Going to get real in this post. I was on my way home from work and I just had the most soul crushing depression. Been waking up that way too. I was driving behind a tow truck and contemplated just ramming into it full speed and just ending shit for myself. I have to write about it because it eats me up inside when I try to hide it. I need to get it out somewhere.
After that thought I found a whole bunch of negative self talk, telling myself I was delusional, I'll always be a failure, life's always going to suck for me, I messed it all up and it's too late, etc. I found myself thinking these things and I was able to cut myself off from them. Something that I'm usually not able to do. So I was thankful I didn't find myself in that familiar rumination I so often get caught in.
But one thing I really struggle with is positivity. It seems like I'm ok at rejecting the negative and not putting myself into a worse state. But when it comes to elevating myself I just can't seem to bolster a postiive self image. It always seems fake or like I'm trying too hard.
This post is kind of emotionally heavy, but I've realized I still have a lot of emotionally heavy stuff I'm dealing with. I think there's still a lot of shame and guilt surrounding my ongoing battles with depression and anxiety. Not having that ability to simply snap out of it. I don't know, things are just really rough for me and it feels like instead of taking the time to give myself the space I need to heal, I just want to be better for the sake of not feeling like I'm messed up.
One thing I am really starting to learn about myself and positivity/negative plus the obsessive type of ruminating I think you and I both share is that it always stems from a sense of negative self-perception. Whether you want to call that a lack of self-worth, self-love, self-validation or self-esteem or whatever, it all stems from the same place.
Ultimately, when you take a look at the things that make you feel alone or worthless or like a total reject and failure, you'll notice that you have intense desires for these things to not be that way. Deep down, you feel alone and like a failure because you truly believe you have been like that your whole life, or at least for the most longstanding recent part of it.
It doesn't have to be that way. It takes a special type of concentrated effort to get to this place, but the fact of the matter is that the things that you desire, when you feel like you don't have them, that in turn makes you feel horrible and depressed and worthless, they're just that--they're desires. They're not *needs*, though, and that's an important distinction, and something to really be able to appreciate.
You don't need to be an alpha male, or have a great social life, or a great sex/romantic life, or a great career to be fulfilled, happy, content, or peaceful. You've convinced yourself that those things will make you happy over the course of many years of feeling the opposite of those things. But these are not needs. The only thing you actually need to live your life is food, shelter, and water. If you can let go of all of your past, any thoughts about your future, and all of the feelings of lacking or *needing* things in your present, you'll begin to realize that the only reason you're really unhappy and continuing to cycle back into that is because you subconsciously let yourself remain in that state. Your past, your *needs* (and by needs I mean things like girls, love, sex, social proof, your dreams to have a great career in music), and your future are all completely interchangeable. You can consciously let go of all of your negative senses and emotions about the past, let go of all of your senses of these *needs*, and not worry about the future. What will be will be. Life is a spiritual journey and you only get one. You don't need a career in music and you don't need to be loved by beautiful women to feel content and peaceful with yourself. Your past haunts you and controls your subconscious, and you're now convinced that you need the things that subs like AM and DMSI offer you are means to finding contentment woth yourself and true, inner happiness---but there are so many rich alpha male palyboy celebrities who "have it all" and are still just as fucked up inside and horribly depressed and unhappy as you are today.
The solution to my sources of unhappiness in the past few weeks has been to consciously let go of my self-narrative. The ideas and perceptions I've placed upon myself because of the past are simply a narrative--Kalmah is a "character", but I can mentally choose to ignore and let go of the negative feelings of my past and remind myself daily that I actually don't need anything or anyone to find a source of peace, contentment, and inner happiness. Realizing that i felt like I NEEDED the approval of women, higher value men, and society at large, and realizing that I felt like I NEEDED to become an award winning millionaire screenwriter really changed my self-perception.
You are not defined by the things you have in your life, whether they be your car, your possessions, your girlfriend, or your job. You are not defined by success, by how other people seem to perceive you, or by your past transgressions and traumas. You are not defined by how well you are likely to do in the future, whether or not you will succeed or fail, or anything else.
