Subliminal Talk

Yeah, Dad could certainly use it. The thing is, he wouldn’t well, use it. He is completely convinced that his life sucks and will never get better, and will reject anything that might actually help. I spent twenty years of my life trying to “save” him him and feeling responsible for his life. That’s no longer my job.

(04-29-2019, 10:00 PM)Paul1131 Wrote: [ -> ]Yeah, Dad could certainly use it.  The thing is, he wouldn’t well, use it.  He is completely convinced that his life sucks and will never get better, and will reject anything that might actually help.  I spent twenty years of my life trying to “save” him him and feeling responsible for his life.  That’s no longer my job.

I'm sorry your father feels that way. Good for you though that you're no longer making it your responsibility.

(04-30-2019, 09:23 AM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]

(04-29-2019, 10:00 PM)Paul1131 Wrote: [ -> ]Yeah, Dad could certainly use it.  The thing is, he wouldn’t well, use it.  He is completely convinced that his life sucks and will never get better, and will reject anything that might actually help.  I spent twenty years of my life trying to “save” him him and feeling responsible for his life.  That’s no longer my job.

I'm sorry your father feels that way. Good for you though that you're no longer making it your responsibility.

That and I don’t exactly have fifteen hundred bucks lying around.

A couple of nights ago, my wife started to go at me again for some minor thing or another. The roommate then yelled at her about stressing her out by fighting. She said “you guys” but she confirmed that she was actually yelling at my wife. I hadn’t been fighting, I’d been staying calm like I’ve been doing. The wife then ran upstairs spent the rest of the night in our room. She was asleep when I came up (it was a day off for me).
I had a long talk with the roommate the next day. She’d noticed some things worth mentioning and helped me realize a few more things kinda like the conversation with my dad did.
Roommate has been a friend of both of ours for almost twenty years and has known us throughout our relationship. She’s living with us partly because she helps watch our son and saves us money on child care. She said that she noticed that the wife has been taking her anger out on me again (this seems to go in cycles) but she also noticed that I had not been getting angry myself or engaging in a petty game of oneupmanship. She said that that it seemed to confuse the wife and tick her off even more that the buttons she’s trying to push no longer elicit the reactions that they used to.
The roommate said that she was surprised when the wife and I got together and even more surprised that we’d lasted as long as we had. She said that she’d noticed that the wife was very picky and had a tendency of trying to impose her OCD on others as well as seeing everything as a contest and hadn’t figured that I’d put up with that for very long.
Here’s what that made me realize: I have never had a good relationship. I bounced from one woman with severe mental issues to another, and until the one just before I got together with my wife they’d always left me and I never took it well. That kind of lead me to see my wife as a better choice and “sane” when she presented herself. (Mind you this WAS true, she is still much saner than the ones who came before her but that doesn’t say much).
Now, I’m a very desirable man. I’m good looking, intelligent, responsible, fun, and all that stuff. I just could never make a connection with a woman who hadn’t ridden the crazy train for more than a couple of loops.
The reason, or at least one of them that I allowed myself to be treated this way throughout my romantic life stems from my childhood. Throughout all the time I lived with my parents, yelling, extreme criticism, and cruel degrading insults were the norm. When I was very young, my parents went after each other. More to the point, my mom went after my Dad until he had a loud blow up. She even casually physically abused him.
After they divorced, I became the sole target for both of them. My father for reasons that I’ve explained before, and I have no idea why my mother was the way she was, but she wasn’t pleasant to be around. This caused me to see chaos as normal, as well to have self esteem problems etc. That’s why I’ve hung on so long with a wife who seems constantly angry and mistreats me. It just didn’t occur to me that there was anything wrong with the situation, it fit into my normal.
Having realized that, I REALLY don’t want my son to grow up thinking that what he’s seeing is normal or ok, I know how much damage that can do.

These kinds of realizations are extremely important. Good for you that you're open to having these epiphanies! Looks like you're making good progress and really growing as a person. Great job!

I had a job interview yesterday. After I left and had been on the road for a few minutes I realized that I’d forgotten some important paperwork, and I needed to go back home to get it. Fortunately I had left early enough that I had a good time cushion. Unfortunately, traffic was very heavy so it took awhile to get back home. Before this would have made me go berserk screaming at other drivers and putting my blood pressure through the roof. This time, I still felt a bit stressed, but not nearly as bad as I have in similar situations in the past. I got home, got the papers, and got to my interview with time to spare. I was only a little nervous during, and I think it went well. Big improvement on that.

