EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 78:

Nothing significant to report today. No healing pains so far, but then I've spent most of the day sleeping.

[Benjamin]

That post quite obviously violates rule 4, you can't pretend you're unaware of that rule after all this time.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

That post quite obviously violates rule 4, you can't pretend you're unaware of that rule after all this time.

Which post? The dream post? I was just talking about what happened in a dream, not sharing my actual opinion on the LDS church. I'll remove it though.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Something's wrong with me. All I do is sleep and watch Youtube vids, bored out of my mind. There's nothing that the prospect of doing gives me any inspiration or motivation or whatever to do. It;s like /i almost WANT to live this way, except I'm so mind numbingly bored. I'm starting to miss the days when I was a pothead. I mean, sure, I was in a bad place and I was living even worse than I am now, but at least I was high all the time. This fuckin sucks,

Turnin up the juice a little with E3. Running one more time per day. Maybe whatever's causing me to come down so hard with such a bad case of "Fuck it" will subside a little sooner.

SERIOUSLY I am SO donion rings right now with giving a fuck lately. I'm not depressed though, I don't think. I'm in an okay place, emotionally speaking, but I just don't give a fuck. Honestly, I just. Dont. Give. A fuck. Fuck it. That's how I feel. My current state can all just be summed up in 2 words: "Fuck it" Just... Fuck it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Had another dream where I was unfairly shunned by friends and family. I got belligerent in this one too, but unlike the last one, I remained nearly voiceless, even as I was yelling violent threats. It's like, I'm yelling threats to beat peoples' skulls in with a hammer if I ever see them again, but all I can muster is a whisper. I think E3 is working on some DEEPLY rooted issues regarding anger, violent rage, and a feeling of being abandoned an rejected by friends and family. I was downright murderous in my rage, yet I could barely do more than whisper my hostile threats, try as I might to yell. I was still voiceless. I wonder what this all means?

On a side note, since I'm just lying around and constantly sleeping or in a half asleep state anyway, I've decided to practice and develop my use of the Becoming Method. I'm imagining myself at a cafe in Amsterdam or Arnhem, sitting outside in the cold with all the background noise, with my ex-friend sitting across from me saying: "I'm sorry I ghosted you. Let's be friends again" and coming in to hug me with me saying "Thank you" while I'm in a hypnogogic state. This is surprisingly difficult to imagine with all my senses and emotions. Even though I'm not even using taste and smell, just touch sound and sight. The emotional part is difficult too. I've got my work cut out for me.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 80:

Doing nothing but sleeping all day. No healing pains though.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

experimenting with lucid dreams.

Some interesting things occurred. For one, I would keep screwing up a goal for the lucid dream and I would "wake up" again and start over. Another is I got a real glimpse into how I view my relationship with my mom. She's at the fridge and I say "I love you" and she ignores the comment and tells me some chores that need doing. Dad then comes in and begins chatter with her, while the TV blairs in the background. I laughed and said "Yup! I've got my understanding of this family figured out"

I kept trying to get to the front entrance of my neighborhood. My goal was to reach the front entrance from my bedroom, and then meet a representation of my perfect romantic lover, so I could get an idea as to what subconscious criteria define my perfect romantic lover. Numerous attempts. I failed in the experiment.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm beginning to think Ihhave a low key depression going on.

[PDjunkie]

Keep at it bro. nearly halfway there. all the way to 180 days. Proud of you for being consistent this long. Keep on going bro.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Keep at it bro. nearly halfway there. all the way to 180 days. Proud of you for being consistent this long. Keep on going bro.

Actually, I intend to go for 90 days and then switch to UMS. I need the money, and I'm sure plenty of shit will still get healed by the aggressive E3 in UMS, even if it IS aimed toward monetary success and not holistic healing. A LOT of shit gets in the way of my financial abundance after all. Anyway, after a year of UMS, I'll go on LTU5 fora year. 2 months of E2, 3 months of E3, 1 year of UMS's E3 and 1 year of LTU5 should REALLY clear a lot of issues.

Thank you though for the support and the encouragement!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 81:

If there's anything I've learned from lucid dreams, it's that if we could fly, we'd fly from the moment we got out of bed and just fly everywhere, all the time. We'd be like "Fuck walking!" and we would just fly at all times.

Didn't learn anything about my psyche though this time around. I kind of just rolled with whatever my dreams were throwing at me and used some lucid stuff here and there.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Except for dragging my ass outta bed to donate plasma, done nothing but sleep ALL DAY. Been sleeping for five hours straight, after a full night's sleep, after a day of sleep. All I do is sleep.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I know I'm supposed to free myself from this cycle of punishment, unforgiveness, guilt and projection by taking responsibility from here on out, but the truth is I hold a grudge. And I don't seem to want to let it go. I want hollow, petty revenge. And sleep. More sleep. I think all this sleep is only making me worse. But fuck it. That's how I feel. Fuck it. And I clearly don't love my friend anymore because I want her to suffer the way I've suffered. I think I hate her, actually, justified or not. I'm angry and I hate her.

Keep listening to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDtHij7ULBM

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Healing pain consumes me, along with every negative emotion. Like I'm being immolated by my own hurt, pain, bitterness, regret, anger, hatred and resentment. It's a raging fire, burning me alive, and I want to engulf others in the fire with me.

EDIT: Running loops of E3. Feeling A BIT better.

EDIT: Never mind. I'm still INCREDIBLY negative.