Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[Greenduck]

I have a feeling like I never knew who I was. Like life have just felt like a movie, not like the real thing through my life. Like I wasted the opportunity to develop myself. Like so much of my life have been wasted. I know other members also have written about it, so it's probably the sub at work. Maybe the letting go of the past, things that are healing from my past that's now coming to surface. I stick with the feeling and let it play out, knowing that it doesn't really matter what I have missed, only what is in front of me and what I can do with my life.

I want to connect with people. Make people laugh. Have good times. Be loved. Love. Be attracted to others, become attractive myself. Experience the excitement of taking on challenges in life, challenging myself. Be present. Cry, be vulnerable, take risks - and LIVE. I feel it's coming. It's something down under that's happening and I feel that I am close to tears. I want to be me, and I want to be proud and happy about being me, and knowing what that means.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I let SO MUCH of my life pass me by, but what I got is what's in front of me, not what's behind me. So I'm practicing the SAME DAMN RIFF to Thunderkiss '65 over and over again each day until I hav it down pat, then I get the rest of the song, then Black Sunshine, then a few more White Zombie songs, then I get to Metallica. That's the plan: Slowly, but surely. One thing I've learned from this website is whatever you choose is what you get. I choose to become a musician, come hell or high water, even if I'm already pushing 30 and I'm just starting, and all I can do right now is one riff, and I can't even do that well yet. I'll get there, slowly but surely.

I think this is really just a healing process-though-thing. We don't need to go around feeling that we have wasted our lives to be able to enjoy them. But interesting that we both share the same experience. Follow your dreams man!

I just had a though before stepping into the shower, that popped up into my head in english "you can accept yourself and still strive to become better" - that stuff is really profound. I haven't even realized that I was going with that kind of belief, but when I look at it it makes sense, I don't really felt that it was OK to accept myself as I was, because then I would never "become anything". This is clearly an inherited belief from my mother that have caused me a great deal of struggle in my ability to enjoy life, so I am excited to see how it plays out.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Glad to see your continued growth!

[Shannon]

I have a feeling like I never knew who I was. Like life have just felt like a movie, not like the real thing through my life. Like I wasted the opportunity to develop myself. Like so much of my life have been wasted. I know other members also have written about it, so it's probably the sub at work. Maybe the letting go of the past, things that are healing from my past that's now coming to surface. I stick with the feeling and let it play out, knowing that it doesn't really matter what I have missed, only what is in front of me and what I can do with my life.

I want to connect with people. Make people laugh. Have good times. Be loved. Love. Be attracted to others, become attractive myself. Experience the excitement of taking on challenges in life, challenging myself. Be present. Cry, be vulnerable, take risks - and LIVE. I feel it's coming. It's something down under that's happening and I feel that I am close to tears. I want to be me, and I want to be proud and happy about being me, and knowing what that means.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I let SO MUCH of my life pass me by, but what I got is what's in front of me, not what's behind me. So I'm practicing the SAME DAMN RIFF to Thunderkiss '65 over and over again each day until I hav it down pat, then I get the rest of the song, then Black Sunshine, then a few more White Zombie songs, then I get to Metallica. That's the plan: Slowly, but surely. One thing I've learned from this website is whatever you choose is what you get. I choose to become a musician, come hell or high water, even if I'm already pushing 30 and I'm just starting, and all I can do right now is one riff, and I can't even do that well yet. I'll get there, slowly but surely.

I think this is really just a healing process-though-thing. We don't need to go around feeling that we have wasted our lives to be able to enjoy them. But interesting that we both share the same experience. Follow your dreams man!

I just had a though before stepping into the shower, that popped up into my head in english "you can accept yourself and still strive to become better" - that stuff is really profound. I haven't even realized that I was going with that kind of belief, but when I look at it it makes sense, I don't really felt that it was OK to accept myself as I was, because then I would never "become anything". This is clearly an inherited belief from my mother that have caused me a great deal of struggle in my ability to enjoy life, so I am excited to see how it plays out.

