EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

You're right Greenduck. I'm sorry.

[Greenduck]

You're right Greenduck. I'm sorry.

Don’t be man. That’s what the forum is for. Pick yourself up and keep moving forward.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 25:

I'm trying to move on. I'm still ashamed of myself, and I don't know if E3 will be able to change that, but Greenduck's right that I need to pick myself up. If I'm going to live in shame, I should at least live as best I can. I do feel I deserve how I was treated. You don't know what I was like. But I shouldn't let that stop me from changing. For the last year at least, I have been trying to love myself as I am, rather than hate myself for how I was. It's hard to believe I'm worthy of forgiveness when she refuses to forgive me, but I need to do my best to forgive myself. This isn't going to change in a day, but hopefully, things will change and I'll love myself instead of hating myself. I don't know if there's anything I can do to make up for how I was, but I need to forgive myself.

[Greenduck]

You are in the right track. I understand if you don’t want to share personal information about what you believe you have done but maybe you can meet someone professional a priest or therapist to talk about it. Sometimes we make things much worse sounding in our minds and need someone else to listen to it to get the whole picture.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I have a therapist. The best we could get with the insurance we have. He's not much help TBH. I am deeply ashamed and I don't think E3 is going to be able to change that. But I'll keep using as directed and I'll slowly work to become the best version of myself that I can. This is going to pain me deeply for the rest of my life, but I've got to try to move forward as best I can. Hopefully E3 will help. I'm starting to face the reality of just what my situation is: I'll never reconcile with her (not even with the becoming method) I'll never get over it, and I'll always be ashamed of myself. I've just got to live with the shame. Maybe E3 will make that easier, I dunno. I hope so.

[Shannon]

Whatever you choose for yourself - that is what you have.

[Greenduck]

I have a therapist. The best we could get with the insurance we have. He's not much help TBH. I am deeply ashamed and I don't think E3 is going to be able to change that. But I'll keep using as directed and I'll slowly work to become the best version of myself that I can. This is going to pain me deeply for the rest of my life, but I've got to try to move forward as best I can. Hopefully E3 will help. I'm starting to face the reality of just what my situation is: I'll never reconcile with her (not even with the becoming method) I'll never get over it, and I'll always be ashamed of myself. I've just got to live with the shame. Maybe E3 will make that easier, I dunno. I hope so.

You are in a space where internal movement of emotions is still, and thus you are arguing from a standpoint that "things will always be this or that". Let me tell you that this isn't the case. You can't possibly know where you will be in 3 months or in 6 month or in 1 year. You are in a good place and I think E3 will help you in time.

How are you working with your therapist? A therapist isn't going to heal you, he is a tool for you to use. Have you talked about this deep shame with him? You need to open up for the work with him to become valuable, you can't just expect him to dig up everything in you, you need to take the first step and talk about that stuff that is bothering you, and is hard to talk about. That's the idea. You put it out there in the open to let someone else help you process it and see it from a different perspective. Let him know that it's hard to talk about and you can together investigate it. That's the healing process right there taking place.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I don't think I'm in a good place at all, but hopefully you're right and things will get better.

I've told my therapist about the friendship breakup and how I feel. Usually, nothing more than awkward silence ensues until the subject is changed.

[Greenduck]

Sure they will, man. Just keep going.

Well that actually doesn't sound like a good therapist who can't help get you to work with your emotions toward it. Can't you change therapist still in your plan maybe?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Sure they will, man. Just keep going.

Well that actually doesn't sound like a good therapist who can't help get you to work with your emotions toward it. Can't you change therapist still in your plan maybe?

