Subliminal Talk

Quote:So yeah went in to DMSI with the intent of healing and getting sexier. Coming out feeling like nobody could ever love me for who I am.

Coming out? You're just getting started with what DMSI has in store for you. This is the healing and clearing at work. Lot of growth and healing left to do my friend. Don't stop now.

(08-07-2017, 07:48 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]

Quote:So yeah went in to DMSI with the intent of healing and getting sexier. Coming out feeling like nobody could ever love me for who I am.

Coming out? You're just getting started with what DMSI has in store for you. This is the healing and clearing at work. Lot of growth and healing left to do my friend. Don't stop now.

Yeah that was the wrong choice of words, sounds like I gave up. I'm ready more than ever to seriously heal myself. Now that I absolutely know the direction I have to take and I've accepted what needs to be healed instead of running away from it.

Trying to figure out where everything went wrong for me. I think the hardest thing in my life has been dealing with the fact I have no real reason to be as messed up as I am except just doing it to myself. My parents were great growing up, more than I could ever ask for. But somehow I just screwed everything up in my life and I don't know why.

My biggest mistake with this whole healing process is getting too absorbed into the stories and attachments of the emotions that come up or just outright denying them. It's been hard to find a middle ground, but I think I'm discovering it. I have to acknowledge my pain, but the focus should be on healing and letting go, not re-experiencing it or obsessing on it. Over identification with the emotions results in me getting stuck and playing out the victim mentality.

I hope one day I don't have to work so hard to maintain a sense of peace and I automatically feel positive rather than trying to constantly disconnect and remind myself I'm not these negative things I tell myself.

Screw it. Feels like I've been intellectualizing this whole emotional healing process way too much. Trying to figure out how to do it the best way, being afraid of getting stuck, being afraid of reverting to old habits, etc. But by trying to control the whole thing I'm not getting the benefits. I just have to let go and if I feel bad, well I feel bad and I make the best of it. There's this fear inside of me I guess that if I go too deep into these emotional issues I'll get sucked into them and my life will return to what it was like a couple of years ago.

But it feels like it's all building up inside of me with no release for the past few days. This job, this new job I'm afraid of, my whole life how nothing really feels right to me despite what I do, constantly feeling like I"m just trying and not really living, feels like I have to psyche myself up to go into the outside world and it's draining. Just a ton of stuff that's on my mind and how when I really stop to think about it I question what the hell am I doing? Feels like I'm just running out the clock until I die instead of living each day to the fullest. Just feels like I want to let go and just be. Just absolutely fed up with modern society and feeling like I have to make excuses for why I don't really fit in all that well when it's really not my problem to begin with. So many people are just jerks and I'm sick of having their behavior influence me in any way shape or form. It kills me how I'm so reactive to it even when I tell myself I won't be. Just really really want to detach from the influence of anybody. I guess part of that comes from my self worth, I need to feel good enough about myself where other's opinions of me matter very little. But at the moment I don't seem to think too highly of myself so when I do encounter the occasional jerk their actions mirror my own internal beliefs about myself.

Gah, DMSI without a doubt has my brain twisted up in the most convoluted ways.

I was thinking about this whole healing thing and realized something. Shannon put the discomfort module in DMSI to make you uncomfortable when resisting. Well I think I've mistaken that feeling of discomfort for emotional pain that needs healing and I've been in a cycle of putting myself into a resistant state instead of following instructions. More pain and discomfort =/= more growth, but for some reason that stubborn belief will not leave my head. And since my mind found a way to generate intense discomfort I've been stuck in a loop of endless "healing". That would be my guess to what's going on in my mind at the moment. I could be completely wrong, but it seems plausible to me.

The next version will not have the discomfort script.

Travis DMSI will raise your status amongst men they will respect you not fear you. You do not need to learn martial arts in case you get into a fight. However if its something you want to learn in your heart. Then follow your heart/

(07-05-2017, 04:03 PM)Travis Wrote: [ -> ]

(07-05-2017, 03:52 PM)mat422 Wrote: [ -> ]Ok so quick update with DMSI. I now understand why some of the guys running this got so aggressive lol. It's like it takes away that filter that says "no don't say that, you're a bad person if you say that".

DMSI is making me start training martial arts, because the way I am acting I think I'm going to eventually rub some guy the wrong way. If I don't know how to defend myself its going to be a bad situation. :/

Matt I am enjoying reading your journals. Lots of juicy feedback for Shannon great work !. Plus you are very descriptive.

(08-10-2017, 01:28 PM)thor2014 Wrote: [ -> ]Matt I am enjoying reading your journals. Lots of juicy feedback for Shannon great work !. Plus you are very descriptive.

Thanks. They can get a bit chaotic at times, but I'm glad you get something out of them.

---

So resistance. Resistance really sucks when you're resisting and don't even realize it. And that's been me these past few days. Seems like my primary mode of resisting is dissociating. I can't describe it all that well, but it's like this ability to pull back from everything and disconnect. I guess that would be stonewalling? Don't really know. I'm going to try to be more mindful of this from now on. It's hard because it's not external behavior, so it's very easy to lose track of it and slip up. All I know is when I am executing the script I get strong feelings of fear coming up and this compulsion to just shut myself out from the world. I notice my body tenses up as well, like physically I'm trying to escape.

