Subliminal Talk

(11-18-2018, 04:04 PM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]I am listening to Tipper's video you posted in this journal, and I've listened to it 3 times now. I wonder how long/how often he built and edited his own work back and forth, numerous times. Considering the mass output and the multiple sounds playing, I'm sure--he did it a lot.

I'd love to hear a creation of yours Mat. You are a talented composer, a trait not common, and I also have done pieces in my head plus have wondered how composers make such intricate pieces sound so.......easy. I listen to a lot of John Williams, James Horner, and Hans Zimmer, all which have built their names by putting together major movie soundtracks. And........all are likely perfectionists as well. But somewhere along the lines, someone heard them and believed in them.

I'm not sure your self doubt is so accurate. I'd like to hear your intuition pieces

Thanks for sharing this, as your honesty is felt.

He takes quite a while with his music. I recall reading an interview with him saying it took him 4 years to finish a certain album.

Thanks man. Movie composers make some amazing music. I've always admired their ability to compose in a way where the music evolves based on the events going on in the movie. The music always has a certain journey or path it takes. A lot of the electronic music producers I admire do the same thing. I'm still working on it, a lot of my music suffers from repetition and sounds too much like loops stuck together vs one cohesive piece of music.

I've actually got a whole bunch of songs up on my soundcloud if you wanted to take a look. https://soundcloud.com/hconscious

Good stuff mat, keep on producing, listening and experimenting
Hopefully sub doesn't take away too much of your creative energy because i've been feeling pretty tired this week.

Matt, I'd like to share something with you. I listened to about 4 of your songs yesterday on Soundcloud before heading in to work. I actually remembered and felt something while listening.

Roughly 20 years ago, I was on a music scholarship at my community college. I didn't have life goals at that time, but I could play my French horn for them, and it paid for school. This is when and where I did a lot of music mixing in my head. And......I failed music theory. Fear of success won that time.

While listening to your songs, I read the titles, and tried to pick up the feel of each to see how they clicked. I suddenly remembered my college days, where I lived in fear daily. I remembered how I'd feel a beat, follow it maybe 2-10 minutes, and consistently, repeatedly, and even daily fear would kill my ambition and dreaming to create and expand. This was all in my head yesterday, but I believe I sensed a familiar hesitancy in a few of your songs. Did I sense this correctly? If not, please let me know. I, myself, can be very sensitive and attached to personal creations. I'm desiring to be objective.

Why I brought this up is my willingness to open up and be creative is surfacing once again. I feel a strong motivation to achieve and succeed on USLM, and even after listening to your songs.......I imagined singing and rapping (what?!) to an old black coworker who loves to laugh and socialize, me imagining myself making stuff up on the spot. Fear has sat on my creativity for eons, and I'm loving this door opening wide.

We're both INFP's, and I'd like to encourage you in your music creations.

Note: I said I failed music theory. It was like taking chemistry, but naming it "theory". I'd go back now.

(11-21-2018, 01:22 AM)findingme Wrote: [ -> ]Matt, I'd like to share something with you. I listened to about 4 of your songs yesterday on Soundcloud before heading in to work. I actually remembered and felt something while listening.

Roughly 20 years ago, I was on a music scholarship at my community college. I didn't have life goals at that time, but I could play my French horn for them, and it paid for school. This is when and where I did a lot of music mixing in my head. And......I failed music theory. Fear of success won that time.

While listening to your songs, I read the titles, and tried to pick up the feel of each to see how they clicked. I suddenly remembered my college days, where I lived in fear daily. I remembered how I'd feel a beat, follow it maybe 2-10 minutes, and consistently, repeatedly, and even daily fear would kill my ambition and dreaming to create and expand. This was all in my head yesterday, but I believe I sensed a familiar hesitancy in a few of your songs. Did I sense this correctly? If not, please let me know. I, myself, can be very sensitive and attached to personal creations. I'm desiring to be objective.

Why I brought this up is my willingness to open up and be creative is surfacing once again. I feel a strong motivation to achieve and succeed on USLM, and even after listening to your songs.......I imagined singing and rapping (what?!) to an old black coworker who loves to laugh and socialize, me imagining myself making stuff up on the spot. Fear has sat on my creativity for eons, and I'm loving this door opening wide.

We're both INFP's, and I'd like to encourage you in your music creations.

