Subliminal Talk

BTW., that "dark shield" thing I also noticed during hot Lacanian action on Monday. It appeared to be coming from the direction of one of the male psychoanalysts who gives the classes/seminars. I was a little bit surprised, as I wouldn't have suspected him of it, but I believe he'll get over it very soon. I mean, this dude has some serious knowledge of psychoanalysis - if he gets hit with his own negativity, then I believe he'll get right on to trying to analyze it and be better off for it.

Feeling pretty wonky today, and not in a pleasant way. Probably DMSI is hitting onto something that's unpleasant (and by "probably" I mean, "definitely" ). Kinda feels as if some infantile part of me was experiencing pain it's unable to express other than by mewling or bawling. At times it gets covered up by more recent stuff, but I know enough about Freudo-Lacanian psychoanalysis by now to realize it's just the mechanism of repression and substitution at work, lol. I did perform a deep clearing today, and it seems to have helped a bit, but still.

Did that charity gig (not a big hassle, really), "G"'s dragging me to go that s(w)ingers club next week again (I mean, she wanted me to go tonight, but I've got work tomorrow in the AM ). Should be fun.

I did only manage to do 4 loops of DMSI these past two days due to being busy, and I think that 6 may be of assistance, so I'll try to do 6 whenever I can.

Interestingly enough, I'm noticing that these past three days (so since I started up this 2ndry ASRB 8-day period) when I'm about to wake up, I have dreams related to that SLA girl. Three days in a row? Weirdness! Something may be up. Trouble is, I don't really know what they're driving at, because they occur right before I have to get up and I need to cut them short in order to do so. Nothing untoward in those dreams, though as far as I can tell.

Feeling pretty good, but still a bit on the wonkier side as above. DRS is definitely very good for my work comfort, though. Preemptively back to deep clearings whenever I can.

Having one of 'em "song on loop out of the blue" day today, feels significant for some reason. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPnpEg3JKcg - here it is! (Note: the name of the band is a bit on the... erm... vulgar side. Interestingly enough, it's not the first song by these particular group I've had on loop on this ver. of DMSI, but I did not link 'em up because many of 'em have explicitly sexual lyrics (they're pretty kewl, though ).

Haha, that lovely girl who said she'd come to one of my shows today did not show up, but that does not surprise, as we were playing in total backwaters today (I wasn't kidding when I said that if she did show up, I'd have to propose, lol), but that won't stop me from giving her a hard time for it.

Ooooff. Had a rough day yesterday, hadn't had one of these in some time (pretty much since I started using the DRS, lol). In perspective, it wasn't as rough as it used to be sometimes, like f. in. on UMS when I was beginning to run it, but still. Had some pretty nihilistic ideas come up - kinda as if I had lost purpose, and having lost it (because I've come to the conclusion it's stupid ) I was like, "now, what on earth am I supposed to do now?" and anything that would come up felt like "lol, that's pointless too, who cares". So pretty much the first day in a loooong time I stayed at home moping about, lol. Didn't do anything productive apart from energetic shenanigans and running the subs.

Still, there's a chance it was a resistance reaction to something in DMSI. I decided that it's time to lower the volume way back down (to -25dB as per foobar), it felt like something "to do", and some part of me did not like this, trying to goad me into "increase the volume RIGHT NOW", but I decided to stick to it. Experienced tons of "clearing" sensations, as if something emotionally big was "passing through", with moaning and everything at times (lol), and then I started getting thoughts related to something that's been a point of contention re: DMSI for some part of my subconscious for a pretty long time now (it'd come up in one way or another on pretty much every version since, I dunno, 2.5?), so maybe that was it.

Anyroad, felt way better in the morning, went to bardic practice, it was good. I wish I had the facilities that would allow greater regularity for this, but I bet something'll come up sooner or later. Also, in yet another "back to high-school" twist, the woman who used to be my high-school principal (and taught me physics for a year), then switched to local politics and became the vice-mayor of my hometown, contacted me with an invitation to perform at my H-School's 75th anniversary at my hometown's philharmonic in September. It'd be a blast especially if they throw around enough potato to hire the philarmonic's orchestra, they're very good (I only sang there once, years ago, and never solo). Neat! I agreed.

Also had a wonky dream in the morning, very sexual in nature, and it featured quite a number of women I know personally, lol. It was sexy but wonky at the same time.

EDIT

My grammar's pretty terrible today, isn't it?

