Subliminal Talk

Quote:This whole month I was feeling sick on and off

For the record I have had many health problems on Stage 4 as well, old issues coming back and new issues popping up. I have also been feeling like I was coming down with something roughly 50% of the days.

Stage 5 Day 3 (0)

This stage had been amazing so far. I'm happier than in the previous stages, general fatigue is lifting and I'm feeling optimistic. The biggest issue now is my sleeping schedule, but it's mostly due to me recovering and going back to my ordinary cycle so hopefully it'll go back to normal soon. Best stage ever so far.

I've been talking with my boss yesterday and from the conversation it was quite obvious that even if I were to stay in my current job it would not be straightforward. The reasons are complicated and mostly due to the fact than it'd be beneficial to gain some experience abroad among other things. While this is not an issue, it certainly is a point for switching jobs altogether. If there is 90% chance that I'll have to change my field of interest anyway I doesn't make much difference how big of a change it will be, right?

That being said I'll have to play on multiple fronts on this, I may change my mind again and so I will be looking for these new opportunities anyway. What's nice is that I'll have 3 months of respite between starting the job I'm looking forward to and quitting the old one (I'll be kinda doing both at the same time) so if things won't go my way in June I'll have time to find something else before Autumn.

To complain a bit I'm worried about Christmas this year. Long story short I was planning to spend 3 weeks with my mom but now I wanna bet back to the city as soon as possible after Christmas due to personal matters. I fear that instead of spending time with my family I'll escape into playing Cyberpunk or work or some personal projects.

I also have one of my weird posts in the works, there are some interesting musings to be shared but I need some inspiration to write it down.

Stage 5 Day 5 (1)

It's my second go for writing today's update. The first one would simply say "This stage's amazing" but that wouldn't be productive so I stepped back and thought.

Beside feeling better, being productive etc. the most important thing is that I feel like I'm really going through some emotional baggage right now. Shannon'd say it was going on all along in the background and I'm sure he's right, but now I really can see this. I feel better emotionally, much less anxious and free, motivated. Optimistic. But the sorting through the crap goes on and the proof can be found in the fact that I've been listening on repeat to this song recently - it really resonated with me this week.



Also in the coming weeks I'm sure you'll see the counter in parenthesis go up. For those of you unaware it's the NoFap counter and it's been low recently as I felt I cannot afford to divert my willpower from more important stuff but not it's gonna be more and more effortless.

Thank you for keeping such a detailed journal, I haven’t been able to, and since we are in sync, comparing notes is very useful for me.

(12-18-2020, 05:45 PM)fab10 Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you for keeping such a detailed journal, I haven’t been able to, and since we are in sync, comparing notes is very useful for me.

No problem and my pleasure. This journal helps me in sorting out my thoughts and feeling on the way forward but I'm happy it serves others as well.

Stage 5 Day 7 (0)

Seriously Shannon, I have no idea what you've put into this stage but I need more of this!

Past 2 days were characterized mostly by hardcore resistance. Which is good as it means it works, there is a difference between feeling lazy and having thoughts of "it's not gonna work" and "why even bother". Lots stuff happened these past 2 days and entire week in general and they make me incredibly optimistic. It's like fate finally gives me all the cards I need to play the Game of Life and these are good cards indeed - how I will play it is up to me of course but if I squander the chance it'll be all on me.

That being said today's anxiety was terrible. It's not fun when you lie on the bad with 100 heart rate due to anxiety and I've never had it this had. I don't wanna get into details just yet (I will if things develop further) but this came from the feelings of uncertainty and lack of control + some serious past baggage. I may give myself false hopes right now and be paying the consequences of it soon, it certainly feels like it right now. But I wanna take my chances and play, if I loose so be it. Anxiety is just a sign that I care and I truly want it.

Stage 5 Day 8 (1)

I hate transition periods. I'm leaving for my mom's tomorrow and so I'm in this limbo where it's hard to be super productive as I don't wanna start anything new. I'm a little bit anxious about this whole trip as well. Part of me wants to either stay in the city for this one or just get over it and get back to the city ASAP. Maybe I'm being childish, maybe I'm overreacting, but that's the truth.

