Crap. For some reason, I forgot to set my loops yesternight and fell asleep before putting them on. I also slept a *lot*, like 12hrs+. Interesting, but kinda derp.
Anyhow, I'll make sure to do my loops tonight, and then it's 4 days of break, I believe.
On the musical side of things: it's funny, because now I found myself listening to the Scorpions' (\m/) "Send me an angel" whilst having Thorogoood's "Bad to the Bone" and Metallica's (\m/) "Fuel" running in the background of my head. It's kinda as if my subC was looking for balance, or was trying to connect the two, erm, slightly differing, I dunno... approaches? Desires? Whatchamacallit.
Still kinda miffed about missing my loops yesternight, but perhaps I just needed the sleep. Continuing tonight, then it's break - gonna go for some bardic practice in the morning, and then I've got a part-ay of some sort in the evening, which I may attend because why not.
Ooookay. It was not "need for sleep" to tricked me into not getting my loops in yesternight. Something's setting me off again. I put on my loops tonight, went to sleep, and thought I'd easily fall asleep because I was kinda tired and sleepy after getting my fitness regimen in (that's been progressing most nicely, btw.). Thing is though, I woke up immediately, and I was feeling upset enough that I had to pause my loops in the middle of the second one and go for a walk. I've set up the full four loops again and am listening to them right now. Still feeling upset and I have Schubert's "Gretchen am Spinnrade" going through my head on loop. Tiruriruriru-tiruriruriru-Meine Ruh ist hin, mein Herz ist schwer etc. etc. etc.
Yeah, I don't know what the fuck either.
I betcha I'll feel better after I do some bardic practice in the morning, but the disturbed sleep is probably going to require me to take an afternoon nap should I decide to go that part-ay.
I'm linking that Schubert song for your listening pleasure (as well as to get it stuck in your heads as well, because I'm a big meanie
). With the score, so that you can sing along if you're so inclined! (lol)
Oookay. I'm currently experiencing very deeply just how... lonely and alienated I actually feel. I also feel a measure of disgust at the chickanery and dumbidity that people insist on for very, very stupid reasons. In me mind's eye, the brunt of this is being directed at... my vocal coach? I mean, yeah, sure. I've got a legit beef with her, I guess. But usually when I get strong emotions about a situation - especially of the negative kind - it's usually symptomatic of something else.
I don't think I'll be going to that part-ay tonight. Not feeling like hobnobbing with that crowd tonight, even though it's usually a pretty decent opportunity to maybe bang a drunken slut or something, and then have everyone tell everyone about it after, lol, if you're into that kind of notoriety. I'll be seeing a group of friends who aren't complete idiots the day after tomorrow, though, for a "Dziady" party, lol.
EDIT
Out of fun stuff, I guess I got a "friend's request" on social media from a highly attractive girl I met once at a party of some sort, like, 4 years back? I remember we got flirty and were very much into each other, and I remember it set off my then-yet-not-ex to no end (I remember her literally shaking and getting red in the face in jealousy). Might be something, might be nothing, who knows. *Niiiice* one though.
BTW. I think I now know what that Schubert song was driving at. Actually it would appear that it's some sort of fear of vulnerability (emotional vulnerability to be exact), from what I can tell from my imaginings. It's kinda as if for me being vulnerable would equal something like "yeah, I'm absolutely terrified but I'm willing to die for this".
Internally things are progressing nicely, especially that fear of vulnerability thing, I think.
Still, I've had the following two things coming up in me mind these past couple of days: the Demons and Wizards (lol, but \m/ anyway) song "Heaven denies" (you can guess going by the title what it's all about I think; it's pretty swanky anyway) and the quote from Vergil's Aeneid that actually daddy Freud used in his "On the interpretation of dreams", I think? Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.
Usually translated as something to the extent of: "If I cannot convince the heavens, then I will move Hell itself."
I dunno.
Oookay. On the topic of "forgiveness" in a general sense: I've been attempting to be a total enlightened zen-meister and all, but now I've gotten to the point where it would appear that I'd have to forgive and let go of all the times people disrespected and/or demeaned me publicly, usually fellow males (but not always), simply to try to "one up" me or otherwise just get their hierarchical insecurities soothed, especially in professional settings. And some part of my subC literally went: "oh, man, do I really *have* to?"
I mean, with a sweet and sexy woman I have feelings for this is for me a *relatively* straightforward matter. Heck, I'm not even angry at my ex anymore, which is like "whoa, that's some light-side Jedi Master level shit right there".
But, I guess I'm going to have to this at one point or another, things being what they are.
I'm kinda reminiscing about this guy who's been a terrible asshat towards me (and not just me) in first academic and then professional settings. I remember attending some dude's diploma recital back in May, I think, and he was in attendance. Now, I was sitting next to this sweet girl I've met at some party a short time beforehand, and she chatted me up and was like "Hey, remember that time we were laughing next to my washing mashine?" only she said "chichraliśmy" (i.e. "giggling" or somesuch) which kinda sounds like "ruchaliśmy" (i. e. "fucking"), so I went all "We did *what* next to your washing machine?" because I'm such a charmer. She went all "oh, ah, aah, *blush blush*" and we had a laugh.
Now I remember seeing that guy (he was in my field of vision), listening in to this, and his face literally *sank* in like, shame and sadness and unworthiness. I mean, in some way, it would imply he was being an asshole to me out of envy, right, but pretty much because in some ways he'd just *like to be more like me*; I won't go as far as to say "be me", but maybe that too.