Note: I said I failed music theory. It was like taking chemistry, but naming it "theory". I'd go back now.

Thanks for the listen! Yeah you pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. I picked up music production when I was 20, but it took me till I was 22 to start really working on it seriously and I'm 27 now. Even after the fact I always really struggled with expanding ideas and developing songs. I'd find myself avoiding it even though I wanted to enjoy it. The hesitancy is a good way to put it. I was actually thinking of that yesterday. I've been too afraid to just make stuff and let lose with it. It's almost like this restrictive feeling where I want to break out and express myself, but at the same time I'm never too happy with what I create. Part of that is this initial burst of creativity and energy, but as I work on the song more I realize that even if it's a catchy riff or a solid drum groove there's still more to a song than that.

I guess there's a mismatch between what's in my head and what I can actually create at times. And it's that ongoing frustration when I end up working on a song that results in me being disappointed that I couldn't get it to sound like what I wanted. I've been telling myself it's my knowledge for years now, but I realized recently it's just experience. I've been too afraid to make music consistently and overcompensated by swamping myself with knowledge having to do with music theory and sound design. Thinking if I just learned a few more things it would unlock this key for me and I'd be able to create more easily.

---

Update on USLM. I was driving home today and I was thinking about the work week. I just thought to myself, man this sucks. Thinking about all the work I'm doing, all the time I'm putting in, and I just don't care about any of it. A lot of my motivation has been fear in life. Hell, I'd force myself to learn challenging concepts and stress myself just for the sake of being able to say I'm not an idiot. But lately those fears are fading away. I don't care if people think I'm dumb, that I'm not some technical genius when it comes to computers, that I'm not doing something challenging in life.

I feel like I dug myself a hole. Lately my mind has been like "Why are you doing this? Do you even want to do this?" I think of the next level beyond my current position as a system admin or something and think of all the work I'd have to do to learn more and how I'd have to be in charge of all this stuff. It fills me with this stressed out feeling and an almost visceral feeling of being repelled from it. Computers have always been something I've been good at. But not on a ridiculously good level like some programmers or computer science guys. It's pretty much what my parents encouraged me to get into when I was younger. To a certain extent that's all I was good at. When stuff broke or needed to be fixed I fixed it and got praise and I think on some level I just hung onto that. I told myself that this was my worth, how good I was with technology and computers and whatnot.

Overall I got security with this job. I got money, I got health insurance, and for the first time I felt like I was gaining experience that would make me valuable in the work force. But it feels restricting, I don't want to be tied to this route just because it's the safe thing to do now. It's hard because I've never been the type of person that can bounce back from stuff. What I mean by that is I've faced so many challenges in my life and getting from point a to point b sometimes is a huge ordeal. Sometimes going back to point A and starting all over is just so terrifying, I can't imagine doing it again.

I'm just really lost is all. Or maybe I'm not lost and I just have fear blocking the way from doing what I really want to do in my life.

It's good to know I did sense that correctly Matt. I was thinking about that today, when voila, I was talking to a man I'd never have guessed wrote and sang songs himself. He's written rock, country, and pop, but what he pulled up was all gangster rap, not my liking or messages I prefer. He played me two songs he and his brother recorded. The one thing that intrigues me in it is how he and others can weave words and sounds together to make something that sounds good and makes complete sense to their audience.

I was listening to his actual music mostly, and I said something I thought quite on point. I was asking how tough it was to get into the music scene, and we talked about it. But what I pointed him to was that (IMO) people listen to be inspired or motivated by a musician. They may never act out what they see themselves doing. But they will always remember how it made them feel, even if just fantasizing about it. They'll even buy new music he produces, hoping he'd hit those good memories and feelings again.

I think of Aerosmith. I was never into them growing up, but they came out with a number of songs used in 3 separate movies I can think of now. In 2 of them I see and hear myself doing backup singing or guitar work. And the songs still touch me since I instantly remember the story line with each song. Those songs touch a part of me which knew I could feel good and be happy with myself. Every time I hear those songs my mind goes there.

And I think......we all have a song in us. I write so much here since it's closer to music than not, since I'm creating constantly. I think of Mr. Holland's Opus who, as a lifelong high school band teacher, never thought all the little things he did really mattered. His opus was a very touching piece for me--since he created it thinking it'd never be played. It had horns and a complete symphony weaving a small representation of his life. I was teaching when that came out. I'll post it, if you've never heard it. It comes on strong, pulls back, weaves something exciting in the middle, and.....in my head it never really ends. Like most songs which stick. I play them over and over in my head, to hang on to the feeling it created, plus build new feelings.

