Subliminal Talk

(12-27-2017, 07:35 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]I just can't catch a break. Today some guy ripped off my front bumper then proceeded to attempt to get away. Luckily there were witnesses and the police filed a report. But I just feel so done. I'm exhausted, it feels like everything I do results in absolutely nothing. Outwardly it feels like my life is more together, but inwardly I feel like a mess. I'm hoping this is a quick fix and I get my car back and maybe this guys insurance pays for this.

Just goddamn. I can't center myself, it feels like I'm drowning in a never-ending sea of anxieties. I recently realized how these stupid aspirations to do something with my music was mostly fueled by the need to feel special and to validate me. Take that away and I realized I just like the music, not all the ***** that goes with it. So I've just been trying to stop making this whole music thing a source of anxiety for me.

I'm following a similar path with my desire to be a successful screenwriting. Been realizing for a long time now that a huge part of me desired to accomplish such a task only because deep down inside I need to feel validated, special, and deserving of love--in a sense it's like my deepest loves and dreams stem from my deepest insecurities and fears, not from true genuine positive desire.

It's resulted in me mostly being unable to write for the past several months, because I'm very conflicted deep down by my inner purpose right now.

I can tell you one thing, though. I still absolutely love movies and tv more than anything else in the world. I still have that same deep love and passion for movies that when I go in and have my world blown wide open by an impeccable film, I can't stop thinking about it for days or weeks, and if I see a film riddled with flaws and errors I can't get over, I still get frustrated and disappointed.

My point is, don't let your confusion over your inner purpose and where you get that drive from ruin your ambitions and dreams altogether. You clearly still have an impeccably deep passion for music, same as I do for film--it's just about finding the right mental framework to re-energize that love and passion into real ambition, instead of the things that come with it (money, fame, girls, validation, adoration, success, et cetera) be the source of that ambition.

I think... or at least I hope... that with enough mental 'homework' and discipline, both you and I can get on the right track regarding our life ambition and find a genuinely healthier and happier way to navigate that lifestyle instead of craving the accoutrements that come with it as a means to make us happy. Following our greatest passions should provide enough inner fulfillment and happiness in of itself, but for someone like me, at least, who often times feels so intrinsically alone and unloved and unhappy and desperate for all of those things to change, when my screenplay isn't coming out as absolutely perfect, I tend to break down under the pressure I set myself up for and end up staying away from my project for days or weeks at a time, almost as if I'm avoiding the horrible truth that even the most amazingly brilliant screenplay in the world can't solve my problems with life--it won't provide me the inner fulfillment and happiness and love and peace that I crave, so I need to find that for myself sans the screenplay before I can truly come back to those pages with a renewed sense of purpose and self.

Lastly, I'm really sorry to hear about your car troubles. I'm glad at least that there were a ton of witnesses and that a police report has been filed. If you live in a big city you may be screwed, but if your town is fairly small-ish you may have a chance at finding the guy. Life tends to throw you challenges and adversities in spades--as they say, when it rains, it pours.

Just take some calmness in realization that this is simply a cycle of the universe and that like all rainfall, this too shall pass, bringing with it the rays of the sun and a renewed sense of hope, love and purpose.

Thanks man, always good to hear from you because I feel like we come from similar places. What you said about putting too much weight on writing an amazing screenplay is the exact shit i go through. Even the part about procrastination. It's no good to have your creative endeavors influence your mood that much. I'm learning that music alone is shaky grounds to base my validation on. But I've just been following the advice of people claiming that if you follow your passion everything will fall into place. I'm learning there's so much more behind it that is never touched upon.

They actually pulled over the guy so they got him at the scene. Still don't know who's paying for these repairs yet. Hopefully his insurance. It's funny that this stuff comes about as soon as I started internalizing a belief system where I'm financially well off and comfortable. I think I'm being tested. Like the universe is saying "well off eh? Then I guess you won't mind your car getting messed up a bit." I've realized that it's hard to break a belief system and it truly is an art to not constantly reaffirm an old reality. Every potentially bad thing that happens is an opportunity to reinforce what I want instead of what I don't want.

I'm getting this feeling of unease. Where I know a lot has to change in my life, but at the same time I'm overwhelmed at how much I have to improve. Not just myself, but my life in general. I know I'm resisting DMSI. Interestingly enough what I thought was execution was actually me trying to pull control away from my subconscious. To take things into my own hands and I guess try to selectively execute the programming? I can feel this back and forth thing going on. When I catch myself resisting I remind myself that this is what's causing my misery and I'll feel better if I just move forward.

This feeling of being pushed in a certain direction, but feeling unable to do it sucks big time. It's leaving me in this anxious, irritable, and confused state. Not being able to really relax and enjoy life, but at the same time not really making massive strides in any sort of direction.

No real resolution. Just doing my best to keep moving forward and constantly throw out my limiting beliefs that hold me back. I've realized it's not about avoiding negative thoughts and trying to get rid of them. That's an exercise in futility. It's about not giving them power. Along with that I've realized the amount of willpower I expend on a daily basis trying to hold back the flood of negative thoughts I experience is what has left me drained for a while now. Learning to look at these things from a more objective viewpoint and dissect them is a weak skill for me I have to develop more. To not have that knee jerk reaction that has me automatically accepting whatever negative thing I tell myself. I think what it really boils down to is learning to accept responsibility for my emotional states instead of seeing them as something that just happens and trying to wait it out instead of actively working on it. Understanding how I'm making myself feel bad, how I'm giving myself anxiety, how I'm preventing my own success instead of using my subconscious as a scapegoat and ruminating on how much it all sucks.

I'm looking back before my dmsi run and I was playing the victim role a lot. I wanted things in life and without even trying I gave up and just thought about killing myself. The world was evil, I wasn't made for it, blah blah blah. What I really want to know. What causes this lack of responsibility for ones own emotional state? To take up a sort of martyr complex and spitefully take on the role of being the lowest of the low, not even trying anything. Even going so far into emotional manipulation of others, mostly unconsciously, by making myself appear worse off than I actually was in life. Whenever someone tried to advise things that would pull me out of it all, I'd paint them as the bad guy in my head. I was so fucked up then. I want to go back in time and slap myself for the amount of time I constantly wasted just ruminating and pissing my life away.

Taking an extended break from DMSI. Feels like I've been running in circles and I just need to give my mind some rest. I've tried almost everything except taking a break. And I've always been reluctant to do so because I was afraid I was on the verge of a major breakthrough and didn't want to lose progress. Well I think the major breakthrough thing is a myth for me. If I'm not improving or reaching the desired outcome then I should change something, not blindly follow in hopes that something will happen.

Change of heart. Just gonna switch to B instead of taking a break. I'm tired. And this focus on H&C puts me in this weird loop where I hold back from doing anything until I feel ready, which results in me avoiding execution because I feel I still need to heal. I'm not saying healing and clearing isn't valuable, but I honestly think it's about time for me to switch focus and execute dmsi. I want to get out of my head and just live my life. I can't get there constantly obsessing on these internal issues that may or may not even be there. I don't even know anymore. Like I said, I have to try something different and I've never done B before.

Stuff has just been building up for a while now and this latest car accident was the straw that broke the camels back. I realized I spent a lot of time just feeling shitty about the whole situation and my life in general. But I never do anything to change it.