So I guess I could construe all that crap I've been thrown at by people like this could be construed as... something of an extremely backhanded compliment, I guess? Huh.
One of my best friends used to have a bit of a problem with behaving that way, just to assert dominance. He got A LOT better when he lost his virginity. There was a oeriod where I was just SUUPER angry over all the years he beha es like that, but I have since forgiven him. (It helps he's sincerely apologized and put in the work to change his ways) but yeah, I get it. Forgiveness cam be easier said than done. I've found I can forgive everybody who has ever mistreated me at this point, yet still have some work to do regarding SELF forgiveness.
Yeah, happens all the time with insecure guys (or at least used to happen to me pre-DMSI and then to an even greater extent on the earlier DMSIs). I've always treated it as more of a nuisance than anything else, really, sometimes I'd even find it slightly amusing, like for instance I remember back when I was in the beginning of my relationship with my ex, one guy started hitting on her at a party, I was like "yo, lay off, hands to yourself, man
", and in response to this he angrily challenged me to an arm-wrestling contest, lol (he lost twice); I did start getting fuming angry though when it started to turn into actual slander, and when it started to negatively affect situations and things I actually consider important.
There is a trend I'm noticing though - once I actually and deeply let go of such stuff, I'm noticing that proverbial "karma" appears to be hitting the people involved with quite a bit of intensity and swiftness. Or maybe it's something fun that Shannon's implemented in the newer programs (UMS, DMSI) and hasn't told anyone about it.
It still boggles the mind sometimes. I mean, unless you're *at least* a cruiserweight, and have been trained or at least are used to taking punishment, I could hurt you real bad or perhaps even kill you with several well-placed punches. I mean, you're still breathing only owing to my magnanimity, lol.
LOL yeah as Will Smith once said:"Don't Start none, won't be none." Meanwhile, I'm on one hand trying to develop spiritually and let shit go and be loving amd forgiving and adopt a "turn the other cheek" mentality, yet on the other hand, I am staying up late watching Youtu e videos that narrate Reddit posts that all tell stories abouy revenge and basically getting a revenge boner from listening to them. Glad to know though that letting go of shit and forgiving causes things to catch up with them. I've heard as much before. Just a word of warning though: you may not want to mention karma on your posts. I can't remember who it was who warned me about that, Ben or Shannon, but I do remember being warned about it being a violation of rule 4 myself. I've acrually violeted rule 4 multiple times and been told: "We've warned you multiple times. You can't pretend you don't know. Knock it off." So I'm just sayin... Be careful about rule 4.
Side note: I would love to be a big guy who people could take seriously in a fight. Thing is, even if I lift amd learn to fight, I'm still 5'5. You can't be "big" and 5'5.
(11-01-2019, 12:30 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]LOL yeah as Will Smith once said:"Don't Start none, won't be none." Meanwhile, I'm on one hand trying to develop spiritually and let shit go and be loving amd forgiving and adopt a "turn the other cheek" mentality, yet on the other hand, I am staying up late watching Youtu e videos that narrate Reddit posts that all tell stories abouy revenge and basically getting a revenge boner from listening to them. Glad to know though that letting go of shit and forgiving causes things to catch up with them. I've heard as much before. Just a word of warning though: you may not want to mention karma on your posts. I can't remember who it was who warned me about that, Ben or Shannon, but I do remember being warned about it being a violation of rule 4 myself. I've acrually violeted rule 4 multiple times and been told: "We've warned you multiple times. You can't pretend you don't know. Knock it off." So I'm just sayin... Be careful about rule 4.
I know, I know.
Hopefully, the fact that I used it in the common proverbial sense, as in "what comes around, goes around", won't be considered a rule 4 violation. I picked this habit up from reading Clavell's "Shogun", they'd keep going all "karma, neh?" in the book on all kinds of stuff and I found it amusing.
There's a silver lining to everything - a lot of times the fact that I'm a big guy (though I'm only about 5.9, which is pretty short for a heavy) actually draws angry lowlifes (and insecure boys) into trying to go all alpha on me. It's been going on since at least junior high, lol.
I don't know whether I'd necessarily call what I'm doing the "turn the other cheek" mentality, TBH (or maybe I'm just not that light-side Jedi yet, lol); honestly my motivations are primarily self-serving in nature. I do get the revenge boner thing; had this going regarding women actually for quite some time, especially later on the previous version of DMSI; I'd sublimate it by listening to angry, thematically relevant metalz and industrialz \m/
Gentlemen... you are sitting here discussing how discussing karma is a violation of Rule 4, and then hoping we won't get upset.
Keep it up and I will give you both some time off personally.
(11-01-2019, 07:29 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Gentlemen... you are sitting here discussing how discussing karma is a violation of Rule 4, and then hoping we won't get upset.
Keep it up and I will give you both some time off personally.
Whoah! Sorry Shannon! I didn't know that warning people ABOUT violation of rule 4 WAS a violation of rule 4! I just intended to warn him because I mafe the mistake of talking about karma once and that was met with a warning. I just wanted to warn him not to get himself in trouble accidentally. That's all I was trying to do, because I realized I myself had made you guys rather angry and syarted taking it more seriously. I wasn't trying to start a discussion on it. And I didn't think warning someone ABOUT rule 4 would be in violation OF rule 4. My apologies.