Subliminal Talk

Funnily enough, even though I felt like a golden God most of the time during yesterday's loops, after I finished listening to them I got rather rage-y, a "Hulk smash" type of deal. Fortunately I managed to restrain myself from breaking anything, haha.

Then I slept for a pretty long time (I remember bits of pieces of rather positive dreams), and now I've woken up and am very hungry. Feeling better health-wise, too, but at least a day or two of farting into my pillows left yet, to be on the safe side.

I'm still getting moments of Hulk rage, although of a lower intensity, on the first break day. A lot of them seem to be concerning "the usual" stuff that I'd often notice coming up in regards to DMSIng or USLMaxxing, and then, after I notice it, I get rage-y about the fact that *I'm still wasting my time on these*.

Otherwise, I'm in a pretty solid mood. Healing up rapidly.

Having a very weird day. So, I've been fuming for roughly half of it, pretty much arguing with myself, Hulk-rage-y at times and sad during others, but then it hit me.

It was similar to one what I described in one of my long, musing posts back in the DMSI 3.2 journal, when I was doing ver. A at a high number of loops.

Basically, the uppity parts of myself - the ones that are trying to resist the program - are doing so out of narcissism, or rather - ego. And it's very childish, how they go about it (I guess that's why people often call it "the inner child". And it needs "care" or somesuch, lol. No, it does not. It just wants attention and approval, haha. I believe clinically this is called "vulnerable narcissism", not to be mistaken with "malignant narcissism", which is simply clinical dickheadery). This, as all nefarious forms of narcissim/egotism, springs from fear of some sort, and the egotism is a defense mechanism, basically. So, these parts of my subC would pretty much prefer to remain hidden, change nothing and go about their business while avoiding anything that they perceive as a threat to an ego-structure they created to avoid being judged adversely by others. This is learned behavior and some sort of weird survival mechanism, input through socialization.

It hit me when in my internal dialogue I started taking the angry tack I find myself experiencing quite often when trying to stand my ground, or explain the destructiveness of their behavior, to actual people with narcissistic personality disorder (hi, mom! ). And then it hit me, and then it worked. Now getting the "subliminally tired" sensation, took a nap (but still tired), going to eat something and continuing DMSIng on the morrow. Feeling way less agitation now, though I still think getting rid of this crap is a work in progress.

Went to Bardic practice today, it went pretty well all things considered. Would gladly practice some more in the nearest future, but my practice space is going to be closed for the holidays. I do have an idea to get some more time and another place for practicing bardic skillz for next year, should be good.

Apart from that, weird stuff kept happening all around me as I was about town. Not DMSI related, just... plain weird. Like there's chaos all around me for some reason.

Anyhow, also went to stalk my usual haunt for DMSI-testing for a little bit today, gonna visit it more often come new year (haven't been there in a couple of months, heh).

Loops felt good this morning. I did nearly oversleep for bardic practice, because I got sleepy at around the 4th loop (despite getting a lot of sleep beforehand), but I guess that means that stuff is being worked on.

Continuing DMSIng on the morrow. Maintaining the high volume.

Ex invited me to her birthday party on the 28th, I think I'll go there just to stir some shit, hahaha. Besides, I got to field test the darn thing somewhere.

Feeling very, very weird today. Physical sensations seem to be indicating that something's going on, execution-wise, but I'm, I dunno, between agitated and awesome. This started happening as I was finishing up my loops in the morning, I took a nap and then I woke up, feeling a bit agitated and on edge. Not experiencing fear per se, but I believe this might be FRM hard at work, but it's shielded from being perceived/experienced consciously.

Lots of internal stuffies and thingies going on, with some pretty serious conclusions that should be helpful in the long run, etc. (a lot of it concerning that thing I mentioned two posts above). I lowered the playback volume to a low one (foobar says -20db) because I noticed that after over a week of the high volume (0db volume adjustment, hybrid track, headphones) I started experiencing some "but that's pushing too hard" internal backlash. We'll see in the long run how that works. I felt I may be trying to force the pace, so to speak, decided to try and enjoy myself a bit more with the whole thing.

Also still getting some thoughts/ideas etc. that seem to be related to USLMaxx more than DMSI, and they are fairly positive. 2 weeks left of USLMaxx P6 to go, IIRC.

I have also noticed that I'm back to using the "I now choose to willingly blah blah blah" affirmation/statement of intent for DMSI 3.3-D a bit. It seems to be working best when it's stated very calmly and matter of factly.

