Subliminal Talk

Can't tell if I'm incredibly tired or if relaxing causes more resistance. You know when you're wired and alert throughout the day? Having to do stuff so you push yourself to get it done? I had one of those days today and I got home and sat on the couch and fell asleep. It's almost like a delayed stress response. I power through everything at work, but when I get home it hits me like a ton of bricks. I force myself to get stuff done when I'm home, but it feels like I'm incredibly stressed doing anything as if it's taking a bunch of willpower to overcome a part of me that just wants to sit on the couch and do nothing.

I can't think of what tired me out today. I just had to balance a crapload of inventory. It was a very mind numbing and boring task. I pretty much did that from 9 to 4 today. I don't know, maybe that stressed me out.

I'm spending less time trying to figure out how to make the sub work as best as possible. I've realized that was me resisting. Trying to figure out the best way to execute in order to avoid doing what the sub was instructing me to do? Does that make any sense to anyone? I can't describe it all that well, but it was like I was so afraid of following the instructions that I kept looking for a different way that wasn't there? Like getting pushed down a corridor, it's one straight path so all I could do is refuse to move and stay in place. Can't go back, can't turn down a different path and get away either.

Trying too hard is a common resistance tactic, actually. It's like subconsciously trying to screw up a pot of easy to make soup by having too many tweaks and extra ingredients added to "make it better".

(12-28-2018, 04:55 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Trying too hard is a common resistance tactic, actually. It's like subconsciously trying to screw up a pot of easy to make soup by having too many tweaks and extra ingredients added to "make it better".

Good to know. I think this is definitely something that was hard to catch for me because in my head it seemed like I wasn't resisting. Also it didn't seem like self sabotage because it was framed in a positive way. Very confusing. The funny thing is if I just ignored all of it and just didn't heavily analyze the process I wouldn't even have a need to analyze it in the first place.

Is this type of resistance handled in uslm3?

Hmmm. This trying too hard thing. It's reflected in my music as well. These past few days I've found myself endlessly tweaking my mix to "improve" it. But what it really is is just not sticking to a decisions and going with it. Being too afraid of making a mistake again.

With electronic music it's tricky. You've got the music side and then the more technical. But they are both involved in the composing process. So sometimes you can pick sounds that just don't fit and it doesn't serve the track. But being too overly cautious about that tends to kill my creativity.

Well I spent a good 4 hours today working on this track. Banging my head against the wall trying to figure it out. Turns out I didn't need to figure out anything, I needed to stop trying so damn hard to get it right and just make something or do something.

I'm at this point where I realize the gaps in my skill as far as execution of my music goes. My problem is I think I can bridge that gap just by thinking about what I need to do vs actually just sitting down and making more music. One is just useless mental chatter and the other is actual action that brings me closer to my goal. To make a simpler analogy. When someone wants to learn to play guitar they have to build up the skill so their physical ability matches their mind and they can express themselves. Same thing with me, except my skill gap is composition and actual songwriting. After 4 years of making nothing but loops that went nowhere, I never actually worked on songwriting as much as I should have.

(12-28-2018, 09:23 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]

(12-28-2018, 04:55 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Trying too hard is a common resistance tactic, actually. It's like subconsciously trying to screw up a pot of easy to make soup by having too many tweaks and extra ingredients added to "make it better".

Good to know. I think this is definitely something that was hard to catch for me because in my head it seemed like I wasn't resisting. Also it didn't seem like self sabotage because it was framed in a positive way. Very confusing. The funny thing is if I just ignored all of it and just didn't heavily analyze the process I wouldn't even have a need to analyze it in the first place.

Is this type of resistance handled in uslm3?

It is, given enough time, but it is much better handled in USLM4 because of the fact that it is based on the skeleton script of DMSI 3.3 (much more advanced ASS/ART), and has a more advanced FRM as well.

(12-29-2018, 02:09 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

(12-28-2018, 09:23 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]

(12-28-2018, 04:55 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Trying too hard is a common resistance tactic, actually. It's like subconsciously trying to screw up a pot of easy to make soup by having too many tweaks and extra ingredients added to "make it better".

Good to know. I think this is definitely something that was hard to catch for me because in my head it seemed like I wasn't resisting. Also it didn't seem like self sabotage because it was framed in a positive way. Very confusing. The funny thing is if I just ignored all of it and just didn't heavily analyze the process I wouldn't even have a need to analyze it in the first place.