This is my second therapist. The first wasn't much help either. At this point, we've gotten Vocational Rehabilitation Services to foot the rest of the bill after insurance, so, with money tight, we're reluctant to go for anyone new. These people have never been in a situation like mine and don't really have any real helpful advice to give. And pickins were slim to begin with. Fact is, this golden solution known as therapy really only works for the people lucky enough to get a good therapist, which, let's face it, must of us don't. And even if a therapist is good with one kind of client, they can be absolutely useless for another kind of client. I think if I were a juvenile delinquent in a gang, this current therapist would probably be way better equipped to handle that than he is to help me with my issues. Life is this thing where nobody really has all the answers and even 6-8 years of schooling can't really prepare you to help most peoples' problems. Academia takes a rather cold approach to the matter. I don't think most therapists are actually able to help most people. Hell, most just slap on a diagnostic label and then throw pills at the problem. A good therapist is worth more than their weight in gold, but those are few and far between and I don't think anybody I have access to qualifies. I don't even know what I should be looking for anyway. I picked this therapist, because I like the modalities he had listed on his psychology today profile. I remember my exfriend said when she was friend dumped herself, CBT worked for her, so I got a therapist who did that plus other things that looked promising. In practice however, there's much left to be desired. When my ex-friend was coldly friend dumped, she lucked out and got a really good therapist. I did not, and can't seem to find a good therapist. But everybody keeps telling me "get a therapist" like that'll solve my problems and when I tell them I have one, they say that I'm either not working with said therapist or need to get a different one. I don't think it occurs to most people that most therapists are just regular jackoffs with a degree who don't really know more than anybody else despite years of academic training, most aren't very great at their job, and most people don't have the pick of the litter when it comes to therapists. You work with what you can get and when you take cost, location, etc into account, my options are quite limited. Getting a therapist hasn't helped much. Getting another therapist hasn't helped much either. Hell, there are some therapists out there who've never had a good therapist. Therapy is one of those things that in theory, should be massively helpful to most people, but in actual practice is often unhelpful or sometimes even counterproductive.

[Greenduck]

Sure they will, man. Just keep going.

Well that actually doesn't sound like a good therapist who can't help get you to work with your emotions toward it. Can't you change therapist still in your plan maybe?

This is my second therapist. The first wasn't much help either. At this point, we've gotten Vocational Rehabilitation Services to foot the rest of the bill after insurance, so, with money tight, we're reluctant to go for anyone new. These people have never been in a situation like mine and don't really have any real helpful advice to give. And pickins were slim to begin with. Fact is, this golden solution known as therapy really only works for the people lucky enough to get a good therapist, which, let's face it, must of us don't. And even if a therapist is good with one kind of client, they can be absolutely useless for another kind of client. I think if I were a juvenile delinquent in a gang, this current therapist would probably be way better equipped to handle that than he is to help me with my issues. Life is this thing where nobody really has all the answers and even 6-8 years of schooling can't really prepare you to help most peoples' problems. Academia takes a rather cold approach to the matter. I don't think most therapists are actually able to help most people. Hell, most just slap on a diagnostic label and then throw pills at the problem. A good therapist is worth more than their weight in gold, but those are few and far between and I don't think anybody I have access to qualifies. I don't even know what I should be looking for anyway. I picked this therapist, because I like the modalities he had listed on his psychology today profile. I remember my exfriend said when she was friend dumped herself, CBT worked for her, so I got a therapist who did that plus other things that looked promising. In practice however, there's much left to be desired. When my ex-friend was coldly friend dumped, she lucked out and got a really good therapist. I did not, and can't seem to find a good therapist. But everybody keeps telling me "get a therapist" like that'll solve my problems and when I tell them I have one, they say that I'm either not working with said therapist or need to get a different one. I don't think it occurs to most people that most therapists are just regular jackoffs with a degree who don't really know more than anybody else despite years of academic training, most aren't very great at their job, and most people don't have the pick of the litter when it comes to therapists. You work with what you can get and when you take cost, location, etc into account, my options are quite limited. Getting a therapist hasn't helped much. Getting another therapist hasn't helped much either. Hell, there are some therapists out there who've never had a good therapist. Therapy is one of those things that in theory, should be massively helpful to most people, but in actual practice is often unhelpful or sometimes even counterproductive.

Yes - well written. I therapist can't solely be someone who relies on their studies and models for helping people. It have to be someone who is emotionally mature, have faced their own problems, gotten out on the other side and is ready to help others. Otherwise it's just a parrot who rambles along with whatever they have learned in school without any practical substance. Well anyway, hope you find a person (therapist or not) who can support you in what you need.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 26:

Nothing new to report. Feeling better today. Visiting relatives.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm listening to relatives and my parents talk about pets. And I wish I had been closer and more loving with my past pets. Like I am with my cats now. I had an opportunity to make those animals so much happier than they probably were. But I was too self absorbed. I still am self absorbed. I look at what I want out of life, and I want a comfortable independent and creative life with a 10/10 GF. I don't care about making a difference or helping others. I just want to feel good about myself. I honestly believe part of our purpose here is making a choice to serve ourselves or others. And I want to be "good" and choose service to others, but I look at my desires and behaviour and focus... And if I'm being honest, it's all quite selfish. I'm always disappointed with myself. There's the self I think I should be and the self I actually am and those are just 2 different people. Like I said, I just want to feel good about myself. Because I don't like nor love myself. So I have this ideal version of myself and my life in my head that I think I need in order to like/love myself. And I'm so caught up in that, I miss opportunities to help others feel better. Because I don't think about others' happiness. I only think of my own or lack thereof. I dunno where I'm going with this. What's there to take away from this realization? To focus on others more? Or to accept myself as I am in order to make room in my experience for the happiness of others? Let's be honest: do I really want to focus on others' happiness? Do I really want to sacrifice my self centeredness to be more attentive to others? If not, then why does it sadden me that I never went far enpugh out of my way to make my past pets happier? And if so, then why don't I do it? If I do all these things I feel I should do to be worthy of love, will I finally love myself? Will I finally pay more attention to others' needs and happiness? Maybe I got things backwards. Maybe if I focus on others more, I'll like myself better. So then why don't I do it? Do I actually derive any satisfaction from it? Do I derive satisfaction from anything? What do I need to do first to get everything else in order? Do I need to love myself before I can truly love others? Or do I need to love others before I can truly love myself? What do I actually WANT? Do I actually want what I think I SHOULD want? I want to love myself and others, but I don't think I truly love either. So what's the way to reaching that point? Maybe everything I think I need to do before I can love myself is completely wrong. But then what's the answer? Maybe I spend too much time thinking about this stuff. While I write this, I could be doing something with my family to try and make their lives better. Is there anything I could do to make their lives better? Would I actually derive satisfaxtion from it or just be doing it out of a sense of obligation? Fact is, I don't do too much of anything. Whatever I do, I need to be DOING more.

[Greenduck]

I'm listening to relatives and my parents talk about pets. And I wish I had been closer and more loving with my past pets. Like I am with my cats now. I had an opportunity to make those animals so much happier than they probably were. But I was too self absorbed. I still am self absorbed. I look at what I want out of life, and I want a comfortable independent and creative life with a 10/10 GF. I don't care about making a difference or helping others. I just want to feel good about myself. I honestly believe part of our purpose here is making a choice to serve ourselves or others. And I want to be "good" and choose service to others, but I look at my desires and behaviour and focus... And if I'm being honest, it's all quite selfish. I'm always disappointed with myself. There's the self I think I should be and the self I actually am and those are just 2 different people. Like I said, I just want to feel good about myself. Because I don't like nor love myself. So I have this ideal version of myself and my life in my head that I think I need in order to like/love myself. And I'm so caught up in that, I miss opportunities to help others feel better. Because I don't think about others' happiness. I only think of my own or lack thereof. I dunno where I'm going with this. What's there to take away from this realization? To focus on others more? Or to accept myself as I am in order to make room in my experience for the happiness of others? Let's be honest: do I really want to focus on others' happiness? Do I really want to sacrifice my self centeredness to be more attentive to others? If not, then why does it sadden me that I never went far enpugh out of my way to make my past pets happier? And if so, then why don't I do it? If I do all these things I feel I should do to be worthy of love, will I finally love myself? Will I finally pay more attention to others' needs and happiness? Maybe I got things backwards. Maybe if I focus on others more, I'll like myself better. So then why don't I do it? Do I actually derive any satisfaction from it? Do I derive satisfaction from anything? What do I need to do first to get everything else in order? Do I need to love myself before I can truly love others? Or do I need to love others before I can truly love myself? What do I actually WANT? Do I actually want what I think I SHOULD want? I want to love myself and others, but I don't think I truly love either. So what's the way to reaching that point? Maybe everything I think I need to do before I can love myself is completely wrong. But then what's the answer? Maybe I spend too much time thinking about this stuff. While I write this, I could be doing something with my family to try and make their lives better. Is there anything I could do to make their lives better? Would I actually derive satisfaxtion from it or just be doing it out of a sense of obligation? Fact is, I don't do too much of anything. Whatever I do, I need to be DOING more.

I notice some thinking patterns in your text here. First, you are basing a lot of your thoughts on guilt. Everything you mention about "should" is a guilt-based thought. Ask yourself if it's necessary to feel this guilt and down the line you will understand that it's only detrimental. When you are feeling guilty, you are feeling the opposite of love. Love is when you share the love that is within. If there is no love within, but guilt, you are driven by the guilt and what you do to others and think is love, is actually just stilling that voice inside and making the guilt stop. That is not love.

The way to start feeling love for yourself is to overcome your guilt. Just try to don't do anything because of what you think you should, but what you need. Feel inside what you really want and need to do. Ask for help if that is what you need. Feel that you deserve support.