Continuing DMSIng today. Going back to Ze City tomorrow, been visiting my parents for X-Mas. Mum's still bonkers, but whatchagonnado, lol. At least it was pretty peaceful in general, got some rest, healed up some more.

EDIT

Also, received part of my monies for that academic translation job. It's about half of it. It took some time, but international wire transfers do tend to take some. Anyhow, I'm a bit worried that it's only for one invoice out of three I sent - gonna have to follow up on it. The scholarly lady said the gal who deals with this stuff on their end is a bit retarded and might require some pushing and prodding (and they have to pay me before the year's end or otherwise the grant money will go to waste).

Then again, it's still enough as it is for, like, an updated version of USLMaxx and LTU, heh, with some spare change leftover to boot.

Hmm, went to that party yesterday, got a lot of reactions from various females which were indicative of the fact that they really, really like me. No cigar yet, but it's kinda reminiscent to what I was noticing when TID for this version was kicking in, but more of it and more obvious (women do seem to be really enjoying touching me and placing their foreheads against my chest, lol). Also got some more internal conclusions which I believe to be FRM related.

Finally went to see my vocal coach today, voice's back with a vengeance. B) Some potentially interesting professional opportunities seem to be incoming, too.

Switched to Ocean Surf Hybrid for this week's session, I'm probably going to stick to it. Seems to be going down a bit more smooth than the trickling stream one.

Continuing.

Hi Have at ye, have you been using masked or hybrid to get those reactions so far?

I've been using hybrid pretty much exclusively ever since this format has been created. I sometimes, albeit rarely, use ultrasonic, but that's only when I have to be up and about and can't have headphones on me because of that.

Since I'm here, some things I noticed which I believe to be FRM-related:

After listening to one of my DMSI sessions, I noticed that I started having certain thoughts which would either result in me becoming angry, or getting resistance-like sensations (it's funny because I can physically tell when I'm resisting something in a subliminal program by now, heh. It's a dark, heavy, unpleasant sensation in various areas of my body). After that session, I noticed that *these emotional reactions were not there anymore*. So I guess some sort of fear regarding these thoughts got removed. It felt really, really good.

Yesternight, as I was listening to my loops, I noticed that I had a dream in which I was reading these forums, and remember seeing a post here by Shannon stating that "despite all the hard work, I must admit that there is no way I can make this program work" or something to that extent. Now that's grasping at straws, subC - some part of me (the uppity part mentioned above) started trying to convince me that the program cannot and will not work so why bother, lol, apparently.

Trouble is, I've got experiential and empirical data that belies that claim, so good effort, me, but nope, heh.

Still working on that egotic thing I mentioned some posts above, and it's progressing nicely.

Happy New Year's, everyone! Execute the shit out of these beautiful programs!

Everything seems to be indicating I'm on the right track. Basically, all I now need to do is to make sure I'm continuing to execute the script of the program, and all should be well.

By the by, for some reason I decided to add "fully" to the "I now choose to willingly etc. etc." affirmation which I'm using. So now it goes "I now choose to willingly, consciously and subconsciously, fully execute all of the script of DMSI 3.3D and I do".

EDIT

Listening to my loops for the day, then it's two break days.

A note on how I've been using the above affirmation recently (which seems to be rather effective): f. in. if I notice something untoward occurring, like fear-based or fear-related thoughts, or something that smells to me of internal resistance, I acknowledge it internally, try to dissect it to find underlying reasons, and then close it off by saying to myself in my internal monologue: "well, be that as it may, I now choose to willingly, etc."

The academic translation payments are being sorted out - I received 1/3rd of it, but it's due to some issues on the uni's end (they probably entered something incorrectly in the wire transfer order). So moar monies soon!

On the FRM front, yesternight, as I finished listening to my loops, I got another dream regarding the Big One (it's this fear that's been popping up ever since ver. 3.1, very apparent on ver 3.2, now it's getting sorted out) and the dream would indicate progress. I did wake up with a start at its end, when it hit something that apparently scares the crap out of me, but I'm pleased to report that despite that I was feeling calm on the conscious level (very little in the way of experiencing actual fear, maybe apart from a slightly faster heartbeat than normal).

A lot of insightful thoughts followed. Most of them connected to my self-esteem, which is what I guess that "narcissistic reaction", as I choose to call it, is/was trying to protect. Or the self-esteem thing was trying to hide a certain aspect of "the Big One" from me, I can't rightly tell. Both, probably!

On the general DMSI front, things are continuing the way I reported several days back. So it's working, is getting progressively stronger, and I think I just gotta keep at it.