Is this type of resistance handled in uslm3?

It is, given enough time, but it is much better handled in USLM4 because of the fact that it is based on the skeleton script of DMSI 3.3 (much more advanced ASS/ART), and has a more advanced FRM as well.

Cool. It seems to be rooted in fear for me. Worrying and thinking, oh no what if I'm not doing this the best way possible?

Speaking of fear, I've identified another faulty belief. Gratitude and being afraid to appreciate what I have in life because I fear I'll just become complacent and won't strive for more. It seems like I have this belief that discontent needs to be in my life in order to fuel change. But there's no reason I can't be fully appreciative and enjoy my life at this current moment while also striving for more.

This whole fear thing. Man so many faulty beliefs are held on because of it.

So I've dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression in my life. To such an extent that it took a while for me to start actually living my life. One thing that always hung over my head was this constant feeling that I was screwing up and everyone else was so much more put together than me and I was just a mess. Well I realized the other day that everyone's lives are different. Some people don't even have to deal with this, some people just have a straight shot of a path in life where they don't even have to think about how they are moving forward. For years I felt like this was my dirty secret and that nobody should ever know how much I struggled or how hard it was for me to get my life on track. I felt the need to maintain this illusion that I had it all figured out.

This was a big source of fear for me and I think that's what's being picked apart right now. But now I don't care. Because what happened happened and I made it through it. I shouldn't look at that as a sign of weakness in my life, but strength for overcoming these obstacles in my life. My mistake was thinking that everyone dealt with this stuff and I just handled it poorly or was weak and couldn't overcome it. A lot of this goes back to my perfectionism too. I've realized that a lot of the time I saw my flaws as evidence that I wasn't good enough. That's all I focused on really, so it was easy to lose sight of the parts of me that were positive. The funny thing is the perfectionism fueled this "be positive all the time or you're not a good person" mentality. When in reality the flaws and positive aspects exists simultaneously and those flaws don't automatically negate the positive.

The FRM is definitely starting to hit at core stuff. Last night I felt this stuff being processed along with a strong sensation of fear in the pit of my stomach that felt like it was being slowly unraveled. Really getting to that core survival feeling inside me that's beyond words or rational understanding. And it's amazing what kind of string of negative self defeating stuff just stems from fear. When you start removing the fear there's a clarity of thought, things become more obvious and make sense. But in that shroud of fear it's damn near impossible to convince your mind of anything else.

Late night post cuz I can't sleep. I feel like I've been tip toeing around success. I also feel like there's still a part of me trying to run away. But I'm seeing lately how it doesn't get its way. Today I worked on some music and I felt this confidence in my decision making that just made everything so much easier. I realized indecision is a symptom of fear. Being too afraid of making the wrong decision can cause you to make no decision at all.

I feel like I'm on the edge of something. Like I want to tear myself away from it once and for all. To no longer have this stop and go game where I improve then slip into a hole of being stagnant. No more of this waiting to finally get on board with the sub fully, it needs to happen now not some imaginary time in the future.

One day I'll get this all right ... What I was fighting last night was not the fear. I thought I was overcoming or pushing past it. Turns out what I was fighting was the frm pulling me deeper into the core fears that need to be addressed. We aren't done yet, as much as I would like to believe. Sometimes the truth is unpleasant, but it's better to have it vs deluding myself because I'm afraid to get to the root.

Basically I can momentarily override my fears with the use of willpower. This was being used as a sort of exit route to prevent going deeper into what I truly feared. Again an example of using positivity to mask the fact I was avoiding yet again. Willpower is finite however and what happens is I burn myself out trying to maintain it. Eventually it comes back and I go into the same process under the false assumption I'm being proactive vs self sabotaging.

Moral of this story. Expectations mess everything up. It's better to take everything moment to moment vs expecting a certain outcome. Part of that I feel is fear as well. Expectations can stem from wanting a certain outcome or being afraid of the unknown. Both related to a desire for control. I guess part of me is only comfortable with processing the instructions of the sub that are in alignment with what I'm familiar with. Which is dumb because I have a very very narrow perspective on life.