I'm happy that the general anxiety is gone, I knew it would pass as I'm dealing with some issues. I want to use Christmas to get a good look back at my life, my progress this year and where I want to go towards in 2021. There will be lots of choices to be made, lots of hard work but also opportunities.

continued

I keep thinking about life in terms of card game. I don't care which one, I don't know them anyway maybe except poker, but it's all about general analogy.

We are all served our cards - some of us get good cards, some of us crappy ones. At start some us come from wealthy families, some from poor ones and others still have no family. Some are healthy and some not. During the course of our lives we play our cards and we are being dealt new one. Some squander great starting positions, some make it from almost nothing. It's up to us what we do with these cards and these are not the entirety of our stories. There is luck, sure, but we can bluff, we can strategize, damn we can cheat. There is no such thing as luck in the end and our luck is ours to decide. We just have to play the cards we are dealt well.

But you have to play them. There is no use in just holding them in your hand. And the fear of playing them wrong can be overwhelming. I think it's called opportunity cost - you're losing by doing nothing. But by doing things wrong you lose as well. And knowing how to do things right can be learnt only by doing things wrong. There is no ultimate guide on the web, no winning strategy. Poker might be finite state game but life is not. It's more like surfing than poker if you could surf on the cards.

But there is even weirder kind of fear I've been experiencing this week. Fear of not being deal the card you wish to have. Right now I'm a good position overall and the cards I have give me winning position. Unless somebody sets fire to the game table I'm not losing my current cards and everything is bound to be OK. Of course you can predict the game only so far into the future but that's the game for you and it's not an issue. The issue is that I'm not interested in just winning, I'm interested in high score. And for this I need the right cards.

I can sense these cards coming. I know they are out of the game right now so they are up for grabs and I wanna be the one grabbing. But I'm not the one dealing. I have to wait, to anticipate. It's so easy to strategize having in mind cards you MIGHT get but it builds expectations. And even in excellent situation unmet expectations lead to sadness, to defeatism. I'm sure the cards will come to me eventually, it's just a law of huge numbers. But I want to play my winning game NOW! And as I stand I not only cannot do it but also I don't know when I'll be able to. After 18 years of learning the basics and 10 years of prepping for that move this feels frustrating.

"Let it go", I hear them say, "enjoy the game, not the prize!". Sure, I agree. And I did for most of the journey. But at some moment anticipation comes and cannot be simply dismissed. That opportunity cost comes into the mind again. You think about playing the system, cheating, but that will have unforeseen consequences. So I want, try to enjoy the game but there is this bitter sweet under it all.

I haven't figured my next move yet. I want to see what cards will come this week. May be that I'll get a winning streak. May be that I'll have to pass, regroup and play the old strategy, the one from before I figured out that particular move. I just hope that if the cards won't be right I won't be losing much energy on planning moves I'll end up disregarding.

Stage 5 Day 13 (3)

Christmas came and went. It wasn't as bad as I was worried it would be at my mom's but still. I was mostly coping by exercising a lot, now my muscles are sore but I am happy. I'm not sure how much longer I should linger at my mom's, I was vacation well into January so I can leave soon or after New Year. We'll see but I'd rather leave for the city and get back to my own work and personal projects. I feel quite restless here. On one hand it's a good thing as it gives me reset and a new perspective on my habits back in the city, on the other I feel useless.

I had quite a lot of time to think and so I come with new insights. I think I know that's different with this stage and it's quite interesting. For the longest time I've believed that I am stronger on my lonesome and it had been true so far but on this stage I started to realize that I cannot live like this forever. One day I'll have to open up to someone, have the courage to love again. I long for a "home", to have someone to come back to, not to give meaning to this crazy world but to help find it. The only question now is who could this be?

Recently I've found this girl on tinder, she seems perfect but she doesn't seem to be active much and not that much interested. Still she woke in me this search as to what I want, what I look for in my partner. I wish I was given change to get to know her better, this may or may not come to pass (maybe she was simply busy during Christmas period?) but it matters little in the big picture. What matters is that there are girls like her, ones that impress and inspire me. Pretty but modest, self-assured, knowing what they want and going after their dreams.

