Subliminal Talk

Lol. There ya go Ben. I was lucky enough to skip right over level 1 tech support phone stuff. I'm in a midsized company with the same people providing local support, most of which aren't terrible with computers. No cupholder shennanigans here. Come to think of it about 90% of our computers don't even have CD drives. Glad Shannon could stop by and share his experiences to confirm. It really is sometimes hard to believe how some people just don't think.

Possible TID from FRM. Had a dream last night where I had to give a speech and I couldn't talk. Basically what I said was nonsense, word salad, things in the wrong order. This happens in day to day life too. Even before subs I'd always mess up speaking to people when I was anxious. I'd rehearse the lines in my head and then go to say it and feel like someone hit the brakes. I'd do that two or three times before the actual words came out. Half the time I'd either trip over a word, my tone of voice would be inconsistent, or my brain would forget what it needed to say and then it was like a buffer. I know it's anxiety which is fear. I guess that's why music is appealing, I don't have to use words or figure out what I want to say. I just say it directly through the music.

Well now that this whole Dallas thing is over I don't feel such a need to get uslm4 or ltu immediately. I honestly just wanted them to come out sooner to help me deal with these past few days. But now that I don't have an anxiety provoking event upcoming I'm alright with a wait.

Hahahaha i'm laughing my ass off. It would be difficult not to laugh if you're dealing with people like that.

I couldn't do without my dvd drive, I don't use it heaps but enough to warrant it.

(01-20-2019, 04:19 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Hahahaha i'm laughing my ass off. It would be difficult not to laugh if you're dealing with people like that.

I’d tell some stories from my Corrections days, but you might not want a lot of them on the forum.

Starting to wonder if my natural predisposition not to lock myself down or have rigid plans helps or hurts me. On one hand when I was younger and followed a plan just for the sake of having one I was miserable. On the other hand not having a clearly defined idea of where I needed to go left me scrambling.

All in all I feel like I don't know what I'm doing in life. I really don't. I'm fueled by my passion for music, but aside from that I really feel like I'm winging it. I always say that I don't follow the conventional path to life, but really what makes me any different at this point to anyone else? I have a full time job, I'm paying off debt, and I work on stuff after work and on weekends. The only difference for me is I have no desire to climb a corporate ladder or have my job be my life. I'm not any different. I'm stuck in the same grind as everyone else. If I was different I'd be living it vs fantasizing about it all the time.

The whole thing just feels like a trap that I don't want to be ensnared in. But everyone pushes you into it because of fear.

You know it's just that balance between knowing when to adapt yourself to the world vs changing your situation. These past 11 days made me realize just how much the whole thing sucked for me. If I forced myself to do it more would I get used to it? Should I even put myself in that position? At what point am I running away from stuff vs looking after my own well being?

You seem to keep struggling with how you're "supposed" to be living and how you want to be living. Where did you get all your ideas about "supposed?" It can't be something you don't have a deep emotional investment in, because that's where you seem to be struggling. Parents? Siblings? Close friends?

(01-21-2019, 09:25 AM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]You seem to keep struggling with how you're "supposed" to be living and how you want to be living. Where did you get all your ideas about "supposed?" It can't be something you don't have a deep emotional investment in, because that's where you seem to be struggling. Parents? Siblings? Close friends?

I pretty much know where it comes from. It's almost entirely my Dad. I've been trying to shake it for years, but he very much conditioned me to be afraid of deviating from well worn paths in life. He never pressured me to succeed or anything like that, he's just always been a very anxious person. Probably has something to do with growing up in the South Bronx. He didn't exactly grow up in the safest neighborhood. So even when I was born in a safe area, he always made it seem like danger was right around the corner. On one hand he taught me to be more perceptive and on the other he pretty much instilled paranoia in me. But the shit he's been through in life makes my struggle seem more like a privilege in comparison.

Coming from bad financial situations, he's also of the mentality that you find a company and they essentially take care of you for the rest of your life. Obviously that's a bunch of bullshit nowadays, there's very little company loyalty. But basically that's what I was raised to believe and it pretty much flies in the face of what's really out there.