That is one of the most important realizations I have ever found.  I discovered it for the first time while I was researching how to get people to respond to the weight loss subliminal by achieving their goal weight.  One of the issues I found was that people either refused to accept themselves and punished themselves for being overweight - which led to them becoming more overweight - or they would try to "accept themselves as they are" and use that as an excuse to just do whatever they wanted, and never lose any weight.  It is so profound that it deserves to be repeated:

You can accept yourself and still strive to become better.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I have a feeling like I never knew who I was. Like life have just felt like a movie, not like the real thing through my life. Like I wasted the opportunity to develop myself. Like so much of my life have been wasted. I know other members also have written about it, so it's probably the sub at work. Maybe the letting go of the past, things that are healing from my past that's now coming to surface. I stick with the feeling and let it play out, knowing that it doesn't really matter what I have missed, only what is in front of me and what I can do with my life.

I want to connect with people. Make people laugh. Have good times. Be loved. Love. Be attracted to others, become attractive myself. Experience the excitement of taking on challenges in life, challenging myself. Be present. Cry, be vulnerable, take risks - and LIVE. I feel it's coming. It's something down under that's happening and I feel that I am close to tears. I want to be me, and I want to be proud and happy about being me, and knowing what that means.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I let SO MUCH of my life pass me by, but what I got is what's in front of me, not what's behind me. So I'm practicing the SAME DAMN RIFF to Thunderkiss '65 over and over again each day until I hav it down pat, then I get the rest of the song, then Black Sunshine, then a few more White Zombie songs, then I get to Metallica. That's the plan: Slowly, but surely. One thing I've learned from this website is whatever you choose is what you get. I choose to become a musician, come hell or high water, even if I'm already pushing 30 and I'm just starting, and all I can do right now is one riff, and I can't even do that well yet. I'll get there, slowly but surely.

I think this is really just a healing process-though-thing. We don't need to go around feeling that we have wasted our lives to be able to enjoy them. But interesting that we both share the same experience. Follow your dreams man!

I just had a though before stepping into the shower, that popped up into my head in english "you can accept yourself and still strive to become better" - that stuff is really profound. I haven't even realized that I was going with that kind of belief, but when I look at it it makes sense, I don't really felt that it was OK to accept myself as I was, because then I would never "become anything". This is clearly an inherited belief from my mother that have caused me a great deal of struggle in my ability to enjoy life, so I am excited to see how it plays out.

That is one of the most important realizations I have ever found.  I discovered it for the first time while I was researching how to get people to respond to the weight loss subliminal by achieving their goal weight.  One of the issues I found was that people either refused to accept themselves and punished themselves for being overweight - which led to them becoming more overweight - or they would try to "accept themselves as they are" and use that as an excuse to just do whatever they wanted, and never lose any weight.  It is so profound that it deserves to be repeated:

You can accept yourself and still strive to become better.

That's my current goal: accepting myself while striving to become better.

[Greenduck]

I have a feeling like I never knew who I was. Like life have just felt like a movie, not like the real thing through my life. Like I wasted the opportunity to develop myself. Like so much of my life have been wasted. I know other members also have written about it, so it's probably the sub at work. Maybe the letting go of the past, things that are healing from my past that's now coming to surface. I stick with the feeling and let it play out, knowing that it doesn't really matter what I have missed, only what is in front of me and what I can do with my life.

I want to connect with people. Make people laugh. Have good times. Be loved. Love. Be attracted to others, become attractive myself. Experience the excitement of taking on challenges in life, challenging myself. Be present. Cry, be vulnerable, take risks - and LIVE. I feel it's coming. It's something down under that's happening and I feel that I am close to tears. I want to be me, and I want to be proud and happy about being me, and knowing what that means.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I let SO MUCH of my life pass me by, but what I got is what's in front of me, not what's behind me. So I'm practicing the SAME DAMN RIFF to Thunderkiss '65 over and over again each day until I hav it down pat, then I get the rest of the song, then Black Sunshine, then a few more White Zombie songs, then I get to Metallica. That's the plan: Slowly, but surely. One thing I've learned from this website is whatever you choose is what you get. I choose to become a musician, come hell or high water, even if I'm already pushing 30 and I'm just starting, and all I can do right now is one riff, and I can't even do that well yet. I'll get there, slowly but surely.

