Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[Greenduck]

Woke up pissed off. That’s a change. I often wake up anxious and/or fearful.

[Greenduck]

Had some serious anxiety this last couple of days. Bad dreams and just overwhelming discomfort with reality, and anxiety that felt so real that it was hard just keeping up with living. Also had a breakdown crying uncontrollably. Something is happening and it’s deep.

[Greenduck]

Ok so I have a distant dream that I want to work with and produce music. I love music. It's a big part of my life, and I figured, why not give it a shot. So I downloaded some tutorials on producing music and started looking into it. However, I feel it's associated with some (a lot) anxiety. Questions are popping up like "will I ever be able to do this, shouldn't I just focus on a normal career?" "I'm wasting all my university degree" "I don't have real talent anyway". So apparently I have this critical voice inside of me.

I figure that maybe I can have a day-time job to get the money in, and work on this as a hobby, but with a clear goal in mind that it's what I really want to do, and if I just work on it enough, and give it enough attention I will figure it out.

But I also ask myself the question "is this the right way to go" and I really hate that voice. Like that "there is so much more to explore", I have trouble with dedication right now, and I figure that this voice isn't really worth listening to, better to listen to the quiet voice inside that got me to start looking into this stuff.

I think I can really enjoy working with music and be happy with it. And I think that I have a talent for it somewhere. But It's scary looking down that path for some reason. Because it's not a "standard path" and whatever I had in mind for myself in life. But going you own way is scary I guess, and starting to work with music doesn't make it impossible for me to work with other stuff I want to do, like going into business and stuff. Or it does. Maybe succeeding in music require a full commitment into it. But I don't have to do it right now, I can just start exploring it, and figuring out the other parts of my life to make money etc. at the same time.

[Greenduck]

I went out partying and dancing this weekend. At the club I could just feel my attraction to the girls, and let myself feel it and project it. Some got really interested, I noticed their attraction and they came dancing to me. It's interesting when you see things clearly and how attraction work. But it's like I don't have the confidence to make a move, I can create attraction, but the "go get it" part of me isn't in place yet. But the ability to project my attraction and real feeling towards girls are something new, I "dare to be me" if you may. I'm hoping to see more of this. And I guess that this "daring to be you" can be magnified even more with AM, like getting to your "primat self".

I have decided, even before reaching 6 months with LTU to extend my run to 12 months and the reassess.

[DavisMind91]

I went out partying and dancing this weekend. At the club I could just feel my attraction to the girls, and let myself feel it and project it. Some got really interested, I noticed their attraction and they came dancing to me. It's interesting when you see things clearly and how attraction work. But it's like I don't have the confidence to make a move, I can create attraction, but the "go get it" part of me isn't in place yet. But the ability to project my attraction and real feeling towards girls are something new, I "dare to be me" if you may. I'm hoping to see more of this. And I guess that this "daring to be you" can be magnified even more with AM, like getting to your "primat self".

I have decided, even before reaching 6 months with LTU to extend my run to 12 months and the reassess.

Are you still fearing rejection?

[Greenduck]

I went out partying and dancing this weekend. At the club I could just feel my attraction to the girls, and let myself feel it and project it. Some got really interested, I noticed their attraction and they came dancing to me. It's interesting when you see things clearly and how attraction work. But it's like I don't have the confidence to make a move, I can create attraction, but the "go get it" part of me isn't in place yet. But the ability to project my attraction and real feeling towards girls are something new, I "dare to be me" if you may. I'm hoping to see more of this. And I guess that this "daring to be you" can be magnified even more with AM, like getting to your "primat self".

I have decided, even before reaching 6 months with LTU to extend my run to 12 months and the reassess.

Are you still fearing rejection?

Yeah I think that’s it. Not enough ego strength which is also connected to the lack of “just do it”

[Greenduck]

Really feeling down after work today and just overall feeling like I want to cry but somt know how. I think something really deep is being worked upon. I feel the dissonance between who I really am and who I’m in the moment and this is painful but necessary for the healing to happen i guess.

[Greenduck]

The feeling have shifted and I feel much better, but really tired today due to hangover. Often those days when I feel really down is a sign that something deep is worked upon and I feel a greater shift afterwards.

Btw. the other week I went to a bar with some friends, and while waiting for them I was first in to the place when they opened. Just before we were leaving the bartender came to our table offered me a free drink because he had done one to many for some other party and just said that I seemed to be a cool dude and that because of I was first in on the place he wanted to give it to me.

Oh yeah and another observation. Previously when I went out and danced, it happened that I felt like people were bumping into me and I had a problem "standing my ground" quite literally. But yesterday I felt stable, grounded and not easily set out of balance by people passing by, backed up by a kind of calm aggression if you may.

