EP E3 Journal

[Shannon]

You're trying to hold on to this girl and what she did. The lesson is to realize that you deserve to be treated better than that, but when you really get it, you will be able to let go of her and the situation. You seem to already realize this, but some part if you is fighting it. You need to internalize the truth that you deserve better treatment, accept that and simply allow it to be the truth that it is. That will require self esteem.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You're trying to hold on to this girl and what she did. The lesson is to realize that you deserve to be treated better than that, but when you really get it, you will be able to let go of her and the situation.  You seem to already realize this, but some part if you is fighting it. You need to internalize the truth that you deserve better treatment, accept that and simply allow it to be the truth that it is. That will require self esteem.

EDIT: So I just had a moment where, after a day of being harshly critical, my dad apologized for acting like an asshole, saying he realizes he should be better when he's in pain and wished he did better. I said "I love you" and we hugged. And I thought to myself: "This. This is what I deserve" So now that I believe that I realize Shannon's right, I DO deserve better. And I DO need to let that sink in and forgive her and love her anyway because THAT'S what we all deserve.

[Shannon]

And you need to let her go. Completely.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

@Shannon I originally was thinking of learning how to do the becoming method to restart our friendship once I sorted out my feelings on the matter. Do you think I should learn how to cut the cord between us instead?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 22:

I recognize that none of us deserve condemnation. I even forgive killers.We all deserve forgiveness, so I forgive myself.

So now what? I guess letting go of her is the next step, but that's very difficult to do.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I don't want to do it. I don't wanna let her go. And I still don't feel like I am or ever was good enough for her. And maybe that's why. My self esteem is shit. And I don't know how to change that.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 23:

Right now I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole, bury myself and sleep until I'm dead.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I feel a deep sense of rage. Rage and despair. This doesn't feel like I'm healing. It feels like I'm getting worse. I feel suicidal. I feel hateful. Resentful. Deeply hurt. I feel like lashing out at the universe. I feel like destroying myself. I feel like crying, but I also feel like going completely numb. I feel like giving up. I feel like going down a dark path. I feel misunderstood. I feel I've been wronged. I feel alone. I feel hopeless. I feel afraid. I feel abandoned. I feel like I've been badly kicked while I was down. I feel desperate. I feel like I'm drowning... again. I feel like I've regressed. I'm beginning to wonder if any of that progress was for real?

Today is not a good day. And I doubt tomorrow will be either.

Is this a problem beyond E3's scope? I dunno. Only time will tell I guess. I'm going back to sleep, if I can. I've been sleeping all day. And I feel like sleeping the rest of the day.

[Shannon]

Let go of the past.

[Greenduck]

Breathe. Sit down an breathe. Try open yourself to whatnot you are feeling. Listen to your breath. Feel your breath if you can. Feel your body. There is many good meditations on YouTube. Do one when you feel bad.

Try to make it simple. What are you feeling? Not what you feel ABOUT something or ABOUT your life, simply - what are you feeling right now? Breathe and ask yourself that question. Let it come to you. Listen. Breathe.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 24:

EDIT: Greenduck's right.

[Greenduck]

Stop that. Seriously. Feeling sorry for yourself and buhu. What’s done is done. Fix yourself. You are not beyond saving. You are not alone in the world to have felt this kind of stuff and many people have fought their way through it. Now it’s your time. Why you may ask? Well I have no idea. Maybe because you need to learn something during the process that you will have use of later in life. But that is impossible to say before you have taken yourself out of the mess you are in. “You can only connect the dots looking backwards” - famous quote by Steve Jobs. So SUCK IT UP and use the product, take advice from people here and stop ruminating about how shitty everything is. Just stop. It will not help you, trust me. Go for a walk, read a book, meditate, exercise. Rinse and repeat and soon you have stuff that are integrated into your daily routine and you can do that instead of beating yourself up or whatnot.

[Oversoul]

This too will pass, have courage.

[Greenduck]

You already are brave because you are walking down the path of betterment but you have to be cautious of falling into the pit of self loathing.