I think this is really just a healing process-though-thing. We don't need to go around feeling that we have wasted our lives to be able to enjoy them. But interesting that we both share the same experience. Follow your dreams man!

I just had a though before stepping into the shower, that popped up into my head in english "you can accept yourself and still strive to become better" - that stuff is really profound. I haven't even realized that I was going with that kind of belief, but when I look at it it makes sense, I don't really felt that it was OK to accept myself as I was, because then I would never "become anything". This is clearly an inherited belief from my mother that have caused me a great deal of struggle in my ability to enjoy life, so I am excited to see how it plays out.

That is one of the most important realizations I have ever found.  I discovered it for the first time while I was researching how to get people to respond to the weight loss subliminal by achieving their goal weight.  One of the issues I found was that people either refused to accept themselves and punished themselves for being overweight - which led to them becoming more overweight - or they would try to "accept themselves as they are" and use that as an excuse to just do whatever they wanted, and never lose any weight.  It is so profound that it deserves to be repeated:

You can accept yourself and still strive to become better.

Interesting. Yes it was a profound insight that made me stop in my step and think “wtf - is that even possible?” .

[Greenduck]

I'm going through some sort of metamorphosis, I'm sick like a dog and I can't remember my throat hurting this bad as it has today. I'm starting to feel a separateness from other people and a self emerging, a self that have been missing during a long time. I'm feeling a deeper relaxation coming and my root chakra meditation is going deeper and deeper. I'm definitely in the process of healing, and I'm welcoming it fully even if I feel like shit.

And yesterday night was probably the biggest trial I have experienced on my no-fap journey, being sick, not able to sleep, feeling like shit due to some healing going on. I can honestly say that it was hard controlling the impulse, and I'm proud of not falling for the temptation today.

Interesting with the new money-subliminal. I'm intrigued to give it a try when I am finished with LTU and feel fully satisfied with where it have taken me. Also hopes up for the possibility that LTU will get updates with FRM, USLM 4.1 and the new magnus engine.

[Greenduck]

I have noticed something. Some people spend time with others just to kill off their own anxiety because they can't spend time alone. And some spend time with others just to talk about themselves. Those people will do anything just to be around other people, and are rarely your real friends. People who can spend time alone will enjoy _your_ company when being around you and this is the kind of friend you should be, and should have.

[Greenduck]

I’ve had at least 2 dreams in the latest weeks where i met a girl I fell in love with and woke up with the feeling of love still there. I haven’t felt that in maybe ten years! I haven’t realized how much I have been missing having love in my life, I think i scratched it out as a possibility to be honest.

I have decided not to engage with my mother and a subliminal until I’m in a place where she can affect me anymore. Right now my focus is on gaining “emotional independence” if you may. Until that is in its place no ones emotional state will be my responsibility (to reasonable extent of course) but my own.

EDIT:
I sat here feeling bad for not making my mother feeling good (lol when I write it out it sounds ridiculous) and I googled some and found what I needed

How Feeling Responsible for Other’s Emotions Sabotages You and How Not To
Do you ever struggle with feeling responsible for how someone else feels about you or some situation in their life?

If you have, you know the struggle of figuring out how to help them, if you even should help, and fear of guilt or feeling selfish if you don’t help, and the weight of taking on their emotions.

All of these responses come from your Root System.

The way to think about Root System is that you are the sum of what’s happened in your past and the influence you’ve allowed in.

We go super deep into this in 1-on-1 Next-Level Life events to help you understand how and why you respond and make the choices you make.

What I see a ton of with people who struggle with feeling responsible for other’s emotions is they come in struggling with depression, anxiety, guilt, or overwhelm, or all of these.

And time and time again, I discover they grew up with a parent who trained them to feel responsible for the parent’s emotions.

And the parent does that because of what’s in their Root System, most likely from their parents.

The training shows up in comments like “You make me feel like…” and others.

