Oookay. That thing in my heart - it's not just fear, it's a knot of very, very unhealthy emotional attachments. I'll be trying to get rid of them presently. It would seem to me, that whenever there is an attachment present, the shielding (even though it's pretty darn frickin' good) has a way more difficult job to do, because the attachment is working at cross purposes with it.
Still, these are inherently fear-based attachments.
And here's another problem with all of the above: on Sunday, I went with my derp metalz bro to that derp metalz gig. And there were *tons* of extremely attractive, young women in tight leather pants
there (amazingly enough for this particular genre); and apart from tons of IOIs, I actually had at least one approach me pretty directly (I was sitting down, drinking some water - because I still was not feeling up to snuff from Saturday, she sat down next to me, asked whether she can sit down, I said sure, I offered her my lighter, and she was probably waiting for me to open, but I was too engrossed in being maudlin, angry and miserable, derrrrrrrp).
Gaah.
Feel free to call me an idiot.
(Have at ye, you moron
)
EDIT
As you can see, I'm being a bitÂ
erratic here. But, hopefully, it simply mean I'm getting through this shit, hard. And hopefully, for the final time. It's actually way improved from previous situations of this kind for me.
Okay, figured out probably the best, sane way to inform that girl (and her BFF) of what I intended to tell her (basically - lay off the gaming, I was not born yesterday and I do not appreciate it; I made an honest offer to meet, you ignored it as a play of some sort apparently) without going into rage mode or wasting my time running after her. Normally, it'd be enough to send a msg of some sort, but she'll simply ignore it and think she's being clever. Going to do it on Friday. After that, my conscience's clean.
Well, this turned into a bit of an "afterschool special", but what's done is done, my conscience is now officially clean. It necessitated of me showing some of my emotional vulnerability to a person I currently believe I can trust, so I guess that's progress! Let's move on from this mess finally.
Feels like I'm going through an ultrafast grieving period. Now I'm feeling quite fine, but sad, and very, very sorry for that girl. Shit like that does not happen in a vacuum, something must have happened to lead her to act this way. Oh well, you live and you (hopefully) learn. Here's hoping that what I've set in motion yesterday will keep this situation from escalating.
All of the above is something of a "careful of what you want, you may very well get it" type of situation.
Everything seems to be falling into place now, perhaps my subc will finally get shit like that fixed once and for all.
Also, it would appear that what resulted in the above was: a) the primary reason I was scared of executing DMSI, b) curiously enough, the primary motivation behind me actually running DMSI like a stubborn maniac these past couple of years, for both very good reasons, as well as for some very, very extremely stupid reasons.
Also, I have now come to the conclusion that running DMSI together with the Directional Reflection Shield would not have been that bad an idea. I'm doing some clearing now, and oh boy.
Just had a rather hilarious random musing regarding creepy uncle Lacan's Seminar IX (On the Four Basic Concepts of Psychoanalysis), which we've been reading during hot Lacanian action this year, and Samuel Beckett's "Worstward Ho", and just how *exactly* the mechanisms of unconscious substitution and repetition are visible in my case, now that I look back on it, lol. But - the point being, we're getting very, very close to getting down to essential issues and changing them hard and fast on the level of the unconscious with these subs here.
I am still a little bit overactive and anxious, especially in my thinking (and can't sleep because of it), which is kinda crappy since I have rehearsal in the morning, but I've done rehearsal in worse straits than this, lol.
Also - in the spirit of full disclosure - I played out that little "afterschool special" drama in order to cover my sorry ass as well. That woman's father is an extremely influential person.
I won't lie. It's not good. The effect of that "afterschool special" is that I now know 100% that this woman is extremely dangerous and intends vengeance for... something. Maybe because I suspected her of gaming and shit-tested. Or maybe because she expressed her interest in me very publicly and I did not come running like crazy, but took some time to think it through (apparently, she told her BFF I "abused her" thus). Turns out, it's not her BFF that's the driving force behind what they're doing - that girl is tricking her BFF into going after me, using all of her orbiters to slander me preemptively "what a bad man I am" and how I want to get back at her by dating/fucking other women so that she can see it.
I got a slight panic attack after learning this before rehearsal (or rather - during rehearsal) today - it's going to look like I'm "crazy" about her (which was the intended purpose) after she "let me down easy" (by ignoring my polite request to meet, giving her time to think it through etc.). I do not care - not the first time shit like that happened regarding a woman I refused to pursue at that conservatory, so that I don't mind really; this usually airs itself out in a matter of months or something (besides, other women who are not blind/stupid can see right through such shenanigans).
But for some reason, I am really, really fucking scared right now, totally paranoid, and I feel absolutely powerless and helpless.
Because nobody's ever fucking going to believe me. I even started doubting my own perception of reality today. Fuuuuuuck.
Hopefully, here's to a better tomorrow. I am not going to be attending that conservatory in the nearest future anyway, perhaps only when I have business there.
Now that I got that out of my system, I feel way better and can see things aren't really as terribad as I painted them, lol.
Best not to engage with that girl, preemptively, though. She goes right on the "do not touch with a 20ft pole" list.
Honestly, I think I'm simply being afraid and paranoid due to a deep seated anxiety/fear about being punished for standing up to myself to any sort of woman of any kind ever as a kid. So it's not like I'm in ultra-panic mode all the time; I'll admit I'm using this journal to vent and get some attention to what's going on with me.
Maybe someone will find these ramblings helpful one day. Anyway, enjoy!
Also, I now have an idea for a screenplay I'm going to entitle "Suicide by woman", and it's totally going to be a psychological erotic thriller/neo-noir type of thing. Copyrighting this!
There's also a distinct possibillity I just really, really hurt this woman because I was being paranoid.
Whatevs, it's fine, let's finally lay this subject to rest.
OK, my grip on reality perception and memory is back (it's kinda fluctuating a little bit still, but that's par for the course), otherwise I'm feeling relatively fine, with moments when I'm back to myself completely. I'll try not to write on that situation as manically anymore, it's not healthy and I should be focusing on other things to get my grip back. That was a bit of a "shock to the system".
Tomorrow I have rehearsal and then I'm going to a nice little female friend's birthday party. Should help me re-center.
My little bout of paranoia seems to be cooling off, I still get moments when it ramps up a bit, but that's mostly in normally stressful situations (f. in. today before the performance - which, incidentally, went extremely well
). Otherwise, I'm all calm and everything, and in a pretty good mood (physically tired though).
Touring from tomorrow on until Friday out of town, could use some rest TBH.
Continuing my DMSIng. Preemptively, I'm lowering the volume back down.
EDIT
Actually, some of that "paranoia" became induced due to the way increased attention from everyone around I've been getting. People are looking at me like
wherever I go. I guess I'll get used to it once the stressfullness blows off.