EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So after some intense inner questioning, I asked: "What do I want from this girl?!" The answer: "I want her to love me" which is indicative of a deeper struggle: the struggle to feel worthy of love" All of this stems from a place of "I'm not enough" and I don't know what to do about that.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm on an upswing now, filled with a cautious hope and optimism. I have patterns of complete despair and optimistic hope and enthusiasm. This pattern just keeps going around and around in circles. The despair is enough to make me wanna commit suicide. The optimism isn't nearly as extreme. I'm counting on these subs to do a lot, and I'm also [edited] If I could have any superpower, it'd be the power of heart from Captain Planet. SUUUPER underrated power. I'm hoping to find access to a similar kind of power [ edited] I remain hopeful that with enough personal effort and responsibility, time, subliminals from IML, the Becoming Method and [edited] , I will be able to get what I want out of life, but first I must work out what I want and why I want it and resolve any related issues within myself, which is what's kicking my ass right now. I've got to find a way to heal this situation regarding my ex friend. And I've gotta figure out just what I want on that front, why and how to deal with that. Now the above post covers the what and why, but the how is still a serious issue. Even if I used the becoming method to regain her friendship, I'd still have to get past the fact that she slammed the door in my face when I begged her for forgiveness. Is it possible to re-build a serious, deep, close, trusting and loving friendship with the history we both have? I know I can change, but can she? Maybe if I learn enough [edited], I can bring out all the inner love we both have and build such a friendship, with all the wounds of the past healed, but it still doesn't address the issues I have with NEEDING to do that and it still doesn't address the issues I have with how I was treated in the end. I HAVE to let go of that grudge inside me. I have to heal that. And maybe a part of that can be cured by taking responsibility for my past behaviour and current and future behaviour, but a piece of me still feels hurt and angry that I was refused forgiveness, and I'm not sure how to get past that. That is my current block.

@Shannon and @Benjamin if my mention of [edited] violates rule 4, I will gladly remove this post, so please tell me if it does. I mean no disrespect to your rules and I apologize for breaking that one in the past.

[Benjamin]

Yeah occult type stuff generally is under rule 4.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I've replaced all mention of it with [edited] Does that work or do I need to remove the whole post?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 85:

A lot of low key emotional pain and turmoil. Until I resolve these issues around this girl, I will suffer.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Donovan Sharpe REALLY just gave me the right kick in the ass I needed, by breaking down the desire to be loved unconditionally for the weak ass bullshit that it is.

Check it out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ehrZij42CU

He's right. Unconditional love is reserved only for family and pets. People don't love each other unconditionally. They just don't. Let's be real: NOBODY BUT YOUR FAMILY AND PETS LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY and vice versa.

If you want to be loved and respected, you have to take responsibility for earning it and keeping it, because both are ABSOLUTELY conditional.

I've been angry for quite some time, because I didn't want to take responsibility for not having properly earned the love and respect I've wanted. And this "unconditional love" BS only gives unrealistic expectations. My spiritual seeking has lead to much talk of unconditional love and that hasn't helped matters any.

And conditional love brings out the best in men. Those of us wanting unconditional love are just not taking responsibility for ourselves. This man speaks the truth and his brutal honesty is opening my eyes. Men looking for unconditional love are weak, and I just allowed myself to be weak because I didn't want the responsibility of being strong. And that needs to change.

Basically, f*** unconditional love.

And f*** sitting around moping about the love and respect I didn't put in the work to properly EARN.

I have GOT to get off of my ass. I have got to take responsibility.

[Greenduck]

I would like to add to this.

People love each other. They do. Love is wired inside of us and we like other human beings because it’s historically been useful in survival. We are are species who enjoy being with each other. But to expect to be loved is to be needy, and trying to fill a hole inside yourself with what you should find within. And this will never end good. And you will not be able to love others truly when you have a hole within and when you can’t love you can’t receive love.

Respect and trust have to be earned. But love, that one you deserve already. But you need to make yourself feeing able to receive it and not craving it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I would like to add to this.

People love each other. They do. Love is wired inside of us and we like other human beings because it’s historically been useful in survival. We are are species who enjoy being with each other. But to expect to be loved is to be needy, and trying to fill a hole inside yourself with what you should find within. And this will never end good. And you will not be able to love others truly when you have a hole within and when you can’t love you can’t receive love.

Respect and trust have to be earned. But love, that one you deserve already. But you need to make yourself feeing able to receive it and not craving it.

Wise choice of words, Greenduck. I just had a new asshole torn into me at another thread when I posted this very same content, got some support from some people and basically spat back in their faces for it. And then got torn apart for it by one user.

It seems learning detachment is the key to get out of my situation, but I have a problem with detachment.

[Greenduck]

I would like to add to this.

People love each other. They do. Love is wired inside of us and we like other human beings because it’s historically been useful in survival. We are are species who enjoy being with each other. But to expect to be loved is to be needy, and trying to fill a hole inside yourself with what you should find within. And this will never end good. And you will not be able to love others truly when you have a hole within and when you can’t love you can’t receive love.

Respect and trust have to be earned. But love, that one you deserve already. But you need to make yourself feeing able to receive it and not craving it.

