OGSF 5.9G adventures and random musings

[Have at ye]

Had a dream after which I teared up yesterday. It was a very simple dream about simple things I always wanted to have in my life but don't. Add to that many dreams in which I am coping with how difficult life has been for me. Interesting.

Otherwise feeling kinda okay but a little bit on the lazy side, just want to walk around and think about things, have to force myself to work for instance.

That giving up on subliminals thing was temporary. I have gone down the rabbit hole of various esoteric practices and suchlike a little bit too much in an effort to try to turn my life around and this had a bad effect on my mental health. I am also kinda ashamed that I've gone so far down this rabbit hole. I had too much free time on my hands and went a little bit bonkers with it. Currently only sticking to subs, trying to exercise some patience.

Fear seems to be being reduced, we'll see how it goes.

[Have at ye]

Feeling a little bit depressive lately, hard to find motivation for anything, though still working when I have something to do. I did notice in my social interactions, though, that I'm a bit less wary of what people are going to think of me which has always been a hard thing for me to do, letting go of other's judgement.

[Have at ye]

Still have trouble finding motivation for anything, but OGSF feels like it's doing its thing, I feel less fear/tension when interacting with people/leaving my apartment. Apart from that, life is kinda crappy and boring at the moment.

[Shannon]

Digging a mine isn't very interesting until you get to the ore you're after.

[Have at ye]

Still digging. Currently on my days off, having interesting dreams. I'm torn between boredom and staying in stasis as it keeps me feeling safe from things I'm afraid of (noteably - failure).

Otherwise not much happening, I do have two sample translations to do and hopefully get more clients afterward; I could really use them to make more monies and feel better about myself. Finished that huge translation project I've been working on since December (I did procrastiane in the final stretch, but it was also due to big projects like these causing burnout).

[Have at ye]

Increased the number of loops to 5 yesterday. Slept a whole lot longer after with dreams included. Took up physical exercise today yet again, going to try to make it something regular. My first singing teacher is still showing interest in me, professionaly - kudos to him! Gave me a little bit of motivation to return to singing practice (yet again).

[Have at ye]

Currently on break days. Feeling a little bit better, had a spree of "I'm a loser" thoughts recently but these seem to be lessened when I'm on my off days. Dreams continuing unabated, some interesting developments in them. Still waiting on news from that choir job but keeping tabs on other job opportunities as well, saw a couple interesting ones recently and will apply to them if this choir thing does not bring fruit within the month.

Did not get to join that band I was auditioning for because they decided I'm a little bit too operatic for their tastes, but I'm still on the lookout in this regard as well. Returned to singing practice yesterday - I should maintain better consistency in it because every time it feels like I have to start from the beginning. Though it is hard to find motivation sometimes, seeing as my singing career is currently on hold with few prospects in sight.

Psychotheraphy is going pretty well, though. I picked the right person for the job apparently. Very insightful and helpful (hence I have less of a need to journal here in detail).

Going to be doing 5 loops, 4 days on, 3 days off henceforth. Planning to stick it through the full 4 months, maybe do one more run afterward (but after a break to try another program - which will it be is still up in the air; I'm mostly tempted to return to DMSI because I'm lonely and it got female attention, but UMSv2 is also an option and I'd like to make more money as well).

[Have at ye]

Currently feeling a little bit better, taking some action professionally to land a job/more clients. I'll have to deal with rejection while doing so which is hard. The program seems to be working on traumatic events from the past, I can feel it especially when I'm about to wake up from sleep (sometimes followed with some anxiety for an hour or two after). My outlook is slowly becoming more optimistic. Otherwise things are kinda slow.

[Have at ye]

Things still kinda slow, continuing with my job search. The chorus job is on hold - I called the guy who's responsible for it and he said he's still waiting for the okay of his higher-ups and it's not going to happen within the next month, oh well! I do have some singing jobs on my radar, though - practicing is going pretty well apart from certain frustrations when it's not going as well as I'd like, but that's normal. At least I'm back to regular practice now.

I still get the occasional feeling of tension/slight anxiety. The program seems to be working on my fears, can't wait to test out another program after to see the difference in effectiveness.

[Have at ye]

Things still slow, had some intense dreams and some feeling of hopelessness/giving up vibes. Currently pretty much doing what I can to try to find a job/more work, but it's not panning out for now. Visiting my parents for the Easter break. At least I have some company now. Been practicing singing a little and it makes me feel better.

I do have a fear-based blockage I've encountered and it's related to this potential audition I could sign up to (abroad) but I'm struggling with basic fears: of how badly I'll make an ass out of myself, and the fear of failure (another one). We'll see how this goes, I still have some time to send my application (which I'd have to prepare in a foreign language, but I already took some steps to make sure it looks good. Apart from that I'm also experiencing frustration that this piece I'd have to perform at the audition is not up to snuff (or rather it's not going as well as I would like it to).

