OGSF 5.9G adventures and random musings

[Have at ye]

Things continuing as normal. Doing some translation jobs, translation tests, applying to jobs (with some responses even), what have you, being bored most of the time.

My singing is in a slump - I don't think I'm getting out of it on my own. I could really use some guidance so I'm going to ask some people whether they'd like to work with me. I always found it hard to ask for help. This time I'm also waffling, but I'm getting too frustrated to contiune as is. I wanted to apply to some chorus jobs but I can't do it because I'd make an ass out of myself with how my singing is right now. Can't work with my first voice teacher (he's too far away), gonna have to ask around. I have a certain person in mind, I'll try. A lot of my self-esteem is linked to how my singing is going apparently so that's not too good for me in general, makes me feel like I've wasted the past 12 years or so of effort.

I don't know why but I feel like I'm resisting the self-esteem programming in OGSF. My self-esteem has been down in the dumps ever since that psychotic episode and it doesn't seem to be budging an inch - especially that I've got few things to be proud of right now.

Started a diet, it's been going pretty well and I'm sticking to it without problems (intermittent fasting to be exact). Feels good, I need to get rid of my gut.

Still wondering which program to try after I've finished my first run of OGSF. I have three main candidates: USLM (for a general boost in how things are going), UMS (for the monies) or DMSI (for the chicks - I'd also like to see whether there's any difference pre and after OGSF) unless Shannon releases something that piques my interest in the meantime.

[Have at ye]

Had some somewhat disturbing dreams tonight, and I overslept for my singing practice. Oh well.

But in other news, I finally manned up and went to ask this lady I know whether she'd like to work with me as a singing teacher. I'm not getting out of this rut on my own. I've been waffling about doing so for quite some time now, but today I finally did it (also because I told my parents about this plan and they decided to give me money for this purpose, so now I have no excuses) and it seems like she's going to be willing to work with me. We'll see how this pans out.

Still suffering from the "overactive superego" as my therapist called it - thoughts that I'm a failure, at 35 having achieved nothing despite all efforts, including money-wise and sexually. She recommends I should have more "fun", but I'm incapable recently - due to the nagging thoughts that I should hustle and find work first, then have fun. But on the other hand, apart from looking for work and doing the odd translation job, I've got a lot of time on my hands and I shouldn't spend it all moping about and thinking what a failure I am, should I? Oh well.

[Have at ye]

Made arrangments for next Tuesday for a vocal coaching session with a woman I remember from my studies - hopefully she'll help me out with my vocal difficulties at it would be a real shame to waste pretty much 12 years of hard work. She sounds good for it and doesn't charge too much which is nice.

Otherwise, things are kinda slow. Doing translation jobs whenever I have any. Been reading books. Listening to OGSF (we're soon going to reach the four month mark - should I listen for six? I kinda feel about ready to switch programs). Still suffering from thoughts that I'm a loser and a failure at life and still feeling very lonely. Could probably use EPHRA or something like that - though I'll wait for the updated version (the previous one does not include shielding and I'm not keen on running any program without shielding). Been having dreams in response to the program.

It does appear that I have a little bit less guilt and shame to contend with, difficult to say on the fear though I've done some things that normally would make me really nervous (like asking for help) and went through them without a hitch pretty much. Been wondering which program would be best to get out of the "I'm a failure" loop - something that would bring about good tidings. DMSI is a pretty safe bet on the woman front (interesting things are bound to happen if my experience on running ver. 3.5 before OGSF are any indicator), though USLM or UMS would be better for general stuff. Feel free to chime in with ideas here if you're reading this journal.

[Have at ye]

Passed one of 'em translation tests for what looks to be a solid company, so I'm not all that hopeless after all. Hoping they're going to be sending lots of work my way. Needed to purchase a piece of software for their jobs and chanced upon a group buy deal with 30% off, so jumped onboard that.

My psychiatrist reamed me out for not having medical insurance. Like I'm doing it on purpose! Oh well, I'm gonna look into a way of getting it without having to pay too much for it - it would involve some legwork and some paperwork, and I'm not to keen on it, but I'll try.

Feeling a little bit better today thanks to the good work news. I've been contemplating jumping onto Universal Healing next, to see how it can help with my psychosis and some other issues I've been having recently. Possibly I'll run DMSI over the summer and then do UH, I'll see how I'm feeling after finishing up 4 months of OGSF. Feels like I'm going to do another 4-month run of OGSF later on.

[Have at ye]

Missed my loops yesterday because I fell asleep without turning them on. Oh well. Maybe a resistance tactic? I dunno.

Had that lesson with the new voice teacher. She said it's not all so bad as I was making it out to be, but from my perspective there's a lot of work to be done which is somewhat daunting (after 12 years I would have hoped to have gained a measure of singing ability - but that says a lot about my instructors heretofore as well) but I'll keep at it. Next lesson next week. I felt a little bit nervous (panicky) and tense during the lesson, lost focus several times. Ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while while I was at it, it was nice to catch up. He says he's finally getting to work on that opera libretto I had written a couple of years back, haha. Would be nice if something came out of it.