I'll give that a listen when I got some free time. Looking forward to it

Appreciate your input man. Music is tough. On one hand I enjoy the creation of it. But on the other hand I do have this need to be validated with my music. Someone to recognize it, appreciate it, be inspired by it. Anyone who claims they only make music for themselves don't seem like they are telling the whole truth. Why else would people want their books, music, movies, TV shows in a form that could be easily shared among people?

Sometimes I think my attempts to be super independent puts me in a worse situation than accepting my humanity at times.

The need for validation stems from a fear that you are not good enough unless someone else says you are. That too will go away.

When it does, you will be left with just the creative process and the pure joy of creation. Your music will be an expression of the true creative within you, and the joy it experiences at being and doing what it is meant to do.

(11-22-2018, 08:54 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]The need for validation stems from a fear that you are not good enough unless someone else says you are. That too will go away.

When it does, you will be left with just the creative process and the pure joy of creation. Your music will be an expression of the true creative within you, and the joy it experiences at being and doing what it is meant to do.

Thanks Shannon. Currently coming off my two day break so things got shaky there. That's definitely one of my goals. It's been my goal for a few years now ever since I encouraged myself to create more. So it's good to hear I'll reach that state of mind.

I've felt pretty down lately. Went out Thanksgiving eve with some friends. It was good, but I just felt unfocused. Like I was there sort of enjoying myself but another part was detached. Had trouble integrating into conversations. Also just didn't feel much desire. Just very meh. I was dd for the night which doesn't bother me. But I wonder how much alcohol helped other people have a good time.

Sometimes I feel like a real outsider even among my friends at times. I don't know how much of that is in my head, blockage from fear, whatever else. But I'm just keeping on with uslm and taking it one day at a time. Sometimes it's good to acknowledge it's not always the outside change. Sometimes there's stuff going on in the inside that's also a lot of hardwork.

But on a positive note there was a DJ/producer at one of the bars I talked to towards closing time. Swapped SoundClouds. He showed some interest in collabing so that could be cool. Still not confident in my stuff, so it's always hard considering working with others when I can't even really vouch for my own stuff.

I think my definition of success is very different from the common view of success. First I have to unearth what it is I want and then get it.

I took a trip to Maine to visit my mom. She had moved there recently. Her main goal being to get away from NY and the rat race that ensues there. I've got a love hate relationship with NY. There's a lot of cool stuff here, a lot of great music came from here and culture. But man does it really kick you in the nuts at times. I swear NY has an energy to it that you get sucked into. It's very frantic, edgy, sort of tense. I'm not in NYC, i'm in new york state. Even then I feel it. But anyway, I spent a few days in Maine and it was peaceful there. It gave me a look into what life could be like if I didn't stay here out of fear.

Not sure where I was going with this post. But basically my current job, I can't get behind the values of the company. Or more specifically I just don't care, and I don't particularly like giving my time to it. It feels like a leech, just sucking up my energy. My brief time in Maine gave me some time to think about the type of environment I'm exposed to here in NY.

I just really want a way out of all of it. Except I can't figure it out. At my core I now recognize that I'm very different from a lot of people and I have different needs and shouldn't be ashamed of that. Learning to understand my own needs and what makes me happy is very important. For a long time now I've felt like I'm "failing to integrate". Everything about how most people go about life rubbed me the wrong way.

At the end of the day everything seems to boil down to money and I hate that. Everything always ends up "but can I make enough money to survive doing this?" I hate that fear, I hate that I can't think of anything else except how to survive instead of live. I'm like a goddamn panicked animal that's just reacting to it's surrounding and is constantly on edge.

There's so much more to life. But when you're trapped in this stupid fear cycle it's like you get tunnel vision. Options seems limited, life falls into a strict routine, you feel like you're waiting for something good to come around but it never does because you never move beyond what holds you back.

I'm just venting all this because I'm really frustrated and rather pissed that there's an unseen pressure to fall in line with certain expectations in society. Expectations that I'm really done with. I feel like I've been following stupid arbitrary rules and guidelines implanted into my head that shouldn't be there in the first place.