If you can truly let go of your past, and re-frame your self-perception by eliminating all the negative feelings associated with your past, as well as eliminating all feelings of intense need or desire or longing for certain integral things in your life to make you happy, you will find inner peace and contentment. And from there, the journey can begin anew, perhaps towards music and women, perhaps towards a completely different place entirely.
The subs do a lot of heavy lifting, but utlimately, the rest is up to you, and by that, I mean your conscious self. Let go of all of the negativity from your past and your current sense of self, let go of any desires or needs you feel to solve your problems or fears, and let go of any sense of control or need to dictate your future. Live in the present and experience the moment, and don't destroy yourself over things you simply cannot control, past, present, or future.
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kalmah0804
Are you saying to live in the present and expereince the moment and dont destroy yourself over things you simply cannot control, past, present, or future.... but still try to work towards achieving these things such as a more fulfilling sex/love life, more success in music goals, and other stuff?
if you let go of the desires, then how do you continue pursuing music, women, or whatever if the desire no longer exists, and what's the reason for doing it if the desire no longer exists?
(11-30-2017, 03:00 PM)dissonance Wrote: [ -> ]@kalmah0804
Are you saying to live in the present and expereince the moment and dont destroy yourself over things you simply cannot control, past, present, or future.... but still try to work towards achieving these things such as a more fulfilling sex/love life, more success in music goals, and other stuff?
if you let go of the desires, then how do you continue pursuing music, women, or whatever if the desire no longer exists, and what's the reason for doing it if the desire no longer exists?
These are just my own personal beliefs right now. I can't tell you what works for everyone.
In an ideal state, you will want nothing. You should feel completely fully happy and content with yourself and want for nothing. Once all desire is truly dead inside of you, you can replace those old desires with the same things, but from a healthier standpoint.
The problem is that right now, for someone like me, my desires to be loved by a woman or to have success in my career and be respected by my peers all stems from a negative place. They're not actually desires or goals--they are treated by my subconscious as *needs*. The amount of control these *desires* have over my life is batshit insane. I don't feel this torn up about not having anything to drink despite being really thirsty as I do when I'm rejected or spurned by a girl I've taken interest in, and I don't feel as helpless and desperate and afraid when my career's taken a hopeless turn for the worse and I feel no control over my situation whatsoever. For me, I treat these major "desires" as more psychologically important and impactful than basic survival needs--there's something wrong with that.
I'd imagine that a lot of people on this forum suffer from the same type of thinking, hence the huge market for subs like AM or SM or DMSI or even something like BAMM. The subs are powerful tools and we shouldn't discard them, but we should also strive to find inner peace and total self-acceptance from within without ever feeling the *need* to achieve the goals.
We kill these *needs* within ourselves and focus more on being in the present. Create music because you enjoy creating music. Socialize with women not to fuck them but merely because you enjoy flirting with girls and making them laugh. Live in the present and learn to be content and at peace with yourself and kill off all of your needs. This is a really difficult thing to do. I'm still doing it right now. I'm horribly and miserable and depressed as fuck right now because a girl I've been going out with now for a little over a month is slowly starting to show less interest and (I feel) is blowing me off. I'm totally dismayed and destroyed by it because all I've wanted for as long as I can remember is to be totally loved by a woman in such a romantic, intimate light, and I really thought that this was going to be it. I'm not too optimistic about my chances with her anymore, and am destroying myself psychologically.
Even while recognizing this, I can tell you this is not ok. To be so mentally distraught over the rejection of a single woman makes no goddamned logical sense. So, I need to kill this "desire" of wanting a relationship. I need to go on dates to socialize and meet girls, not to find love and romantic companionship. I need to kill this desire so that rejection cannot hurt me and I can find some semblance of peace living by myself and supplying my own self-affection and self-love.
And once I've achieved this state, I can date women because I *choose* to, not because I *need* to. I can work in the film industry because I *choose* to. NOT because I NEED to.
Does this make sense at all?