Something has changed with this last set. This is taking a LOT more energy to run. I just finished night three, and I’ve had difficulty keeping my eyes open each night of this cycle. I am not entirely sure that this is related to the sub, and not some seasonal biorhythm of mine, but it’s worst during the last loop. Also, I kind of feel uncomfortable, and want to turn it off during my last loop. It’s hard to describe, but it’s an annoying feeling. Some of my old negative thinking is trying to resurface, but it’s very fleeting. I think maybe some part of the program is pushing into territory that hasn’t been touched before, and my subconscious doesn’t like it. My negative self image may also sense that its on the brink of extinction and be trying to make a last stand. In either case, I’m expecting a breakthrough in the near future. I am not going to modify anything. If I push through it, it’ll pass.
On the USLM front, I’ve wanted a certain type of firearm (Not trying to start a gun debate here guys, but it’d be hard to describe this without mentioning what the thing was.).for quite a while. My father is a part owner of a custom gun shop back in my home state, and has offered to build me one at a reduced price. I hadn’t been able to scrape enough together lately even for that. Dad is going to build me a really nice one and ship it out here for free. I’m going to go ahead and count that as a manifestation of something I had concentrated on wanting.

Good to hear it's working for you, man! I'm sure you'll hit that breakthrough soon. It seems everyone here has been having success with LTU5 and making great progress! It makes me super stoked to get in on it myself once I've finally got up the money.

Feeling better tonight, and a couple of things occurred to me.
I am doing a much better job of being on routine tasks than I ever have been before. Since we bought the house, I have let the yard become a disaster. When spring came around I didn’t get on mowing or weeding nearly fast enough, and just let things get overgrown before I got off my butt and dealt with it. That made things a lot more difficult when I finally did get around to dealing with it. This year, I noticed when things started greening up and started mowing and weeding weekly.
I figured something out about the wife. She’s terrified of criticism, or being made to feel imperfect. She has done a couple of things that she assumed would make me mad. These were minor decisions she made, and while I don’t particularly like a couple of them, I’m not one to rake her over the coals about small things. I noticed that she seemed very fearful when she told me that she did a couple of these things. In those cases I gently told her that I wasn’t angry. This goes with something I realized during an argument a few days ago. She is so afraid of being dominated by me that she has to constantly maintain some kind of dominance (at least in her mind) over me. She is having trouble and some level of fear from the new me who she can’t really dominate. It seems that she may have some of the same childhood problems that I do.
Now that I realize that, I may be able to do a better job managing things.

This is night two of my ASRB break, and I have been on LTU for two months.
I feel extremely confident tonight, and realize that I’ve been feeling that way for a while. Tonight is through the roof, I feel great. My body language is different, and while I’m conscious of it, it’s perfectly natural and caused by the way I’m thinking and feeling, not a conscious decision to move or stand that way. I feel very strong and natural dealing with people, and my voice has dropped a few octaves, and I’m using really awesome inflections. I look everyone in the eye now, and talk to them without the formal distance I usually maintain. I don’t always feel this way consciously, but tonight feels awesome.
This evening when I left for work my wife pointed out that I had left a light on by asking me if I had stock in the electric company. I looked at her and she said “Hey, I made it into a joke,”. This is different. Before she might have used those words, but it would be a lead in to lecturing or yelling. This time she almost acted like she’d done something wrong and knew it by even mentioning it. I’m not sure what this means, but I’ll take it as an improvement. I’m going to get to a place where she doesn’t even vocalize small faults like that, and this may be a step on that road.

(05-06-2019, 11:28 PM)Paul1131 Wrote: [ -> ]This is night two of my ASRB break, and I have been on LTU for two months.
I feel extremely confident tonight, and realize that I’ve been feeling that way for a while. Tonight is through the roof, I feel great. My body language is different, and while I’m conscious of it, it’s perfectly natural and caused by the way I’m thinking and feeling, not a conscious decision to move or stand that way. I feel very strong and natural dealing with people, and my voice has dropped a few octaves, and I’m using really awesome inflections. I look everyone in the eye now, and talk to them without the formal distance I usually maintain. I don’t always feel this way consciously, but tonight feels awesome.
This evening when I left for work my wife pointed out that I had left a light on by asking me if I had stock in the electric company. I looked at her and she said “Hey, I made it into a joke,”. This is different. Before she might have used those words, but it would be a lead in to lecturing or yelling. This time she almost acted like she’d done something wrong and knew it by even mentioning it. I’m not sure what this means, but I’ll take it as an improvement. I’m going to get to a place where she doesn’t even vocalize small faults like that, and this may be a step on that road.

Man this is AWESOME progress. Really. I'm impressed and somewhat jealous haha. But it really give me some look onto what LTU5 is capable to do. Thanks for sharing that.

Regarding your wife I would bet you "looking at her" probably no longer had a component of vulnerability that was there before and she now couldn't get to you so she realized what she was doing rather than taking out crap on you.

(05-06-2019, 11:28 PM)Paul1131 Wrote: [ -> ]This is night two of my ASRB break, and I have been on LTU for two months.  
I feel extremely confident tonight, and realize that I’ve been feeling that way for a while.  Tonight is through the roof, I feel great.  My body language is different, and while I’m conscious of it, it’s perfectly natural and caused by the way I’m thinking and feeling, not a conscious decision to move or stand that way.  I feel very strong and natural dealing with people, and my voice has dropped a few octaves, and I’m using really awesome inflections.  I look everyone in the eye now, and talk to them without the formal distance I usually maintain.  I don’t always feel this way consciously, but tonight feels awesome.  
This evening when I left for work my wife pointed out that I had left a light on by asking me if I had stock in the electric company.  I looked at her and she said “Hey, I made it into a joke,”.  This is different.  Before she might have used those words, but it would be a lead in to lecturing or yelling.  This time she almost acted like she’d done something wrong and knew it by even mentioning it.  I’m not sure what this means, but I’ll take it as an improvement.  I’m going to get to a place where she doesn’t even vocalize small faults like that, and this may be a step on that road.

