Yup apathy is definitely resistance right now. Being afraid of just going out there and making the most of my life so I delude myself into believing I don't care about it. But it's not going to work. Hopefully it subsides, until then I'm focused on doing things regardless of how I feel. Very strong urge to just hide away and sleep all day. Fake tiredness. Also thinking if I just go meditate I can center myself more and magically have more success in my life. Nope, meditation is a trap to go inside and self sabotage whatever is going on behind the scenes. Have to be really vigilant not to let this resistance win out and teach my subconscious that it works. Last time I was really aggressive about not giving into resistance I got a massive headache that didn't subside until I took it easy. Another trick, making me think that I needed to slow down instead of continuing to push more.
So what I realize now is that it's not emotional upheaval I'm up against right now. Just me resisting, so that makes things easier. Just have to be mindful of not giving in.
Went to sleep last night and had trouble getting asleep. Also had what appeared to be a mini panic attack. Seems like when I stopped with the busy day my mind focused more on the emotional healing and brought some stuff up. A lot of it had to do with being closed off to everyone around me. It's safe, sure, but it's no way to live life. Feels like my heart is cold. My attention is being brought more towards stuff I need to heal and acknowledge. Stuff that I've been telling myself for years wasn't really there but it was. I often feel alone and misunderstood, but it's really all my doing. I don't put myself out there and I don't share myself with the world. Instead I hide behind a bubble just observing it, but not really being in it.
Maybe it took DMSI to really start being aware of these protective barriers I put up. Prior to this I'd just shrug it off and think I was being dramatic. Maybe a further defense for not getting to the heart of the issue.
Either way the focus is on healing right now. My intention isn't rumination on what's going on underneath there. Notice my internal dialogue has been surprisingly compassionate and it's been helping. Encouragement, rather than criticism seems to definitely be making my growth better. Didn't even realize how much negative self talk I engaged in until today and how much I blindly accepted it as the truth. There's no duality here anymore and what I mean by that is seeing my negative critical voice as someone else or something foreign no longer applies. It's just learned responses, no malicious intent, so just understanding I can change that direction is really important.
Even though I grew a lot on AM6 I was still very critical of myself. The growth I had was never enough. It was always "when you get to this point then you can like yourself, until then you aren't good enough". But with DMSI it feels like I can be ok with myself regardless of where I am at with my life and as a result I have more energy and positivity to put towards improving my life. Now more than ever I see how motivation through things like insecurity, fear, or putting yourself down are largely ineffective and it's better to practice self compassion.
DMSI might be kicking in. Showed up at work yesterday and one of my coworkers hugged me. But she came skipping at me and pretty much tackle hugged me. I've been getting more attention from her ever since the later stages of Am6, but she's never initiated physical contact. She's older than me by about 10 years, but she acts like a little kid around me. Other coworkers are like "leave Mat alone" and she says "No, Mat loves me". Come to think of it, I had two other coworkers say the same thing. All of them in relationships, but they have this fascination with me. None of them are really my type, so I'm not gonna pursue anything. I'm pretty sure it's not really sexual attraction, more like the vibe I'm giving off of being non-judgemental and open and they like being around it. Positivity I guess?
But something else happened. I went out to my car during my break and I saw this woman walking to her car couldn't have been more than 200ft away. I'm just chilling there, I look up and it looks like she's on her phone. But she's by the back door instead of the driver door. And she's positioned in an angled way where her butt is pointed at me. Could be an IOI, could be coincidence. Hard to say. Something about it just struck me as odd, or like a gut feeling that it was a little out of place.
Another benefit of the healing, I've been making more progress learning how to make my music better. Been studying up on music theory and it's been putting all these fake rules in my head and I've been worried about making crap music. Fear is lessening so now the creative process is more enjoyable. Also not as worried about making the track I'm working on the best track ever and comparing myself to great artists.
For a sexual attraction sub, this sure does have a lot of overlap with other things in my life. Never would have guessed it.
Hmmm, maybe I was resisting a lot more than I thought. I'm noticing patterns of fear, then the resistance response, then me consciously deciding to push past the fear. Also realized I'm incredibly sexually repressed. A lot of guilt and shame when I'm sexually aroused by a hot woman. All that crap about objectifying women I internalized.
So far with this sub it's a lot easier for me to go with the changes. I can't really describe it, must be the tech. It just feels like a good idea instead of a bad or dangerous idea. That's the best way I can describe. You know when you think of something you don't want to do and you get that feeling? Well DMSI seems to give me the opposite of that. Interesting stuff.
Her acting like a kid around you is a definite sign she likes you
Thinking of women sexually is a totally natural thing, the guilt and shame is the problem. Society comes up with all this crap "oh does that mean you just care about her body" when obviously no you can appreciate other things about her, and it's best when she does have other things to appreciate, but still with that appreciating her body and her sexually is totally normal.
Afterall they spend all this time dressing up sexually, make up etc..
