Subliminal Talk

Went to do solo bardic practice in the morning (despite not having been able to fall asleep due to going bonkers with annoyed thoughts), and it went *splendiferous*. God damnit.

Still venting out the above mentioned frustrations. Non-stop since yesterday, ughhhh. Hopefully I'll be rid of them soon.

Lolz, slept for 14 hours (but I needed it) and upon waking up, had a return of those frustrations. Gonna talk to that dude tomorrow, as we're meeting to work on shite, and I'm going to tell him to stop trying to teach me "technique", lol. If he takes issue, then it's bye-bye.

The above, since it's so persistent, is related to a general issue of my subC. Something definitely is going on. It's like this part of me that's really dependent/has been trained up to be dependent upon the advice and opinions and others is in the process of slowly deciding that it's a bad idea, lol. Feels like some sort of "narcissitic death of the subject" is imminent. Hopefully this will happen sooner rather than later, as it's frustrating to the maxxxx.

Also, there's a chance that pianist guy is now thinking of me to a hilarious extent and is salty I refuse to accept him as a know-it-all Maestro. The DRS is helping a bit.

I finally calmed down and decided to simply call the guy and talk to him before we meet tomorrow. He actually apologized and said he was trying to help me, but he'll restrain himself and let me do my thing from now on (especially after I told him, "technically, you're trying to force me to do same things my MAESTRO of yesteryear was trying to force me to do, and this is triggering me" I used the guy's name as well, pianist-dude was all like "shit, yeah, sorry"). Good! So now I'm pretty calm about the entire affair and we're good to go. Back to DMSIng tonight. Been getting tons of attractive females literally beaming at me on the streets as I'm strutting my stuff these past couple of days, lol.

Wow, DMSI feels really nice and pleasant tonight.

Lol. Went to work with pianist-dude at that tragic conservatory place, ran into (you won't guess, lol) BFF + SLA, but only in total passing. BFF looked kinda scared, but SLA appeared to be very chirpy, now I'm worried (not really, though ). Also ran into two of my more loyal responders I've not seen in a looong time, and it was interesting to see the subtle differences in their behavior towards me on this version of DMSI. Looked very positive and promising though, gonna need more exposure and facetime. They kinda followed me around for a bit even, it was very sweet.

I'm in a very good mood though right now though, even though I'm extremely tired physically from all the Bardic practice I did today (now my ribs are sore I need to rest up). And funnily enough, I also had this sudden urge to listen to several *she's a witch!* type of songs, and now I'm all amused and rotfling internally, hahaha. I may be wrong, but it could be SLA-related. Hahaha, I love her. You wanna play, let's roll. I have something in mind just for you. 

Random musing of the day (hadn't done one of those in some time, lol):

The relation between the masculine and the feminine - and thus by extent of man to woman and woman to man - is not transactional nor supplemental, but dialectical.



#SexyZizek #Fuck You Lacan #Fuck You Hegel

Now I'm very proud of myself, as I was wandering all day long what the heck was I doing wrong in Bardic practice that prevented me from getting the exact same amazing results as I got on Monday, result in tiring myself out today to a great extent, and now 'I've figured it out, so I will now know in the future, lol (note to self: think "Hvoro's wonky turkey larynx" lol).

I am a golden god of sex and song.

It feels like the FRM is working in a very "nice and easy" manner now; I'll have something fear-inducing pop up in my thoughts/feel a dark sensation here or there, and then after a few moments I will usually get a sense of relief/a "retrospective reinterpretation" (creepy uncle Lacan had a term for that, but I forget what it was now in English [EDIT: I think it was "resignification", lol]) and then the dark sensation goes away and is replaced by a very nice, light, soothing feeling.

Got a call regarding that performance in September. Turns out, they want me to do a full recital, with a full orchestra. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. (Don't worry, I'm not nervous, more like excited, hehehehe). This is serious business and I require serious assistance. Reconnected with my vocal coach, we're meeting on Saturday to work, gonna tell her several things out of the door and then I think we should be good to go (damn, I'm getting really good at that "tell people what's what" thing  - and I'll go out on a limb and say that the DRS helps, because normally, in a "we need to talk" situation, usually I'd either face a "foch" (it's a Polish word which means that someone's throwing a tantrum of a sort, "mieć focha" ) or get attacked with negativity and blame-shifting in reprisal, lol, and thus doing stuff like that was extremely fucking tiresome emotionally for me) ).

Still, it's funny how every time I go to that darned conservatory and actually have a productive/good time - and especially if I have a good day singing or a female shows interest, lol - I need to rest up for a full day after, do a clearing or two and re-charge on energy, despite all that DRSing I've been doing. Heh. Some people. Still, we're getting there, my friends. Looks good.

Decided to start quitting smoking. Not gonna do it the "cold turkey" way, but more like laying it off gradually to ultimately stop (although I have a neat thingy that should help out and I'm going to use it). It's essentialy really related to that entire daddy Freud "primal process" thing [EDIT: same as the "video games dreams" I had some time back, lol], lol, and now that I've realized this, it's like, "heh, no biggie then". It's like creepy uncle Lacan says - all that shite is pretty much a symptom of a "lack in being" of some sort, heh.

BTW., chronologically, I first decided to contact that vocal coach woman and only then did I get the info on that recital thing. Serendipitous!

One of my YouTube step-mommies just released a talk on what's called the "smear campaign" touching a bit onto the energetic side of things, and it's pretty much spot on, I believe, and also went on to say that "a smear campaign is a form of psychic attack", lol, which I agree with and why I love me some DRS.


Still, as a freshly converted Freudo-Lacanian, I kinda can't get over the fact how people (and my step-mommies) use the term "narcissism" as a personality type/trait/disorder/whatever; I'm actually kinda tempted to write a little booklet on the issue (as it's become something of a fad, I believe) in the spirit of "return to Freud", lol, and maybe even send it on to my step-mommies because it could be extremely enlightening. I think I'll even do it when I have the time; just gotta get a couple of other things off my plate first.

(Hint: in short, daddy Freud used the term "narcissism" as "directing the libido onto oneself" or somesuch, lol. And no, "libido" is not "sex drive", heh).

I took the time to listen and I have concluded that this goes too far. It will lead down a road of more and more inches make a mile. This does get into spirituality, which many cannot differentiate from religion. So while I don't have a problem with the message and it wouldn't be a problem at all if she wasn't talking about spirituality, I do have to consider the "give an inch, take a mile" aspect that will eventually result. Please take down the link.