Subliminal Talk

Also, a musical interlude:

Because I just remembered that after I woke up from the above mentioned dream, I had Iron Maiden's "Afraid to shoot strangers" going through my head for some reason.

Which also reminds me that for some other reason, I can't stop listening to Bruce Dickinson's "Jerusalem" from that "Chemical Wedding" solo album he did.

More pretty big FRM-related stuff last night. This break seems to be under the "FRM kicking butt" banner. I've been feeling a little bit shaken up this morning, but I went to bardic practice and the "in-the-moment" focus on the task at hand had a grounding and collecting effect on me, as it usually does.

Looking forward to running my loops tomorrow. I think that currently Ocean Surf Hybrid at what foobar says is -25dB on headphones is the sweet spot, judging from the strength which the program's has been affecting me since I've been using this particular setup.

So as I was listening to my loops of DMSI early in the morning today, I had a sudden, face-palming realization.

When it comes to the issue at hand - as in proceeding with something even though I may be finding it scary at some level - I realized that, well...

*I know how to do it*

I've been doing it for the past 8 years or so everytime I get on stage. Lol. And I've gotten pretty good at it over the years.

I have to go for some bardic practice now, but I'll try to elaborate once I'm back home.

The best thing is, if done correctly (it's a jedi mindtrick type of thing, really. An approach? An attitude? I dunno what to call it yet) not only does it allow me to perform as best as I can despite any extant anxieties or fears, it also oftentimes results in the effect called "stage high" - it's like all the adrenaline etc. which are being produced in response to doing something that's being perceived as dangerous are being channeled towards *a positive outcome* and *feel-good vibes*. Now, should this be applicable to any goals which may require fear removal... f. in., fear removal itself, lol... and I don't see why it wouldn't... this could be good.

A little bit on the DMSI front:

Met a lovely little lady at my ex's birthday partay (so last week), and she was very much responding to my presence. At New Year's, I sent her some best wishes etc. Today, I was at a meetup with friends (same crowd, no ex in sight thankfully By the by, I'm fed up with her. She stalked me to the new year's party I was attending, even though she explicitly stated at her birthday she ain't going there, lol, and tried pulling her usual stuff, haha. Well, good luck with that now, hon ), and one of the guys who was in attendance (friends with the lovely little lady) informed me out of the blue that "lovely little lady says hello". I'm like "that's nice, thank her for me", to which he said: "you know, she's been wondering whether you are flirting with her", to which I said "scrap that, I'll thank her myself" (lol), thanked her for the "hello", got an immediate response with "hopes for a meeting soon", heh. We shall see how this develops.

I'll write more about that thing from my previous post tomorrow (I am attempting to use that "performance focus mindset" thing to facillitate relentless fear removal and thus increased effectiveness of execution, and it does seem to be working. I'll need more time to know for sure, although, heck, maybe with the slated improvements to FRM it won't be necessary in the long run). Kinda tired, and have a thing tomorrow to attend. Bardic practice went very well, also ran into two of my more loyal responders while I was at it (I kinda had a hunch earlier today I'd see the first one, because I found myself thinking of her butt for no apparent reason - apart from it being a very nice butt, obviously - the other one accosted me out of the blue, lol) and now I have a thing tomorrow to which I got invited by one of them, heh.

Continuing DMSIng, 5 loops at -25dB, Ocean Surf Hybrid.

Crap. I overslept for that thing, because as I was DMSIng, I got another waterfall of insight on various topics (which seems to be occurring every time FRM does its thing) and couldn't fall asleep for a pretty long time because of that. Worth it, though. Interestingly, got quite a bit of ideas related to my Sorcerer practice, which I haven't touched in some time due to the energetic requirements of any practical applications, but it coincided with some very wonky sensations.

Huh. Slept through most of yesterday, started up my loops, fell asleep soon after, slept until this morning, and am still sleepy. :-o Dunno why, really, but I don't mind, as I'm touring all next week again (hoooraaay...?), so it's good to rest up a bit beforehand.

Fingers crossed I don't catch any cold or other airborne infection *this* time around, lol. Buying some medicine preemptively.

Now I know why I've been such a sleepyhead. Something in the program (probably FRM + all that other neat stuff that's in there) has been having me working overtime on working through the causes/reasons, or at least effects/reactions which occurred a long time ago due to it, on that "narcissistic reaction" I've been mentioning lately. So it's taking up lots of mental energy. Now I'm kinda hungry, but still feeling like just lying and thinking, and maybe napping, heh. Wondering whether to maybe order some take-out, but then again, it'd be nice to go for a walk or something, ogle some females.