(07-08-2017, 05:17 PM)Benjamin Wrote: [ -> ]Her acting like a kid around you is a definite sign she likes you
Thinking of women sexually is a totally natural thing, the guilt and shame is the problem. Society comes up with all this crap "oh does that mean you just care about her body" when obviously no you can appreciate other things about her, and it's best when she does have other things to appreciate, but still with that appreciating her body and her sexually is totally normal.
Afterall they spend all this time dressing up sexually, make up etc..
I have much to learn haha.
Yeah, kind of bugs me I've lived this long with this hanging over my head. Kind of glad I decided to run DMSI otherwise I never would have realized it.
Completely separate from that, my gut is telling me to run 4 loops of dmsi. So that's probably gonna be when I go to sleep at night. Will update on how that goes tomorrow. Having said that. Do any of you listen at night?
Overall noticed that I have insecurities about looking at attractive women or having them see me. At work today and I caught a couple of women kind of eyeballing me. I don't know what I'm afraid of if I meet their gaze, but it's probably along the lines of fear of rejection or something.
Also completely fed up with retail. We had this 20% off sale today, just 20% off the entire order. But what really irritated me was how impatient everyone got and how disrespectful they were towards my coworkers and I. I was on my feet for close to 9 hours and I swear if a customer wanted to criticize me or stir shit up I was going to unleash hell on them. People get so goddamn stupid and animalistic whenever there is money involved in anything. Doesn't matter they only saved 2 dollars. The whole thing just bothered me, like how is the human race this bad at times? I have this feeling that I'll do my best to describe. It's like I feel like I'm being repelled from this job and at the same time being pulled towards something better. Shielded maybe? I don't know. What I do know is in the past with this job I got sucked into it and even if I wanted to do something else it felt like this job had it's claws in me. I don't have any idea how the world works really, but I swear locations and organizations have an energy to them. And they can manipulate your energy and get inside your body and mess up your whole balance. It's like having a pure body of water and then a dump truck full of sludge and other garbage is just poured into that body of water and pollutes it. Yeah, that's just a bit of a ramble there. Makes me wonder if I'm battling things that aren't conventional wisdom and that's why I've been having such a hard time in life.
Yeah I listen at night and it's been fine for me.
Locations do have energy. I call it geo-local energy. There is micro and macro geo-local energy too. Micro will tell you with relatively good accuracy if a business will succeed if you can sense it. Macro covers large areas. For example, you can roughly divide the united states into five parts by macro geo-local energy. If the macro geo-local energy matches your personality you will be significantly happier living there than if it is neutral, and even more so than if it conflicts.
Most people don't have awareness of these energies of course.
Ever since reading "Transurfing," I believe energy pendulums - energetic information structures created by thoughts comingling on the same wavelength (
Pendulum Info) - may also be responsible for what you're referring to.
(07-09-2017, 08:20 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Locations do have energy. I call it geo-local energy. There is micro and macro geo-local energy too. Micro will tell you with relatively good accuracy if a business will succeed if you can sense it. Macro covers large areas. For example, you can roughly divide the united states into five parts by macro geo-local energy. If the macro geo-local energy matches your personality you will be significantly happier living there than if it is neutral, and even more so than if it conflicts.
Most people don't have awareness of these energies of course.
Very interesting. I've long suspected I'm in the wrong area. Currently residing in NY. Something about the vibe here just doesn't work with me. I'm unsure how much awareness I have of these energies, but I've spoke with my Mom and she has similar feelings. I think we are both energetically sensitive individuals.
(07-09-2017, 08:56 PM)RTBoss Wrote: [ -> ]Ever since reading "Transurfing," I believe energy pendulums - energetic information structures created by thoughts comingling on the same wavelength (Pendulum Info) - may also be responsible for what you're referring to.
Yeah I was gonna mention pendulums but I think most people aren't familiar with them. I have to read transurfing again. The thing is, it's so damn dense and at the time I didn't want to start believing in stuff that might not be true and obsess over it. But yeah, pendulums are definitely an interesting phenomena. A lot of the stuff I read in that book I wasn't ready for yet. Really turned my entire worldview upside down.
So quick update on 4 loops. Woke up this morning felt a lot of sexual energy. Channeled it into more productive stuff. These past few months I've been incredibly lethargic, lazy, messy, etc. It got so bad that my clean clothes didn't even make it to my drawers or closet, they just sat on the floor. So without even having to force myself I just cleaned everything up and did some extra laundry. Laundry? Big deal, you say. But I can't explain how near impossible it felt to do the most basic of tasks a few weeks ago. Also needed food so I went right to the grocery store. Normally I put this stuff off despite having nothing to eat in my house, that's how bad my procrastination is at times.
I don't know if I'm just more aware of hot women around me or if they are showing up because of DMSI. Right place, right time sort of thing I guess. I sort of have interest in them and sort of don't. But I think a lot of it is just fear again and me psyching myself out. So I feel the push from DMSI to go talk to them, but I decide not to do it. You're probably not gonna hear me talk about landing a ton of hot women in my journal yet. Still have to get past some roadblocks. But so far I'm liking the direction DMSI is going and 4 loops seems to be the sweet spot for me right now. Enough internal pressure to keep making changes, but not so much that I just completely collapse and sink into fear.