I realized something today. What makes music good is how clearly the person making it puts themselves into it. I've been too afraid to make bad stuff, so I've been playing it safe with my decisions. But by doing that making music got very claustrophobic in a way. That actually generated more fear because now I felt I had to absolutely get it right and anything else was "wrong".

A lot of this was due to getting bogged down in the technical details. The more I read into the technical stuff, the more I got worried my own tracks were technically bad. But a lot of it was just fear or what ifs. I've listened to some of my older stuff and even then it wasn't terrible. It wasn't super polished or professional quality, but it wasn't unlistenable either.

I feel like there's potential in me. I just have to trust in myself and believe I can do it. I used to have a bad habit of holding up all my favorite producers on a pedestal and then believing they were somehow inherently better than me at all this. But they all started the same and I'm no different. I just have to stop doubting myself.

Still really tired. Gonna work on something now though. I had to drag myself from my couch and force myself to sit down and work on my music. It does feel like it's gotten easier though, so I'm looking forward to that becoming even more natural in the future.

Great realization. I know nothing about music production, but what you've just said definately hits home.

Wanted to talk about a dream I had the other day. Without dragging it out and getting longwinded it was basically me talking to a girl and her constantly questioning why I was the way I was. It hit me really hard in the dream and after waking up. I've gone most of my life feeling like there is something inherently wrong or flawed with me. I spent years trying to disprove that through being good at something, getting people to like me more, being overly friendly, avoiding, whatever else I developed. I used these things as sort of buffers to never get the chance to see the real core individual. I guess at the heart of things I was more terrified of being true to myself and being rejected vs contorting myself to fit and control my interactions with people.

It was always a real slap in the face growing up and a horrible cycle. Suffering from a serious case of social anxiety would cause me to act different around people. People would sense this and feel there was something "wrong" and treat me as such. This generated more anxiety which made it harder to be myself, which resulted in more rejection from my peers. The more this happened, the more I was unable to separate my anxiety from who I was as a person. Eventually they just melded into each other and as I whole I perceived myself to be defective or worthless as a person.

I'm still unraveling this one. There's a certain detachment to something like this or denial. Knowing on one level this isn't true, but on another completely different level feeling that gnawing sensation that something is wrong with me. It presents a real cognitive dissonance at times.

Another dream I had. Rather cohesive, not at all random.

It's the future and technology has gotten to the point where people's potential is predicted and overall happiness is measured in a series of specific calculations through computers. There are two groups. The intellectuals who are granted access to higher paid jobs such as lawyers, doctors, engineers, etc. Then the farmers, trade workers, more physical labor oriented individuals. In the dream I'm hanging out with a physical labor guy who attempts to pass a test to be upgraded to the intellectual group. Upon completion he goes to the head guy and is very excited. However this head guy does things at his own discretion and has ultimate say. He says that based on the test he does pass, but he won't grant him access because he doesn't feel like it.

I get angry and confront this head guy. First I start yelling at him. But then I switch to a more diplomatic/convincing approach. I talk about the subconscious mind and he scoffs, claiming it isn't real and is a figment of imagination. I tell him people's potential isn't written in stone, it's adaptable flexible, ever changing. You can't quantify it in a series of calculations and assume you know what's best for their happiness. Once you plant that seed in their head at a young age, base an entire system around that that is self reinforcing, you generate beliefs in the subconscious that people follow. It's a self fulfilling prophecy more than the truth. I might as well have been talking to a brick wall because this man was convinced he knew the absolute truth about how humans work.

This dream has very strong parallels to what I see in day to day life. I see people that are so convinced they know how things are, unwilling to question, unwilling to change, unwilling to see a different perspective. Holding onto a handful of beliefs that they interpret as the truth and pass these beliefs on to others unconsciously through fear.

And yes I have fears when it comes to technological advancement. I don't want to reach a point where some huge company somehow convinces the masses of people that they've figured out how to map out their lives with precision and guarantee happiness. Maybe this is me being afraid of USLM and having it guide me towards optimal goals. I'm not entirely sure. I just worry for the future sometimes. Change is gradual, if unscrupulous people slowly introduce that over the years and develop an ever building reliance on something sometimes it gets to the point where it's too late to go back. We already see that with stuff like smartphones and the internet. It does make you wonder if we fell into this due to the rapid development of technology or if there was some well calculated analysis of how to capitalize on it by rich people with the time, energy, resources, and now humans are exploited.