Thanks Kalmah, I understand a lot of what you're saying. And they are similar thoughts I've had in the past. The problem for me is it's all theory for me. There's this bridge or gap between understanding suffering vs being free of it. I've spent a lot of time thinking similar things. Needs vs wants, letting go of control, not being overly attached to things. I spent a large portion of my life in a very passive allowing life to happen journey mentality and it burned me. I fucked up royally because I was too attached to the idea of not planning, pursuing, pushing, and having everything come to me in time. All that happened was time passed me by and I missed out on life.
And in my experience when I got into these mindsets or enlightenment of understanding how I don't need something outside myself, it was just fear in disguise. Another way to keep me tethered to my old self, but this time a positive spin on it so I'd be less likely to resist it.
I'm just at a point in my life where I'm really jaded. I can find contentment within myself most of the time. The problem is that doesn't last when I'm thrown into real life. It's like a nice little bubble, but that's all it is. No different from any other type of distraction. It's a false sense of harmony. I've actually had to break this habit because it's what contributed to my lack of happiness. The only time I'll know when my life is in balance is when I can live my life and not have to go through all this philosophical jargon in my head to convince me of something that just isn't true.
If I completely missed the point of your post I apologise. You're probably further ahead than me and understand this stuff on a more instinctual feeling based level. I just don't think I'm there yet so I'm unable to apply the ideas.
Nevermind Kalmah, I get it now. After that post I had some time to think. My depressive ruminating state was actually a result of the discomfort module in DMSI. I kept perpetuating that instead of executing.
I get it now. I get how I'm the one creating this misery for myself, just running narratives in my head and waiting for dmsi to change me. When really dmsi shows me the way, but I have to consciously choose to change my life. If I'm feeling miserable it's because I'm telling myself negative things. And if I tell myself I can't change that's just another belief that I have to ignore and just reinforce the fact that I can.
I'm seeing now that we truly are what we believe and to become what we want we just have to focus on being that. The negatives I tell myself aren't inherent truths, just creations from my own mind.
(12-01-2017, 09:41 AM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Nevermind Kalmah, I get it now. After that post I had some time to think. My depressive ruminating state was actually a result of the discomfort module in DMSI. I kept perpetuating that instead of executing.
I get it now. I get how I'm the one creating this misery for myself, just running narratives in my head and waiting for dmsi to change me. When really dmsi shows me the way, but I have to consciously choose to change my life. If I'm feeling miserable it's because I'm telling myself negative things. And if I tell myself I can't change that's just another belief that I have to ignore and just reinforce the fact that I can.
I'm seeing now that we truly are what we believe and to become what we want we just have to focus on being that. The negatives I tell myself aren't inherent truths, just creations from my own mind.
Exactly brother. The "narrative self" does so much good/damage on our own self-perception, but that's all your life and mindset is--a "narrative"--aka, it isn't really set in stone or real--it's just the tale you've spun for yourself psychologically on how your whole life has led up to this moment right now and how key moments and figures have made you who are today.
But you can let go of the narrative or change the narrative with enough concentrated effort. Yes, I was horribly abused by all of society for almost my entire life. Was that my fault? Hell, no! Does that mean I have to continue living my life feeling like I'm ostracized, alone, tormented and unloved? Hell no! That's just the story I've been telling myself for the last 20+ years of my whole goddamned life. We can still become the people we want to become and not have to let a goddamned "story" ruin how we feel about ourselves in the moment. We should be living life for the enjoyment and fulfillment of it, not to prove anything, or not to satisfy some deep-down "need" born out of a personal story of self-loathing and misery.
You can do some more basic reading on the narrative self over here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_identity
It's pretty basic, but really look at how the narrative self evolves over the course of our lives from a basic linear narrative, to one with cause and effect relationships from major events in our lives, and then to one where we begin to apply "themes" to the story of our whole lives, and how we think they're going to go down in the future. What the basic Wiki page really fails to mention at large, however, is the idea that narratives aren't set in stone. They're fictional constructs, to an extent, that we've spun for ourselves psychologically to explain our identity. If someone asks you "tell me a little bit about yourself", you're going to give them your "life story". Significant events layered over the course of time have triggered you deeply emotionally and given you an overwhelming sense of a "theme", such as, "I cannot be truly loved" (this is just me spitballing here, not saying you have these themes in particular). You live with the "theme" caused by the most important parts of your life story and gain a sense of identity and self-perception from these events--but you yourself still give them emotional power and control over you because your whole identity is based on the themes you've derived from your life story.