My life is kinda crappy and there are few signs of my situation changing in the nearest future. My mum says I could maybe go back to school to study psychology, which is not a bad idea, but it'd involve 3-5 more years of schooling which I'd rather avoid, although the subject has alaways interested me and psychologists are in demand where I'm from (there are too few to meet the demand), so it would be a basis for getting solid work in a socially beneficial subject. I'll have to think on it some more.

[Have at ye]

I've been putting some effort towards finding work/translation gigs and I'm getting very little return on the time investment. Got one response today, hopefully my rates are not too high for this customer. I'm wondering what could help with that - maybe UMS, maybe USLMax?

Been having dreams recently, pretty pleasant ones, some sex-related, they're like a continuum. I've been, as they say, no-fapping for almost a year now and I don't see too much of a difference in my libido (which is low) or other things as of yet. Don't even feel the urge to masturbate. I'm interesting to see what would happen if I no-fapped while running f. in. DMSI.

Still experiencing fear-based blockages when it comes to certain things, f. in. looking for work as a singer. I'm considering increasing the number of loops to 6 as I have had the urge to do so for a couple of days now, so I'll do it next cycle (come Monday). Still can't get over the fact I've messed up my singing career due to psychosis-induced paranoia, oh well. Not something I could control, took me unawares as these things do.

[Have at ye]

Increased the number of loops to 6 and will stick to that number from now on. Had some extremely pleasant dreams recently, hopefully that's a sign the program is working (the dreams were related to things I would like to have but do not).

Had a translation test today, hopefully I'll pass (could really use a win here as well as the money). It was tricky but I'm pretty chill about it otherwise. Found an audition lead for chorus work abroad that I'm interested in participating in, will definitely send my resume over. Will have to settle on some repertoire for the audition; I'm feeling frustrated at times that my singing is not up to snuff yet, but also a little bit lazy when it comes to working on it (in a "why bother?" way).

I'm worried about my libido which has been pretty low since that psychotic episode I had and stopping DMSI. I also find myself worrying that should I chance on a woman who'd be willing to have sex with me, my ED would act up (although I do feel more open to working on this issue, talking about it with my therapist and the like, as if a little bit of shame around it got removed). I actually purchased a dietary supplement today that's supposed to help with that, we'll see how it works. Also planning to go on a diet as I've been overeating over the Easter holidays (but that's par for the course whenever I visit my parents). Otherwise feeling stable but a little down, lonely and sometimes nervous, although I did find myself smiling to my thoughts today on several occasions.

[Have at ye]

Everything seems to be pointing toward the fact I did not pass the translation test. I do feel like a loser - it was a good opportunity. But these tests are always a little bit of a lottery: I pass some, fail some; unfortunately lately I've been passing translation tests that do not bring about much work or money after. Oh well. Back to the drawing board!

Found a notice today that there's another one of these programs that help people with disabilities find work, so I applied to it. Mayhap they'll be more effective than my current one, as apart from fixing up my CV and coaching they've not been of much help to date. There's also one museum guard job lead I have that's interesting - since I'm spending most of my days walking around in circles, I might as well be paid to do so, haha. But I'm still waffling on it, thinking that maybe other opportunities will show up eventually.

Had a little party on Saturday, had two women I find attractive there, one of whom was a DMSI responder back when I was running that. Managed to get short conversations going with both, but not much else. I miss DMSI. I'm still a little bit withdrawn, people noticed. On that front, I've decided to try pheromones since I'm not running it - but I messed up and purchased a medicore product (that'll show me to not check reviews first!). But I'll try a different one with better reviews as I miss company and it won't hurt to try.

Singing's been going a little bit better, I'm getting back on track with technique. Still experiencing some frustration after I practice, though.

[Have at ye]

Darn it, it turns out I cannot participate in that program for people with disabilities because I'm already in another one. Too bad, what they offered seemed very good, better than what I'm getting now, but I cannot wiggle out of it. Oh, well. I'll remember the existence of this program and if I'm still looking for work next year (hopefully I'll find something by then, though!) I'll remember it and go for it.

Have some leads on translation jobs, maybe something will finally pan out. Have one test to do on the morrow.

The pheromones I got are kinda crappy, I think. The only apparent result is that I feel a little bit more self-confident, otherwise nothing worth mentioning. I ordered a different product with way better reviews, gonna try that.

I've been waffling in recent days on starting dieting in the intermittent fasting mode, so I guess it's high time to get on it finally. Starting today.

Been doing 6 loops of OGSF, moderately low volume from my laptop speakers. Still having numerous dreams, some of them related to women, some to performing. I notice that I get slightly turned on when sleeping though not to the point of a full erection which worries me (I've been worrying about my erection a lot lately, lol).