[Greenduck]

I'm in some really deep pain right now. Not like painfully in away that I have known before, more like a deep emotional pain where I just want to cry without a specific reason and I have to concentrate not to. I cried to a song on the bus to work today. I just feel...grateful? sad? I'm thinking about my childhood and how it felt and how much I love my parents (lol sobbing just by writing this). I'm REALLY emotional. I think I'm feeling "myself" and it's all the surpressed emotions that are coming out. I listened to ultrasonic yesteday after a 2 week break and I guess I found that it works the best, I ran the hybrid before because it was "most powerful" as I've read, but I guess most powerful isn't what I need right now.

Just going around keeping it together is hard right now, but I'm managing. Healing is definately happening. I also feel like I'm more creative and more fluent in the things I do at work, probably due to the increased emotional connection to myself.

[Greenduck]

Had a good talk with my boss today. Felt like we were able to connect more than usual. Did some work with more ease than usual. Felt sick and had to call it after lunch. Feeling more calmer and more centered. Went to a trip with some friends during the weekend and had a good time. Started talking about a possible business idea that I'm currently researching. Some irritation towards my dad and sorrow that we can't connect as I want to be able to do. Some thoughts about my ex, but growing distance to the emotions and the life we lived before, rather than feeling like it's still happening.

[Greenduck]

Resistance today. Urge to watch porn and fap, eating sweets. Tired. Falled for the sweets and the chocolate but better that than the other. Had a nice conversation with a new acquaintance.

I think that there have been a shift. I’m oriented to starting a business with a friend, something that would feel Impossible because my anxiety before. I feel like I’m getting back to who I was before my depression for real. My mind is now able to focus on things I strive for rather than circling in anxiety.

I want to run UMS but will probably not run it until the second iteration next year, I read that Shannon will not consider updating it before he have gotten six months of data on the usage. Before that I will probably switch to LTU6 when it comes out to take part of the new technology as LTU5 have been beneficial so far and the next one will probably be even more so. And I will play it around my parents to help them as their relationship isn’t close to what I would define as nurturing, rather more arguing and full of miscommunication that I can see but they apparently are blind to because of their own lack of contact with themselves.

[SaltyMeatballs]

Resistance today. Urge to watch porn and fap, eating sweets. Tired. Falled for the sweets and the chocolate but better that than the other. Had a nice conversation with a new acquaintance.

I was in a similar situation a few days ago. I thought to myself... “this resistance is temporary and will probably pass soon, lets see how much I can handle.” I then increased my workload and forced myself to  do a HIIT sessions which was extremely difficult. Next day, resistance was zero to none. Was feeling happier than ever. My point... if you going through tough times experiment and see how hard you can push yoursef anyway. This will seperate you from the “average”. You are more likely to succeed in business with this approach. Never back down x

[Greenduck]

Resistance today. Urge to watch porn and fap, eating sweets. Tired. Falled for the sweets and the chocolate but better that than the other. Had a nice conversation with a new acquaintance.

I was in a similar situation a few days ago. I thought to myself... “this resistance is temporary and will probably pass soon, lets see how much I can handle.” I then increased my workload and forced myself to  do a HIIT sessions which was extremely difficult. Next day, resistance was zero to none. Was feeling happier than ever. My point... if you going through tough times experiment and see how hard you can push yoursef anyway. This will seperate you from the “average”. You are more likely to succeed in business with this approach. Never back down x

Thanks for the motivation man. I’m sick right now so exercise isn’t really an option but I’ve developed quite some willpower with my meditation practice and doing cold showers (and abstaining from porn and mastication for like 250 days) so it isn’t really a problem anymore but I get what you are saying.

[Greenduck]

Feeling some heavy depression today, really "deep stuff is happening"-day. My mind is grasping after reasons to stop running LTU and I take this (even if it was hard to realize it during the day) as a sign of resistance and that I'm possibly breaking through something. I noticed that I feel "closer to life around me", like more connected and more "here" not being closed off in my distant emotional tower called "my problems" but more present and able to interact with my surroundings. I also feel more able to assert myself.

Came home after long day and felt still pretty fresh but really depressed. Had dinner with my mom and dad. And as always my mom sits there being upset about a number of things and as soon as my dad and I are having a good time or my dad tells a story she gets agitated and whatnot, but you know what, today it didn't matter as much as it usually does. We had a good time and I was able to ignore her mostly. Her mood didn't concern me as much as i usually does.

I've realized that some people don't want your happiness. That isn't really in their interest, as they are too preoccupied with their own stuff and can't get their head out of their asses. So it's OK for me not to care about how they feel all the time, because it's in their own power to not get upset about everything - meaning that it's not _my_ fault that they get upset, but really their predisposition to any given situation and their reaction to it, which in most cases (when talking about my mom) is not justified. So thats that, I think I found a rational for changing the way I look at my mothers moods. I also feel like I am more and more starting to be able to grasp the fact that i don't have to cater to other people but can be "egoistic" about protecting myself when I need it (without meeting extreme anxiety in the face of doing so, so much that it haven't actually been an alternative before, I have always gone around "unprotected" and unable to shield myself of other peoples emotions - which in turn have made me to a really good people reader with ability to distinguish what other people think and feel, but it's been hard to give myself space at times)

I went to a lecture that I found interesting after work, wouldn't usually do that I guess.