But you can pick new themes or, at the very least, realize that your identity isn't based on your past and your "life story", and that with real willpower (plus the usage of subs), you can make real, life-changing active changes to your entire identity as you, me, and everyone else you've ever come into contact with knows it. The Mat you're going to be once you can let go of Old Mat is going to be a completely different person--you literally have no idea who you could be if only you could let go of the "life story" of Old Mat.
So just let go of the past, breathe, and realize, when you're emotionally upset over something, this is your brain re-living old wounds, making you feel like you cannot escape your life story--because your identity is based on that story--to suffer is
who you are--but it's not really... it's
who you currently think you are.... and only you can change that.
Good stuff Kalmah. Definitely a lot to digest. That's very fitting with how I've lived my life, right down to being unlovable. You hit the nail on the head. It seems so simple when we really break it down, but it's amazing how we do this to ourselves for most our lives without even conscious awareness of it.
As an update it feels like I haven't posted about real progress in a while, so I'm stumbling upon things that are shifting my mindset. I've been going back to my earliest memories in childhood to see where things went wrong. Not with parents, just significant life events that could have effected me in some way that I haven't healed from. Instead of dwelling on how much pain it caused me I started talking to my inner child self. It's weird but I truly believe we have sub-selves within ourselves, all part of our vast inner world of our minds. Almost like a dream. You know how you meet dream characters? I think there are fragmented pieces of ourselves from our lives, embedded there sort of rehearsing old wounds that we don't heal from sometimes.
Anyway I had one memory of an art teacher being incredibly critical of my drawings as a kid. Though it wasn't music, I can see now how that criticism stunted my creativity and plagued me with the feeling of being afraid of getting things wrong. This has carried over into my music where I often felt it was a battle to express myself and create. I told my inner child art can't be wrong, it's expression and whatever you want it to be, then I told that miserable art teacher to get the hell out. I felt this liberating feeling. I've been studying music theory for a bit now along with mixing and I was getting so trapped in feeling like things had to be done a certain way. It was masking my creativity. I feel like I'm closer to making the music I want to, not bound by the constraints of genre or rules, making my own decisions and trusting them.
There was another one where I got punched in the throat as a kid. Kind of traumatic for me because it came out of nowhere. No instigation, nothing. The kid just thought it would be funny to turn around and hit me in the throat. As a rational adult I recognize everyone I meet is not going to punch me in the throat. But as that scared inner self I'm constantly afraid of people. I never thought much of this event, so I never worked on it or it attempted to heal it. I never thought it had any correlation to my anxiety. But it's clear now my irrational phobia of people wasn't really irrational at all to some part of my mind.
These are just two events that stuck out. I think there might be more in there I need to move on from. Also I noticed when I truly let go listening to the sub last night my body started going through this shaking response just like in the trauma release exercises I used to practice. It's like the body knows instinctually how to purge these things but too much conscious interference gets in the way.
Mind was blown last night. I've realized I haven't moved on from old negative beliefs as much as I thought. It was crazy, I was in a half asleep state and it hit me that the subconscious dictates my actions. I thought of all the undesirable behavior I've exhibited and how I was running a script or program. It was a little scary to be honest because I had this awareness of just how much I was following things on autopilot. Made me realize how important it is to get things sorted on a subconscious level otherwise you're fighting a never-ending battle.
That being said, autopilot with DMSI scares me. I'm afraid I'll go insane or hurt someone or do something I'll regret. Very strong fear. Even last night I was listening to the sub and I thought I heard audible voices saying "You will obey". Then I got paranoid as hell as to what was in the sub. Maybe I was resisting so much because Shannon was secretly trying to create dependence on subs and to give him more money. I want to be clear these are my fear based delusions, but at the time they felt very real. I think there's a strong lack of trust between my conscious and subconscious.
