Subliminal Talk

Funny how we talk about growth and progress and I just realized something. Today at work I had a bunch of issues pop up and I was able to handle them one by one without getting super anxious.

For a while at my job I've always been anxious of harder issues popping up. Worrying if I'd be able to solve it. I'd get so worked up. My issue was always thinking too short term. I'd think to myself "I have to solve this NOW!". So I put pressure on myself, which caused anxiety, which basically short circuit my ability to think, which didn't allow me to solve the problem, which made me more anxious, etc. you get the idea.

In addition to that I still have a tendency to base my self worth in my intelligence or my ability to do stuff. So when I meet a challenge I legitimately become afraid. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but for a while now I haven't been challenging myself because when I couldn't solve an issue or something was really difficult it made me depressed and feel worthless.

All this has prevented me from moving up or becoming more skilled. And I've realized that even though my passion is music, my discontent with this job is largely due to fear. Even if I want to do something with my music, I still need a way to make money. And if I can become skilled in this stuff to the point where my skills are valuable, I can support my music through that. And if somewhere down the road I don't need to do it anymore that's great, but it's always good to have a backup plan or a fallback.

To be honest I've never been truly confident in anything I've done. I always feel like I'm either just scraping the surface, getting by with luck, or incredibly incompetent. I'd like to change that so life is easier for me. I've learned that everyone has their struggles, but this world is unforgiving. People just want to see confident, self assured people. Like it or not, despite what I deal with, nobody on the outside really gives a shit. If I want to enjoy life more I need to change to the point where people are willing to respect me. In an ideal world people would understand the complexities of their fellow humans and be willing to look beyond that, but that's just not the world we live in. We live in first impressions and metaphorical boxes we put people in.

Had a dream I was in NYC and bags got stolen. I had to track them down because my scanners from my job were in there lol. Goddamn I can't even get peace in my dreams. Must be residual stress from the past week.

Finally finishing up my track I've been working on. Really want to move onto something new. I've reached all I can achieve with this current one. Spent too much time on it I feel. Well for how it turned out anyway. About 75% of that time was just due to self doubt so yeah.

Also realizing I get stressed too much when the music isnt going right. Throws off all the other stuff in my life too. I've gotta work on that.

Also I'm getting this feeling of just wanting to let go and be. I can't tell if that's hindering me or allowing me to grow. I'm leaning more towards hindering me. It's like a part of me wants to go back. Basically the equivalent of someone following a super restrictive diet, being offered a piece of cake, then the diet completely failing. If I give my subconscious an inch, it takes a mile. It wants to go back to comfort. Warm cozy, stagnant comfort. I'm doing everything in my power not to fall back into these patterns, but it's exhausting.

The thing that really gets me is I can clearly see how irrational it all is, but that doesn't lessen the emotional impact. I'm much better off now though, I no longer play a victim to it and use my subconscious resistance as a scapegoat. However it is tiring, when I just want to move forward and another part of me is kicking and screaming for it not to happen.

Lately I've been wanting to find a community for other artists or music producers around me. It gets lonely sometimes not being around anyone that really gets it. Or at the very least finding people who understand the struggles of being an artist at times. The constant desire to improve, the need to create, balancing work and music, etc. Just stuff other people don't have to think about a lot of the time.

Saturday to myself and the thoughts are flowing. Is it my life or my mindset? Sometimes it's appealing to think that if I was just more grateful, more confident, I could be alright where I am. Bargaining again. Saying "oh well it's not ideal or what I really want, but it's good enough I don't have to go further than this". That's the danger I've always fallen into with meditation, positive thinking, and such, nobody tells you that as beneficial as these things are, they can also be used for avoidance. As you suppress your true desires and wants as "excessive" or fueled by ego. Let's be honest here, who has ever legitimately detached from their ego? I feel like I've internalized so much crap over the years in a pursuit of some shortcut to happiness, I'd do better just embracing myself as a human being vs trying to transcend it or whatever. I've noticed the people who are happiest are the ones that don't even engage in profound insight or self exploration. The irony of having deep insight into oneself, you'd think it would give you more of an advantage but it can cause you to feel even more lost at times.

