"I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly" - Maverick Journal 2023

[Johannesbrst]

Day 192,

Looking back, I'm realizing that I have unconsciously been pushing the gas pedal on my habits for guitar, Jiu Jitsu, and fitness. More charisma and people-person skills.
My internal ‘give a shit’ meter is super low, but I’ve been behaving like someone who cares to achieve something.
And yet, I'm not exactly pursuing the 'out there' stuff I figured that I would be mentally liberated enough to pursue.

It feels as though my consideration of other people's input for my life path is minimized; it might simply be unconscious (beyond my knowledge) at this point.
So, I get to choose my life path, but what awaits at the end of the tunnel?

By analogy, imagine you are a baby calf, and all you know is that you're in a cage too small for your own good. The whole point is that you will be slaughtered and rendered into tender veal meat for $10 a pound.

However, someone comes to rescue me; my cage is loosened over time, and now the cage door is open. All I have to do is step through to enjoy freedom. But, I'm so unpracticed at the skill of walking (my own path) that it will take a lot of extra work and effort to rebuild those mental muscles and to go where I please. If you have weak legs, it's not enjoyable to move, let alone pivot at a moment's notice.

So supposing that I'm "free" now, in an huge open field, what is so great about this point of the field over any other point? After all, I'll still need to deal with hunger, thirst, predators, cold, comfort. The game has become much more complex, and all of those issues were being addressed in my tiny cage; I'm trading the certainty of that for more navigability, and with a deficiency in creativity on how to make the most of this navigability.

As a real world example, I currently like Jiu Jitsu enough to attend 5-6 times per week and to subject myself to discomfort, even if it's 20 minutes at a time. Other people like it far more and will do two-a-days for 5-7 days per week. They have their hands in all of the competitions and want to reach an elite level.
I do it to be as dangerous as possible, and to leave no doubt that I could maul a bad man on the street if it ever came to that (and I hope it never does).

What are you left with when you win BJJ titles? Glory? Name recognition? Fame? Even as a BJJ hobbyist, I'm given a torrent of big names in the sport, which I forget about within 10 seconds of hearing them. At least the accolades will attract hotter women - I buy that argument, for sure - but some of these guys have wives that I wouldn't touch with a glove.

Even Mike Tyson says that his championship belts are "garbage": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgcHBcQR...hannel=CBS
His accomplishments are tied in with so much mental baggage - I'm sure that Mike would agree on that. And he probably believed that the wins would strike down the feelings of inadequacy that his childhood instilled in him. At the same time, he has touched a lot of money and a lot of pussy because of it. He has since worked on his inner peace and stillness, which is a plus.

Everything fades over time, yet some things shined brightly while it lasted. Is that worth it? That's my dilemma for today. At this moment, I'd say that it is.

Perhaps key is to focus on what you want to achieve to prove it's possible for yourself rather than other people.

[thectexperience1]

Perhaps part of your cage is this internet-based masculinist self-help discourse? Challenge yourself, get fit, do martial arts...these could be seen as worthwhile tools to enhance your (sense of) personal agency rather than goals in and of themselves. Enjoy being outside the cage, and in that enjoyment over time you find your values, and your goals arise on their own from those values.

[Ampersnd]

Day 193,

Feel like I "saw through the matrix" earlier today.
Watched this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxBSyx85...=UsherVEVO

It's a music video of Usher. What stood out is that it came out 19 years ago, and yet a lot of the cultural signifiers for 'coolness' are downright awkward.
In fact, a lot of the things that are supposed to be impressive are merely okay (Lil' Jon: "O-KAYYY!!").

Usher's voice doesn't sit that great in the mix, so it sounds a bit anemic or whiny. At times it's pitchy.
His dance moves are technically difficult but doesn't hit me with much emotion if I look at it critically.
He has a jean jacket with etched-in dragons (... dragons?) and a silly bucket hat.
A lot of the acting seems rehearsed and forced.
In fact, if you really look, would Usher really be all that much of a sex symbol if we grafted him then and plopped him in today? Skinny and pencil-necked.
There are moments when you can tell that Ludacris feels awkward doing certain moves.
I would feel downright silly if I did a chant like Lil' John, but people follow his calls and enjoy it.

But if you "squint" (listen and watch uncritically), you get an enjoyable product. You're not really supposed to pick this thing apart.
And despite all of these pedantic critiques, Usher and Ludacris are huge stars and people love much of what they do.
A lot of imperfections, but that makes it human. Behind the gloss, it is humans doing human stuff on recording devices for other humans.

Funny enough, listening to it a second time, I'm back to being struck by the valence, by its affective punch. So I figured that I would write this down while I had the insight.

[Ampersnd]

Day 194,

Lesson of the day: Pebble in the shoe.
I am two weeks into a build-your-own-business guided course. The coaches are pretty great. We're working on selecting your niche. On the call that happened today, I was up to bat and discussing with the lead coach, and I noticed that my niches were B2C, while the other participants were giving B2B.
The coach proposed that B2B makes it easier and faster to get to the money.
I responded by bringing up an unconscious inner objection to that because I view businesses and corporations as these hyperprofessional titans that will scrutinize me and pick me apart.

Before any of the coaches can respond, one of the participants - not a coach - chimes in and 'informs' me that I'm letting fear run my decisions... the fuck?
I was basically saying that: "Hey look; seeing as we're on the topic of my foot, I'm noticing that I probably have a pebble in my shoe. Let's examine that and maybe do something about it?"
His response was the equivalent of saying: "It doesn't matter how big or how sharp that rock is; acknowledging the rock is the problem," as though it would be better if I didn't make that discovery about myself.