BTW., somehow my physical fitness levels and physical attractiveness that goes along with it have been skyrocketing lately. I'm close to being "fighting fit", and I have people commenting on it from time to time, which is neat! Still some ways to go, but it's going way faster now for some reason, even though I've not increased my regimen to anything too drastic (for reasons related to bardic practice, it's technical. Basically, we wouldn't want to pull a Callas, lose 60 kg of bodymass, including muscle mass, in a short period of time - or however much she lost back then, it was quite drastic - and then proverbially "lose your voice", lol, as she did all those years ago. Gotta keep it steady and gotta keep practicing and adjusting throughout the process, so as not to lose vocal control). I blame the DRS.

Back to DMSIng after the 4-day break. So we're looping from today on until next Friday. I'm touring again all week. Won't be able to do more than 4 loops from Monday on, but I'm using the time I have now to do 8, lol. I've also suddenly decided to go waaaay down with the volume (it's very, very low right now, foobar says -40dB or thereabouts; fret not, I can hear it all clearly, as I'm using the hybrid with headphones, lol), and I think it was the right call. Still DRSing with the best of them as well.

Bad news is, I'm gonna have to be careful with that "G" woman. She's: a) definitely trying to set me up with "E", in lieu of setting herself up with me, b) she's hell-bent on "helping me" even though I don't really want to be "helped" in certain aspects - basically, she's got *tons* of personal issues going on, including an asshole partner (like, totally. Textbook sonny manipulator type of dude) and an 8 y-o who's just been diagnosed with depression (no wonder, TBH, from what I've seen), and she's trying to "help" others in order not to have to deal with her own shite. So yeah, careful with that one (and, I'm sorry to say, she's going to DRS herself if she keeps at it). As well as with "E" - I feel for her, as her husband looks to be quite the asshole as well, but still. It's like the late Lemmy Kilmister once said in a one-off "ASK LEMMY" TV show type of thing where people sent in letters asking him for life advice: "You know what, I wish you all the best but actually, I don't give a shit about your problems because I have my own so *don't* write in, and see you next week" ( or something to that extent, I'll look it up on youtube and maybe link it here, it was hilarious). Otherwise, the professional/friendly relationship is worthy of maintaining and I'm supposed to teach a class in her stead next week. This I can do - the woman needs more time to spend with her daughter, and I'll be getting paid, so, it's a win-win! Hadn't ever done anything of the sort, but, to hear her say, all the people there love me, so I guess I'll just wing it until I come up with something that works, lol.

On that front, I kinda overspent my potatoes this month! It's nothing drastic (because I've got potato incoming), but it's a reminder to not do that. Also, given that self-love thing, I am frankly starting to believe that it's due to a lack of self-care and attention to one's own needs why I've done so. Had *tons* of ideas and thoughts regarding that self-love thing this past week in many other aspects and areas as well (the point being: it's pretty important! ). I found myself asking: "Is this really how much I care about myself? Shouldn't I care about my own well-being and security a touch more?". Lol. This applies to pretty much everything: sex, romance, professional stuff, finances.

Also finally pin-pointed the crux of what I was afraid of after that entire SLA thing (by the way, apart from sending egotic hating my way, she's still trying to psych-sed me as far as I can tell, lol. Won't work, love. Should be interesting to see how that's going to pan out given the DRS); and now I know what to call it even: let's call it "social betrayal", which I've had happen a great many times, lol. I'll spare you my Freudo-Lacanian take on the matter for now, but it's a thing, heh.

Hot Lacanian action was fun, but none of my sexy MILFs were in attendance again. I also believe that some of our friendly Lacanians were a bit salty because I apparently out-Lacaned them, re: "foxy psychotherapist". I guess my trolling of her + the DRS working its magic, and now they've noticed that this girl has *serious problems* and maybe now they'll do something about it, lol. The MILFs should be making an appearance soon enough as well, I bet! Apart from that, got an invite from that dancer girl with "dat ass" to join some sort of body-movement class yet again, and I think I'll bite, should be fun and educational. Have a little b-day party to attend tomorrow as well.

I am getting these moments when I feel very uplifted and "complete". Very wholesome! They come and they go, but when they come, it's *glorious*.

I have more, I guess, but that's all I'm going to write here for now.

Lol, that sweet little "O"'s older brother was in attendance tonight, talk about slightly awkward. He did make a couple of weird comments in the beginning, but we cleared the air soon after and actually sent hellos to each other with "O" through him and then he bought me drinks. Haha, I guess I should write her something erotic in the near future.

Funnily enough, people are noticing a distinct difference in behavior in that lovely ex of mine lately (same crowd, BTW., so she was in attendance tonight), and I noticed it tonight as well. Perhaps she DRSed herself...? Well, I guess there's this particular type of person who's going to keep projecting their own bullshit and problems unto others until they get hit in the face with the full extent of what they've been doing, lol. We'll see.

