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Title: EP E3 Journal
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#99
You're trying to hold on to this girl and what she did. The lesson is to realize that you deserve to be treated better than that, but when you really get it, you will be able to let go of her and the situation. You seem to already realize this, but some part if you is fighting it. You need to internalize the truth that you deserve better treatment, accept that and simply allow it to be the truth that it is. That will require self esteem.
Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator

The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
 
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(06-22-2019, 10:18 AM)Shannon Wrote: You're trying to hold on to this girl and what she did. The lesson is to realize that you deserve to be treated better than that, but when you really get it, you will be able to let go of her and the situation.  You seem to already realize this, but some part if you is fighting it. You need to internalize the truth that you deserve better treatment, accept that and simply allow it to be the truth that it is. That will require self esteem.

EDIT: So I just had a moment where, after a day of being harshly critical, my dad apologized for acting like an asshole, saying he realizes he should be better when he's in pain and wished he did better. I said "I love you" and we hugged. And I thought to myself: "This. This is what I deserve" So now that I believe that I realize Shannon's right, I DO deserve better. And I DO need to let that sink in and forgive her and love her anyway because THAT'S what we all deserve.
 
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And you need to let her go. Completely.
Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator

The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
 
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@Shannon I originally was thinking of learning how to do the becoming method to restart our friendship once I sorted out my feelings on the matter. Do you think I should learn how to cut the cord between us instead?
 
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Day 22:

I recognize that none of us deserve condemnation. I even forgive killers.We all deserve forgiveness, so I forgive myself.

So now what? I guess letting go of her is the next step, but that's very difficult to do.
 
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I don't want to do it. I don't wanna let her go. And I still don't feel like I am or ever was good enough for her. And maybe that's why. My self esteem is shit. And I don't know how to change that.
 
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Day 23:

Right now I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole, bury myself and sleep until I'm dead.
 
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I feel a deep sense of rage. Rage and despair. This doesn't feel like I'm healing. It feels like I'm getting worse. I feel suicidal. I feel hateful. Resentful. Deeply hurt. I feel like lashing out at the universe. I feel like destroying myself. I feel like crying, but I also feel like going completely numb. I feel like giving up. I feel like going down a dark path. I feel misunderstood. I feel I've been wronged. I feel alone. I feel hopeless. I feel afraid. I feel abandoned. I feel like I've been badly kicked while I was down. I feel desperate. I feel like I'm drowning... again. I feel like I've regressed. I'm beginning to wonder if any of that progress was for real?

Today is not a good day. And I doubt tomorrow will be either.

Is this a problem beyond E3's scope? I dunno. Only time will tell I guess. I'm going back to sleep, if I can. I've been sleeping all day. And I feel like sleeping the rest of the day.
 
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Let go of the past.
Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator

The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
 
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