01-28-2014, 03:56 AM
I have a feeling that one day my Relationship coach/hypno- tapping therapist/ sex coach will be on my gratitude wall as one of the most important positive influencers of my lifetime, and that’s real talk.
Anyway I went to some meditation introduction presentation thingy in East London as all the Tantra stuff either costs 1000s or is are too far inbeweet . I have Tantra events lined up in my calendar tho, even a weekend workshop in Fed I think.
So I get to the event tonight and I noticed my old thoughts patterns in play, the female presenter asked me a question and I didn’t understand or hear right and I answered with something else and after I was corrected the self-criticism started, I then attempted to tell a joke and I done it again. (no one understood what the fu*t I was talking about)
Inner Critic never Stops
Am not sure if it’s nervousness or the feeling of been rushed but I always delete, generalize and distort everything I say to the point that everything that comes out of my mouth isn’t what I thought off, and I have to pinch myself. Or maybe it’s impossible to communicate 1000s of pictures that flashed in a sec in a few sentences (I need to work on my communication skills big time) .
Anyway from then onwards I started “affirming” negative things about myself for like 35 mins or more, “I hate myself” x 60 something and some other of my personal favourites, what’s weird is that the thought seems totally automatic like listening to your voice on a recorder, I wasn’t mentally engaged with them if that makes sense .
It’s difficult to explain but I now know that my perception of reality before in the past never was what It really was, it was just that negative thing in me twisting my mind and emotions to see the events from its negative point of view.
As time went on I found inspiration from something I want to do in my life that will benefit a great many people and that helped me not accept defeat at that moment – you know like a father with 8 kids can’t afford for life to get him down and quit his job for depression. lol as funny as it sounds, yes I was going to come back and apologise to my sex coach for wasting her time and crawl back in my dark hole for a few months. I can’t believe how I lived like that in the past, like school, college, work and social events etc it’s like self-inflicted torturing.
I think she’s a genius or just really good at her calling
I have been buying time by telling myself I can get confident before I go out into the world, but I guess it doesn’t work like that. At least now I have something to work on that is recent and the more shit that comes out is the more shit I can flush.
Anyway am sure you aware that there is always one guy who knows it all, that’s mostly there to argue but got kicked out of the debate group in school. So this guy was shooting holes in the presentor’s theories and I kind of felt her losing energy but trying hard to maintain her composure as the meditations she was/is going to teach where based on the theories.
So I just shared some of my experiences and resources to support her view point and at the end of it I got into an arguments/discussion with the guy about the flaws in his logic. Any way long story short the girl who was an usher and partner of the presenter basically asked everyone if they wanted water, 2 people said no then she came and gave me a cup (reward, flirting or up cracking voice).
Then after the event she tried to organise a meet up between the two of us, then asked for my Facebook. I got her number and we texted each other last message she said “me and my partner was just saying how great your was! Good discussion” blah blah blah. Then the presenter texted as well saying some other affectionate stuff, she’s a tree hugger apparently so that was expected or was it.
OCD Reflections
All I can think about is how bad of a communicator I was, all the points I could have structured better. Trying to suppress thoughts of sex or romance with em both and where I could meet that girl again or what excuse I can come up with to avoid communications until the next meeting, am sure I will be encouraged to attend. Am also pissed off at how selfish I am, I was busy criting myself I forgot to leave money in the donation box
Anyway am grateful for the help of my sex coach as she pushed my out the door when I thought that hypnosis and subs where going to magically make me a socially experienced Casanova overnight without much effort and learning curves on my part.
Anyway I went to some meditation introduction presentation thingy in East London as all the Tantra stuff either costs 1000s or is are too far inbeweet . I have Tantra events lined up in my calendar tho, even a weekend workshop in Fed I think.
So I get to the event tonight and I noticed my old thoughts patterns in play, the female presenter asked me a question and I didn’t understand or hear right and I answered with something else and after I was corrected the self-criticism started, I then attempted to tell a joke and I done it again. (no one understood what the fu*t I was talking about)
Inner Critic never Stops
Am not sure if it’s nervousness or the feeling of been rushed but I always delete, generalize and distort everything I say to the point that everything that comes out of my mouth isn’t what I thought off, and I have to pinch myself. Or maybe it’s impossible to communicate 1000s of pictures that flashed in a sec in a few sentences (I need to work on my communication skills big time) .
Anyway from then onwards I started “affirming” negative things about myself for like 35 mins or more, “I hate myself” x 60 something and some other of my personal favourites, what’s weird is that the thought seems totally automatic like listening to your voice on a recorder, I wasn’t mentally engaged with them if that makes sense .
It’s difficult to explain but I now know that my perception of reality before in the past never was what It really was, it was just that negative thing in me twisting my mind and emotions to see the events from its negative point of view.
As time went on I found inspiration from something I want to do in my life that will benefit a great many people and that helped me not accept defeat at that moment – you know like a father with 8 kids can’t afford for life to get him down and quit his job for depression. lol as funny as it sounds, yes I was going to come back and apologise to my sex coach for wasting her time and crawl back in my dark hole for a few months. I can’t believe how I lived like that in the past, like school, college, work and social events etc it’s like self-inflicted torturing.
I think she’s a genius or just really good at her calling
I have been buying time by telling myself I can get confident before I go out into the world, but I guess it doesn’t work like that. At least now I have something to work on that is recent and the more shit that comes out is the more shit I can flush.
Anyway am sure you aware that there is always one guy who knows it all, that’s mostly there to argue but got kicked out of the debate group in school. So this guy was shooting holes in the presentor’s theories and I kind of felt her losing energy but trying hard to maintain her composure as the meditations she was/is going to teach where based on the theories.
So I just shared some of my experiences and resources to support her view point and at the end of it I got into an arguments/discussion with the guy about the flaws in his logic. Any way long story short the girl who was an usher and partner of the presenter basically asked everyone if they wanted water, 2 people said no then she came and gave me a cup (reward, flirting or up cracking voice).
Then after the event she tried to organise a meet up between the two of us, then asked for my Facebook. I got her number and we texted each other last message she said “me and my partner was just saying how great your was! Good discussion” blah blah blah. Then the presenter texted as well saying some other affectionate stuff, she’s a tree hugger apparently so that was expected or was it.
OCD Reflections
All I can think about is how bad of a communicator I was, all the points I could have structured better. Trying to suppress thoughts of sex or romance with em both and where I could meet that girl again or what excuse I can come up with to avoid communications until the next meeting, am sure I will be encouraged to attend. Am also pissed off at how selfish I am, I was busy criting myself I forgot to leave money in the donation box
Anyway am grateful for the help of my sex coach as she pushed my out the door when I thought that hypnosis and subs where going to magically make me a socially experienced Casanova overnight without much effort and learning curves on my part.
If you can't manage the little you have now, who will trust you with more, if you can't control yourself long can you rule over others for? Its easier for a king to rule a kingdom than himself and who does want an empire? Being unconquerable lies with yourself!