This isn’t truth; it’s control. And it comes from toxic parts of that person’s Root System.

As children, we get nearly all of our self-worth from our parents, which compounds their influence on us.

Until we’re taught about Root System, we (especially as children) don’t stop and think, “Why is my parent influencing me to feel responsible for them? Why are they guilting me? Oh yeah! It’s because they have a Root System! Ah ha! Well, I won’t allow them to impact me this way now.”

next-level life, create a plan for your life

That kind of thinking simply doesn’t exist, so we allow the influence in, and it shapes the way we think and respond to other people in our life years down the road.

This can lead to anxiety and depression that’s paralyzing. The truth is you are not responsible for other’s emotions.

Here are 5 steps to stop feeling responsible for other’s emotions.
1. Stop seeking self-worth from people

Part of feeling responsible for other’s emotions is seeking self-worth from people. If you weren’t getting any self-worth from them, you wouldn’t be negatively impacted by guilt, feeling selfish if you don’t help, or their attempt to control you.

Imagine being in a place emotionally where their attempt to control or guilt you had no effect?

Where your self-worth comes from is key to getting to that place. My vote is always to get your self-worth from God. He’s the only worth-well that’s constantly full.

2. Learn to recognize toxic behavior

When you’re able to see someone’s attempt to control or guilt you, you can work to not allow it impact you.

3. Put a healthy boundary in place

Healthy boundaries are boundaries another person can’t crash over. The goal of a healthy boundary is to protect you from toxicity.

This step is usually the hardest to put in place because you have to, as we say, “go against your Root System”, and overcome your training to fear conflict, feel guilty or selfish, or feel like you’re hurting the other person by putting a healthy boundary in place.

But it’s an essential step.

4. Stop trying to help them

This usually shows up in giving them advice and “fixes”. You may have noticed your well-intentioned advice isn’t taken, and the actions you take to help them are never enough.

And you’re left feeling confused, frustrated, and feeling horrible about yourself.

That’s because the person who struggles with control doesn’t truly want your advice or help, or for you to solve their problem.

Instead, part of your healthy boundary is to listen, ask questions, and not offer advice. If they want to change or solve it, let them own that and do the work.

5. Remember your emotional health matters, too

It’s easy in relationships, especially with people who influence you to feel responsible for their emotions, to prioritize their well-being above your own.

When you factor in everything you’ve read above, I hope you see that’s an endless self-sabotaging cycle, and you will end up worse off.

source
https://chrislocurto.com/how-feeling-res...ow-not-to/

[Greenduck]

I really like the sound of how people are describing UMS. It will be interesting to see the development in the next couple of months. It feels like my typ of sub, so I am putting it on the next-one-up list after LTU, even though I would be excited to run DMSI getting my finances in check is the most mature thing to focus on right now and the one thing I will know I will thank myself for doing later along the line (delayed gratification in LTU - check)

I have set a target of running LTU for 6 months and I'm a bit over 50 % to that. So far the sub har exceeded my expectations and I am in a place I couldn't imagine being in emotionally 3 months ago, it feels like a life-time ago. Without getting ahead of myself I think that these coming 3 months will carry at least as much improvement, where also some external results will be more apparent.

I will do a re-evaluation at the 6 month mark, but I already now think that I will extend the run to either 9 or 12 months depending on how much more there is to work on where I believe the sub is the best choice in course of action. Right now it's on the spot for what I need, but as I said I will be doing evaluations on the milestones to see what course of action to take.

AM7 will be a definitive step further along the road, as it's somewhat the pinnacle of self improvement for men and I always wanted to feel like a man and find my masculinity. But first I need to get my general mental and emotional health in place, start being able to enjoy life, have a direction and momentum in life, + many other things I can't really conceptualize right now but that I know that I want in place before I'm done with LTU. Time will tell!

[SaltyMeatballs]

I strongly recommend you stick to LTU for atleast a year if not more. Your progress has been quite incredible so far and only more great things will follow. Play around with the number of loops, on/off days, type of format etc to get the maximum juice out of it. Needless to say however, do what you feel is best for yourself. Again, awesome progress dude, I enjoy reading your journals. Keep up the good work!!