The coach helped make more sense of it; she did a good job at humanizing businesses as being comprised as people. I brought up another concern about the pressures of delivery, and the potential contractual obligations, and she put those to rest.
Some people are not cut out for coaching, but they still carry their 'coaching knife'.

[Ampersnd]

Day 196,

It's funny how our inner exploration and self-discovery is largely possible due to other major issues being handled.
Was exploring a very subtle energetic exercise and made decent progress the other day. Now, I have a minor injury and need to call around to get checked out; all thought of solving my inner problems are on the backburner.

The average person has a lot of over-laying issues and has a revolving door of fires to put out; they might not consider how matters of worth, confidence, self-love, and shame/guilt/fear color all aspects of their life. Unless they do; who am I to say?

[Ampersnd]

Day 200,

I've entered a (minimum) two week break. Following some advice, I'm trying a self-imposed modality (no external sounds or audio) that can help remove some general resistance.

Feeling like I'm not long for Maverick. I'm 80:20 on Money Magnet over OGSF. MM is external, while I've spent lots of time on inner transformation; nearly 7 months on Maverick and 6 months on OF (more internally-based changes), with about a month of X4A-1000 in the middle.

Feeling like I need to build an externally-driven motivation for money; I don't do side hustles, I don't look for money, I'm not looking to advance in my career by looking for new jobs. Am two weeks into a business course, and I feel myself fighting at every step.

Thinking that Maverick tore out some of the programming that kept me on a self-improvement treadmill for the wrong reasons. My "give a shit" meter is very low, which is a double-ended sword; there are dysfunctional parts of myself that is glad that we've stopped shooting for the stars.

[Ampersnd]

Day 202,

There's a very weird reversal of my priorities going on; I'm now feeling dread about the prospect of accomplishing my goals, and I'm avoidant of the work involved in reaching that success. It's a feeling that winning will bring on too much baggage that will drain me, and is therefore not worth it.

My inner gaze turns away from the tasks of the day, and I feel as though I'm dedicating mental effort to force my gaze back onto the task at hand. Productivity is naturally lower as a result. Meanwhile, I'm not withdrawn; I can hop on work calls and be personable, so it's not a matter of shyness or being bashful.

Literally, the runway is clear for pursuing my goals. I have the income of a job; I'm healthy; no major dramas or time/energy leeches; family is healthy. And yet my spirit animal feels like a sitting duck.

Shannon has been writing a lot about resistance from the inner child, and I'm wondering if I used to derive some perverse benefit from being glum, underachieving, or victimized by my circumstances in some way.

Still doing that modality mentioned in a previous day. It's been about one week since last listening to Maverick.

[Ampersnd]

Day 203,

I'll be leaving Maverick behind soon. I think that my complaints about my situation culminate to this:
* My actual self, me, doesn't actually want the things that I have been chasing the last few years.

I believe that the "stripping away" that I've mentioned a couple of times throughout this experience removed a lot of the external validation.
This started happening back in July, and it hasn't gone away since.
I had told myself that if only I had X issue or Y issue addressed, then the runway would be cleared to make a move on the things I want.

Low energy? I adopted a brief morning routine that works. I naturally lost interest in video games. I rarely drink. I go to bed at the same time every day. I don't go out to party.

I'm in a business course, and they're telling me what to do this week or the next. That should be enough for me to move; and that used to be enough. But my mind is simply telling me 'no' to the action steps; it won't budge, but I can force it to make a certain amount of progress. But I know that this will only go so far.

Back in April, I got myself a 'baddie' (very attractive woman) and dated her for about a month. I was willing to put in a certain amount of effort to make it work, but she didn't really put much effort back but I got what I came for. Now, I really don't see the point of putting a similar amount of effort. I don't see the "price" of dating - and its ups and downs - to be worth it, in time, energy, hopes, and money. And so, on every level of the progression when dating - approach, conversation, flirting, texting, date, date at your place - my motivation to do any of these things is just zapped. No dating apps. No real libido.

I dropped my AI coding tutoring around July as well; just didn't care to see it through. I don't put any additional effort into my self-paced coding learning anymore, where I used to have a near-endless well of inspiration.

It might be that my actual polished self has certain beliefs and limitations about money, success, achievement, sex and dating that were self-limited, but the external pressures were enough to persuade me.
I know that this is not a good long-term strategy, and so I must change course.

I'm 80% leaning towards Money Magnet, and the 20% is towards OGSF. I have my reasons for both, but I would ultimately run OGSF to root out the obstacles to my overall success, and I'd be using MM to get outer success, which I hear would also root out the obstacles to my financial success. I will for sure do both, but it's the order that I'm deciding.

[Ampersnd]

Day 204,

I had a dream where I challenged somebody very competent in my gym to a boxing match at an exhibition; because they put their hands on a female friend of mine (physical or sexual, I don't remember). This female friend exists in my dream only, and the opponent is a 50:50 mix of someone who competes in my gym, and the rest is fictional, as I assume that the real person wouldn't do that.

The theme of the dream was that I was meaningfully challenging a system that I existed within, with all of the personal exposure involved. Everyone there knew what I was doing, the person I challenged knew what I was doing and why; I knew that I was outclassed and probably wouldn't win the game, but that I could settle a score. I was vulnerable but still moving forward in the service of something important to me.

I woke up at around 4:00 AM, overheated and wired. I opened my window a little further to cool down the room and get more air; I settled down and went back to sleep, eventually oversleeping by two hours (it's a Saturday)