It's hard for me to sit here and honestly say that any of my insight into myself over the years has propelled me further towards happiness. It just feels like in the grand scheme of things I just procrastinated from doing anything in my life or taking action. Always looking for "the answer" or some profound wisdom that would set me free. And I let myself off the hook more often than not because I was convinced this "wisdom" would somehow give me an advantage. It was just one great big deception, a long drawn out defensive tactic to keep me in the same place for years. I know I can't go back, I know I shouldn't feel bad about what happened in the past or blame myself, but for what it was it was a serious clusterfuck. I don't ever want to live my life that way again. Lost in a haze of thoughts and fear, barely remembering each day basically waiting for something good to happen.

I guess I did the best I could at the time. But honestly looking back that's not even the truth. And if anyone asked me to try harder or push myself more I'd pull some victim bullshit and self isolate. I wasn't responsible, not in the least bit. I'd delude myself into believing I was though because otherwise I felt ashamed or I just couldn't handle the truth. Even today when things aren't working out for me and I don't feel too great, I stay in my situations and don't change. But I tell myself I'm doing all I can do when it's really just a lie. I don't try harder to think positive, I don't visualize where I want to be, I don't take chances, I cling to comfort, and I point the blame outside myself or in a way that absolves me from responsibility. How can I ever hope to achieve happiness if I don't ever take responsibility for my own goddamn actions?

I'm just frustrated with myself more than anything. If I was irresponsible and knew it and felt bad about it, that would be one thing. But it's the fact that for YEARS, I deluded myself. And I wouldn't even register any criticism pointed my way without getting intensely defensive. That's what pisses me off. That my fragile little self image in the eyes of others was so easily shook, I'd tell myself lies upon lies to make up for it. And I'd use self love and compassion as a way to further distance myself away from what needed to change and face ugly truths. Of course nobody tells you any of this growing up, it's been like navigating a minefield for me. So much self deception masquerading is positive forms. And then adding onto that, how the hell do you even begin to measure your progress if you don't have a metric to go by? Seriously, when I first got my full time job I was convinced things would do a complete 180 for me. But it felt more like a 5 degree shift when I realized that wasn't the answer to my suffering either.

Yeah something definitely knocked loose there. If I get upset over my circumstances in life it's my doing. If I don't have enough time to make music it's because I don't make time and I procrastinate. If my job feels unfulfilling, nobody is forcing me to stay there.

More and more this feels like TID from ltu. Which makes me really excited to run it. Like I said, one of my biggest sticking points is having issues with criticism and not being more assertive when it comes to my self destructive ways.

Since my last post I've cooled off a bit. Getting angry at myself doesn't help. The only thing that helps is actually changing my behavior. I can be understanding and stop beating myself up over it, but at the same time take a stronger stance to no longer engage in things that decrease my quality of life.

I'm debating if I want to run LTU when it comes out or do another run of AM6. I've been doing some thinking and what I really need right now is a shotgun approach that's gonna change me. There are a lot of good qualities to me, but there are some passive, fearful, people pleasing ones as well that I've become far too attached to. More now than ever I want to redefine myself. In the past I always felt like wanting to change things about myself was being inauthentic somehow. So I held onto more limiting beliefs as an identity.

Basically I don't want to be timid anymore, I don't want to feel anxiety or fear around people, I don't want to be someone that people can walk all over. When needed I can stand up for myself, but I want other people to know I'm not a target.

Maybe running LTU then am6 would be a good option. My only reluctance to running am6 is no frm. Lately I've had good progress, but it's hard to tell how much of that is my growth vs the subliminals being optimized in the best way possible. So I "get" execution now, but I wonder if I'll sort of forget if I run am6 and have trouble again.

I think I'm gonna run LTU. USLM3 has been doing good things for me and this new tech is just too good to pass up. Plus I've been making consistent progress, whereas with am6 I hit a lot of roadblocks that I didn't move past. It might be different this time, but I can't know for certain it's still a gamble for me vs the certainty that LTU will help. Especially the time frame. 6 months is a long time to spend on something that may or may not work for me.