I'm now pretty certain that direct H&C is not going to be necessary to achieve this, or any other program's, goals, as it seems to me that when an internal change is required in response, it is going to occur as long as it is not being actively blocked by the user (with fear being usually the core reason for them being blocked).

I also now think that a lot of ego-based resistance to subliminal programming is the result of good 'ol "sunken cost fallacy". Having had a lot of energy, time, etc. (a lot of *life*, basically) invested into defining oneself in one way, observing particular survival patterns et. al., may result in an unwillingness to let go of it and do something else due to it being perceived as a literal "waste of life". I'm reminded of this quote from, I think, "Dune" - "When a person has become one thing, they would rather die than become its opposite" (or something to that extent, it's not that accurate an analogy for me to go look it up. Also, I'm sleepy ).

Just brought up sunken cost fallacy with a friend yesterday afternoon myself. Even if it's explicitly referenced in 3.3, that's still funny timing.

Huh. Managed to convince the boyo to take three days of the tour this time around. Very good. I'm totally fed up with the material by now (and some of the fellow tour-members, heh). Setting up my loops for the day, then it's two break days.

Good progress on the DMSI front as far as I can tell.

I've been feeling rather sad since Monday evening. Still also sleepy over the norm. I believe this is an effect that DMSI's having on me - I don't think it's necessarily a bad sign, either. Normally, I'd busy myself trying to counteract it, but this time around my instincts are telling me to try to ride it out. It seems to be related to certain fears which seem to be either the cause or the result of (or both) of certain self-esteem issues which I've been fighting (because they are completely irrational, as these things tend to be), but which would make sense when I think of it, if taken as a memento of childhood days. Can't wait for Friday, so that I can put some loops on and perhaps move to a further stage of progress.

The funny thing is that I keep getting DMSI-related occurrences despite that (among other things, I got a very sweet IOI on Monday from a highly attractive touring partner which I've not seen yet before at all Clever girl - it was extremely subtle to outside observers, but very effective as far as seducing me, haha. She basically maneuvered her hand while in conversation so that her wrist was very close to my nose so that I could smell her up-close, held it like that for a good 5-6 minutes, occasionally checking out whether it's having the desired effect on me, haha. It was, lol). Although sensitive people have been noting that I seem sad these past two weeks (even though I myself wasn't really noticing it, consciously at least).

Also, I believe that from Thursday on the P6 of USLMaxx is going to finish unwinding, so it'll be pure DMSI from then on.

Also x 2, as seems to be usual on my break days when I'm using the particular format/volume settings (Hybrid OceanSurf, volume foobar says -25db or thereabouts, headphones), I've had a couple of lucid/semi-lucid dreams. In these dreams, I usually set out to do something, and then I run into weirdness that appears to be some sort of fear making itself known, and then I try to actively remove it as well as I know how until I'm either done with it or have had enough and wake up.

Got some more weird dreams as I was sleeping my ass off, this time they were not of the "lucid" type. The worrisome thing is that they're pretty frickin' violent. Oh well.

Anyroad, hopefully I get that sadness thing sorted out soon, as I'd rather do some productive stuff, too. Going to bardic practice today, continuing DMSIng on the morrow.

Forums are back, woo!

Anyroad, the sadness passed for the most part. I got angry for a bit, and now I'm feeling better and more motivated to do stuff. Bardic practice is going swell.

I had a dream last night, as I was DMSIng, in which my subC was symbolically representing the process of fear-removal, I think. I remember last time this happened, I got a resistance-reaction afterwards. Not this time, though. Neat-o.

Continuing.

Feeling halfway decent today, totally doing quite a bit of "spring cleaning" in my apartment, so to speak. Cleaning up, vacuuming, throwing out useless stuff, etc. And it's been kinda messy here lately, as I've let the darn place go when I was ill for an extended period of time.

Internally, I feel more driven to execute the program. I think I have that darn resistant part of myself on the ropes now. Just gotta keep at it.

Curious to see how FRM 4.4 is going to work out. I'm planning to switch around my listening pattern a little bit, to have the off days fall on the weekends, so I'll do that once 3.3.1D is released.

Two days of break now in the old pattern.