Funny thing is if I wanted to kill my loneliness I could do it here and now. There is this girl who invited me to New Years Eve party to sit in two. She's pretty and clever but she's one of those who's self-esteem is the function of the quality of their partner - and now that she's alone her confidence is non-existent. I could be with her, I could emotionally feed off her. But I don't want that. I was in relationship like this, I know it won't bring me happiness.

I'm fine with waiting. I don't want to, but there is much to be done yet and I trust things will fall into place. If anything I'm surprised these longings were awakened in me after such a long time.

Stage 5 Day 18 (1)

Happy New Year everybody! I'd say I wish it to be better than the next one but can it possibly get any worse?

Perhaps it'd be better not to tempt the fate

I intended to make kind of a summary of the past year but I couldn't really do this. I felt physically sick the entire day. I had problems finding purpose and direction this entire day which is weird as ever since I came back to the city I didn't have a single moment of boredom.

I'm anxious about his coming year, not gonna lie. It will be full of challenges. I feel almost as if I'll have to work for at least the next 3 months daily without much rest if I am to get to where I want to be. Reality will validate how this will unravel but right now I'm quite scared of failure. The worst thing is when I think rationally I realize the task ahead of me is not that terrible but my emotions are racing.

There is this huge urge now to get on with all of the loose ends I have left and fix them ASAP. By the spring I want to have as much free time and energy as I possibly can have to focus it on new projects and job prospects.

I may not easily acknowledge this but I'm extremely dissatisfied with my current life situation. It's not bad but it can be so, so much better. Getting there will take time, work and responsibility but I can do it. I have to. I don't know what I will do if I don't succeed.

Maybe I'll try to post a summary tomorrow, don't know. As for my sub-related plan I will end this run and then run stage 7 (the refresher) for as long as possible. After that we'll see.

Stage 5 Day 19 (2)

1 done, only 364 to go...

Nah, I'm joking a little bit but to be honest I don't have high hopes for 2021. I don't think it will be better or worse than the last year, it will be the same. More challenges in my life may mean I will have something to occupy my mind (something I struggled with) but also.. well, there will be challenges and I don't feel strong or prepared enough to face them. I'm sure this week and especially the next one as I handle them one by one I will regain my confidence. Right now though I'm pessimistic. The future is bright, just not the immediate one.

The fact that I feel physically ill doesn't help much. My health was failing me this ever since Autumn and I can only guess that it's the product of corona scare and anxieties. I have vacation for a couple of days so I wonder if I should get to work or skip it for now. I'm scared though that not working while worrying about it will make it even worse unless I have something to occupy my mind. Exercises and walks helps but not when my muscles ache and it's so damn cold outside.

I think I'll run the next batch of sub a day early, I felt better, more upbeat and motivated while running it so I hope it helps. It's funny how on previous stages I felt better during the breaks.

Stage 5 Day 20 (3)

I've run LTU today and I do feel better. Somewhere between "average" and "bad" but at least not "bad". Also for some reason I keep thinking today is Sunday, I have no idea why though.

I keep feeling sick, I think it's due to my sinuses making pranks on me when atmospheric pressure is high. I've checked and there is a correlation - I'm not sure if there is causation but it checks out. Gonna make note of this in the future, but what worries me now is that forecasts say that it will only rise... F me I guess.

I was checking out prices of flats for rent in my neighborhood. I'm not planning on moving out until Summer and possibly Autumn but I wanna know how much would it cost and what is on offer. Thankfully there are nice places even in my current price range and if I land the new job my financial situation will only improve. There is no point in moving before I land the job though as I may need to go abroad for some time if I fail. So no eyeing any offers now, just studying the waters.

There were 2 kinds of offers that interested me. One was "studio apartment" (I have no idea if that's correct translation), all beautiful and fresh, with stylish furniture and brand new everything. The problem was that they are... small. Pre-COVID that would be fine, when you go to work and mostly sleep and relax there. But for me that wouldn't be enough, a flat barely larger than my current room alone to spend almost all day every day would be insane. Instead I'm eyeing renting a flat for 2 just for myself. These flats are older, not as nice but bigger, with 2 separate rooms. I'd love to turn one into an office and another into bedroom. I hate the fact that now I have to work and sleep at the same room and that would be an excellent solution.

