Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[SaltyMeatballs]

Good to hear your still making progress. I do sense a slight plateau with 171 days into LTU. But I still feel that there is more to be manifested.

[Greenduck]

Welcome back.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Good to hear your still making progress. I do sense a slight plateau with 171 days into LTU. But I still feel that there is more to be manifested.

I don't know about you. But I took a 1 month break after my 3 months and I really think I made some progress thanks to that. And got to the realization that I would scale back the runs to 2+2 instead of 4+2.

Progress is slow, but it's happening. I feel that the stuff I do beside the subliminals such as going out for runs, meditating, cold showers, and practicing on deep breathing are all helping out in moving me forward.

[Greenduck]

Ok one observation that things have changed. I was leaving the house and meeting some friends and said goodbye to my mom. She then tries to give me guilt by saying “oh you live so good life meeting friends going out for dinner etc etc” and playing her victim role in full force. I Didn’t respond to it but just picked up whatever I needed and said goodbye. And left. I almost didn’t even felt disturbed. Win.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Awesome my man!

[Greenduck]

Don’t know if it’s sub related but I’ve noticed more gray hairs lately. Seen others report on that so thought I would do the same if it’s related.

[Greenduck]

The manifestation of people you need to heal seem to be working. Met a GF of an old friend I had who was a real psychopath (which I realized long after) and highly abusive of people around him. We talked some about it, and she hadn’t even planned to go to the event but did anyway. Felt really good to see her.

[Greenduck]

Man I just need to get something of my chest.

I'm tired of working on myself. Tired of working toward a goal that is so close but still is out of my reach. I just want to feel grounded and safe again, not going around in this ungrounded shitty life. I feel detached, away from the world, far away, not here, without direction. I meditate every day. I exercise. I socialize. I do every f*cking single thing that is supposed to help, and have done this for years now. Things are better, much better, but they are not good, and I'm so f*cking tired of living a life which doesn't feel right and grinding everyi single f*cking day just moving an inch toward it.

[SaltyMeatballs]

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch."
-Susie Miller

[Greenduck]

"No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch."
-Susie Miller

Haha thanks man!

[mat422]

You're not alone on that one. When I get like that I use that anger as fuel to push past things more.  Also I'm not sure if you saw this, but Shannon gave it to me in my journal and I've found it helps. I'll usually read this and really feel it before I go to sleep at night. It helps with that ungrounded feeling. I think what the ungrounded feeling is, is really just being caught in between two different realities so to speak. So you have to give yourself a push or reminder to nudge you into the one you want.

    I am grateful for having all of the security I want and need in all forms and in all ways.  I am grateful for having all of the happiness I want and need, in all forms and in all ways.  I am grateful that I have it all.  I am grateful that I live the life that makes me happiest and most secure all the time.

[Greenduck]

You're not alone on that one. When I get like that I use that anger as fuel to push past things more.  Also I'm not sure if you saw this, but Shannon gave it to me in my journal and I've found it helps. I'll usually read this and really feel it before I go to sleep at night. It helps with that ungrounded feeling. I think what the ungrounded feeling is, is really just being caught in between two different realities so to speak. So you have to give yourself a push or reminder to nudge you into the one you want.

    I am grateful for having all of the security I want and need in all forms and in all ways.  I am grateful for having all of the happiness I want and need, in all forms and in all ways.  I am grateful that I have it all.  I am grateful that I live the life that makes me happiest and most secure all the time.

Thanks for sharing the quote. I liked it and it felt good reading it.

Interesting with the theory of being caught between two realities. I can relate to this somewhat. I think also that the feeling stems from being disconnected from yourself, and notes that doing a root chakra meditation often mediate the feeling and help me feeling grounded. Also sitting in nature, relaxing and breathing “with my body” (if that makes sense) helps.

[mat422]

No prob.Glad it helped a bit. I get what you're saying. Nature is a very powerful grounding energy. Taking hikes always clears up my head

[Greenduck]

My dad isn't really in the shape he was before. He is a bit..not just there. That's really sad and something I really find hard in my life. From time to time we share a laugh, and I'm happy for that, but he drinks too much and isn't really present. I guess he somewhat haven't really been previously, but now it's gotten worse with his age and his heart attack last year. Just wanted to write about it as it's something that make me feel down from time to time.

[Greenduck]

My mom left for a 3-week trip today. And man, first day and I can already feel the difference at home. So much more calm. My dad and I had dinner, just talked some and share some laughs. He feels much more relaxed. I feel more relaxed. Her presence is undoubtedly causing tension in our household. I feel like the auric shield isn't working really as I was hoping in regards to this. Hoping that it will become stronger in LTU6, maybe something can be done in combining FRM and the shield due to that I think most of the damage is done by her stressing presence which is a result of fear. @Shannon

EDIT:
I thought some about it, and I think that both my dad and I have lost contact with ourselves and what we feel. When my mother is around, everything is chaos and pain for her, and in some way we start to feel the same way and loose touch with reality and our own feelings. Now when she isn't around, I feel more clarity regarding my own sense of self, my emotions and thoughts. When she is around, I get uncomfortable, stressed and on edge, and that becomes clouded. I read somewhere about "enmeshed mother" and the description in that article was pretty on point and it made me uncomfortable just reading it.

The article: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/when-a-...t-a-child/