Anyway DMSI is dragging me through everything in spite of all this. My mistake was trying to control the whole process. But now I'm learning to give up control and let my subconscious navigate. I have this intuitive understanding of things, like my success is all mapped out already. It's this knowing that I'll be successful because it already happened and now I just have to follow the direct path my subconscious has laid out. For that reason i shouldn't fear the subconscious taking control because it knows the most direct safest path and won't let anything bad happen.
I swear I'm perceiving things on a whole different level. The other day my midi keyboard wasn't working. So I just sat there and waited for an answer. Then I just followed my intuition. Turns out a file was blocked that had my parameter mapping and I knew the exact location without looking for it. Also with making music I'm not thinking about what notes to play or sounds to design, it's like my brain knows what it wants and then shows me the direct steps to get there. It's like all my problems or questions are being fed through a supercomputer and the solution is spit out for me. Almost like I'm outsourcing brain computational power. Maybe I'm getting some effects from MLS or this could just be the success programming in DMSI. Either way things have gotten interesting.
Awesome update!
The "knowing I'll be successful" is a sign of dmsi being executed.
All the users who got good results reported that, and I definitely had it back when my hairdresser was into me.
Interesting.... I had a creepy dream too were this guy was following me everywhere and saying obey obey obey I didn’t mention it because I didn’t know what it is
Had a similar experience, several months back. I'd have this vision of myself as a kid throwing a temper tantrum "I don't want to", with my current physical voice yelling at my kid-self "do it!, do it!" and suchlike. It'd pop up in my head every now and again. Tried to steer it towards a more convincing/less scary path, but I don't really know if I've succeeded 100% (probably not).
Actually, re-visiting deep childhood memories and practicing self-talk to your "child self" (the multiple versions of self theory you described up above) was a huge part of my EDMR/trauma therapy and a huge contributer to my overall breakthrough and renewed sense of self-respect and self-mastery. I have a lot of bounce-back days where I'm not dealing as well, but ever since really learning to talk to my various-aged selves from traumatic times in my past, I've been able to deal with current stressors and issues in my life with relative ease, and generally go out of my house and socialize with others in a more relaxed, upbeat, confident and happy state. I think this re-visiting and re-talking to the past combined with eventually letting it go and choosing to focus more on living life actively in the present is a huge part of growing towards more mental and emotional stability, and I think you're on the right track to many great things (hopefully).
Hang in there. You may have several more tough days ahead of you, but I can see you inching your way closer and closer to the next threshold. One of my therapists put it to me like this--your life is a giant ship--and you're currently in the process of turning that ship around--and you're doing a really, really good job at it--but turning a giant ship around in an ice field isn't easy, and there are gonna be setbacks and delays and all sorts of difficulties in the process--but you *are* turning the ship around, and you *are* gonna get yourself onto that course that you've always dreamed your life could be headed.
Letting go. I thought I knew what letting go was, but apparently my primary defense mechanism is to "let go" in the sense that I let go from influence from the sub. Currently going through a phase where I'm dissociating and not catching myself. I think DMSI does trigger a lot of anxiety for me and when it does old coping mechanism kick in that feel right to me. It's like when things get overwhelming my response is to shut it out. Confronted with fear or uncertainty I have a tendency to run. The biggest issue is that I don't run in the sense of outwardly stuff. It's more internal. So I pull back more and more until I'm on autopilot and life happens but I'm not really in it.
I noticed my resistance manifests a lot as "you're trying too hard or you're doing it wrong or you need to relax more". And when those thoughts run through my head the "relaxing" or "easing up" is really just the resistance winning out and pulling me back into my comfort zone. The hardest part is that when this happens it seems legit. It seems like it will help me or move me along faster with the sub.
It feels like an internal tugging almost. Like when I'm caught off guard it can't wait to pull me back in. There's always this internal feeling of things being "wrong" when I'm executing. It seems like maybe a part of me was spooked by the powerful experience I had a few days ago and now it's wary to give up control. Still I'm making some progress. I notice I'm less influenced by these distracting tactics and able to right myself when I sort of drift off the path of success.