Out of other notable things, on the DMSI front, I got ass-grabbed by two very attractive women that were at the venue tonight while they were passing me by, and both were all like "Oh, I'm sorry I walked into you, ha ha :blush blush:", heh.

In unrelated (? ) news, apart from that onanizer thingy... erm, I mean "ozonizer" thingy, I also now have an air ionizer watchamacallit (so now my heretofore somewhat smelly apartment now has the smell of a nighttime breeze ), as well as quick, effective and easy to use means of doing sinus maintenance (although, frankly, I haven't really gotten any sort of serious infection/health issues every since I started running the DRS... coincidence? ) as well as lung maintenance. Good stuff, and extremely useful for bardic practice!

Oh, BTW., remember my blood bro getting some nasty, nasty bug about half a year ago that darn near killed 'im? (He's fine now, though) and had ze learned doctors confused as to whatever the hell it was actually. Turns out it may have been some earlier version of that nasty corona virus thing that's making itself known right now, as ultimately they concluded it must have been some sort of weird bug he brought with him from South Korea.

Heh. Had a dream that pointed towards the roots of that "fear of social betrayal". It's like I'm beginning to get the hang of it: notice a trigger, clean whatever pops out "in-the-moment" (so currently, in the temporal now, emotions etc.), think on it a bit, look for possible repression of something, et voila.

Heh. As creepy uncle Lacan said in that Seminar XI thingy, following Kierkegaard's lead: "anxiety does not lie". Anything of this sort pops up, *pay attention because it's important*, lol.

I think I'll switch to the Ocean-Surf/Silent Hybrid track, for variety's sake. Actually did it for the final loops of DMSI tonight, and it felt nice. Now DRSing (I think I'll keep the DRS on the Trickling Stream track).

Packing up tonight and going on tour out of town until Thursday, then finishing it up on Friday, and then I'm going to sing at people pretending I know how to teach them anything in the evening (as per standard "I am THE MAESTRO" practice of vocal education, in my personal experience, lol). I actually do have some funky tricks, but, I dunno, they're kinda related to my Sorcirer practice and *not* for public consumption. Perhaps private tutoring for mucho potato, then I guess I could use them to help someone out because I could control the spread. Wouldn't want some MAESTRO stealing it away or something, because fuck those guys.

By the by, kinda remembered I still have a copy of X124 on my phone, kinda tempted to maybe try it out every now and again together with DMSIng. I guess I'll, erm, whip it out when my gut tells me to.

Tour almost over. I was feeling kinda down throughout most of it, but that was mostly due to the "moron squad" being present in near-full force, lol; I'm basing this on the fact that once I DRSed enough, that started going away.

I'm also noticing that some parts of my subC are trying to work overtime, especially right after the loops in the morning, on trying to make sense out of that entire SLA debacle. Trouble is, it makes no sense, so I doubt there's much to be found there, lol. It's also probably a cover-up for something way more deep-seated which also makes no sense (but from what I've gathered from creepy uncle Lacan and daddy Freud's "primal process" thingy, the entire trouble with trauma is that it makes no sense, technically. Long story ).

Also noticing that on some level, my subC is primed to "wait for the other shoe to drop" whenever something good happens. Like whenever I get excited by anything, some part of me is *expecting* it to go south at some point, and then it usually does. Gotta get rid of that, I guess!

Suddenly had the urge to listen to a particular song and now it's looping \m/ I think I posted it back in some of my previous journals, but let's post it again! With lyrics. I like them.



And ze lyrics!

Develop every aspect
Enhance its foetal form
Distort for the purpose of another aim

For you shall know me
See why in shadows I hide
Lest be thy own defeat
Content refined

Truth might falter
Give up your vows
Update the aura
Of the shadowlit facade

Pinned down to your defences
By the struggle for one other's awe
Content in loneliness

For the dawn shall cast no shadow
From your monolith of lies
Descend from the delusion of degradation and despair
For the one that reaps good fortune
On the cost of all good faith
Suffering must lead him on
Amidst his loneliness

For the one who speaks besides his tongue
Shall learn all is not good and fair
All in vain - the search that never ends

Action, reaction
Still no words come clear
In denial of the constant change
Unbegun, undenial, unforseen by thee
The words underneath the shelter be
Spare me.

\m/

Also, the album's title is "The Mind's I", lol. Good album! Can't vouch for the exactitude of the lyrics, though, can't find my copy with the booklet so I copied something off the Interwebz.