I have a meeting regarding a full-time job (with an employment contract, no less!) next week. Fingers crossed this goes well, sounds like the job would be a right fit for me and the pay is supposed to be not too shabby either.

Working today mostly, the new client has started sending work my way immediately. I find the task boring, but the money is always nice. I had to purchase a fairly expensive piece of software but upon telling my parents they reimbursed me immediately, that's very nice of them.

Feeling about ready to switch subliminals, but I'll stick to OGSF until the end of the month to make it full four months (with change). I will definitely revisit this program after a little switch.

[Sky]

Missed my loops yesterday because I fell asleep without turning them on. Oh well. Maybe a resistance tactic? I dunno.

Had that lesson with the new voice teacher. She said it's not all so bad as I was making it out to be, but from my perspective there's a lot of work to be done which is somewhat daunting (after 12 years I would have hoped to have gained a measure of singing ability - but that says a lot about my instructors heretofore as well) but I'll keep at it. Next lesson next week. I felt a little bit nervous (panicky) and tense during the lesson, lost focus several times. Ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while while I was at it, it was nice to catch up. He says he's finally getting to work on that opera libretto I had written a couple of years back, haha. Would be nice if something came out of it.

I have a meeting regarding a full-time job (with an employment contract, no less!) next week. Fingers crossed this goes well, sounds like the job would be a right fit for me and the pay is supposed to be not too shabby either.

Working today mostly, the new client has started sending work my way immediately. I find the task boring, but the money is always nice. I had to purchase a fairly expensive piece of software but upon telling my parents they reimbursed me immediately, that's very nice of them.

Feeling about ready to switch subliminals, but I'll stick to OGSF until the end of the month to make it full four months (with change). I will definitely revisit this program after a little switch.

What subliminal are you going to do next?

[Have at ye]

DMSI throughout the summer (I wanna see what difference four months of OGSF make and I'm lonely) and then Universal Healing.

[StridingStrider]

Missed my loops yesterday because I fell asleep without turning them on. Oh well. Maybe a resistance tactic? I dunno.

I find the same thing happening, but I chalked that up to exhaustion from all the healing subs I've been on.

DMSI throughout the summer (I wanna see what difference four months of OGSF make and I'm lonely) and then Universal Healing."

I'm also thinking of doing the same. It's summer time baby.

[Have at ye]

I kinda failed to get a job that would be perfect for me. I failed the test task. Oh well! You live and you learn. Continuing with my job search. Actually, there's a positive side to it - normally in my post-psychosis state I'd be down in the dumps about it something fierce, but now I got over it within the span of a day.

I have plenty of work, though, as the new translation customer is sending in lots of work - I'm pretty much working at capacity right now. At least I have something to do!

Ran into an old flame today after therapy today ("foxy psychotherapist" from my DMSI journals), we talked a lot about what's up with me and we made plans to maybe get some more Lacanian action going on in the near future. She's engaged now, so I doubt we'd be up to much romantically, but it would always be nice to have something to do and socialize a bit, especially since I'm planning to run DMSI again in the near future.

Been kinda struggling with keeping up with my OGSF regimen - missed another night of listening. But it's one more week and I'm switching programs.

Had a dream recently related to sexuality, erections and masturbation which seemed somewhat positive in its message, as if some fear and shame related to that were being worked on.

[Have at ye]

My family is trying to convince me to start studying again, this time psychology with the goal of becoming a psychotherapist. I am tempted. The only drawback I see is that I would have to concurrently work and study AGAIN for the next 5 years which is a daunting perspective, but not something I have not done before (I've been working my entire adult life). And it would be nice to have a different job as well apart from singing and translation, because I'm sick of them both to be honest, especially of translation.

Also they offered to pay for it.

I need to think about it some more but I'm veering towards "yes". It would also help alleviate loneliness because I'd be among people yet again.

Otherwise listening to my loops, it's the final cycle - it's already been four months. I still feel slightly depressed and restless.

[Have at ye]

I have elected to stay on OGSF for some more time with loops increased to 8 as I've noticed I'm still a fraidy-cat and nervous around people. Dreams indicate that OGSF is working (had a very vivid one regarding my ex and my fear of being guilted and shamed by her tonight as I was listening).

Got some feedback on a translation job I've been working my ass of recently and it's not good. Oh well! Gonna have to make it up during review. I'm sooooo sick and tired of translation.

Had a meeting today regarding some job offers I could be potentially interested in. The municipality is also hiring extensively and that could be something worth looking into.

[Have at ye]

Okay, I finished this week of 8 loops of OGSF and now it's time to try DMSI 3.5 again. I felt pretty chillaxed on those 8 loops - next runaround of OGSF I'm going to start from that number.

I felt the pressures of life bearing down on me, probably fear-based, but they started gradually going away as I listened to OGSF. Now I'm mopping up (in a deliberate manner) the fixes from that trashlation job and continuing in my job-search. Applied to some positions which are hopeful but attainable.