BTW what I realized was that I really long for this idea of "home". I never really did before, I had my parents' place. But now I want this one place to call and make my own. As it's not easy to make emotional "home" with significant other for now I seem to be happy with a dream of physical one. I really lack this expression of myself, a place that would be shaped and molded by me for me. And I realized this is stupid, materialistic thinking but it really shows a deeper want I don't know how to realize just yet.

Oh, and one more interesting thing. I made a mistake. And sure, I make mistakes all the time, but here my intuition made a mistake and it's wrong only rarely. I the hindsight I think I should have stayed at my mom's until now. I wanted to leave for the city ASAP after Christmas and that was a mistake, I think I would've been happier there for another week or so, returning only today or tomorrow. Why intuition brought me to the city earlier? Dunno. But this is an interesting feeling for me to study.

BTW maybe you could help me out. I'm looking for some nice piece of software that would allow me (in cloud preferably) to make notes and nicely categorize them in some kind of tagging system. I don't plan on doing it just yet but once I'm gonna free my creative power from the shackles of my work I want to do really in-depth notes on many topic.

So I want a system where I could take notes, write down sources and quotes and be able to 1) put them in chronological order and 2) put them in one or several categories/tags. I'd include things like summaries of chapters of books I'd read, some Reddit and other forums posts I'd like to keep, YT videos but also my own musings, meditations, dream journal, record my experiments etc.

The interconnectivity is very important here, I don't want to put notes in just one category but I want to be able to filter it by the tag of interest.

Stage 5 Day 21 (0)

I had an interesting dream tonight. I'm having a lot of dreams recently, mainly after alarm clock wakes me up and I set it to run again in another hour or two. I dreamed of going for a walk by the river in early Spring or Autumn setting. I was going alone and I noticed my good old sweetheart (who probably appears most often in my dreams, maybe except my father) also on a walk on another side of the river with her female friend. There were a lot of bridges and paths and we both meandered. She was always for from me, either on the other side or in front. The closest I got was maybe about 10 meters, but they decided to go to the left (away from the river) and I went forward (along the river). Didn't see them after that.

She didn't notice me for a second though I was quite close and at time she'd see me in the corner of her eye. I was thinking about saying "hi" but I was too ashamed or shy to do it. She'd probably just scoff at me I thought. When they went left I thought for a second of going that way as well as to follow them but I didn't want to, I rather wanted to mind my own business. So our path diverged due to my decision.

I can only wonder what that means. Are our paths soon never to cross again? Maybe, we've studied or worked at the same place for almost 10 years now and I plan on bailing from that place. I have no idea what her plans are, she had opportunities to bail but she stayed instead, no idea why. What that meant was that every now and again I'd cross paths with her on the corridors, saying "hi" and doing some small talk perhaps to study the waters if she'd be interested in keeping in touch - she never seemed to be. Due to corona I have no idea when was the last time I saw her and, quite frankly, in a big city I have no idea if I ever see her again. She's as introverted as I am so our friend groups are small and don't overlap.

Maybe that is the end then. Maybe I will never get to say "hi" to her, to hope that maybe I'll have a courage to ask her out for a coffee if she'd nice during small talk. Maybe I will go my own path far away from hers and forget about her forever, like I did girls I had so much more with. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be, see her as a lesson in what fascinates me in women and what to look for in the future. Maybe one day I will stop having dreams about her and forget how she even looks like.

Why does this though make me so damn sad? Why I want the answer to be "no" when there is seemingly nothing I can do not to make it "yes".

In these past 10 years I didn't met anyone like her. I'm scared I never will.

Stage 5 Day 21 (cont.)

Dreams aside I still feel like crap. Mentally I'm mostly fine but physically I feel sick. I was thinking if I should go back to work today and I elected to take one more day to rest but I don't think rest helps me one bit. Really nothing seems to help me except for like an hour or so every now and then when I feel strong again - this fades quickly though. Again, my working hypothesis is the damn pressure which will not lower for some time.

So I am given little choice and I'll have to power through this situation until it subsides. Obviously I will not overbear myself not to make things worse but things need doing. And while I have time I'd rather tackle things if for no other reason than to get myself rid of anxieties like I described a few days back. I feel useless anyway, it's not like I can do something otherwise productive if I take it slow (like I did in November I think, one week off did wonders for me then).