Wise choice of words, Greenduck. I just had a new*****torn into me at another thread when I posted this very same content, got some support from some people and basically spat back in their faces for it. And then got torn apart for it by one user.

It seems learning detachment is the key to get out of my situation, but I have a problem with detachment.

Detachment can be healthy when having your own foundation in place, but can become “to much detachment” if only done by will. So healing is the key, and I think you are on the right way of doing so.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It's funny, the chick who tore me a new one for being a whiney incel basically revealed she's a 59+ yo, post wall, marriage reject who doesn't get that she wasted her youth and all the high quality men don't want her now. And yet she "mentally vomits" at the notion of a mating market, probably because she's at the bottom of it with me, and doesn't want to face the harsh reality. Difference is, I can turn things around. I'm not on a sinking ship (or in her case, sunken ship). The whole "marrying myself" thing really comes across to me as making necessity a virtue, but there may still be some truth to it. If I had truly loved myself before, I wouldn't be in the pathetic situation I'm in now.

I really need money, and UMS has an aggressive E3 in it aimed towards that end, but it seems like E3 is currently as much as I can handle. Still, it's weird... But lately, despite having new a**holes torn into me, despite facing some harsh realities, and despite the fact that I'm likely ABOUT to hear even more harsh realities (I just emailed my online mentor about the latest thread on the other forum and that guy always keeps it real with me) I feel almost like I'm being fireforged, like steel beginning to take shape and harden. I might have lashed out in pain and anger, but I DO feel like I'm getting a thicker skin and taking rejection better and taking more responsibility for my situation. I'm not in as much pain over it right now. And I realize my friend SHOULDN'T have accepted my apologies or given me another chance, because I haven't really changed, which actually makes me feel less angry because I'm taking responsibility for it and it feels justified. I feel I'm getting closer to being able to let her go and take the L. Like I'm getting closer to being able to accept myself, despite my flaws and failures, and turn my life around into the life I want and become the man I want to become. I'm feeling optimistic in the face of it all, but I still feel like I might go on another downswing and I'm far from completely healed. I'll stick to E3 for now, but I do intend to go on UMS next so I can get up the money for (among other things) LTU5.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 87:

Just got a lot of serious truth bombs dropped on me by my online mentor. As expected, he kept it real, Seems I've got some deep seated issues regarding women due to abusive treatment from my mother, and it's affecting everything about my relationship not just to women, but to "Mother Earth" as well, which I admit is a rocky relationship. Never liked mother nature.

He also informed me that, yes, there's a wall, yes, there's a mating market, yes, all these factors and things and experiences discussed by red pilled dudes exist, but they are one aspect of reality, in which unlimited possibilities exist. To base my beliefs about the world and the people in it off of those red-pilled beliefs is to actually create incredibly LIMITING beliefs and to impose very cynical limitations upon myself.

I feel like I'm taking a lot of hard to swallow truth pills, but it's a necessity on my way to taking the ultimate pill: The WHITE pill.

I look forward to getting white pilled! It's the hardest pill to find and the hardest pill to swallow, but easily the best!

[Greenduck]

Seem to be a good mentor there. The thing with red pill theories is that they suppose all human beings are a hundred percent rational. That not the fact. People, including girls, are also highly emotional in the way they make decisions in their lives. Therefore a guy who can make a girl laugh, or just are relaxed enough to have a normal conversation and enjoy her company, is attractive to her. He doesn’t have to be super alpha with dominant body language but can just be a normal dude and still find a girl who like him and is attracted by him. Obsessing to much about stuff like that can really throw spanners in the works for yourself and take away your greatest gift, to be human with others and with girls. Much of your ability to atttract others is just to be “normal” and not overthinking the way you interact with others.

Btw - are you on nofap? That have helped me a lot.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks for the perspective. Naw I'm not on NoFap. Not interested. I know of the supposed benefits. Heres my counterargument: Let's say you land a bombshell of a woman, you got her in her bedroom or vice versa, she's naked on the bed and ready to go. Bit the damndest thing: YOU'VE been training your dick not to get aroused when you see a hot naked woman. So it doesn't go up and you're fucked. Or rather, NOT fucked cause ypu cant get it up. That's just one argument but the plain truth is: I just don't wanna go on NoFap. Maybe it'd help bit eh. Fuck it.

[Have at ye]

Day 87:

Just got a lot of serious truth bombs dropped on me by my online mentor. As expected, he kept it real, Seems I've got some deep seated issues regarding women due to abusive treatment from my mother, and it's affecting everything about my relationship not just to women, but to "Mother Earth" as well, which I admit is a rocky relationship. Never liked mother nature.

He also informed me that, yes, there's a wall, yes, there's a mating market, yes, all these factors and things and experiences discussed by red pilled dudes exist, but they are one aspect of reality, in which unlimited possibilities exist. To  base my beliefs about the world and the people in it off of those red-pilled beliefs is to actually create incredibly LIMITING beliefs and to impose very cynical limitations upon myself.

I feel like I'm taking a lot of hard to swallow truth pills, but it's a necessity on my way to taking the ultimate pill: The WHITE pill.

I look forward to getting white pilled! It's the hardest pill to find and the hardest pill to swallow, but easily the best!