Something I didn't think of. While I was in dallas for 11 days I had to run this sub from my phone. Now I don't know how I respond to the quality of the speakers on my phone as well as the lack of stereo, but maybe that's what caused the hiccup for my overall mood. It feels like since I've been listening on my normal speakers I've sort of stabilized. But who knows, I was also going through a very stressful period.

Speaking of, I keep having bad dreams about something that went horribly wrong while I was in Dallas. It's like all that anticipation and fear that I had prior to the event is still lingering. Haven't been sleeping well lately. I keep waking up early and then going back to sleep, but it's only like an hour or 30 minutes before my alarm and I get ripped out of a deep sleep. I don't know why this keeps happening.

I was also thinking about my desire to run Am6 and how I wanted to completely change myself. I think it came from a lot of frustration and the wrong mentality of throwing out the core of who I am in favor of some kind of caricature that would give me approval from other people. Not that Am6 does that, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was resistance. Like the DMSI moving onto a older version or different sub tactic. I'd say for most of my life I've always felt like there is something wrong with me, that I'm somehow flawed, but all the growth I've had made me realize it was just people who didn't understand. So this underlying pressure to be someone other than myself has been a thorn in my side for years. I'm hoping LTU can finally squash that.

You'll appreciate the extensive self validation module I just completed then...

(01-28-2019, 07:43 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]You'll appreciate the extensive self validation module I just completed then...

Definitely looking forward to it!

So either I'm processing more fears due to USLM3 or TID from LTU is kicking this fear removal into overdrive. Last night I was laying in bed listening to USLM3 and I had this feeling that something evil was watching me. I didn't hallucinate, but at the same time I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to break through my window and attack me. And when I finally started nodding off I got some intense hypnagogic hallucinations. Whispers, like voices saying "he can't do this", "he'll fail", "it's not going to work", etc.

But I feel like I'm getting closer. I'm able to focus on moving past the fear and ignoring the distraction that try to derail me.

Weird dream. I was a woman and was looking at myself in the mirror. But I was super self conscious about looking so feminine. It was also strange because this woman in the dream felt like I knew her from somewhere but I don't have a clue. But I think that's less relevant, dream characters tend to always seem familiar especially when you're awake and you start filling in details.

I have no idea what this means as far as dream interpretation goes.

(01-29-2019, 07:39 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]So either I'm processing more fears due to USLM3 or TID from LTU is kicking this fear removal into overdrive. Last night I was laying in bed listening to USLM3 and I had this feeling that something evil was watching me. I didn't hallucinate, but at the same time I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to break through my window and attack me. And when I finally started nodding off I got some intense hypnagogic hallucinations. Whispers, like voices saying "he can't do this", "he'll fail", "it's not going to work", etc.

But I feel like I'm getting closer. I'm able to focus on moving past the fear and ignoring the distraction that try to derail me.

This is most interesting indeed. What did you get the impression the voices were referring to?

(01-31-2019, 05:00 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

(01-29-2019, 07:39 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]So either I'm processing more fears due to USLM3 or TID from LTU is kicking this fear removal into overdrive. Last night I was laying in bed listening to USLM3 and I had this feeling that something evil was watching me. I didn't hallucinate, but at the same time I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to break through my window and attack me. And when I finally started nodding off I got some intense hypnagogic hallucinations. Whispers, like voices saying "he can't do this", "he'll fail", "it's not going to work", etc.

But I feel like I'm getting closer. I'm able to focus on moving past the fear and ignoring the distraction that try to derail me.

This is most interesting indeed. What did you get the impression the voices were referring to?

I'm pretty sure it was in reference to my desire and goal of breaking free from the typical 9-5 lifestyle most people live. Basically moving away from the safe route and doing things my own way. The way that will make me happy vs only giving me security. I think really what it's about most of all is taking my artistic calling more seriously. I've been in a very strong tug of war these past few months trying to find a balance in my life. It's been going back and forth between "I'll just keep this as a fun hobby, no pressure" to "I want this to be the primary focus in my life". Among that is the very strong fear, that might have been passed on from my parents, that it isn't particularly "safe" to go that route.