That's awesome man! I look forward to getting LTU5 for sure as I'm sure it'll do a lot! IT almost sounds like it does what AM6 does, you know, making you more confident and getting you more respect, but it's focus is on healing and improving your life. Very cool subliminal. It seems to do so much at once!

(05-07-2019, 02:50 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]

(05-06-2019, 11:28 PM)Paul1131 Wrote: [ -> ]This is night two of my ASRB break, and I have been on LTU for two months.  
I feel extremely confident tonight, and realize that I’ve been feeling that way for a while.  Tonight is through the roof, I feel great.  My body language is different, and while I’m conscious of it, it’s perfectly natural and caused by the way I’m thinking and feeling, not a conscious decision to move or stand that way.  I feel very strong and natural dealing with people, and my voice has dropped a few octaves, and I’m using really awesome inflections.  I look everyone in the eye now, and talk to them without the formal distance I usually maintain.  I don’t always feel this way consciously, but tonight feels awesome.  
This evening when I left for work my wife pointed out that I had left a light on by asking me if I had stock in the electric company.  I looked at her and she said “Hey, I made it into a joke,”.  This is different.  Before she might have used those words, but it would be a lead in to lecturing or yelling.  This time she almost acted like she’d done something wrong and knew it by even mentioning it.  I’m not sure what this means, but I’ll take it as an improvement.  I’m going to get to a place where she doesn’t even vocalize small faults like that, and this may be a step on that road.

That's awesome man! I look forward to getting LTU5 for sure as I'm sure it'll do a lot! IT almost sounds like it does what AM6 does, you know, making you more confident and getting you more respect, but it's focus is on healing and improving your life. Very cool subliminal. It seems to do so much at once!

It really has been a heck of a couple of months.  It seems longer than that, and I kind of feel like a different person than the one who started it, and definitely a different man from the one who started USLM last August. I really wish this stuff had been available when I was eighteen.  My life would have been vastly different.
  I didn’t notice that AM6 did a whole lot for me.  But I was not able to follow the instructions strictly.  I was working in a place where I couldn’t bring a cell phone, and my eight hour shifts turned into sixteens at least once a week.  I might give it a go next year, but I am really looking forward to trying AM7.  Hopefully that comes out sooner than later.

(05-07-2019, 05:27 PM)Paul1131 Wrote: [ -> ]

(05-07-2019, 02:50 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]

(05-06-2019, 11:28 PM)Paul1131 Wrote: [ -> ]This is night two of my ASRB break, and I have been on LTU for two months.  
I feel extremely confident tonight, and realize that I’ve been feeling that way for a while.  Tonight is through the roof, I feel great.  My body language is different, and while I’m conscious of it, it’s perfectly natural and caused by the way I’m thinking and feeling, not a conscious decision to move or stand that way.  I feel very strong and natural dealing with people, and my voice has dropped a few octaves, and I’m using really awesome inflections.  I look everyone in the eye now, and talk to them without the formal distance I usually maintain.  I don’t always feel this way consciously, but tonight feels awesome.  
This evening when I left for work my wife pointed out that I had left a light on by asking me if I had stock in the electric company.  I looked at her and she said “Hey, I made it into a joke,”.  This is different.  Before she might have used those words, but it would be a lead in to lecturing or yelling.  This time she almost acted like she’d done something wrong and knew it by even mentioning it.  I’m not sure what this means, but I’ll take it as an improvement.  I’m going to get to a place where she doesn’t even vocalize small faults like that, and this may be a step on that road.

That's awesome man! I look forward to getting LTU5 for sure as I'm sure it'll do a lot! IT almost sounds like it does what AM6 does, you know, making you more confident and getting you more respect, but it's focus is on healing and improving your life. Very cool subliminal. It seems to do so much at once!

It really has been a heck of a couple of months.  It seems longer than that, and I kind of feel like a different person than the one who started it, and definitely a different man from the one who started USLM last August. I really wish this stuff had been available when I was eighteen.  My life would have been vastly different.
  I didn’t notice that AM6 did a whole lot for me.  But I was not able to follow the instructions strictly.  I was working in a place where I couldn’t bring a cell phone, and my eight hour shifts turned into sixteens at least once a week.  I might give it a go next year, but I am really looking forward to trying AM7.  Hopefully that comes out sooner than later.

I intend to use LTU5 for two whole years once I get it, before using something like AM6. If Am7 is out by then, that'll be really awesome! I wish I'd had something like LTU5 when I was 18 too, or better yet, in high school. God I could've been such a different man today... There's so much I wish I could go back in time and re-do. But the best I can do is work with what I got and hope for the best, you know?