[Greenduck]

I strongly recommend you stick to LTU for atleast a year if not more. Your progress has been quite incredible so far and only more great things will follow. Play around with the number of loops, on/off days, type of format etc to get the maximum juice out of it. Needless to say however, do what you feel is best for yourself. Again, awesome progress dude, I enjoy reading your journals. Keep up the good work!!

Yes I have the feeling of that as well and think I will stay on it for at least 12 month already, but will still do the evaluations before that. I’m running it in hybrid now on the recommended loops and breaks as I don’t feel that’s I can evaluate the effectiveness enough to go against the recommendations and so far I’m not disappointed happy to hear that you are enjoying my entries and thank you! Will do

[Greenduck]

I feel that something deep is changing inside of me. Like I have gone around in my life previously trying to make people laugh, feel good, etc. That is fading. Or not the desire to make other people happy, but the need to make other people like me. It's like I'm learning just to be myself, and not depending on needing other people's acceptance. Like - I'm myself, and if they want to like me, well fine by me, but if not, well that's on you. I guess it got something to do with guilt, because previously I would have felt guilty if other people didn't like me, because they would project that "it's your fault that I'm not happy" and I would immediately internalized that guilt. When I work on getting rid of my internal guilt, there is less place for the "internalized guilt" to get a foodhold on, and thus become less effective. That's at least my theory.

I'm reaching a deeper relaxation, like I can lay in bed in the morning and just breathe and feel how tensions release in by body and I'm getting closer and closer go getting "grounded" i.e. being in contact with my body physically. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, but when you loose your connection to your body as I have been experiencing for the latest 3 years, you loose your litteral foothold on life on earth. You loose your connection to the general and fundamental feeling of safety and security and you are sprung loose into the ether of the world with no place of getting back on your feet, how much you try, you just can't find that place again. It's a horrendous feeling and I wouldn't wish it for my worst enemy. So you can understand when I say it's a big thing to start feeling safe again. I'm still not really comfortable around other people even though it's getting there, and I'm more comfortable when alone (I think being in this unsettling non-safety state make you more sensitive to other people, and thus creating a barrier to yourself feeling safe around others). I enjoy spending time alone, meditating and in nature and I think it's because those things help me get back to this safe place inside (i.e. connecting to my body) and releasing the fear that ultimately is the blockage between me feeling safe and where I am right now.

My mind is getting more like itself and I'm thinking about solutions to everyday-problems and getting this "inventive spirit" back which I had before falling into depression.

[Greenduck]

Hi guys. So I’ve been banned for a month for first going around giving advice to people that I shouldn’t have done because I didn’t really know their situation, but was just trying to apply things that I did and I guess wanting them to do to confirm that I was going down the right path. That wasn’t really responsible. The ban was done with solid reasons and during this month I have had time to reflect on myself and writing a private journal, which have made me good to be honest. Real time to sit down with yourself and write out your thoughts, other than wiring out to other people. It gives another dimension, even though I must admit that I missed being on the forum and interacting with other members.

The month have had some progress. I have been healing emotionally, i met with an old ex gf who I have been started hanging out with and enjoy doing so. I have confide to her emotionally and actually had a real emotional breakdown to her about all the stuff I have been going through.

I’m more self sustaining emotionally. I have accepted that non of my parents are good for any emotional support, they are contrary draining to me. I have been their emotionally support for as long as I can remember and I’m starting to be able to break out of that which will wise some turbulence in the household I predict. I thus no longer turn to them for emotional support, which have turned out to be the best course of action for my own emotional health.

However it wasn’t really an option before due to how damaged I was, but as I’m getting more emotionally healthy the need for others peoples support have declined. I however know that I need people around me to some extent and know there are friends who have my back and love me, and I’m more and more turned to those for emotional support

I’m running LTU 2 days on and 2 days off. It feels like a good ratio right now. Anyway - feels good to be back.

[Shannon]

Welcome back.