Also going through my older journals. Man, so many times I've reached epiphanies and realizations but they don't go far beyond that or I just lose it. I really don't get it sometimes. I've had insights and then look back and made the same discovery almost a year ago... What the hell happened? I think I know. I give myself a pat on the back when I make these discoveries and shy away from the actual action that needs to be carried out WITH the realizations.

I guess there's a huge different between knowing what needs to change and having a ton of insight vs doing it. There are some people that just aren't all that self aware and all they need is a little inner focus to get things right. I feel like I'm painfully self aware, but something else stops me and it frustrates the hell out of me sometimes.

You know what? I just got done working on my music again. This time I told myself to have fun and enjoy it. Use the notes I want, pick the sounds I want, stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to get a super clean polished professional sound. And you know what? It was easy to write and come up with new sections. It just flowed. It came out upbeat and happy, mixed with a little melancholy and I'm ok with that. The decisions I made were my artistic expression.

This is what I've been trying to get to for years now and I didn't even realize it. Every time I wrote a melody I just listened to that inner critic in my head saying it was basic and childish. Every time I wrote a bassline I'd hear it tell me it needs to be more complex or it was shit. I was denying my own creative expression because I was so terrified of what would come out. Not even the end result, more of the thought what others would think about it.

I got so wrapped up in getting better. Thinking I had to slog through track after track all the while beating myself up and taking no joy in my music. Is my stuff pro quality? No. But that's not why I do this. I've realized that now. Everything I'm learning right now is to be used as tools to have greater joy expressing myself. Not to fulfill some bullshit standard.

I like what I create and I'm not gonna let anyone take that away from me with their opinions anymore. And you wanna talk limiting beliefs? Man some music producers mentalities are so limited. They've been brainwashed by whats popular and hold that to the standard everyone else has to conform to. And god forbid you feel good about something you made that doesn't live up to their standards, they'll tear you down in a heartbeat. Talk about toxic.

Now you're getting it!

(12-31-2018, 06:42 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]You know what? I just got done working on my music again. This time I told myself to have fun and enjoy it. Use the notes I want, pick the sounds I want, stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to get a super clean polished professional sound. And you know what? It was easy to write and come up with new sections. It just flowed. It came out upbeat and happy, mixed with a little melancholy and I'm ok with that. The decisions I made were my artistic expression.

This is what I've been trying to get to for years now and I didn't even realize it. Every time I wrote a melody I just listened to that inner critic in my head saying it was basic and childish. Every time I wrote a bassline I'd hear it tell me it needs to be more complex or it was shit. I was denying my own creative expression because I was so terrified of what would come out. Not even the end result, more of the thought what others would think about it.

I got so wrapped up in getting better. Thinking I had to slog through track after track all the while beating myself up and taking no joy in my music. Is my stuff pro quality? No. But that's not why I do this. I've realized that now. Everything I'm learning right now is to be used as tools to have greater joy expressing myself. Not to fulfill some ***** standard.

I like what I create and I'm not gonna let anyone take that away from me with their opinions anymore. And you wanna talk limiting beliefs? Man some music producers mentalities are so limited. They've been brainwashed by whats popular and hold that to the standard everyone else has to conform to. And god forbid you feel good about something you made that doesn't live up to their standards, they'll tear you down in a heartbeat. Talk about toxic.

I agree. There's some interview of Oliver Heldens (not sure if you know who that is) where he says one of the most important things for a producer is to focus on making music you would enjoy listening to and music you enjoy making, rather than focusing on what "works" (which he probably means what fits into the current idea of popular).

Also, by not limiting yourself by genre tropes or conditions or stereotypes or any other limiting walls of genre, you create your own unique sound easier. I mean obviously you can't venture too far out, but yeah.

Doing a trial run of dropping the volume just a bit. I feel like I've been subjecting myself to unnecessary discomfort. I'm still stuck in that no pain no gain mentality. As if making myself more afraid or stressed out will equal more growth. Today I was dead tired. I also found out that I have to be in Dallas for my job on the 9th vs the 13th so that threw me for a loop. I can't help but feel this might be a circumstance involving luck by having my flight rescheduled.

Still stressed about it. Actually the thing I'm stressed the most about is the driving. I hate driving in unfamiliar areas, with cars I'm not used to, and with people I don't know that well. Part of my duties for this trip is playing chauffer. Fuck, I really don't feel like doing this.