4 loops is definitely the sweet spot for me. Also my first few days of running DMSI were filled with too many expectations. It made me obsessed with making it work faster or doing it better. Now things are quieting down. I just run the loops and go about my day. I've known this for a while, but too much fiddling with what's going on inside interferes with results. The problem being I knew it wasn't helping, but couldn't stop from doing it. The only thing I really do now is take 10-15 minutes when I'm overly stressed and just focus on letting all the negativity go. Speaking of negativity.
Auric shielding. This has been a godsend. I had no idea how much manipulation went on with my energy until DMSI. So far I haven't quite gotten the hang of it or I'm still not executing the script all the way. But I was at work yesterday and started developing a headache and some intense nausea. The environment where I work has become increasingly toxic lately. So I went to the bathroom to center myself. I felt the negative energy leave my body when I calmed myself and then it was as if an energy pushed out from my stomach to surrounding my body. I felt more clearheaded and unaffected by the outside events going on around me. Sadly, without conscious intervention it seemed to collapse on me or couldn't be maintained. I had to reconstruct it every few minutes. But what I've learned from this is that even though AM6 instilled that assertive confident mentality in me, I was still being affected on an energetic level and not realizing it. Closing the doors to all manipulation is important to me, so that includes the energy level.
The question now for me is did DMSI enhance my perception of these energies? Or is this an ability I've had for all my life and was closed off to it because of fear/skepticism and to a lesser extent possibly shame?
Resistance has been an issue a bit. Not in the outright obvious way. Quite interesting really. With this new tech I started thinking that I wasn't experiencing resistance. So my new resistance tactic was denying that the resistance was there. Doing the whole partial execution thing that makes it appear I'm getting the benefits of the sub, but I'm not going all the way. So I am seeing good growth, but at the same time I'm not getting the full benefits until I let go completely and stop obsessively controlling. The most ironic thing is that the more I try to change or improve myself consciously, the less I actually do. When I give up and let go and let the sub steer it comes from the inside and things just happen without me trying. An important lesson to be learned there. Sometimes even the most positive appearances can be resistance in disguise. In my case my conscious mind wanted to control how I grew and limited the power of the subliminal.
That being said I find that my life is still bottlenecked by fear. I've talked to a few people in my life about all my struggles. Sometimes I just get more upset because the only solution people have is to keep pushing and fight. But it's tiring and the very nature of having issues like this is that it manifests in very subtle ways that are hard to catch. I've stopped trying to compare myself to others and I've just focused on doing what's right for me. Other people might not get my struggle, they might not understand why I stay stuck in life, and that's fine. This is my problem to figure out and I'll heed any advice that people want to give me, but I'm not going to let them navigate my life for me. Just a few years ago I was convinced I could never change and I was doomed to be a socially anxious depressed mess of a person, but I grew and I beat it to some degree. Enough to shatter that illusion that things like depression and anxiety are a life sentence you have to cope with. I've achieved things in my life that I'm proud of and nobody can take that away from me. I've still got more growing to do and I always will. But for the time being I think it's important to take a step back and really recognize where I came from and how much improvement I've made. Even though on the outside people might criticize me or feel I haven't done anything, I don't care anymore because I'm done measuring my self worth to arbitrary outside standards.
DMSI is definitely drilling down into deep core issues. I know I'm on the right path because I'm starting to feel good about just being myself and living life vs feeling pressure to do things and prove my worth to everyone in my life.
Ugh, apathy is making a comeback. I went skateboarding today which I haven't done in a while. I had some fun and it was relaxed, no pressure. But it got me thinking about life and I'm just sick of the grind. People telling me do this, do that, get this, go there, it just all gets tiresome. Thought about my music, what I wanted to do with that and possible career choices for making money. But I was just left with a feeling of screw all this, I don't care, life sucks. Fell into it hard and almost started dwelling on it. Then I realized it was just resistance again. To prevent me from moving forward and facing my fears I guess my subconscious is just making everything seem pointless. Not cool, but it's whatever. The only problem is it seriously effects my judgement and motivation is at an all time low. Especially for stuff I don't particularly have a passion for.
Hitting rock bottom here. Pretty much cried myself to sleep last night. I'm 26 years old now and I just had the painful realization that I lost 10 years of my life to all this bullshit depression and anxiety. It hurts knowing I'll never get those moments back.
I'm trying to be positive and it's hard. Before I wrote this post I had several others creating a narrative of being a depressed fuck up that did nothing but bring me down further. I want to be better, to be happy, but part of me doesn't believe it's even possible. And it's hard because every day I have this feeling that I can't do anything right or I'm not good enough to do anything. I see that belief, I see that it's wrong and it's holding me back, but I can't get to it or change it. The only thing I can do is use willpower to bypass it, but I can't keep living my life like that for two reasons. One, my willpower runs out and when that happens it's even more dangerous because then the negative belief gets free reign to sabotage my life and two it's not permanent change so I'll always have to keep on top of it and to me that's a terrible solution.
I don't know what's worse being completely ignorant of your shortcomings or seeing them and having them manipulate you like a slave while you are unable to do anything.