready for a relationship now. My purpose is set way too much on myself right now. I cannot imagine how to shift if in another direction. At any rate I hope I'll meet somebody who would motivate me to change my purpose. I really do hope that.

A quick update as I've had an interesting thought.

Previous subs felt like aiding you. Like they were holding your hand. "You wanna go there? Here, take my hand, we'll go together. I'll help you. There is nothing to fear."

This one feels different. There is no guiding to speak of, at least none I can feel. But there is this change of rules. As if Planck's constant changed it's value and Earth started spinning a little bit faster. These are better rules, easier and more fulfilling, but a deep dive. Imagine playing chess and then being put in a position to play checkers all of the sudden, trying to used chess' strategies and maybe even rules.

That's how I feel now, kinda lost and overwhelmed at times, with weird things happening all the time and weird ideas and realizations coming to me daily.

Damn, I don't wanna change this sub for any other now! LTU5 felt like wearing a power armor, LTU6 feels like being naked on a yet undiscovered planet - vulnerable and forced to figure things out but with so much promise and potential!

Stage 1 Day 21 (28)

Another day when I had to forgo exercises for the sake of work. Given the weather is terrible it's not a great loss, but normally I'd go for that walk no matter what. Now though I decided against it. And perhaps it's a good thing - my attempts at switching my focus are clearly working and I'd rather stay dry at home than risk getting sick.

Given I still have vacation time for the entire September I'm averaging (counting only days when I actually get to work) 4 hours of work without any breaks. So counting all the toilet and food and drink breaks as well as work conversations I'd estimate I'm doing solid 6 hours of daily work. That's not bad, once the vacation stops I will try to average 6 hours or possibly even 8 hours. We'll see about that exactly, a lot will depend whether I'll be working from home or from office.

To be honest I don't know why LTU pushes me into my work so much. During the past months with LTU5 I've done relatively little, much less than I'm doing now even though my situation work-wise didn't change much. It's weird. I've very curious if this will continue or maybe I'll lose my mojo and I'll be doing the required minimum again. I think what it boils down to is me learning how to work from home and how to motivate myself to work. Trying to prove something to oneself is one helluva motivation.

Stage 1 Day 22 (29)

I stopped finding any new clovers. Lot's of grasslands I walk in were cut, I go there less frequently anyhow and I don't look down all the time searching for them. But the most important thing might be that they no longer would give me the joy they once did.

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. I still feels like a loss to me.