I think I need to try harder to blast through the fear instead of taking it easy. Seems like whenever I take it too easy on myself it's too simple to fall into avoidant behavior. Every ounce of me feels like it's trying to run away but I can't give into it. Still waiting for that moment when I get past all this and I don't have to be so vigilant about watching my avoidant behavior.

More insight. Don't know how much this will help out Shannon or not in the future, but I think I have some unique challenges when it comes to these sublminals that might aid others.

If anyone's read up on enneagram, I'm a 9. Basically I'm a seeker of harmony above all else. That's my internal value system. However, it has a tendency to go haywire and I seek harmony as a way to avoid confrontation or unpleasantness. I think this has been happening with things like fear, guilt, and shame about myself. A sort of stockholm syndrome thing going on where I don't want to rid myself of them because that implies destruction or lack of harmony, so I remain a prisoner to them. It's not that I've been afraid to remove these things, rather internally I feel it's "wrong" and goes against some internal code of mine. However irrational that seems, I tend to be guided by that.

In particular I was reading the script for OGSF and words like reject and destroy seemed to trigger resistance within my body. I feel like that points towards a need to start accepting more assertiveness and non-harmonious behavior. But I noticed this harmonious nature has led me to be far too accepting of others opinions of me, so I'm putting a stop to it. There needs to be more balance in myself and if I lean on the more aggressive confrontational side for a few months to internalize the strengths I need, I'm ok with that. I'm to the point where I'd rather have people call me a jerk than try to take advantage of me. I get depressed a lot by the behavior of others in all honesty and I hate living in a world like this at times, but it's my responsibility to be strong enough to stand up to it otherwise I have no control and I'll be at the mercy of the more awful people of this world.

In a way my internal negative dialogue is a lot like how I'm too willing to accept the mistreatment from other people. I'd go along with it instead of telling it off because I was too focused on maintaining this false sense of harmony. A bit like an abusive relationship really. Moving towards my "darker" side seems like it's going to yield the most growth for me and I've been avoiding it. In general I need to move away from this obsession with harmony and be more of myself, have my own opinions, live my own life, and to just stop compromising all the damn time.

Lol, knew that one was coming.

So it seems like my idea of moving over to the "darker" side is more of a exaggerated term for what most would call assertiveness and self respect. I've swung so far to the relaxed easygoing passive side that I can't even tell anymore. In the end it's all about balance anyway.

With that I had a brief period of time where I was aggressive and more guarded. Felt like I was ready to go off on anyone that crossed me the wrong way. But then I really analyzed what I was feeling and it was just a response to fear. I still worried what others thought about me and I was covering that up with an attitude of being overly aggressive. It goes back to knowing that I have the control and people don't make me feel a certain way. Being overly aggressive or attempting to be more dominant to control the response of others because I'm too afraid of them is just as bad as being weak and taking people's crap. Both imply that people have more power over me than I have over my own mind. Internal locus of control, that's what it's all about.

Also realized I put myself down a lot before others can reject me as a sort of defense mechanism. Like presenting myself as a messed up individual instead of highlighting my positive traits. I wondered why I did this for years, even went so far as to claim it was me being more "authentic". But in reality it was just another manifestation of the fear I have with people rejecting me or opening up.

The negative voice in my head isn't a separate entity, it's me. And I'm the one whipping myself in the back 24/7, so I can stop doing that. It's not a power struggle between positive and negative. I don't have to "win" and beat the negative. I just need to stop. Heightened self esteem is great, but I think if it's used in a way to avoid the negative it's just another coping mechanism. The hardest lesson I've been learning because I've lived without it for years is self compassion for myself. Erasing that habit of beating myself up, criticizing myself, and stunting my own growth. Even when I ran these subs I kept thinking to myself "the subliminal will give me more self compassion and respect for myself, I just have to keep going and one day it'll happen". Nope, I have to make the change and start thinking better about myself and a lot of that resistance came from not believing I was worthy of thinking better of myself. The sub has been pushing for it, but my conscious mind has been rejecting it at every opportunity. It feels like that's going to finally change for me as I accept my responsibility to make these positive changes in my own life vs waiting for the sub to do it and override the resistance.

Loops up to 5 now. I laid down last night and told myself I'm done resisting. Yeah I'm afraid but I realized it's more frightening to be controlled by fear than to keep pushing and make my life better. All this emotional baggage is falling away from me and I realize now how much fear kept it in place. I'm not 100 percent there yet but I'm learning to loosen up my death grip of control and let the subconscious steer more. There's immense power there, I can feel it.

Going to be starting a new job soon in IT. Full time, getting that much needed foot in the door. DMSI is making my life come together in a way that feels like a dream. A few years ago I never would have believed I could do this. It's only 14 hr but once I have this on my resume it'll be a hell of a lot easier to land jobs in the future.

With the emotional crap being released my music is coming together more too. Feels like if I keep going I'll eventually get to where I want.

There is this fear though I'm trying to purge. It's this fear that things aren't going to get better and I'll slide back into my old ways. Like ongoing success is a fantasy and eventually my luck will run out. It's a messed up belief and I can see how it causes me anxiety. Just living a life I'm happy with, I've spent so many years miserable I don't even know what that is.

Hey check out this page here:

http://edmprod.com/5-stages-electronic-music-producer/

Really interesting and motivating. Also, that site has tons of other good resources.

This site too: https://www.evosounds.com

Feel free to message me anytime, I'm a producer as well. So I'll be glad to share stuff with you like resources helpful sites or whatever you think you need help with. Or maybe I'll learn something from you, I don't know how far along you are