I guess when it comes down to it, survival or life was framed in a very scary uncertain manner. In contrast to some people who grow up surrounded by puppies and unicorns.

Thinking about joining a boxing gym. I've always wanted to try it. Just not trying to spend a ton of money. Anyone got any advice for picking out a gym? I'm not looking to compete or anything, just want to spar a bit and work on fundamentals. Keep it more of a hobby and not really pressure myself like I do with everything else in my life.

Damn. I'm feeling a ton of anger right now mixed with intense sadness. Right in the pit of my stomach. Been having these weird emotional dry heaving moments, best way I can describe it. Just really short intense bursts of emotion coming and going.

If this is TID from ltu, how the hell have I not cleared all my emotional issues with the hours I've put in over the years? Part of me was getting angry today at this as well. Thinking to myself "really? You still feel bad about yourself?" I don't get it, I've tried re framing everything, thinking positive, and improving my life but why is it it always feels like a piece of me doesn't even respond to this stuff? Makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

These days I'm really reluctant to go digging for stuff. But I often wonder how much stuff I've repressed that's still there holding me back. It's moments like these where I feel this intense emotional turmoil inside of me and think to myself "where the fuck did that come from?"

(01-23-2019, 03:21 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Damn. I'm feeling a ton of anger right now mixed with intense sadness. Right in the pit of my stomach. Been having these weird emotional dry heaving moments, best way I can describe it. Just really short intense bursts of emotion coming and going.

If this is TID from ltu, how the hell have I not cleared all my emotional issues with the hours I've put in over the years? Part of me was getting angry today at this as well. Thinking to myself "really? You still feel bad about yourself?" I don't get it, I've tried re framing everything, thinking positive, and improving my life but why is it it always feels like a piece of me doesn't even respond to this stuff? Makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

These days I'm really reluctant to go digging for stuff. But I often wonder how much stuff I've repressed that's still there holding me back. It's moments like these where I feel this intense emotional turmoil inside of me and think to myself "where the **** did that come from?"

Man, can I relate to *this*.

By the by, the improvements to the FRM in ver. 4.1 did help me get through this conundrum, so ver. 4.4 should be even better at doing just that and I believe it takes fewer prisoners still. This can very well be TID.

And what's happening internally may seem extremely counter-intuitive at first, especially given how much time you or I had invested in various aspects of self-improvement. It's a bit like the "denial, anger, acceptance" grieving process, but with these tools, the acceptance should finally, I believe, become *true* acceptance of what is what, and things how they are, and *who* you actually are, on all levels, regardless of what a jumbled, incoherent mess it may be right now. And then the true work begins.

Sorry for the "guru-speak", I'm listening to DMSI3.3.1D right now and I'm reacting to it by thinking about this stuff quite a lot.

Yeah, definitely feeling that whole grieving process thing. I think I've swept a lot of stuff under the rug at the expense of my own well being. A constant desire to be "good enough" didn't allow me to thoroughly address past pains and emotional issues. It's like one part of me adapted and grew while another part of me is stuck in that emotional pain. I guess I have to move backwards to move forward. I think there's definitely always and expectancy with growth to have it be a linear process but it feels like anything but at times.

The need for linearity is a trick of the conscious mind, I believe. It really wants to be able to put things into neat, linear narratives, with clear causation, point A to point B to point C. Anything else is kinda scary.

For sure. I've lost track of the amount of times I thought I was on to something only to be going in the wrong direction.

Funny how much of an impact my overall state has on my music. About 3 days ago I went in and started tweaking some stuff because I thought it sounded "wrong". Fixed it back up yesterday and it's essentially what I had prior to the changes. I think I just doubt myself a lot. The more insecure I feel about my abilities, the less I'm likely to commit to something. I think this holds me back a lot with my music. I have to trust my own judgements more instead of assuming everything I'm doing isn't good enough or that it's wrong. It's what led me to constantly reading about making music instead of actually doing it. Looking for some authority outside myself because I don't believe in myself enough.